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That opening is brutal, absolutely horrible. But just as I was concerned it was going to turn into a gore fest, the type I loathe, it turned. What a great little script.
Really nice twist, well written, well paced and I felt every twinge and horrible little moment. Just shows you don't need to blow the page count out to get a good story in.
A decent story but the writing seemed a bit disjointed and broken. Some sequences didn't really make sense.
Our character was not too bright either. Not sure why she would try to break the windshield instead of the side windows that would shatter. Every time someone gets dowsed with alcohol in a car, I already know what's going to happen. Dialog would've really helped this lady out. Perhaps if she had passed out or fainted, you could explain why she wasn't talking to her rescuer.
OK...so...you are obviously either trying a new writing style or this is how you think screenplays should be written. For me, the writing does not work at all. Trying too hard to be cool, but missing the mark completely. Let's see where we go from here...
Again, you're just trying too hard here. The asides and the way you're writing your action take me completely out of the read.
You have multiple 5 line passages and that is rarely if ever a good thing.
No...not for me. Not at all. It's short, thankfully, and you can write, but I really wish you'd step back and write in a way that peeps will enjoy, not be annoyed by.
That's about all the negative I have for this as the story was good. Very dark and very gripping. You certainly made the hot/cold theme a big part of this story.
writing needs a tidy, like most, but forget that. story is everything.
wonderful choice of timing, location, aspirations etc very clear, very dense with tension. we know where we are, we know what it is happening, never lost
like every script this can be tidied, but i EXPECT this to be filmed
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Cool little story. Might want to trim a little of the commentary-type writing. You're good at it, but I think if you can take it out, you should in a screenplay. Would love someday to sit with all these commenters in a workshop and talk these scripts through. This one especially, as the opinions vary considerably. Nice work.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Great writing here, though a few too many unfilmables just to make it a good read. But it is a good read, so well done.
The first page's cut-off sentences aren't quite a page from James Cameron's writing style, but it works well enough. You could have played it straight and it would be just as effective.
The ending only works within the parameters of this challenge. There's no way she wouldn't have spoken in her defense. But, if her throat were hurt in the crash, a nice seat belt welt across it and establish she can't speak at all, then it works just fine.
I could see this getting made. Good job, one of the better ones despite the drawbacks.
Every millimeter of movement is a marathon of pain.
Beautiful!
But she’s not ready to make that climb yet.
Some readers may give you hell for this line but I want to express my admiration for it.
Oh my God! That twist, man. This is a winner. This is going to make an amazing short and it's gonna rip awards like crazy. Very well done. Perfect score.