Take 2 by Anonymous X - Short, Comedy - A salesman tries to sell a device from out of the past that has no use today. 9 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Errrrrr...

Hey writer!

So then, page count matched, character count matched, set in the present and definitely fish out of water. The criteria is all there, huzzah!

Now then, it's absolutely bloody nuts. Personally speaking, it didn't have enough laughs to be a full blown comedy, the bit at the end was funny regarding getting to know one's self, but apart from that it didn't sink my laughter boat. You're clearly an experienced writer, all the formatting and style was there, but the story didn't grab me and nor did the comedy element.

Good attempt,

Cam

How old is Perry? It's a small pet peeve, but clothes do not make a character yet you spend more time talking about them at the beginning than Perry.

Sooooo we have two strangers meet in a Hollywood alley and immediately begin to sell each other? One slide rules (which is funny because it's so quirky) and the other a job in Hollywood. No introductions, not even a real hello, just straight into sell mode. That is absurd.

In dialogue, it would be point seventy-two instead of .72.

And now the Hollywood sign is all the sudden broken and Perry is an alien? What is your story here again?

Mr. Hollywood is dead? Some woman strolls up on the scene and cares less. The slide ruler is changing colors?

Ok, started skipping at this point. I figured out Perry and the woman are alien sales people who have been sent to Earth to sell old junk. And after that reveal it's just pages of the same punchline over and over.

Sorry, not much story here and what is doesn't make much sense. I like the idea of a slide ruler salesman but would ditch nearly everything else.  

Okay, it's more of a sketch than a story, but the progression is good, the reveals are good, and I'm a sucker for the old-fashioned gags. Made me happy.

Comedy is tough for sure. It's a high bar to get someone to chuckle. Unfortunately, at least for me, this didn't reach that bar.

Lot of "ing" words that would make the description run quicker if they were eliminated. The pace is a slow one - could use a jolt.

All in all, just okay for me.

Definitely a fan of classic Hollywood and Looney Tunes but found the play on names more distracting than funny. Could have ended it with 'that's all folk's and and dorky pig.

Aside from a few -ings the formatting was good. I also give the thumbs up on selling the slide rules. Maybe the aliens could have eluded to their time travel being 70 years late?

Good attempt. One down and many more to go!

Starting off with two 4 line very passively written passages, basically describing what 2 dudes are wearing ain't the way to start things off.

No clue what's supposed to be going on here, or if this is even supposed to be serious, but what I do know is that this is about as dull and nonsensical as I've come across in awhile.

Writing is poor. Dialogue is completely unbelievable.  Setup and action, again, completely unrealistic.  I'm so bored, I'm not even going to skim to the end.

NO GRADE

Yeah I skimmed this too. The opening was good and I looked forward to some really funny stuff and a decent storyline.

Sorry to say that i didn't laugh at all reading this - and that means the comedy is zero for me I'm afraid as I have a huge sense of humour. The only plus side was the writing and formatting were very good!

I may be on an island, I thought the concept is great but the comedy for some reason or another doesn't hold up. What makes this solid is its pacing. I did laugh at the absurd dialogue and it got me thinking if these salespersons where robots or aliens as the script wrapped, so that was effective. The funniest part for me is when they pick up Adam and positioned him to be seen more easy for the body collectors. Not too shabby, could be better.

That was a little weird. I got your fishes out of water. That was obvious from the get-go. The name thing was amusing, and the hawking out of date products due to a lack of research was also fairly amusing.

It was one of those that ran on a bit long though. They kept talking and kept talking. It descended into talking exposition heads after awhile with one weird bit of info coming out after another. Yeah, they were positioning the body, but it boiled down to no action at all while your point was made.

This one would be better suited for a drama student's stage short project since it all took place in one spot and had no real visuals to speak of. Everything that hinted at a visual was done in dialogue.

Overall, not much to speak of.

I really liked this.
It was imaginative and different.
And very funny. I had a good laugh throughout.
Didn't read into the math, but I got what these things were doing. My favorite line is where he says that Adam won't get to heaven with three black stripes on it.
The girl, Felin (I think) - you didn't introduce her properly. I'm missing her age.
I'd finish it early, on p8 right when they decide that the "body collectors" could take care of Adam - funny stuff.
Really clever too.
The rest of it spoiled the read I must say, as it's just you showing off the smart little things that don't have anything to do with the story. I mean - yes, I know it's moreof a sketch than a complete story, but still it's over with Adam, or when they stop talking about Adam.
Anyway, this is another one of my recommends. Great job.
There are quite a few "ing" words at the beginning and some passive writing. I'd get rid of that and in the future watch out for it when entering a script into an OWC. (Now I'd have to say the same thing to myself - made mistakes in the opening)

P1 "walks to over"

This stumbles around for too long and is driven by explanatory dialogue instead of actions. In general it wasn't my humor although the last page about how those foreigners see human genitals was definitely pretty funny. Maybe that's the part to show off and focus on. I don't know. Solid effort, just far too tedious and unnecessary complex in case of its storyline's construction and theme, driven by talk that explains all background. This should feel more direct, easier and smoother in my subjective opinion.

I found the dialogue boring and that's the entire script. So, not for me.

I thought it was odd.  And not in a good way.

I think you need to have more information that would allow us to instantly understand he's not human, from the get-go.  I think it might work if we already know that, much the same way that the old SNL skits worked.

I agree with what everyone else said.  It did feel more like a skit rather than a story.  If you're gonna do a skit, have a larger payoff.

Dan

The heavy exposition is off-putting, and it's quirky with a high concept that could be executed better, but I give you props for fully committing to it. The tone, characters, dialogue, and the comedy are consistent throughout. It reminds me a bit of The Tick, just not done as well.

Mainly, the problem is there's no story. It's a Seinfeld episode but I don't know these characters.

The writing's good. Next time, give us a story.