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I’d say this was short and sweet, but I definitely don’t think that term is befitting of this story haha.
You’re clearly a good writer, but I wasn’t a huge fan of the way you wrote in split sentences. To me, it just seemed a little gimmicky and actually made my read feel a little disjointed.
Overall though I thought this was a really good little story with a nice dark twist at the end.
A little dialogue, especially at the end, would definitely benefit this in a rewrite.
Wow, that was some good writing. That first page really has the vibe of professional description writing. Under the time constraints this is really impressive. And the story is awesome. Great twists and turns at the end in the span of like two seconds.
This needs to get filmed and/or win one of those super short script contests.
Unlike some other reviewers, I did not have a problem with the writing style at all. I thought it worked wonderfully in this case, almost poetic. That said, 90 pages of this would have driven me crazy.
Kudos for having the confidence and the chops to pull this off.
I don't like to do this, but what the heck. Definitely in the top three.
Loved this. Well written. I know some have commented on the style but it really matches the beat and sets the right pace for filming, which is excellent.
Great effort, short, sweet and diabolical!
-Mark
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I'm probably in the minority here but I found that last line very 'writerly' and pretentious. It's not a beautiful day at all. Yes, she was rescued, but there's a dead woman lying a few feet away and an angry man who may be placing the blame for the accident at her feet. I dunno...
The breaking of the glass with glass? Hmm. I would think that way too dangerous.
Breaking Glass. Now there's a good title. Maybe...
Is she a drunk? Was she driving under the influence? Did she cause the accident? So many questions. No one gives a drunk a gift-wrapped bottle of liquor unless they're enabling the habit.
You don't show half-empties and take-away wrappers on the floor - or the detritus otherwise of an addict.
I don't get the image of the cactus. Perhaps if you'd set it on a highway out in the middle of the desert. The two cars, completely deserted road otherwise, steam rising from the bonnet, cries of pain coming from nearby. That'd add to atmosphere too, but as is, there's a car crash and a big ol' cactus blocking her escape.
She opens her mouth to say something but -
If she's wronged in this situation the line should read something like: She opens her mouth to right the wrong, desperate to make him understand, her face anguished... etcetera.
This is an example imho of where the writer's aside is appealing and emotive to most of the readers, (by the looks of the feedback) but I'm thinking about what we'll see on screen. Even with the irony there won't be a speech bubble above her head to say that line, and I doubt her face will show that sentiment, unless she's swigged a lot more of the alcohol than you've shown.
Except for the 'base camp' line there's some nice writing on show, that's for sure.
But...
I've read this three times now. Apart from the last line which I will now set aside, I just don't know if onscreen this story is going to work, unless she's quite obviously three sheets to the wind, and then perhaps him attempting to save her but then changing his mind, might be way more effective, dramatic, have your audience divided, some yelling at him: No. Save her!
Torn in this one. Its vividly described and lovingly written.
But the weather doesn’t have any factor except for the hot car bonnet at the end which is used as a prop to provide the twist. The non dialogue is believable tho. Also when the guy drags her from the car, the pain would be huge and she would pass out.
A few people have mentioned adding dialogue to this and other ones in rewrites but I find that pintless as they were written specifically for the challenge.
We have an innocent woman, who apparently caused this accident, and then a normal dude decides to torture her/kill her because he assumes she was drunk and caused this accident that hurt/killed a woman in his car.
BUT...let's be serious here...cops and EMT will be on the way very shortly, and because of this, the normal dude will be going to the Big House, and the 2 chicks will be dead.
Many have criticized 2 scripts in which the Protags committed suicide, but yet no one seems to understand the real story here, with torture and murder for no reason at all. I don't quite get it.
If you like this writing style, that's great, but here's the rub...this happens all the time in Hollywoodland and the dreaded Blacklist...peeps think something is cool, but lose track of what's really on the page.
Sorry, writer for this, but I have to jump in...I just have to.
Wow. The bone protrudes from her shin? So she can't just get out on the passenger side? Great. You've set up our story, conflict and obstacle.
I don't understand the part about "base camp".
And another obstacle. How is she gonna get out? Will she?
I love the writing style. For this script it works. I can understand if others hate it. It's like when you read a page-turner of a book and can't put it down.
Conventional wisdom is that italics are frowned upon.
Unless this is intentional, "Happy anniversary my love." should be offset with a comma.
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She half-laughs[,] half-cries
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Takes a swig so good it’s a first step on her stairway to heaven.
U2 and Zeppelin in one script?
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THE BOTTLE EXPLODES[,] covering her in bourbon and glass.
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head[ ]wound
Why is "head wound" hyphenated?
The "Bonnet" is the hood of a car in Commonwealth English (excluding the hockey fans up north, eh). It's not a baby bonnet.
Normally, you FADE OUT. And (THE) END normally goes in the middle(ish).
Nice twist. I assume that he assumes she's the drunk driver who killed his wife and crashed their car? Didn't see that coming. I thought he'd rescue her and get her an ambulance or at least first aid.
Very solid writing (only a few niggles), very solid story. One of the best scripts I've read thus far. Congratulations.
BUT...let's be serious here...cops and EMT will be on the way very shortly, and because of this, the normal dude will be going to the Big House, and the 2 chicks will be dead.
Jeff, I think this is off the mark.
So, what we have here is a man realizes (even though mistakenly) that the woman he is about to rescue was a drunk driver who killed the woman he loved. You want logic applied to his actions. But he's not processing logically. He has no concern whether EMTs coming or the consequences of his actions. His reaction was instinctive - rage based..
Like a man who walks in finding his wife in bed with someone. You can't box his actions in based on his assumed knowledge that the police may be coming. It's the very basis of every crime of passion story - irrational behavior.
Additionally, we also have no idea where this was set. For all we know it could have been an isolated desert highway - miles from help.
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Many have criticized 2 scripts in which the Protags committed suicide, but yet no one seems to understand the real story here, with torture and murder for no reason at all. I don't quite get it.
No reason? He believes that this drunk driver just killed the woman he loves. How is that no reason? If you want to say his actions are disproportional - fine. But that's the basis for many great stories.
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If you like this writing style, that's great, but here's the rub...this happens all the time in Hollywoodland and the dreaded Blacklist...peeps think something is cool, but lose track of what's really on the page.
You have a point in that writing style is different for sure. I think the writer gets away with it given the 2.5 pages and the rapid fire action. In fact, I know the writer got away with it based on all the positive comments on the script.
I would not recommend it for most scripts. especially anything longer - but for me on this one it worked just fine and it was interesting to see a different approach.
This one will definitely be in the top three and it's won't be because peeps lost track of what was actually on the page. I've read it three times. It will be in the top three because it was a real solid script.
Been hearing a lot about this one! Well, it's pretty good. I love your set-up, but your ending is a bit of a let down. The man who rescues the woman should be tied to the dead woman in the other car. Maybe he is, but I don't think you are clear about that and you need to be. If that dead woman is this man's wife, then I think his reaction after sniffing the alcohol is going to need a far more destructive turn other than dropping the woman he rescued and walking away. This needs more, and deserves it. You got a pretty good story here. Make it better. And oh yeah, Beautiful Day. Ha! Anything but.
So, what we have here is a man realizes (even though mistakenly) that the woman he is about to rescue was a drunk driver who killed the woman he loved. You want logic applied to his actions. But he's not processing logically. He has no concern whether EMTs coming or the consequences of his actions. His reaction was instinctive - rage based..
Like a man who walks in finding his wife in bed with someone. You can't box his actions in based on his assumed knowledge that the police may be coming. It's the very basis of every crime of passion story - irrational behavior.
Additionally, we also have no idea where this was set. For all we know it could have been an isolated desert highway - miles from help.
No reason? He believes that this drunk driver just killed the woman he loves. How is that no reason? If you want to say his actions are disproportional - fine. But that's the basis for many great stories.
All very true, and I'm not dismissing this or arguing it.
What I am arguing and trying to bring up is that there are several scripts here in this OWC in which peeps are dismissing actions by characters as being unrealistic...or, the classic comment, "I don't buy it".
You don't buy it? You can't say what a character or real life person would or wouldn't do. No one can. Especially when these "actions" take place all the time in real life.
Peeps are not rational. Peeps do not act rationally all the time...as you pointed out correctly in your quotes. Shit happens. Peeps make horrible decisions at certain times, for certain reasons, and, just because you wouldn't react that way, doesn't mean someone else would not.
And, in a 6 page maximum script, with no fucking dialogue, how does anyone think they can know how a certain character would or would not react, given whatever the circumstance is? They know absolutely nothing about the character's background, situation in life, or what kind fo person they really are.
I mean, seriously...how could you or anyone else think they know how someone would react or wouldn't react? Fucking crazy!!!
You have a point in that writing style is different for sure. I think the writer gets away with it given the 2.5 pages and the rapid fire action. In fact, I know the writer got away with it based on all the positive comments on the script.
We will see, and you may be correct, but that doesn't mean anything.
Check this out...no one seems to understand that a "normal, everyday dude, decided to torture an innocent lady, probably kill her, and will probably go to jail for the rest of his life, yet no one seems to care? Huh? This is a either a horrible, evil person, or someone who made a terrible decision, based on the situation at hand. Correct?
This one will definitely be in the top three and it's won't be because peeps lost track of what was actually on the page. I've read it three times. It will be in the top three because it was a real solid script.
It is a good script. I know that. But it's also an irritating script, based on how it was written, and also, it's a damn depressing script, and if anyone really thinks about it, it's downright evil in what the dude does to the innocent chick.
You understand what I'm saying? If not, that's cool, but Id be shocked if you really didn't get me.
You understand what I'm saying? If not, that's cool, but Id be shocked if you really didn't get me.
This is what I get. Different folks have different reactions to character actions based on their subjective standards and filters.
In the suicide script - the actions taken resonated with you. Many others thought they were highly disproportional and not consistent with the characters other actions.
In this script, you found the ultimate actions disproportional and irrational. Many others thought just the opposite.
There is no answer needed for the above. People will few actions through their own personal filters/value systems. etc. This is where I really took exception to your assessment:
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peeps think something is cool, but lose track of what's really on the page.
My point being - peeps did not "lose track" of what was on the page. In fact, it was because they knew exactly what was happening that the twist played so well with them. That'e really my only point here. i.e., it's fair game for you to view a story through your own filters. It's not fair game to assume that peeps with different opinions arrived at them because they are not seeing clearly. They just have different filters.
This is what I get. Different folks have different reactions to character actions based on their subjective standards and filters.
In the suicide script - the actions taken resonated with you. Many others thought they were highly disproportional and not consistent with the characters other actions.
In this script, you found the ultimate actions disproportional and irrational. Many others thought just the opposite.
There is no answer needed for the above. People will few actions through their own personal filters/value systems. etc. This is where I really took exception to your assessment:
There were 2 suicide scripts. The general reaction to both was that peeps didn't believe the characters would commit suicide, based on the situation/story/etc.
My point is simply that no one can say or know how a person or character would react to a situation...or even where they are in their life.
Suicides occur every single day, all over the world for all sorts of bizarre reasons.
In the farming script, no one knows what the farmer had been going through and/or why he chose to end his life.
In the Summer "lover" script, no one knows what either character is going through or went through, or why the chick felt her best option was to off herself. And in this script, both characters were high as shit on coke and drunk as well. I think the girl was in her teens, to boot, so who knows what drove her.
We can all feel differently about such things, but it's just very odd to me how peeps don't seem to understand that every situation is unique and agree with it or not, I don't see how or why either script was "downgraded".
My point being - peeps did not "lose track" of what was on the page. In fact, it was because they knew exactly what was happening that the twist played so well with them. That'e really my only point here. i.e., it's fair game for you to view a story through your own filters. It's not fair game to assume that peeps with different opinions arrived at them because they are not seeing clearly. They just have different filters.
Well, we may be splitting hairs here, but the point I was trying to make was that for some reason, peeps didn't seem to understand...or maybe care, that the guy who threw the innocent woman on the hood of the car to suffer and probably die, was a horrible person, as it's torture and potentially murder - how can peeps not be upset by that? It's downright terrible, and to me, makes no sense.
Anyways, thanks for playing along, Dave. You're a good guy and I mean no offense to you or to the writer of this script.
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A Beautiful Day - OWC
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