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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  A Taste Of Hell - OWC
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Don
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 9:11am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Taste Of Hell by Dante on the beach - Short, Horror - When all the planets in the solar system align with the sun, the Earth is briefly transported into another dimension. As it does, a father playing on the beach and his daughter gets to experience their own personal hell.  - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Cam Gray
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 9:37am Report to Moderator
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Hey writer,

Errrrrrrr...

You met the brief! Congrats there, there was some heat and some suspense, a big tick.

Right, the rest of it. Sorry to say but it was littered with typos, especially the first page, and quite a lot of repetitions of words. It's a really odd criticism I know, but when you read something you subconsciously get into a rhythm, and whilst it's not poetry, to see the same words in back to back sentences does throw the mind off. Just drag the thesaurus out and you'll be fine. Also, lose page 5, a bit sloppy.

The story was nuts, absolutely bonkers. Loved the man's struggle against the crabs, which weirdly turned into ghost crabs for some reason, but it really was absolutely crazy.

I certainly didn't hate it but it does need work. A good scan for typos, make it flow better with some re-wording and I'm sure some people will dig the story. Not really for me but alright none the less.

Cam


23 Mu Muís in an ice cream van...
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 2:48pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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What's with so many Title pages being so off center?  Just a bad way to start...but then again, with a logline like you have here, I'm not sure if this is even supposed to be taken seriously.  Let's see what we have here.

With a lead character named Jeff, you'd think this would be winner, but alas, as I presumed, it's a pisser, and just too dumb for me to enjoy right now.

I'm out on Page 2, with the Big Bad Wolf aside.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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irish eyes
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 4:22pm Report to Moderator
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Wow that was weird !

One minute he's playing with his daughter the next he's having a personal battle with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Crabs.

I stuck through to the end and it wasn't the worst but a lot of over explanation particularly in your logline.

It seemed like you put too much effort in to reach 6 pages when you could have just a bittersweet story and leave out the crabs in particular

good job on entering


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JEStaats
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 4:53pm Report to Moderator
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Haven't read the other reviews yet so pardon if I repeat others.

- Lay on the earthshine beach... Eh? Odd.

- Jeff is not capitalized when introduced. He's tanned and athletic yet buried to his neck in sand.

This is starting off with a lot of unecessary detail, including names. We'll never know unless they're wearing name tags. A father and daughter. How do we know that he had a revelation that life can start after forty?

The story is kinda cool but a bit too bizarre. Rose is suddenly buried to her neck? I'm starting to think this is all a dream.

Not a dream...just really weird. With some work, it could work. Make it all a dream and it could work. IDK. Good effort!
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eldave1
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 6:31pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry, it lost me.

I will give you this - the image of a father and daughter buried in the sand up to their necks while the tide rolls in is spine tingling. Would like to see that concept woven into a better story.

The mutant crabs took me right out.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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Dreamscale
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 6:37pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1
The mutant crabs took me right out.


Ghost crabs, even!  HA!!



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 4:41am Report to Moderator
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https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ghost_crab

I see what you are going for with the story but what happened to your formatting? Weird title page and an extra page at the end. It's like  your final draft got possessed lol.

Anyway this one is imaginative for sure but it needs more of a setup for people to get what is going on.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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ChrisBodily
Posted: August 6th, 2018, 5:07am Report to Moderator
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Jeff, eh?


Quoted Text
Shadows circle the sand around him. He looks up to see a flock of seagulls circling [overhead], buzzard fashion.


And I raaaaaan, I ran so far awaaaaayyy




Quoted Text
He squints, are they seagulls or buzzards?


Oh. An actual flock of actual seagulls. Anyway, "I Ran" needs to be on the soundtrack if this ever gets produced.

RIP Mr. Krabs.


Quoted Text
Thereís a Mexican standoff moment.


Cue Ennio Morricone.

Do crabs have Adam's apples?


Quoted Text
He squints, turns his head as far as he can[,] left to right.


I caught an orphan.


Quoted Text
The water[-]logged sand does not budge.



Quoted Text
An ashen[-]faced Jeff



Quoted Text
A seagull falls dead out of the sky. It makes him jump.




Writer you sure love your 80s synthesizers.

What's with the blank fifth page? Pleading the Fifth?

This was pretty good. Solid writing, solid story, the weather factors into it. Short and sweet. Great job.


FADE IN:
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 3:17am Report to Moderator
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You know what, despite the numerous issues with this, there is something in this.

A nice day at the beach goes bad due to some event. An accessible concept with the potential for deep terror. Nature is against you.

The reversal of the animals is an interesting angle. Could have done with a bit for foreshadowing - animals react way before humans.

As to what actually changed, is still not clear for me, other than the animals attacked,and the sea came in.

Wasnít sure why Rose was suddenly buried either.

I think there is a filmable script in here...lurking under the sand


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MarkItZero
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 10:13pm Report to Moderator
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This was imaginative. Not sure what to make of it really, if there was any unifying theme to it. You open with this perfect sunny day and Jeff totally at peace with the world... then by the end "nothing will ever be the same"... so maybe something about how fragile life is, how fleeting happiness can be?

Tonally, it didn't quite gel. Some of the descriptions seemed to be veering into comedy... like the big-bad wolf and the Mexican standoff lines... not sure that was intentional. I do think this could potentially work as a dark comedy. When it did go very dark at the end with the father and daughter drowning that was pretty intense.


That rug really tied the room together.
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StevenClark
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 10:19pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Hate to sound like a broken record, as I just read a script I had no idea what happened, but... I have no idea what happened. I thought the earth was hurtling into space or something, but what transpired was just plain old strange and didn't make much sense to me. Sorry, not for me.


Steve


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Kyle
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 3:28pm Report to Moderator
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Logline long and messy. Not my kind of story at all by the sounds of it.

Whoever wrote this has definitely got a good imagination.

Few typos here and there, unnecessary detail and repetitive action lines.

It's surreal, had plenty of suspense and the weather certainly played its part.

Wasn't for me, though, I'm afraid.  
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MGray
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 10:10pm Report to Moderator
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Be very careful with your editing. A script with a typo ("lay" instead of "laying") right at the start would very likely be rejected by a busy reader.
Sound cues like "squawk" should be capitalized.
At the start of para. 5 use "Rose" not "her" to make it easier for the reader.
"A gust of air that would impress the big bad wolf" for me is not screenwriting. Just tell us what we can see: "A powerful jet of air" (or something like that).
Ghost crab? Could you visualize for us?
Once the scene is back to normal after the alignment ends, why would the fairground music be out of key? It's just a recording, probably, so how could it be out of key?
Heat isn't really an influential factor here, is it?
Watch for ways to take out some words. For example, could "The water that splashes Jeff is less than gentle' become something like "A wave hammers Jeff."
This is creative. I feel like a little more character development would take it to the next level. Right now it feels like some weird stuff happens, but I have no real reason to care about the characters and how they are changed.
Keep going! Nice draft.
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stevie
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 10:22pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm
A planetary alignment of that magnitude would be known years ahead so people would be ready and waiting for it.

The writer here is going for a spiritual thing here but parts of it work as Dave alluded too.

The weather is kind of impacting I guess - more so than in the majority of entries lol - but the non dialogue is so-so; Jeff and Rosie would be yelling to each other when they were buried

The writing was pretty good as I could picture it nicely just needs a tweak


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LC
Posted: August 9th, 2018, 12:33am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MGray
Be very careful with your editing. A script with a typo ("lay" instead of "laying") right at the start would very likely be rejected by a busy reader.

You know, I don't know about that re 'lay'.

I read the mistake in Pro scripts all the time re lie v lay. Even the so called experts don't seem too fussed. Too many song lyrics - Eric Clapton, you're one culprit with your 'Lay Down Sally'.  

In this case it's actually not 'laying' but 'lying' on the beach...

https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/lay-versus-lie

...

Anyway, this is an interesting story to say the least, and a very different creative take on the challenge.

a feng shui moment. ??
Isn't this a system for design for your house, design elements to encourage luck, love, money? Yes, it literally means wind and water but it sounds like your guy is momentarily enjoying a moment of Zen/meditation - calm before the storm.

Being buried up to your neck in the sand with the tide coming in is a truly terrifying image.

Eli Roth did it to great effect most recently with Keanu Reeves in Knock Knock.

This has some potential but it ain't there yet. That 'buried' scene is suspenseful and the highlight, but the rest of the  narrative is a bit like a Salvador Dali painting - a bit too surreal to make sense of, but you might like the look of it all the same.

Yep, redraft into a very simple story about a dad being buried (by his kid) in the sand and that kid being distracted, falling asleep, off playing etc., while the tide's coming in, and you're on to something very tense and suspenseful  similar to 'Curve'.



Revision History (1 edits)
LC  -  August 9th, 2018, 12:46am
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realxwriter
Posted: August 9th, 2018, 6:01am Report to Moderator
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>>a gust of air that would impress the big, bad wolf.
I love this line.  
This was an entertaining story. I loved the standoff with the crabs. I loved the horrifying climax and the eerie ending. But I didn't like the fact that both of those were in the same script. I mean the humour in Jeff's fight with crabs made me misinterpret the genre of the script. I thought it was a comedy. That somehow everything Jeff was experiencing was just an illusion. A delirium. However, this wasn't the case. Now you need to pick a choice. Is this going to be a dark tale or a bright one? The shift in the tone threw me off.

If I am to vote for which road you should take with the rewire I'd say definitely dark horror. I would make Jeff encounter a more threatening enemy than just crabs. I would also highlight the danger his daughter is in much earlier. Also, how about giving Jeff fighting chance against the sand tomb? To add to the thrill of the final scene.

I love your imagination. This was a really good attempt. Very well done.
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ReneC
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Decent writing on display (a few errors aside) and you can tell a story, but like most others I'm left with more questions than answers. I guess that was your point, to not explain and leave it up to interpretation, or a what if scenario where something truly out of this world happened and the immediate reactions to it. But it's not entertaining, it's just off-putting, and despite flirting with truly horrific things nothing of consequence really happened. Except that guy who got killed by a frisbee, and I'm having a really hard time with that.

Visual, but not visceral. This could have been truly dark and disturbing, but like I said, it's just mildly off-putting. I do appreciate how you handled the no dialogue restriction though. Way to tackle that head on.

I wonder if you have an answer for what happened...

Anyway, not bad, but not great either.

The crabs reminded me of The Dark Tower.
ďDad-a-chum? Dum-a-chum? Ded-a-chek? Did-a-chick?Ē
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pale yellow
Posted: August 9th, 2018, 4:14pm Report to Moderator
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earthshine gold beach --what does this mean?

Good job getting the heat in the beginning... good use of parameters

One minute Jeff is mute the next he can scream down the beach?

I am not sure I understand what has happened to Rose... one minute she was burying Jeff in the sand and now she is submerged. How did that happen?

There is a good story in here.. being buried in the sand while it's the hottest day and the tide coming in is very cool idea... just needs some going over this one and it will be good I think.

Good job.


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DaveTroop
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Hey there writer

As mentioned there are some problems with grammar and spelling.

This reads like an extra weird episode of The Twilight Zone.  Many of those shows defied logical explanations - you just had to go with it to enjoy it.

That said, weird events alone do not make a good story.  Expand on it.
Dialogue will certainly help.  
Maybe Rose buries him in the sand and gets mad at him.  She storms off not realizing the tide will be coming in.  Whatever.

Not sure what would happen if the planets alligned with the sun, but I think Jeff got away lucky.  
Side note:  Is it common on SS to name a characer Jeff and then torture him?

Also, Rose is somehow buried in the sand along with Jeff?  More weirdness?  

I'll give you suspense and heat.  The no dialogue was a stretch.

Overall, not bad.  Good luck.
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CindyLKeller
Posted: August 12th, 2018, 8:26am Report to Moderator
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If not for the title, I wouldn't have known they were in Hell or what was really happening.
Maybe if the beach cracked open and fire came up, then go to them being frozen in the sand???
Visual writing, but didn't know exactly why.
Cindy


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ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
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_ghostwriters
Posted: August 13th, 2018, 4:34am Report to Moderator
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I have no dog in this fight, but it doesn't mean I can't place my bets.

There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call The Twilight Zone.

Sometimes fiction has to be more real than reality.  This was very weird.  It felt like an episode of the Twilight Zone... half-way through, I was hoping Rod Serling would show up... and provide some narration, becasue I'm not quite sure what to make of this, but given the parameters...

Imagination... its limits are only those of the mind itself.  And based on this... your imagination is unlimited.  That's a compliment.

Ghostie


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GHOSTS OF APPALOOSA

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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 14th, 2018, 10:21am Report to Moderator
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All I can do is apologise for this mess. The idea was, what if some normal guy enjoying a wonderful summer day on the beach experienced a few minutes of hell. Hell as in, the place of the damned. He hasnít a clue what has happened or why, heís trapped in the sand, thereís no sound, not even from the wind and his screams are mute. Everyone has disappeared, apart from his daughter who is also trapped. Heís totally helpless, totally clueless, attacked by crabs and then he has to watch his daughter drown. Just as heís drowning, heís back to reality where he discovers that not only was this not a dream, but everyone on Earth has experienced their own version of hell; some fatally.

That was the idea anyway, but I was a bit too successful with the immersive Ďnot having a clue what was going oní experience. I honestly didnít expect anyone to get thrown by specifying a common type of coastal crab and think it was actually a ghost though lol. I should just put CRAB and not try and be clever.  

As for the formatting and spelling. I give in with Final Draft, I really do. Sometimes it formats the title page weird when I save as PDF, sometimes it adds extra pages. This time it did both and also seemed to merge in a previous draft with several typos. It was my own fault for not checking the final pdf file. My bad, sorry!

- Mark



For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 14th, 2018, 10:32am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MarkRenshaw
I honestly didnít expect anyone to get thrown by specifying a common type of coastal crab and think it was actually a ghost though lol. I should just put CRAB and not try and be clever.


Mark, the problem is that you first intro'd them as "crab".  Then, a few lines later, they were described as ghost crabs.

This is exactly what can happen when you change things up for no reason.

You get me?



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 14th, 2018, 10:34am Report to Moderator
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I think I'll bury myself in the sand.....didn't even realise I'd put sand crab, I was convinced I'd put GHOST CRAB.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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