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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  Beach of Intentions - OWC
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  Author    Beach of Intentions - OWC  (currently 510 views)
CameronD
Posted: August 10th, 2018, 12:52pm Report to Moderator
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I like the idea behind the montage but it needs to be written better. Little light as is to follow along easily.


Tatty sofa? Dumper truck? English second language, typos, or foreign slang I don't know?

Very abbreviated writing. many people write too much but this is the opposite. It's too jumpy with the limited descriptions to really make sense for what is going on clearly. The large sand castle lost me totally. Did they drift to sea? Was it fantasy.

Maybe a new writer. Good job on entering but keep at it if so.  



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DaveTroop
Posted: August 11th, 2018, 4:17am Report to Moderator
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Cheerio, writer
As I suspect you are a friend from the UK.  


I really like the theme here.
A dad who doesn't have much to impress his kids with, finally reaches them by using his own skills, and realizes the importance of spending time together.

I think the theme would have been stronger if you had ended with the huge sand castle, with onlookers snapping pictures and such.  Or some reporter putting a picture of the castle and the Dad and kids in the paper.  I feel he should have triumphed with the sand castle, not failed.

It's a little rough around the edges, but I'm sure you can clean this up nicely.


Well done.

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ChrisBodily
Posted: August 11th, 2018, 5:20pm Report to Moderator
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RE: "People talking without speaking," I think you're taking the challenge parameters too extremely. You won't let a character so much as move their mouth. By your rigid standards, EVERY SINGLE silent movie ever made would be disqualified in this challenge. Shame.

Nice title.

"ex[-]wife."

Who names their son Pete 10 or their daughter Susie 12? How many Petes and Susans do they have? How many do you need? (Ages should go in parentheses or offset by commas. The choice is up to you, the writer.)

Not until this challenge have I ever heard of a backpack being called a rucksack? Is that a regional/UK thing?

A few missing words and odd phrases.

Kiosk - noun - 1. a small open-fronted hut or cubicle from which newspapers, refreshments, tickets, etc., are sold. - 2. a small structure in a public area used for providing information or displaying advertisements, often incorporating an interactive display screen or screens.

The British definition - a telephone booth.

Archaic - (in Turkey and Iran) a light open pavilion or summerhouse.

I couldn't imagine any of these having ice cream. You mean an ice cream truck or stand (like at a carnival)?

Is it "ice creams" or "ice cream" plural?

WTF are "ice lollies"?

END OF MONTAGE

END OF MY INVESTMENT IN THIS SCRIPT

Out on page 1. Sorry. I don't get it.


FADE IN:
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CindyLKeller
Posted: August 11th, 2018, 8:12pm Report to Moderator
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I also think it should have ended with the sandcastle, and like others have said, dialogue would have helped this as I got lost while reading and had to read some of it over again.
Not too much heat...


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pale yellow
Posted: August 11th, 2018, 10:37pm Report to Moderator
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Cute title...

breaks should be brakes (I think)

Some odd descriptions you are using here... caused me to go back and read twice on some of them.

I like how you start out with the guy obviously running late for something... really moves the story forward and sets up a mystery card from the get-go.

I do find myself at least caring and rooting for the father to impress his kids. So kudos on that.

I think you should have ended with the success castle instead of going into the woods...

Could be really cute with a rewrite ...

Good job.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 14th, 2018, 3:53pm Report to Moderator
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where's my simply scripts thong?

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This script is simply a reflection of  the joy of writing. Wish it were better but it is such a reminder...for me.

With a couple of hours left I decided to have stab at another, warm hearted efforted. Left field stuff...then brave enough to enter,

Gosh, itís flawed, and error driven - but it has been a long time since I felt the joy of having a go, writing wise..

And in the end, it has achieved something for me.

Thanks all


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 14th, 2018, 4:55pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Quoted from Reef Dreamer
This script is simply a reflection of  the joy of writing. Wish it were better but it is such a reminder...for me.

With a couple of hours left I decided to have stab at another, warm hearted efforted. Left field stuff...then brave enough to enter,

Gosh, itís flawed, and error driven - but it has been a long time since I felt the joy of having a go, writing wise..

And in the end, it has achieved something for me.

Thanks all


That's what counts, Bill.  To thine own self be true, and enjoy what you put forth.

Kind of funny, and maybe completely different, but I often say to my girlfriend after I crack myself up, "Well, I'm glad I can entertain myself, at least."





To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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