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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  Riot Time Knock Off - OWC
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  Author    Riot Time Knock Off - OWC  (currently 1368 views)
Don
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 8:17am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Riot Time Knock Off by Pepe Roni - Short, Drama - On a hot Summer day, a lovelorn man has only one solution. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Zack
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 9:07am Report to Moderator
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Hmm, not sure how I feel about this one.

On one hand, it's fairly well written. Had no problem following along. And I enjoyed the bit of misdirection at the end.

However, this just seemed tonally off. Maybe this could have used a few more pages of build up?

I am happy this didn't end the way I suspected it would, but it needs more.

Good effort.

Zack
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eldave1
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 10:33am Report to Moderator
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Expertly written. Solid format, - writing crisp and clean. No complaints at all there.

SPOILERS

IMO, the contradictory impact of the heat was a bit confusing. It has an effect on your protag - but no one else really.  Examples, the neighbors mowing the lawn - meaning it's growing and it ain't too hot for someone to be out there mowing. Kids play in the park.

I thought this:


Quoted Text

A GUN. Cold, black steel.


Was an unfair misdirect. It's steel here - but a water gun at the end.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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eldave1  -  August 6th, 2018, 10:09am
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DA_S1lva
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 11:18am Report to Moderator
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Is a well-written story but it left me with the felling for more. What happened to Katrina? What is the event that made him point a gun at himself? But other than that. Is a good story but I just want a longer version.
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JEStaats
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 11:42am Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Nice surprise - unexpected and welcomed. If it had gone the way I was thinking, I probably would have just rolled my eyes, so thanks for the twist.

No complaints from me. I wonder about the flashback to the argument and how that would be filmed without dialog. What would the audio be for that scene?

Good job.
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ReneC
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 11:44am Report to Moderator
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This is only half a story. Unless the story is about the heat, which it isn't, the ending is missing. There is no satisfaction, no payoff in it. The crisis persists.

The misdirect strongly suggests he is playing out that same scene from Lethal Weapon deliberately, beat for beat, like his own private joke, and it robs all sympathy for his distress about the breakup.

Either make it more about the insufferable heat and cut out the breakup (which would work just fine here) or give us an ending that addresses the breakup. What message are you trying to deliver here?

Well written, but I did feel he had a gag on for the store closing scene. The opportunity to talk was too strong there. Still, great job working through this without dialogue, and I didn't feel it needed dialogue, just a little less reaction from him when clearly he wanted to yell out and rail against someone.


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MGray
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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Generally a good read. A few things that threw me off just a little:
1] At first, we don't know that he's sweating from the heat, specifically. He's crying. He might have just had a fist fight or something, and that's why he's sweating. Just add the line about the sun beating down a little earlier, maybe.
2] Do playing children "cackle"?
3] Why does the concession stand woman sneer at him? This misdirects. It makes it seem like it's part of the story.
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ajr
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 5:34pm Report to Moderator
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So the heat drives people to do desperate things. Crime rates rise during the hot months. So I figured we'd have a few scripts about thinking about ending it all...

So I had to read it twice to realize that he shot himself in the face with water. Because you say "A GUN. Cold, black steel." I guess you needed the word steel is to misdirect the reader.

Not sure what you were going for here, other than the twist ending.



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Anon
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 8:56pm Report to Moderator
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I think the no dialogue thing is not working here. The brief wasn't a mime short. This is a fine little story but there are too many instances where people would have obviously spoken.

Still it's basically a set up and pay off and that's what you want from a short so good job on that.
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realxwriter
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 5:17am Report to Moderator
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Nothing to complain about as far as the writing itself is concerned. If I'm to nitpick I'd say the fight scene was generic. The ending was surprising but no entertaining because there was no clever setup. Yes, he was sweating but that wasn't enough. It left me unfullfilled.
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Pale Yellow
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 11:55am Report to Moderator
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Jets of cool water splash his sweaty, tear-stained face. I am a bit confused. Is this a water gun then? Or did he kill himself? At one point he was filling the pool… then in the living room… It would be better if this was a water gun for the fake suicide to happen outside IMO.

Nicely written overall. I did care for Andy.

I’m not sure how much the summer heat had to do with this except it was th cause of Andy’s sweaty shirt maybe?

Good work.
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LC
Posted: August 6th, 2018, 7:49am Report to Moderator
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Oh, that's just not right.

SPOILER ALERT


It's a water gun?!

Children's laughter would be better... Witches cackle.

A tear falls on her nose. ??
Just on the photo would do.

Two pages of a heartbroken man on a hot day

Andy musta' done a bad, bad, thing for Katrina to slap him like she does.

I'm just not invested in this man's pain.

I mean no offence.... I suspect you concocting the twist at the end was your main drawcard. It just doesn't work for me, and would probably elicit a groan from me on screen.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 6th, 2018, 7:56am Report to Moderator
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So it was a water pistol after all? Correct?

Not sure the story did much for me. An upset man struggling with his emotions following a Split up.

Does he take his life etc

But no, it’s a water pistol

The park at the beginning didn’t seem to have much connection, and the neighbour again didn’t have anything else.

I think if the tone, genre, was changed, almost splastick, the water pistol could work, but here it felt a little out of tone with this emotional distress.

Funny I could picture a dark comedy about faking to kill oneself - could be an angle to work on.


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Dreamscale
Posted: August 6th, 2018, 9:59am Report to Moderator
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Only a few left to read, so let's see if I can add a little more detail to my already detailed reviews.  

I haven't commented much on the Summer heat theme, but I'm going to here.  I live in AZ and we've had highs around 110 the last week...which is HOT.  We have a park nearby that we can walk through the desert to get to, and when we have grandkids over, we take a hike through the desert and hit the park to play."  We can't and won't do that even when the temp is above 95, as it's way too hot for kids to be out, playing on metal playsets.  So, what am I saying?  It appears you've already missed the mark here, as you have all these peeps out in a park, and if it's truly hot, they wouldn't be out there.

Your Flashback is not correctly formatted.  You don't want to include it in your Slug.

"HOUSE-ROOM" - uh....OK, now I know exactly where we are.  Thanks!  NOT!!!

This scene, the way you've written it, obviously would require dialogue, and here, it comes off almost comedic, with the arm waving and pointing, but no talking.  Doesn't work.

Wait, where is this supposed to take place?  A concession stand in a neighborhood park?  He can see cold drinks in "the" cooler"  What cooler?  Is the cooler open, revealing the cold drinks?  And this concession stand has a security shutter and an employee?  Why would they close at 3:00?  And, how do we know what time it is?  More waving arms and pointing, which again don't work.  You need dialogue here again.

Seems like this is a comedy?  I'll have to check and see what the genre is listed as.

Why is he all sweaty at night inside his cute little ranch house?  Doesn't he have A/C?  Hmmm, the windows are open for some reason.  Why in the world would he have his windows open if it's so hot?

So the gun is a steel water pistol?  Riiiight.  I don't buy it at all.  Seems like the entire intent here is to make it out to seem like Andy is so depressed he's going to kill himself, and then, the gun turns into a squirt gun.

This is actually the 2nd script where a guy puts a gun in his mouth, but the other script has a much different result.

Sorry, this doesn't do anything for me.  It's short, and I thank you for that, but it's not heartfelt, nor is it remotely realistic.

  
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Cameron
Posted: August 6th, 2018, 10:18am Report to Moderator
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Wroootiiirr (the Dutch spelling of writer...maybe),

Another great example of a lot happening on a couple of pages, with absolutely no wastage or over writing. It was a nice twist to a well written little story.

Not much to say other than well done, tis a goodie,

Cam
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 5:20am Report to Moderator
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Short and sweet, expertly written. I felt like there should be more but that just means it was good and is probably the perfect length.

Well done, this is another good one. I'm going to struggle to pick a clear winner this time!


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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DaveTroop
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 1:59pm Report to Moderator
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Nice work, writer.

Your script is well written, concise, easy to read, although...

I agree with some of the other members about the ending being too contrived.
The tone of the story leading up to the scene is too tragic for the joke to work imo.

Also, maybe remove the word steel from the gun description.  We'll still assume it's a real gun because of the build up.

The flashback doesn't work for me because of the no dialogue parameters.  Unless we are watching this from outside the house through a window, it comes off as bad mime.

The writing and formatting are very good.

You had me up to the very end.  But instead of a clever twist, the ending was more of a let down.

Thanks for entering and good luck.
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irish eyes
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 9:14pm Report to Moderator
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Cute story with a nice twist.

Obviously a writer who knows what they are doing.
It's short but effective.

Good job on entering a great script


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ChrisBodily
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 9:43pm Report to Moderator
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I clicked on this because I like pepperoni pizza. This better be leaps and bounds better than the last two scripts I read.

Longline doesn't grab me, but the title is intriguing. Two pages. What do I have to lose?

I love everything about that first scene.

Is "SLAPS" supposed to be a sound effect?


Quoted Text
EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD PARK - DAY (BACK TO PRESENT)


This could also be accomplished with:


Quoted Text
BACK TO SCENE



Quoted Text
a HEFTY WOMAN wearing crazy eye shadow


Mimi from The Drew Carey Show?



I'd put "WE CLOSE AT 3" in quotes so that the reader doesn't mistake it for a minislug or shot.


Quoted Text
He gets out, heads up the walk and half-heartedly waves to a NEIGHBOR mowing his lawn.


They see me mowin' my front lawn
I know they're all thinking I'm so white and nerdy




Quoted Text
Andy [sits] splay-legged on the couch in his boxers


*SPOILER*


Quoted Text
Jets of cool water splash his sweaty, tear-stained face.


What do you mean "jets of cool water"? Is it a water gun? Not a real gun? WTF, did you just punk us, dude? Damn, you got me good. And it ties into the hot weather. It's suspenseful. No dialogue, not even silent movie style.

You nailed it, dude.


FADE IN:

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ChrisBodily  -  August 7th, 2018, 9:54pm
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PrussianMosby
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 12:55pm Report to Moderator
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Hello there,

A strong title you got, then a rather weak logline that lacks information.

Nice opening "shot".

"shouts"  -- wait, that should be marked as an MOS here or be presented differently, regarding the parameters… I'll see how others perceive it.

I like the "punchline". The reader, at least I, originally thought that you've written yourself into a corner and go out of the script with a cliché seen 100 times before. You didn't. It worked for me. I like it.

SPOILER
One point: Perhaps, after the water gun reveal, you could have a last emotional message that gives some meaning to the surprising nice ending in hindsight. f.i, maybe he picks up another photo, of his son or mom this time… and with that you tell us why suicide is wrong or an easy out or… well however you see it yourself of course. I think your surprising ending gives you some space for a justified commentary, and I wouldn't let that opportunity go there since depression etc is such a huge topic of today's society. Only do it your way, as smart as the action payoff was…

Otherwise, very good.



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SteveUK
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 2:10pm Report to Moderator
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This one didn’t do much for me unfortunately. It’s well written, but just didn’t feel like much of a story.

I liked the misdirection at the end, but it felt like a bit of a cheat when the gun was described as ‘Cold, black steel’.

Also, why did Andy seem to be the only person affected by the extreme heat?
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Kyle
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 2:31pm Report to Moderator
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The no dialogue stipulation seemed to be sidestepped throughout. Adding the word 'unintelligible', just doesn't cut it for me. I found it hard to picture all the shouting, waving and pointing that followed without any words. And again later when Andy 'waves his arms in protest', but doesn't say a thing. Seemed unbelievable.

Was hoping all this conflict would build into a satisfying climax but the twist ending didn't work for me either. I can't see how stating one thing and revealing another would work on screen. As far as I know, they don't make realistic looking steel water guns for pretty obvious reasons.

Writing seemed solid enough but the script wasn't for me.
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Lightfoot
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 7:03pm Report to Moderator
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Seems like you plopped us right into the midst of this story. Why was Andy at the park and why was he emotional? We come across his after he's already been crying.

I liked the ending, nice little twist. We need to know more about Andy beforehand for all this to really payoff.

Good work.


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SAC
Posted: August 10th, 2018, 9:57pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Decent script. Economical too. I definitely agree with the description of the gun. By saying cold, black steel it's almost like you're tricking your audience, which is not good. Otherwise, it could have used more than just two pages. there's more of a story here, I feel. No A/C? eh. maybe it was broke, who knows? Decent effort regardless.

Steve


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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: August 13th, 2018, 2:34am Report to Moderator
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No need to beat around the bush.  My two cents? Honestly--this was just okay for me.  Not bad. The ending,  went over about as well as a peanut butter and petroleum jelly sandwich.  Being only two pages, maybe adding a page or two, it would have helped to add more context.   JMHO.

Ghostie



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ghost and_ghostie gal  -  August 13th, 2018, 3:30am
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