Wish You Were Here by 0 - Short, Drama, Romance - Dallas and Marci are just trying to beat the Florida heat on a romantic weekend, but sometimes life gets in the way. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Greetings,

I think you need to label the scenes that are flashbacks with (FLASHBACK) as I got lost as to what was a flashback and what wasn’t.

I didn’t buy the story. (SPOILERS - Highlight with your mouse to read) This couple are really happy and having fun and then she just randomly kills herself because she’s pregnant and can’t have an abortion? The note tells me this but it also comes out of left field. You need to show it for an audience to believe it. Sadly, I didn’t.

However, nicely written and easy to follow. I could visualise everything clearly. Something like this is very tricky to do without dialogue so kudos for going for it.  
  
-Mark

I didn't take notes as I read, but in this case, that's a good thing, as the writing is very clean and this was a quick read.

Not much not to like here, and I don't say that very often.  The logline gives us very little, but I can understand why, based on the reveal near the end.

I was also planning on using a song to cover up the no dialogue parameter, and here it really works well - I wish I had followed my initial gut.

This is 1 of 3 (I think) in which the no dialogue parameter wasn't an issue.  Scenes were short and for the most part, I don't think any dialogue was really necessary.

For some reason, this hit me rather hard and I actually had to go outside and have a smoke when i finished.

This is solid stuff here and easily my fave so far.  Good work!

Some sharp writing here.
But here's why it doesn't quite resonate with me...
She's okay with coke-fueled resort sex with her much older boyfriend, but a positive pregnancy test means instant suicide?
It doesn't seem to fit the character.
How would the father find out if she had an abortion? Why not keep the child if she's so in love?
And hasn't she heard of false positives?
Hope to read more from this writer.

Hmm.

Writer, you obviously have chops. The writing is crisp, clear - efficient. IMO, the letter at the end does you a huge disservice.

SPOILERS

We are supposed to believe that the girl has no problem violating Dad's standards ala doing coke, drinking, skinny dipping, premarital sex - but the line is drawn at pregnancy and abortion.  In fact, her Dad would kill them both - but he wouldn't kill Dallas for letting his girl die in a bathtub??   And the warning about not doing something stupid like she did - if she thought it stupid then why...????

Bottom line is that the irony here is that this non-dialogue script goes off the rails the moment you put spoken/read words in it.  

Much of this is really good.  The ending note makes no sense to me.

This isn't bad. Actually pretty good.

The 2nd slug during the midnight skinny dip was jarring. If time passes just say so.

Also, the ending is good for being a shocker, but I find it hard to believe anybody would just kill themselves from a pregnancy test. But cocaine makes people do strange things.  

Just started reading these but this will be hard to beat I think.

For me this needs to work much harder on the concept. This woman is incredibly happy even though she must at least suspect she’s pregnant which is a disaster for her. And -

A. Her father wouldn’t have to know if she had an abortion
B. They could have got married quickly and the father would just have to deal with it - that’s What my parents did!

The suicide made so little sense I was too busy scratching my head to feel any emotion. Nice set up and writing but the reason for suicide has to be much more compelling. I mean shit - something like 30% of first pregnancies end early with miscarriage. The INSTANT suicide, after being so happy, doesn’t work. And I know it did for others so if this is just for fun what the hell. But iff you ever wanted to get it made, firm up the suicide motive and cut the very famous song that’ll cost BIG money to use.

Well, hello writer,

So there's some good writing on show here, you've got that bit down. The flashback got s bit confusing but you've got styyyyyyyle.

The storyline didn't really work, however. Her dad's gonna kill her for being preggo, but somehow they're doing more blow than an average city trader??? Nah, not buying it. It really is a shame as the relationship is well built up, just it seemed rushed at the ending.

Good writing, half good story, nearly there.

Cam

Hmm. Well, the writing here is excellent. Very easy to visualize and follow.

The lack of dialog didn't hurt this at all. So good job there.

Where this falls apart for me is the story. I just don't buy the end. The reasoning just doesn't work for me AT ALL. Maybe if you made it a point to show that Marci didn't snort any of the cocaine or drink any of the rum, MAYBE then I would bought the end a little more.

Also don't think the summer heat played any role here.

Not bad, though. Good effort here.

Zack

well that's a laugh...

it doesn't work for me as written, but i think it could

for me to feel the girls anguish, i need more

for me to believe he would jump, i need more

running naked into the seas is not character depth for me...way too shallow a sea...

however, what would you do when it all goes wrong...nows thats a question

forget the hot weather stuff, this was clearly a summer orientated script

best of luck

I think I know who wrote this and if I'm correct, I am shocked this person used a "non standard" title on the cover page, lol!

The writing flowed nicely, but a lot of detail sometimes and we know that filmmakers do not pay much attention to those details unless it effects the story itself.

Everything was just peachy until the end. I would rather have seen Marci die of a heart attach or something due to too much of the coke and rum than committing suicide after a positive pregnancy test. Me personally, I am tired of pregnancies in movies. They have almost become so cliche' I roll my eyes whenever I see them. It's almost like, if you run out of ideas, you can always add a pregnancy. "That always gets the audience"...

Anyway, great script with a crummy ending.

A nice quick read. Well written with some nice imagery throughout.

Abided by the parameters of the challenge.

Took a turn I wasn't really expecting but the ending felt a little forced to me.

I'm not sure anyone would enjoy watching this on screen as is. For me, bleak and depressing only works when the story is believable and you care about the characters in it. For me, neither of those boxes were ticked.  

Good effort for a week though. Best of luck.

Well written and the song use was imaginative.

But the ending happens too fast. She kills herself cos she’s pregnant? We need to se more of Marci’s side of things to see why she does it

There’s no weather factor involved either. This could set in any ‘warm’ place.

It read well though so that is something

The build-up was intriguing even though you stretched the flashback a bit too far. It was also filled with generic beats of couples in love. But the reason why she committed suicide was a bit of a letdown. It would have made sense in a conservative country but in the US? Doesn't make sense. Why someone who can afford that much cocaine and not have access to abortion?

I thought she would overdose and he will change his mind at the last second and instead of jumping off we will cut to an AA meeting or something.

That was a good attempt. Thanks for participating.

Writer,

Think I can guess the writer, but that's besides the point!

Damn well written. Short and sweet. Heat did not seem to play a role in this other than the fact we know it's hot, or obviously summer at the beach. Anyway, wish there was some kind of cool reveal or some trickery that would have elevated this script. As is, just a double suicide. And them snorting lines doesn't necessarily endear these characters to me or make them sympathetic in any way shape or form. Good effort, but not for me.


Steve

This was well written, but unfortunately the story didn’t connect with me.

I just didn’t buy that Marci would kill herself because she was pregnant. She’s happy to snort line after line of coke, but she'd rather die than have an abortion or let her dad find out she’s pregnant?

As I mentioned, the writing was sharp with some nice visuals, although a few of the ‘happy couple’ scenes felt a little cliché. Unfortunately the whole thing gets derailed by the ending.

Hey there writer

This is one of the last eight scripts I have to read, and I thought I found a winner.

I had a problem with the logic as well.  
There are so many ways to get around the pregnancy issue.  
And that's just something Dads say.  They won't really kill their daughters if they get preggers.

Solid, solid writing and imagery.  I didn't even mind the use of a Pink Floyd song.


Nice effort.  Good luck.

One of my favorite Pink Floyd songs. Gilmour is the man!

How much cocaine? I've noticed some writers are terrible with measurements.

Bose? Is that the best he could get his hands on? Hell, no! Bose is garbage; I know from experience. Dallas has just ruined a great song. Shame. Klipsch would have been a trillion times better. Or even Edifier (which I have yet to hear in person). As an audiophile, I'm taking one point off your score.

Also, "Wish You Were Here" should be capitalized. Don't make the same mistake as "The Lion Sleeps Tonight."

Wouldn't it normally be a plus or a minus? What kind of test strip is this?

*SPOILERS*

Marci's death reminds me of a movie that de Niro and Dakota Fanning did called Hide and Seek.

Dear Marci: It's your constitutional right. Don't let the RepubliCONS tell you otherwise.

Despite the audiophile niggle, this was a pretty solid script. A top contender. Congratulations.

I like your logline. Good job.

cocaine sit with a
rolled up $100 bill, a half empty bottle of Myers rum, a
BOSE speaker, and an orange starfish.--- nice collection of stuff... the starfish makes me wonder.... good job.

Could be just me but I feel like the Flashback goes on for too long.

ceiling fan that slowly spins--very visual and can see this adding to the tension during the gun-in-mouth moment

OH wow.. what a romantic story with a Romeo and Juliet vibe.

I love this story. Great job Writer.

I think your ending would elicit groans from an audience.

Before that it's like a vacation ad for some tropical hideaway. There's a sequence of shots with a loved-up couple against a backdrop of sun, sea, cocaine, rum, and a cool song. There's even a little padding with them waving at another loved-up couple on the beach.

And then you throw in a very tragic ending.

It's just not credible imh. Has no 'heat' element other than it is Summer, and frankly I don't get the love and plaudits for this one.

Sorry to sound harsh, but a big 'huh'?  from me.

Ahh,

I have no dog in this fight, but it doesn't mean I can't place my bets.

Well, since you outed yourself, Jeff.   I took a look.  As I was reaading this... another tragic love story came to mind -- Romeo and Juliet.  The truth, I'm not one for mushy love stories, but it was a good.  I think you could shorten the flashback.  As far as the ending, I didn't have a problem with it... after quick research on suicides... I brought it, hook, line, sinker, and the boat.

Ghostie

Ah, Jeff, very nice. Loved the images here, all except for the suicide did seem to come out of nowhere.
We didn't even know she had a father let alone a strict one that ruined that perfect love.
I think the father should have bothered the two beforehand somehow.
Enjoyed your writing though.
Cindy

So, here's the wrap up for those that have any interest.

I had a "staycation" the weekend the challenge was released, so didn't even see the parameters until Sunday...and I wasn't thrilled, either.

But, I had told Pia a while back that I would definitely enter if she hosted an upcoming OWC.  So, I definitely wanted to partake, but nothing came to me and by Wednesday, I figured I would be out.

But, I had a dream Thursday night (as I kind of tried to, by thinking about the challenge intensely when I went to bed that night), and woke up with an idea.

My earlier thought process seemed to suggest only a few ways to have a no dialogue script with multiple characters, that didn't come across as BS, or a silent movie, and the best one was a script taking place underwater.

I started doing some research for a locale that would have Summer heat, and focused on a couple on vacation doing some SCUBA diving, in which the girl gets trapped underwater, and as she struggles to free herself, she thinks back on happier times, and at the end, her lover finds her, dead.  I struggled to figure out a structure that would work and then it hit me that this wasn't going to work the way I had hoped, and the script you see here pretty much just wrote itself, as the perspective shifted to Dallas' POV and memories, culminating in him taking his own life, too, after finding her  dead in the bathtub.

Couple things I want to throw out...

Most said they didn't buy Marci killing herself because she was pregnant, which really surprised me, as this exact thing happens all the time in real life.

Suicide is rarely really "planned out".  It's a rash decision based on (many times) not wanting to deal with a situation that will be difficult to face.

Marci is 18, Dallas, 29.  Marci is just a kid and she made a very poor choice here, obviously, and drugs and alcohol were heavily involved.  This was not thought out at all.  She took a home pregnancy test, saw the results, and killed herself, not wanting to deal with the consequences an unwanted/unplanned pregnancy would bring about.

The note, at the very end of the script, was a last minute inclusion, and I see many did not appreciate it.  You may or may not have noticed that the script states, "On a desk, a handwritten note sits unread." - the key here being that Dallas never saw or read the note.  Looking back, I wish I had changed this just a bit - something to the extent of a gust of wind blew the note off the desk, onto the floor, which would possibly show that Dallas never saw it.

Also, I wanted to get the character's names in here, somehow, and a written note was the only way I could achieve it.

Finally, the part of the note in which Marci says her Dad would kill them both, was in no way intended to mean that her Dad would "literally" kill them.  It's simply an 18 year old girl who's high on coke and drunk on rum, being an idiot and making a terrible decision.  Hope that makes sense.

That's the deal.  Sorry so many didn't seem to like this.  I actually really did like it and was quite sure it would be a hit, but quickly saw that wasn't going to be the case.

Thanks to all who read and commented.  I appreciate all feedback, positive and negative alike.

look forward to the next OWC.

Jeff, I would take peeps advice to heart here. Basically:

- Very well written.
- Ending does not resonate.

When I first read it I thought it would even had better had I not known the reason she killed herself. The note blows off the patio railing or something - at least then we could fill in the blanks the way we want.  The abortion thing just doesn't work - it's a WTF?? moment.  

Your premise:

Quoted Text Most said they didn't buy Marci killing herself because she was pregnant, which really surprised me, as this exact thing happens all the time in real life.

Is wrong, IMO. You set up Marci as a care-free,  sex loving, cocaine snorting, 19 year old away on a vacation with a lover 10 years her senior and then - you want us to believe she cares about what her rigid father thinks.  She obviously doesn't care.

You are misunderstanding peeps disconnect with the suicide - it's not that they couldn't believe that someone would commit suicide over an unwanted pregnancy.  Give me a 18 year old Amish girl and I might buy it.  They can't buy that this girl would and especially not for the reason stated - my father would kill us. or if that just meant my father would be disappointed, etc - same result."

Otherwise then the WTF reason for the suicide - this one would have been in the top 3 or 4 for sure. i.e., change the ending.

Quoted from eldave1 You set up Marci as a care-free,  sex loving, cocaine snorting, 19 year old away on a vacation with a lover 10 years her senior and then - you want us to believe she cares about what her rigid father thinks.  She obviously doesn't care. You are misunderstanding peeps disconnect with the suicide - it's not that they couldn't believe that someone would commit suicide over an unwanted pregnancy.  Give me a 18 year old Amish girl and I might buy it.  They can't buy that this girl would and especially not for the reason stated - my father would kill us. or if that just meant my father would be disappointed, etc - same result." Otherwise then the WTF reason for the suicide - this one would have been in the top 3 or 4 for sure. i.e., change the ending.

Exactly.

I hadn't seen Dave's revision/inclusion.

I can't say I agree, but I do understand that everyone sees things very differently.

For me, scripts/movies are all about how they end, and I personally enjoy some sort of reveal or twist.

Let me go further...

In a script or movie, the reader/audience only sees what the writer/Director wants them to.

I always say to peeps (when delving deep into a script), "you know, alot is going on in the world you created that is not being shown or seen.  You as a writer, need to understand that and account for it."

I'm not trying to argue anything here, just trying to give my thoughts.

You say "what I set up", but the reality is I didn't set up anything, other than a Flashback of happy times over the prior day, with zero dialogue, coming from a dude that just found his girl dead in the tub.  And to make it worse, he realizes she was prego with his child.

The readers know absolutely nothing about her as a person, her life outside of this weekend getaway, her situation in life (college about to start, a job in the family business, whatever it may be), or her relationship with her family/father.

Peeps tend to read things into "things", and when a twist or something unexpected occurs, it's often deemed as "left field" or just not right or possible.  I don't think like that, and my mind is always open to whatever comes down.

Just my 2 cents and I appreciate the back and forth and feedback very much.

Quoted from Dreamscale I hadn't seen Dave's revision/inclusion. I can't say I agree, but I do understand that everyone sees things very differently. For me, scripts/movies are all about how they end, and I personally enjoy some sort of reveal or twist. Let me go further... In a script or movie, the reader/audience only sees what the writer/Director wants them to. I always say to peeps (when delving deep into a script), "you know, alot is going on in the world you created that is not being shown or seen.  You as a writer, need to understand that and account for it." I'm not trying to argue anything here, just trying to give my thoughts. You say "what I set up", but the reality is I didn't set up anything, other than a Flashback of happy times over the prior day, with zero dialogue, coming from a dude that just found his girl dead in the tub.  And to make it worse, he realizes she was prego with his child. The readers know absolutely nothing about her as a person, her life outside of this weekend getaway, her situation in life (college about to start, a job in the family business, whatever it may be), or her relationship with her family/father. Peeps tend to read things into "things", and when a twist or something unexpected occurs, it's often deemed as "left field" or just not right or possible.  I don't think like that, and my mind is always open to whatever comes down. Just my 2 cents and I appreciate the back and forth and feedback very much.

Jeff - my last thoughts on this as you seem to be comfortable with the ending. Anyway - last stab:

She drinks. She snorts boatloads of cocaine (presumably drinking and snorting why she suspects she might be pregnant), she skinny dips, she is a teenage screwing an older dude. So, that's what we know. We didn't read into those things. Those were things we read. Those were the things you provided for us to make our assumptions on the type of characters we were dealing with.

Ironically, what readers did not do was read something into the story. They didn't fill in the backstory (i.e., we did not assume that she was a college girl, about to start a job, etc). If  we had, we would actually be guilty of the thing you mistakenly think was the problem - i.e., us making assumptions about the characters backstory.

Peeps have no problems with unexpected twists. In fact they love them. However, for them to be effective they have to have some logical grounding otherwise they move from unexpected twist to WTF.

Finally, and this is not meant to be mean, but your mind is not always open to whatever comes down. See your comments on a Beautiful Day. you applied your standard, not the writers, to what is deemed to be rational - expected - actions. It's a double standard.

Quoted from eldave1 Jeff - my last thoughts on this as you seem to be comfortable with the ending. Anyway - last stab: She drinks. She snorts boatloads of cocaine (presumably drinking and snorting why she suspects she might be pregnant), she skinny dips, she is a teenage screwing an older dude. So, that's what we know. We didn't read into those things. Those were things we read. Those were the things you provided for us to make our assumptions on the type of characters we were dealing with. Ironically, what readers did not do was read something into the story. They didn't fill in the backstory (i.e., we did not assume that she was a college girl, about to start a job, etc). If  we had, we would actually be guilty of the thing you mistakenly think was the problem - i.e., us making assumptions about the characters backstory. Peeps have no problems with unexpected twists. In fact they love them. However, for them to be effective they have to have some logical grounding otherwise they move from unexpected twist to WTF. Finally, and this is not meant to be mean, but your mind is not always open to whatever comes down. See your comments on a Beautiful Day. you applied your standard, not the writers, to what is deemed to be rational - expected - actions. It's a double standard.

As I said, I totally appreciate the back and forth and wish more peeps would engage in the same way on their scripts, but, again, we're all very different.

You say, "she snorts boatloads of cocaine" - Huh?  The two of them snorted "2 thick loads of cocaine"...that's it.

Yeah, she drank some rum...what we saw (and found out later, based on the half full/empty bottle of rum that was left), was that she most likely drank 1/4 bottle of Myer's rum.  She's 18.  She probably can't do this very easily, unless with Dallas.

I don't know about everyone else or anyone else, but when I was a "kid" I drank most every opportunity I could, but that really doesn't make me a bad person.  Same with the blow...or some weed...maybe some shrooms.  These are not "hard" drugs that make peeps bad...IMO, at least.

OK, final thought...probably won't mean anything to anyone, but I'll try...

Take Anthony Bourdain, for instance.  What "most peeps" know of him, he's living the dream...super successful, with a total babe who's 20 years younger, has  a YOUNG CHILD, lives life his way, and he decides to off himself.  Make sense?  NO!!  Definitively not.  How could he leave his young son, his Asia, his career?

It happens...and most of the time, we don't see it coming.

PS, I am not changing anything here, nor do I ever, really, as this isn't going anywhere, and it's just for fun.  I don't care about the filmability anymore.

Quoted from eldave1 Finally, and this is not meant to be mean, but your mind is not always open to whatever comes down. See your comments on a Beautiful Day. you applied your standard, not the writers, to what is deemed to be rational - expected - actions. It's a double standard.

That's not mean at all.

It's tough to teach old dogs new tricks, and Hell Yes, I am set in my ways, but there is a reason for that, as I have always, in all my walks in life, tried, experimented, and figured out the best way for me to do various things.

BUT, when I am proven wrong, I am the first to admit it and try the new , better way.

Peace out and Word to the Mutha!!  

Quoted from Dreamscale That's not mean at all. It's tough to teach old dogs new tricks, and Hell Yes, I am set in my ways, but there is a reason for that, as I have always, in all my walks in life, tried, experimented, and figured out the best way for me to do various things. BUT, when I am proven wrong, I am the first to admit it and try the new , better way. Peace out and Word to the Mutha!!

Peace, brotha.

Now, that this is over, I'm just going to go out in the backyard, have me some rum and a boatload of cocaine. Okay -  it's go to be a smoke and a beer

Peace Out

Quoted from Grandma Bear One thing I know about Jeff is that he will not change his mind. Ever!

NOT TRUE!!!!

Pia...really?  C'mon now...