White Icing In Blackwater Creek by Anonymous - Short, Drama - A teenage beauty hangs onto childhood memories in an effort to adjust to the truth of devastation caused by wildfires in her hometown. She leaves for a change of scenery and It takes a Native Indian to turn her sadness around, but the truth, in the end, she may never learn. 12 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

The opening's written in a very confusing way.

2: In the Glen/Bianca scene, the important beat is Glen changing his mind and letting her go. It would be nice to see how Bianca convinces him/what makes him change. Give us a better sense of the two of them and their relationship.

5: Well, you've got me missing B.C. I'm also starting to think that the importance of the fires should have been established more at the start -- I'm willing to guess that a good chunk of your (global) audience here will know little to nothing about Fort Mac. We should see exactly what that disaster meant for this character, I think, and that might take more than the one still image.

Closing with the phone call felt unsatisfying. I had a feeling we should know more about Glen at the start, and I really feel that at the end. It's the setup that we're kinda missing here: a clear representation of the pain of the fire, clearer than we get on the first page. I want some concrete detail to go with the static, the picture, and the bear -- or, some concrete detail about what the fire meant to these people in particular, as I said.

The bear's visit is my favourite sequence and you've certainly captured some truths of grieving and some truths of Western Canada. I would just say that the stakes need to be made clearer.

The logline is too unwieldy. Try to make it a sentence, two max to really force you to keep it short, sweet, and to the point.

"Places the tape next to the memory" is an unfilmable. How is the audience to know the picture that follows is a memory? Just say the tape is placed next to the photo and then do your best to convey the photo is a memory through action or dialogue.

Who's weeping? Bianca? Golden haired girl? Are they the same person?

Moments later? Is this a flashback? Then just say flashback.

Uncle Skinny? First of all, a bit creepy a young girl wants to go stay with her uncle over with her father. The dad clearly doesn't not want her to but all it takes is a hug from daughter to tell her to pack her bags??? Huh?

Way too much pointless direction for me. No need to follow the cat around the porch or all these angles you have written in. Save the directing for the director and hope he leaves the story to you the storyteller.

Lots of talking about underwear, toothpaste, moonshine and nuts. I have no idea why.

Who is SONG?

Ok, I'm lost. Way too much talking. Late in and early out and show, don't tell would serve you well.

I don't really know what the story here is, something about a fire, a dad who may or may not be a ghost, a silly girl who wants to go camping, nuts, a bear, a Native American who drinks and a cinnamon roll. Whatever your story, its lots in all the endless dialogue, direction and needles description. All i can say is if it doesn't advance your story, it doesn't need to be in your script. Perfect example is the duffllebag of toothpaste and underwear. You spend a lot of time going over it in detail but then it is never mentioned again. I ask then, why bother? Who cares? What's the point of spending a while minute on underwear and toothpaste for no reason? It's a waste. I can say all the time spent on the cat is as well.

Congrats on entering. But this needs more work.

1st page seems to trying way too hard to be cool, and it comes off very hard to follow because of this.  Just not the way to start a script, IMO.

What's with all the CAPPED words?  Again, trying way too hard here and it's killing the read, although I'm trying to like this, as there are some good things early on here.

Slugs are a real mess - again because it seems like you're trying something you're not up to speed with yet.

I like the dialogue, but dislike the helter skelter writing style.  It makes this so hard to follow.

How is Bianca able to watch a VCR in this remote cabin with no electricity?

Why is Bianca talking to herself like this?  I don't like this at all.

So much dialogue, although mostly good, just too much and too little going on.

Well, not really sure what to say or make of this.  There is talent on display for sure, but your writing needs to be tamed and toned down, to make it easier to get through and follow along.  I want to like this and in ways I do, but there's so little going on here...more theme, more tone than substance.

I actually think this can be rewritten and turned into something very memorable, but for now, it's both lacking and trying way too hard.  It's a solid effort though.

Grade ***

The opening page was extremely confusing - at least for me. It took 3 or 4 reads to get my bearings.

For the most part, I found the dialogue natural and effective. Writing solid dialogue is tough and I think you have talent in that arena.

Overuse of CAPs became a distraction.

Going to give this another read later as I think I'm still a bit confused.

Most good parts in this were sandwiched between layers of sequences that never gel cohesively. The quick shot to Stable Able's comes to mind - Skinny's dialogue that opposed the shot was great - but so easy to miss when surrounded by several ideas the reader's asked to process first.

I was searching for answers to Glen's emotional state at start through Skinny, but got more to latch on to from Tommy's perspective. Bianca seemed to react more to the plot than be immersed in the world.

The liked the end with Skinny over at Stable Able's, not sure what to make of the relationship between the characters and how they all affect each other.

Hey writer,

Parameters. It's in the present, 4 characters or less and a fish out of water, or maybe she's revisiting the water, but yeh it's fine.

The writing and formatting was pretty good. It was all easy to read, dialogue worked well and it just had an easy feel to it. One thing I did laugh at though, the CAPS WITH EXCLAMATION MARKS! Not entirely necessary in that format, but they had me going.

The story. It kinda plods along and not too much really happens. I may give it another read as it was pretty easy to get through, but it just wasn't that exciting. Even the appearance of the bear didn't come across as too great a threat or issue, I just didn't find any real conflict or anything particularly exciting to hook me in.

Anyway, well written but the actual plot didn't do that much for me.

Cam

Sorry but I have no idea what is meant to be going here, truly. Even ignoring the challenge parameters and taking it on its own merits as a standalone short, it still seem all over the place and I can't get into it.

Actual writing and formatting is ok so thats something I guess.

Well, you have your fish out of water, even if she asked to be there. Perhaps the expectation made it easier. The Able character picture pushes your four character limit. He has no dialogue and isn't really "there", but some actor did have to show up for that picture.

As to the story, it seemed like it wanted to go somewhere, but the only thing that happened was a drunk dude died in a river and lost his cinnamon bun. I'm not sure which was more tragic. The bear tried to add some tension, but it was easily resolved and didn't even come back to maul drunk Tommy. Kind of disappointing.

So we end up with what several of these have been: a tableau of situations that are loosely strung together but have no real bigger meaning when played out. Writing was ok, but overall, it was not much to speak of.

I kind of missing the problem here. And that's why I couldn't get into this - I'm missing what ails Bianca. Her problem.

I'd call some scenes random - like her feeding the bears, how does that play in the bigger picture. I know she says it's to make them kind, I guess you want to explain her to us, but I don' t see the importance of the scene.

The script just doesn't go from A to Z for me. But it's atmospheric, I've got to give it that. I could hear her talk and that's important.

For a story that's overly descriptive, I'm lost as to Bianca's issues, her Dad's chip on his shoulder, how she lost her mother, the timeline, and who Tommy truly is/was. Normally, a few capped action words are suitable (and no issue with me) but when it's overused, it draws attention to things that don't seem that important.

Overall it was confusing and hard to read for me. Perhaps with a revisit it will make better sense. Good effort.

If she asks to go visit him, and she's already been there, how is the fish parameter met?

I found the story hard to follow.  Who is song?

Sorry, this just didn't work for me.  Too many questions that never get answered in this confusing script.  The other comments summed up my feelings as well.

Sorry,
Dan

I've been avoiding this one because, for a short, the logline seems terribly long. It's so long, I skipped to the end. It sounds like a cheap romance.

Hopefully, the story holds up and the reports of overwriting are merely because you like to write descriptions.

I quite like the opening two pages, but the overuse of CAPS is getting annoying. The story is also quite boring and perhaps as a consequence difficult to follow.

I like your writing, the subject matter misses the mark for me.

Writer,

I gave this a few pages before I bailed. Now, I may have missed a damn good story here, but it's getting late and I really wanna try and read and many as I can.

Your story is jumpy, with sentences with no periods continuing on to form a new paragraph. I've seen this thing before and it just doesn't read well. Actually, I find it pretty annoying. I don't know why Bianca's father would just let her go off to stay with her uncle, who can't seem to be away from his jug of moonshine. Logic issues. What kind of father does that after he just told his daughter he doesn't want to lose her? This is a drama, so it needs to ring true. That doesn't ring true at all.

Steve

Steven,
     I had to comment on "what kind of parent does that" because there are really dumb people out there.  Just a few days back I read about 2 sisters who stayed at their aunt's house.  She was a known druggie.

So what does she do?  She invites a bunch of people over for a methamphetamine party.  While most pass out, one guy, 30s, sees her 14 year old niece and decides to rape her.  The 14 year old's sister, all of 7 years, tries to wake the people to stop her sister's rape.

But, she can't wake them, so, she runs next door to a neighbor's house and he calls the cops.  He heads next door, but it's too late, she's already been raped and there was blood everywhere.  The sister and neighbor are credited with saving her life.

Everyone, including the aunt, were arrested.  Point is, there are people that stupid.

Dan