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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  Pergo's Beast - OWC
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  Author    Pergo's Beast - OWC  (currently 1220 views)
SteveUK
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 3:00pm Report to Moderator
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This was pretty well written, with plenty of imagination, but also a strange tale that left me more than a little confused.

There was a lot of mystery with no real payoff, and when it finished I had no idea what had just happened.

Visually this would work really well if filmed – I could imagine it being a music video directed by someone like Spike Jonze or Michel Gondry.

Maybe some dialogue between Pergo and Siana would help clear some of it up, because as it is, there’s no real clue as to why Pergo’s doing this, what the ritual is for, and why they react the way they do to her taking the costume head off.
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ChrisBodily
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 4:33am Report to Moderator
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Jeff hates this script, which can only mean one thing: This is a masterpiece. Let's see if I'm right.


Quoted Text
A FEW MINUTES LATER [no hyphen]



Quoted Text
She looks [at] the costume


This reminds me of Where the Wild Things Are.


Quoted Text
The only sound the SHUFFLING OF FEET, the Creatures begin a slow, perfectly coordinated ritual dance. Hands stretch out to the fountain.  Up to the moon. [paragraph break]  Giant heads swivel right, left, back to centre. The moonlight glints in black eyes as the hypnotic choreography unfolds.


Too many ideas at once. Break it up into separate paragraphs. Generally:

One idea, one shot, one paragraph.


Quoted Text
Bodies pivot to the right at the hip, then a three-point turn, and [then] [they face] left.


Try to avoid passive voice whenever possible.

An orphan at the end of the page.


Quoted Text
With Pergo still clinging to Siana’s arm, they walk out of the square and into the night.


And then what happens? It's your job to "FADE OUT", "THE END".

Overall, pretty solid. I could definitely see Guillermo del Toro directing this. Ignore Jeff; this is a wonderful script. Just a few tweaks ought to do. Good job.


FADE IN:
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 9:05am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from ChrisBodily
Jeff hates this script, which can only mean one thing: This is a masterpiece. Let's see if I'm right.


Chris, I honestly can't remember the last time you were right, in terms of your advice and feedback.


Quoted from ChrisBodily
Ignore Jeff; this is a wonderful script. Just a few tweaks ought to do. Good job.


Chris has spoken.  Ignore all the peeps who said they had literally no clue what was going on here or why.

Great advice, once again, Chris.  You're a fucking genius!

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Kyle
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 2:40pm Report to Moderator
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Intriguing logline. Writing seems solid. Could picture everything clearly.

The problem is, I don't know what any of it means. I might be missing something pretty obvious here but I read it twice and still no clue. I was half expecting Pergo to wake up from some sort of fever dream at the end due to the heat, but as far as I can tell this all played out in real life.

If your aim was to write a surreal story with some nice imagery, you achieved it in spades.

I enjoyed the path you lead me down even though I'm not quite sure where I ended up.
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CindyLKeller
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 7:15pm Report to Moderator
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I'm another one who didn't know what was going on or why they all met by the fountain.
Are they real monsters or people in costume?
Why are they there?
Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
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irish eyes
Posted: August 9th, 2018, 5:34pm Report to Moderator
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The logline seems as detailed as the script.

Sorry didn't work for me and another without using summer heat/ winter cold as a parameter

Good job on entering


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SAC
Posted: August 10th, 2018, 9:38pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

This seemed written well. Wasn't much of an issue following this. If only I could figure it all out that might be a good thing. My rating on this won't be super because I just had no idea what you were trying to tell me with this. Perhaps it's something grand that I'm not privy to, or maybe something simple. I thought the ending was sweet. Anyway, not for me.


Steve


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MGray
Posted: August 16th, 2018, 12:28pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Everyone,

Many thanks for your comments in the OWC on "Pergo's Beast." I got the message that the story was a bit cryptic.

I've revised it, just enough, I hope, to make the story arc clearer. I would love to hear from some of you if it now catches your attention a little more. I'm trying to keep it mysterious, but not so much that it's off-putting.

Essentially, I've tried to highlight that Pergo is lonely, she has joined the night-time ritual for whatever reason, and it gets her out with other people, but it's not the cure for loneliness, because it's strictly anonymous. But when the heat becomes unbearable and she takes her costume head off, she breaks the anonymity code and is instantly rejected, but it leads her to connect with another young woman who comes to her rescue, so perhaps Pergo is better off than before. It remains to be seen. But at least she's got a shot at connection now.

The revision is posted under "unproduced" with the others. I would love to hear your thoughts on the revision.

Many thanks in advance!

And I am very happy to answer questions about my feedback on your OWC submissions if any of you have them.

Cheers,
Mitchell
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