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I like the idea behind the montage but it needs to be written better. Little light as is to follow along easily.
Tatty sofa? Dumper truck? English second language, typos, or foreign slang I don't know?
Very abbreviated writing. many people write too much but this is the opposite. It's too jumpy with the limited descriptions to really make sense for what is going on clearly. The large sand castle lost me totally. Did they drift to sea? Was it fantasy.
Maybe a new writer. Good job on entering but keep at it if so.
Cheerio, writer As I suspect you are a friend from the UK.
I really like the theme here. A dad who doesn't have much to impress his kids with, finally reaches them by using his own skills, and realizes the importance of spending time together.
I think the theme would have been stronger if you had ended with the huge sand castle, with onlookers snapping pictures and such. Or some reporter putting a picture of the castle and the Dad and kids in the paper. I feel he should have triumphed with the sand castle, not failed.
It's a little rough around the edges, but I'm sure you can clean this up nicely.
RE: "People talking without speaking," I think you're taking the challenge parameters too extremely. You won't let a character so much as move their mouth. By your rigid standards, EVERY SINGLE silent movie ever made would be disqualified in this challenge. Shame.
Who names their son Pete 10 or their daughter Susie 12? How many Petes and Susans do they have? How many do you need? (Ages should go in parentheses or offset by commas. The choice is up to you, the writer.)
Not until this challenge have I ever heard of a backpack being called a rucksack? Is that a regional/UK thing?
A few missing words and odd phrases.
Kiosk - noun - 1. a small open-fronted hut or cubicle from which newspapers, refreshments, tickets, etc., are sold. - 2. a small structure in a public area used for providing information or displaying advertisements, often incorporating an interactive display screen or screens.
The British definition - a telephone booth.
Archaic - (in Turkey and Iran) a light open pavilion or summerhouse.
I couldn't imagine any of these having ice cream. You mean an ice cream truck or stand (like at a carnival)?
I also think it should have ended with the sandcastle, and like others have said, dialogue would have helped this as I got lost while reading and had to read some of it over again. Not too much heat...
Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr