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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  Wish You Were Here - OWC
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  Author    Wish You Were Here - OWC  (currently 1423 views)
Don
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 9:11am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Wish You Were Here by 0 - Short, Drama, Romance - Dallas and Marci are just trying to beat the Florida heat on a romantic weekend, but sometimes life gets in the way. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Don  -  August 4th, 2018, 12:11pm
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 1:12pm Report to Moderator
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Greetings,

I think you need to label the scenes that are flashbacks with (FLASHBACK) as I got lost as to what was a flashback and what wasn’t.

I didn’t buy the story. (SPOILERS - Highlight with your mouse to read) This couple are really happy and having fun and then she just randomly kills herself because she’s pregnant and can’t have an abortion? The note tells me this but it also comes out of left field. You need to show it for an audience to believe it. Sadly, I didn’t.

However, nicely written and easy to follow. I could visualise everything clearly. Something like this is very tricky to do without dialogue so kudos for going for it.  
  
-Mark


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Don  -  August 4th, 2018, 2:24pm
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 3:10pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't take notes as I read, but in this case, that's a good thing, as the writing is very clean and this was a quick read.

Not much not to like here, and I don't say that very often.  The logline gives us very little, but I can understand why, based on the reveal near the end.

I was also planning on using a song to cover up the no dialogue parameter, and here it really works well - I wish I had followed my initial gut.

This is 1 of 3 (I think) in which the no dialogue parameter wasn't an issue.  Scenes were short and for the most part, I don't think any dialogue was really necessary.

For some reason, this hit me rather hard and I actually had to go outside and have a smoke when i finished.

This is solid stuff here and easily my fave so far.  Good work!
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MGray
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 6:39pm Report to Moderator
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Some sharp writing here.
But here's why it doesn't quite resonate with me...
She's okay with coke-fueled resort sex with her much older boyfriend, but a positive pregnancy test means instant suicide?
It doesn't seem to fit the character.
How would the father find out if she had an abortion? Why not keep the child if she's so in love?
And hasn't she heard of false positives?
Hope to read more from this writer.
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eldave1
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 7:00pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm.

Writer, you obviously have chops. The writing is crisp, clear - efficient. IMO, the letter at the end does you a huge disservice.

SPOILERS

We are supposed to believe that the girl has no problem violating Dad's standards ala doing coke, drinking, skinny dipping, premarital sex - but the line is drawn at pregnancy and abortion.  In fact, her Dad would kill them both - but he wouldn't kill Dallas for letting his girl die in a bathtub??   And the warning about not doing something stupid like she did - if she thought it stupid then why...????

Bottom line is that the irony here is that this non-dialogue script goes off the rails the moment you put spoken/read words in it.  

Much of this is really good.  The ending note makes no sense to me.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

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CameronD
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 1:23pm Report to Moderator
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This isn't bad. Actually pretty good.

The 2nd slug during the midnight skinny dip was jarring. If time passes just say so.

Also, the ending is good for being a shocker, but I find it hard to believe anybody would just kill themselves from a pregnancy test. But cocaine makes people do strange things.  

Just started reading these but this will be hard to beat I think.


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Anon
Posted: August 6th, 2018, 3:41am Report to Moderator
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For me this needs to work much harder on the concept. This woman is incredibly happy even though she must at least suspect she’s pregnant which is a disaster for her. And -

A. Her father wouldn’t have to know if she had an abortion
B. They could have got married quickly and the father would just have to deal with it - that’s What my parents did!

The suicide made so little sense I was too busy scratching my head to feel any emotion. Nice set up and writing but the reason for suicide has to be much more compelling. I mean shit - something like 30% of first pregnancies end early with miscarriage. The INSTANT suicide, after being so happy, doesn’t work. And I know it did for others so if this is just for fun what the hell. But iff you ever wanted to get it made, firm up the suicide motive and cut the very famous song that’ll cost BIG money to use.
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Cameron
Posted: August 6th, 2018, 11:09am Report to Moderator
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Well, hello writer,

So there's some good writing on show here, you've got that bit down. The flashback got s bit confusing but you've got styyyyyyyle.

The storyline didn't really work, however. Her dad's gonna kill her for being preggo, but somehow they're doing more blow than an average city trader??? Nah, not buying it. It really is a shame as the relationship is well built up, just it seemed rushed at the ending.

Good writing, half good story, nearly there.

Cam
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Zack
Posted: August 6th, 2018, 1:38pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm. Well, the writing here is excellent. Very easy to visualize and follow.

The lack of dialog didn't hurt this at all. So good job there.

Where this falls apart for me is the story. I just don't buy the end. The reasoning just doesn't work for me AT ALL. Maybe if you made it a point to show that Marci didn't snort any of the cocaine or drink any of the rum, MAYBE then I would bought the end a little more.

Also don't think the summer heat played any role here.

Not bad, though. Good effort here.

Zack

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Zack  -  August 7th, 2018, 2:25pm
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 2:24pm Report to Moderator
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well that's a laugh...

it doesn't work for me as written, but i think it could

for me to feel the girls anguish, i need more

for me to believe he would jump, i need more

running naked into the seas is not character depth for me...way too shallow a sea...

however, what would you do when it all goes wrong...nows thats a question

forget the hot weather stuff, this was clearly a summer orientated script

best of luck




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Grandma Bear
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 9:55am Report to Moderator
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I think I know who wrote this and if I'm correct, I am shocked this person used a "non standard" title on the cover page, lol!

The writing flowed nicely, but a lot of detail sometimes and we know that filmmakers do not pay much attention to those details unless it effects the story itself.

Everything was just peachy until the end. I would rather have seen Marci die of a heart attach or something due to too much of the coke and rum than committing suicide after a positive pregnancy test. Me personally, I am tired of pregnancies in movies. They have almost become so cliche' I roll my eyes whenever I see them. It's almost like, if you run out of ideas, you can always add a pregnancy. "That always gets the audience"...

Anyway, great script with a crummy ending.


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Kyle
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 3:35pm Report to Moderator
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A nice quick read. Well written with some nice imagery throughout.

Abided by the parameters of the challenge.

Took a turn I wasn't really expecting but the ending felt a little forced to me.

I'm not sure anyone would enjoy watching this on screen as is. For me, bleak and depressing only works when the story is believable and you care about the characters in it. For me, neither of those boxes were ticked.  

Good effort for a week though. Best of luck.
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stevie
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 4:36pm Report to Moderator
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Well written and the song use was imaginative.

But the ending happens too fast. She kills herself cos she’s pregnant? We need to se more of Marci’s side of things to see why she does it

There’s no weather factor involved either. This could set in any ‘warm’ place.

It read well though so that is something



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realxwriter
Posted: August 9th, 2018, 12:40pm Report to Moderator
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The build-up was intriguing even though you stretched the flashback a bit too far. It was also filled with generic beats of couples in love. But the reason why she committed suicide was a bit of a letdown. It would have made sense in a conservative country but in the US? Doesn't make sense. Why someone who can afford that much cocaine and not have access to abortion?

I thought she would overdose and he will change his mind at the last second and instead of jumping off we will cut to an AA meeting or something.

That was a good attempt. Thanks for participating.
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SAC
Posted: August 9th, 2018, 10:17pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Think I can guess the writer, but that's besides the point!

Damn well written. Short and sweet. Heat did not seem to play a role in this other than the fact we know it's hot, or obviously summer at the beach. Anyway, wish there was some kind of cool reveal or some trickery that would have elevated this script. As is, just a double suicide. And them snorting lines doesn't necessarily endear these characters to me or make them sympathetic in any way shape or form. Good effort, but not for me.


Steve


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