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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2017 OWC  ›  The First Step - OWC
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  Author    The First Step - OWC  (currently 1585 views)
ReneC
Posted: July 26th, 2017, 5:15pm Report to Moderator
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Two pages in, I was ready to sing your praises. Really great writing on display, terrific handling of the subject matter, and on a budget. It didn't hold, though. I felt for Rose, I hated Jeff, but the kids were hollow placeholders. I thought it was going to be about them, or about Rose's consideration of them, or Jeff's lack of consideration for them, but instead it was purely about Rose. The kids are just there because that is supposed to make us sympathize with her more, when I had all the sympathy I needed.

It's a shame it resorted to a fork in the neck. It's a tragic twist, not a triumph at all. I get that she felt physically threatened, I get why she did it, I just wish it hadn't escalated to that point and left her facing the aggravated assault charges Jeff is sure to file against her. Not to mention he seems to be taking the injury pretty well, it's just a scratch.

It does go on too long. We get it. You could shift some of the focus to the kids to make us care about them more, or give us the beats you skimmed over with Jeff demanding sex, what I'm sure he would see as his marital right. I was surprised to see that glossed over, pulling punches there but not elsewhere.

I won't bother echoing what others have said about the theme.

Great job, it could have been one of the best. It just fell short.


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PrussianMosby
Posted: July 27th, 2017, 6:57am Report to Moderator
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Logline is extremely vague and gives the impression about a generic story, nothing special there

Good entry. I liked the main character, who wouldn't, right?

There are some fine dramatic parts in third act, that said,
a lot of the foregone scenario was dragging and a bit boring because we know those story-beats.

Imo It needs to be massively cut when there's no page minimum in the potential rewrite. The story could also need some more energy in the build-up and second act.  Give it a more specific touch there instead of plotting that we already have seen so often in exactly the same way.

Still, well crafted, just make the first two acts more specific now



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Spqr
Posted: July 27th, 2017, 3:27pm Report to Moderator
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This inevitable trip to breakupville is nicely written. And Rose's response to Jeff's violence is well-motivated (and about time!).

Of course, it's pretty grim reading and we all know where it's headed. And the ending ensures that this story isn't over. So feed the insatiable appetite of readers by giving them more: Jeff hops on his immaculately maintained Harley and chases after them. And plows head-on into an 18-wheeler. Sorry, but I need closure on this story!
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SAC
Posted: July 28th, 2017, 6:49am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

Loved this. Really good story. I definitely feel you should take time out to work in this. There's a lot of start and stop re the scenes of Rose and Jeff and their problems. It deserves more build up than just little snippets of life, but the message you're trying to convey is clear enough. Seriously, work on this. One of my favs!

Steve

And yes, there are some logic issues and stuff - how did she get outta the house so fast? I figured Jeff would've had enough time to make that impossible. Those are issues you should clear up, no doubt. What really made this story worthwhile was the payoff, stopped at the red light about to turn green, and that was where you really NAILED the stranger in a strange land theme


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: July 28th, 2017, 1:58pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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This was very well done and most of it rings true for those types of abusive situations.

There were a few issues:

The very first paragraph

>Like a numbed patient

It had threw me off until I got my head into the gear of what you were saying.

The first paragraph I think needs work.

Pg 3 You wrote - in their boosters. Not a seven yr old.

Pg 6 typo on litter.

Besides that, I thought this was memorable though sad. Especially since these kinds of relationships do go on, often for too long, and sometimes the Rose's don't live to reach that green light.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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CameronD
Posted: August 4th, 2017, 2:57pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks to everybody who read and gave feedback! Much appreciated!

When I saw the challenge my mind went right away to making the strange place something beyond the obvious physical location. What if the strange place was something mental, or perhaps  a stage of a person's life? With that in mind, what if then the story wasn't so much about the strange place but how they got there? The journey so to speak.

That's where the idea came from to take Rose and show the transition she makes from living in an abusive relationship to one free from it.

As much as I hate to say it, writing this was therapeutic as Rose and Jeff's relationship was something I lived through with my marriage. Rose and Jeff ended up becoming something of a mix between my ex and myself as I wrote and I remember a reader commenting that they both seemed to be similar or would fluctuate back and forth in personality which I thought was a keen observation and spot on. The hard part was setting the stage for the abuse and her reasons for leaving in a limited number of pages and give it the gravity I wanted. Abuse is a cycle that's easy to get accustomed to and end up normalizing. For me at least, you end up reaching a point where you draw a line in the sand and say this is not ok and I deserve and want better for myself.  It's not an easy choice to make, and some people I know never get there.

I did have somebody else give it a read quick before submitting and they said a lot of what came up here, in that the story was fairly vanilla and needed "something else" to push it over the top. I had no idea at the time what that would be but after hearing it so many times in the comments the story could have used a twist somewhere along outside of what was pretty forumalic. However, as the story ended up being pretty personal I didn't want to change it much and as a result it suffered. Lesson learned, be careful not to let your personal feelings detract you too far from what's best for your story.

When's the next OWC?????


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