This was well written, but unfortunately the story didn’t connect with me.

I just didn’t buy that Marci would kill herself because she was pregnant. She’s happy to snort line after line of coke, but she'd rather die than have an abortion or let her dad find out she’s pregnant?

As I mentioned, the writing was sharp with some nice visuals, although a few of the ‘happy couple’ scenes felt a little cliché. Unfortunately the whole thing gets derailed by the ending.

Hey there writer

This is one of the last eight scripts I have to read, and I thought I found a winner.

I had a problem with the logic as well.  
There are so many ways to get around the pregnancy issue.  
And that's just something Dads say.  They won't really kill their daughters if they get preggers.

Solid, solid writing and imagery.  I didn't even mind the use of a Pink Floyd song.


Nice effort.  Good luck.

One of my favorite Pink Floyd songs. Gilmour is the man!

How much cocaine? I've noticed some writers are terrible with measurements.

Bose? Is that the best he could get his hands on? Hell, no! Bose is garbage; I know from experience. Dallas has just ruined a great song. Shame. Klipsch would have been a trillion times better. Or even Edifier (which I have yet to hear in person). As an audiophile, I'm taking one point off your score.

Also, "Wish You Were Here" should be capitalized. Don't make the same mistake as "The Lion Sleeps Tonight."

Wouldn't it normally be a plus or a minus? What kind of test strip is this?

*SPOILERS*

Marci's death reminds me of a movie that de Niro and Dakota Fanning did called Hide and Seek.

Dear Marci: It's your constitutional right. Don't let the RepubliCONS tell you otherwise.

Despite the audiophile niggle, this was a pretty solid script. A top contender. Congratulations.

I like your logline. Good job.

cocaine sit with a
rolled up $100 bill, a half empty bottle of Myers rum, a
BOSE speaker, and an orange starfish.--- nice collection of stuff... the starfish makes me wonder.... good job.

Could be just me but I feel like the Flashback goes on for too long.

ceiling fan that slowly spins--very visual and can see this adding to the tension during the gun-in-mouth moment

OH wow.. what a romantic story with a Romeo and Juliet vibe.

I love this story. Great job Writer.

I think your ending would elicit groans from an audience.

Before that it's like a vacation ad for some tropical hideaway. There's a sequence of shots with a loved-up couple against a backdrop of sun, sea, cocaine, rum, and a cool song. There's even a little padding with them waving at another loved-up couple on the beach.

And then you throw in a very tragic ending.

It's just not credible imh. Has no 'heat' element other than it is Summer, and frankly I don't get the love and plaudits for this one.

Sorry to sound harsh, but a big 'huh'?  from me.

Ahh,

I have no dog in this fight, but it doesn't mean I can't place my bets.

Well, since you outed yourself, Jeff.   I took a look.  As I was reaading this... another tragic love story came to mind -- Romeo and Juliet.  The truth, I'm not one for mushy love stories, but it was a good.  I think you could shorten the flashback.  As far as the ending, I didn't have a problem with it... after quick research on suicides... I brought it, hook, line, sinker, and the boat.

Ghostie

Ah, Jeff, very nice. Loved the images here, all except for the suicide did seem to come out of nowhere.
We didn't even know she had a father let alone a strict one that ruined that perfect love.
I think the father should have bothered the two beforehand somehow.
Enjoyed your writing though.
Cindy

So, here's the wrap up for those that have any interest.

I had a "staycation" the weekend the challenge was released, so didn't even see the parameters until Sunday...and I wasn't thrilled, either.

But, I had told Pia a while back that I would definitely enter if she hosted an upcoming OWC.  So, I definitely wanted to partake, but nothing came to me and by Wednesday, I figured I would be out.

But, I had a dream Thursday night (as I kind of tried to, by thinking about the challenge intensely when I went to bed that night), and woke up with an idea.

My earlier thought process seemed to suggest only a few ways to have a no dialogue script with multiple characters, that didn't come across as BS, or a silent movie, and the best one was a script taking place underwater.

I started doing some research for a locale that would have Summer heat, and focused on a couple on vacation doing some SCUBA diving, in which the girl gets trapped underwater, and as she struggles to free herself, she thinks back on happier times, and at the end, her lover finds her, dead.  I struggled to figure out a structure that would work and then it hit me that this wasn't going to work the way I had hoped, and the script you see here pretty much just wrote itself, as the perspective shifted to Dallas' POV and memories, culminating in him taking his own life, too, after finding her  dead in the bathtub.

Couple things I want to throw out...

Most said they didn't buy Marci killing herself because she was pregnant, which really surprised me, as this exact thing happens all the time in real life.

Suicide is rarely really "planned out".  It's a rash decision based on (many times) not wanting to deal with a situation that will be difficult to face.

Marci is 18, Dallas, 29.  Marci is just a kid and she made a very poor choice here, obviously, and drugs and alcohol were heavily involved.  This was not thought out at all.  She took a home pregnancy test, saw the results, and killed herself, not wanting to deal with the consequences an unwanted/unplanned pregnancy would bring about.

The note, at the very end of the script, was a last minute inclusion, and I see many did not appreciate it.  You may or may not have noticed that the script states, "On a desk, a handwritten note sits unread." - the key here being that Dallas never saw or read the note.  Looking back, I wish I had changed this just a bit - something to the extent of a gust of wind blew the note off the desk, onto the floor, which would possibly show that Dallas never saw it.

Also, I wanted to get the character's names in here, somehow, and a written note was the only way I could achieve it.

Finally, the part of the note in which Marci says her Dad would kill them both, was in no way intended to mean that her Dad would "literally" kill them.  It's simply an 18 year old girl who's high on coke and drunk on rum, being an idiot and making a terrible decision.  Hope that makes sense.

That's the deal.  Sorry so many didn't seem to like this.  I actually really did like it and was quite sure it would be a hit, but quickly saw that wasn't going to be the case.

Thanks to all who read and commented.  I appreciate all feedback, positive and negative alike.

look forward to the next OWC.

Jeff, I would take peeps advice to heart here. Basically:

- Very well written.
- Ending does not resonate.

When I first read it I thought it would even had better had I not known the reason she killed herself. The note blows off the patio railing or something - at least then we could fill in the blanks the way we want.  The abortion thing just doesn't work - it's a WTF?? moment.  

Your premise:

Quoted Text Most said they didn't buy Marci killing herself because she was pregnant, which really surprised me, as this exact thing happens all the time in real life.

Is wrong, IMO. You set up Marci as a care-free,  sex loving, cocaine snorting, 19 year old away on a vacation with a lover 10 years her senior and then - you want us to believe she cares about what her rigid father thinks.  She obviously doesn't care.

You are misunderstanding peeps disconnect with the suicide - it's not that they couldn't believe that someone would commit suicide over an unwanted pregnancy.  Give me a 18 year old Amish girl and I might buy it.  They can't buy that this girl would and especially not for the reason stated - my father would kill us. or if that just meant my father would be disappointed, etc - same result."

Otherwise then the WTF reason for the suicide - this one would have been in the top 3 or 4 for sure. i.e., change the ending.

Quoted from eldave1 You set up Marci as a care-free,  sex loving, cocaine snorting, 19 year old away on a vacation with a lover 10 years her senior and then - you want us to believe she cares about what her rigid father thinks.  She obviously doesn't care. You are misunderstanding peeps disconnect with the suicide - it's not that they couldn't believe that someone would commit suicide over an unwanted pregnancy.  Give me a 18 year old Amish girl and I might buy it.  They can't buy that this girl would and especially not for the reason stated - my father would kill us. or if that just meant my father would be disappointed, etc - same result." Otherwise then the WTF reason for the suicide - this one would have been in the top 3 or 4 for sure. i.e., change the ending.

Exactly.

I hadn't seen Dave's revision/inclusion.

I can't say I agree, but I do understand that everyone sees things very differently.

For me, scripts/movies are all about how they end, and I personally enjoy some sort of reveal or twist.

Let me go further...

In a script or movie, the reader/audience only sees what the writer/Director wants them to.

I always say to peeps (when delving deep into a script), "you know, alot is going on in the world you created that is not being shown or seen.  You as a writer, need to understand that and account for it."

I'm not trying to argue anything here, just trying to give my thoughts.

You say "what I set up", but the reality is I didn't set up anything, other than a Flashback of happy times over the prior day, with zero dialogue, coming from a dude that just found his girl dead in the tub.  And to make it worse, he realizes she was prego with his child.

The readers know absolutely nothing about her as a person, her life outside of this weekend getaway, her situation in life (college about to start, a job in the family business, whatever it may be), or her relationship with her family/father.

Peeps tend to read things into "things", and when a twist or something unexpected occurs, it's often deemed as "left field" or just not right or possible.  I don't think like that, and my mind is always open to whatever comes down.

Just my 2 cents and I appreciate the back and forth and feedback very much.

Quoted from Dreamscale I hadn't seen Dave's revision/inclusion. I can't say I agree, but I do understand that everyone sees things very differently. For me, scripts/movies are all about how they end, and I personally enjoy some sort of reveal or twist. Let me go further... In a script or movie, the reader/audience only sees what the writer/Director wants them to. I always say to peeps (when delving deep into a script), "you know, alot is going on in the world you created that is not being shown or seen.  You as a writer, need to understand that and account for it." I'm not trying to argue anything here, just trying to give my thoughts. You say "what I set up", but the reality is I didn't set up anything, other than a Flashback of happy times over the prior day, with zero dialogue, coming from a dude that just found his girl dead in the tub.  And to make it worse, he realizes she was prego with his child. The readers know absolutely nothing about her as a person, her life outside of this weekend getaway, her situation in life (college about to start, a job in the family business, whatever it may be), or her relationship with her family/father. Peeps tend to read things into "things", and when a twist or something unexpected occurs, it's often deemed as "left field" or just not right or possible.  I don't think like that, and my mind is always open to whatever comes down. Just my 2 cents and I appreciate the back and forth and feedback very much.

Jeff - my last thoughts on this as you seem to be comfortable with the ending. Anyway - last stab:

She drinks. She snorts boatloads of cocaine (presumably drinking and snorting why she suspects she might be pregnant), she skinny dips, she is a teenage screwing an older dude. So, that's what we know. We didn't read into those things. Those were things we read. Those were the things you provided for us to make our assumptions on the type of characters we were dealing with.

Ironically, what readers did not do was read something into the story. They didn't fill in the backstory (i.e., we did not assume that she was a college girl, about to start a job, etc). If  we had, we would actually be guilty of the thing you mistakenly think was the problem - i.e., us making assumptions about the characters backstory.

Peeps have no problems with unexpected twists. In fact they love them. However, for them to be effective they have to have some logical grounding otherwise they move from unexpected twist to WTF.

Finally, and this is not meant to be mean, but your mind is not always open to whatever comes down. See your comments on a Beautiful Day. you applied your standard, not the writers, to what is deemed to be rational - expected - actions. It's a double standard.

Quoted from eldave1 Jeff - my last thoughts on this as you seem to be comfortable with the ending. Anyway - last stab: She drinks. She snorts boatloads of cocaine (presumably drinking and snorting why she suspects she might be pregnant), she skinny dips, she is a teenage screwing an older dude. So, that's what we know. We didn't read into those things. Those were things we read. Those were the things you provided for us to make our assumptions on the type of characters we were dealing with. Ironically, what readers did not do was read something into the story. They didn't fill in the backstory (i.e., we did not assume that she was a college girl, about to start a job, etc). If  we had, we would actually be guilty of the thing you mistakenly think was the problem - i.e., us making assumptions about the characters backstory. Peeps have no problems with unexpected twists. In fact they love them. However, for them to be effective they have to have some logical grounding otherwise they move from unexpected twist to WTF. Finally, and this is not meant to be mean, but your mind is not always open to whatever comes down. See your comments on a Beautiful Day. you applied your standard, not the writers, to what is deemed to be rational - expected - actions. It's a double standard.

As I said, I totally appreciate the back and forth and wish more peeps would engage in the same way on their scripts, but, again, we're all very different.

You say, "she snorts boatloads of cocaine" - Huh?  The two of them snorted "2 thick loads of cocaine"...that's it.

Yeah, she drank some rum...what we saw (and found out later, based on the half full/empty bottle of rum that was left), was that she most likely drank 1/4 bottle of Myer's rum.  She's 18.  She probably can't do this very easily, unless with Dallas.

I don't know about everyone else or anyone else, but when I was a "kid" I drank most every opportunity I could, but that really doesn't make me a bad person.  Same with the blow...or some weed...maybe some shrooms.  These are not "hard" drugs that make peeps bad...IMO, at least.

OK, final thought...probably won't mean anything to anyone, but I'll try...

Take Anthony Bourdain, for instance.  What "most peeps" know of him, he's living the dream...super successful, with a total babe who's 20 years younger, has  a YOUNG CHILD, lives life his way, and he decides to off himself.  Make sense?  NO!!  Definitively not.  How could he leave his young son, his Asia, his career?

It happens...and most of the time, we don't see it coming.

PS, I am not changing anything here, nor do I ever, really, as this isn't going anywhere, and it's just for fun.  I don't care about the filmability anymore.

Quoted from eldave1 Finally, and this is not meant to be mean, but your mind is not always open to whatever comes down. See your comments on a Beautiful Day. you applied your standard, not the writers, to what is deemed to be rational - expected - actions. It's a double standard.

That's not mean at all.

It's tough to teach old dogs new tricks, and Hell Yes, I am set in my ways, but there is a reason for that, as I have always, in all my walks in life, tried, experimented, and figured out the best way for me to do various things.

BUT, when I am proven wrong, I am the first to admit it and try the new , better way.

Peace out and Word to the Mutha!!  

Quoted from Dreamscale That's not mean at all. It's tough to teach old dogs new tricks, and Hell Yes, I am set in my ways, but there is a reason for that, as I have always, in all my walks in life, tried, experimented, and figured out the best way for me to do various things. BUT, when I am proven wrong, I am the first to admit it and try the new , better way. Peace out and Word to the Mutha!!

Peace, brotha.

Now, that this is over, I'm just going to go out in the backyard, have me some rum and a boatload of cocaine. Okay -  it's go to be a smoke and a beer

Peace Out