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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2017 OWC  ›  Homecoming (was The Atom and Eve) - OWC
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  Author    Homecoming (was The Atom and Eve) - OWC  (currently 1810 views)
JEStaats
Posted: July 25th, 2017, 11:40am Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Aside from being overwritten, I really enjoyed this one. It's a stretch but I do think it meets the requirements of the OWC. Definitely some on-the-nose writing but could be overcome with some clever Q&A between Eve and Sofia.

Very solid work - Nicely done!
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DustinBowcot
Posted: July 25th, 2017, 1:59pm Report to Moderator
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Not overwritten at all. Overwriting is writing the unnecessary. I don't see anything unnecessary in the script. Without the writer describing the rust, I wouldn't have seen it. My problem with this script isn't the writing, which is quite amazing, but how boring the story is.

I know it will resonate with many others though. Just not my thing, or perhaps it's my current mood. Maybe I need to read it on a Sunday afternoon.
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ReneC
Posted: July 25th, 2017, 3:05pm Report to Moderator
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Excellent! I don't find it overwritten, it reads well and is highly visual. It is a tad slow, which could be addressed with a polish. The dialogue is very good, though heavy with exposition. It could probably be tightened up. The POVs annoyed me a bit, but it's nothing I'd hold against the script.

I think it fits the theme very well. Sure, it's her home, but this is not anything like her home. It's a wasteland, long dead and abandoned. It is a strange land no matter how familiar it might have once been.

The story is terrific, especially the ending. My only complaint about it is that it's pretty unbelievable anyone would still be alive there. I bought into it anyway, and the ending makes it worth it. I'd like to see a little more about Sofia to really make that ending have an impact, something that makes me happy for her taking the opportunity to finally leave.

Great job, one of my faves!


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Cameron
Posted: July 25th, 2017, 3:18pm Report to Moderator
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Not my script this one, but just seen a couple of comments re people living around Pripyat or lack there of. Listened to a doco on the BBC World Service last month where they were interviewing people living in the area. They were illegal, but most of them were actually oldies who'd moved back and were living a self sufficient lifestyle.

Believe it or not, they do exist!!
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: July 25th, 2017, 4:44pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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I can't think of anything negative to say about this script.

Well, if I try really hard I think that maybe you could do something a bit different with Sofia when she shows up rifle in hand, but that's what makes movies tick, so watcha gonna do.

A very well written script.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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DanC
Posted: July 26th, 2017, 12:53am Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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One of the best, for sure.

Not sure if it meets the fish parameter since she was from there and she was an adult when it all happened...

I really am not sure it passes that test...

Other than that, solid story.  Yes, a bit overwritten, but, IMO, it never got boring.

I hope you fix it up and sell it one day.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Spqr
Posted: July 26th, 2017, 1:29pm Report to Moderator
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Nice story and wonderful descriptions. Eve coming home to die is good hook into the story, but I think Sofia's story is the more interesting one. Sofia should have been able to manage to escape before now, considering how easy her  escape was at the end of this story.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: July 28th, 2017, 4:43am Report to Moderator
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The story mainly succeeds with atmosphere. This whole constant visualizing of new is great.

Some descriptions, while necessary, for some reasons didn't flow well along and I realized more than once a: wait, that was one page only…

Whatever… Later it gets to the dialogue heavy parts. It's always hard to connect with people talking about other people who are not in the picture. It's a "natural" dramaturgic problem I'm sure you may know yourself. Very hard to pull off a story in that structure.
How you've done it was definitely impressing since, as said, I find it super difficult to build a plot around some past and people who are not active in the picture.

Amazing atmosphere in this ghost town. Good characters. So, what's not to like here? I'll leave the answer open :-)


@ re genre: thought about if this isn't more of an adventure story from its core. We go more with the experience of what's next, new territory, than being static with characters and their problems. The drama seems more like the standard side game, which was great and strong btw



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ajr
Posted: July 29th, 2017, 11:19am Report to Moderator
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Loved it. I think this is a fantastic tale of love and loss. I have no doubt that this will be filmed someday.

Minor, and I do mean minor, nitpicks. The title - Khamanna is correct, the names should end in 'a' and Eve's first name should be Eva. That would make the title 'The Atom and Eva', which I don't mind so much. Except that I would also drop 'The'. ATOM AND EVA has more flow.

And some others have mentioned the dialogue. What they're speaking ABOUT is perfect, it's just that the syntax is too American. They would also probably fall into Russian after meeting but that's a director's choice about subtitles.

Also, which I didn't see anyone mention, this passes the Bechdel test, which means that any director would kill to get her / his hands on it.

Ironically I didn't think it fit the challenge, because the land is not strange to Eve - it's actually quite familiar. The land has changed, but does that make it strange? Who cares really, this challenge inspired you to create something beautiful and worthwhile.

With some attention to the dialogue, and in the hands of the right filmmaker, I can see this making noise at festivals. Great job.


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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