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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  Shortlisted - OWC
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  Author    Shortlisted - OWC  (currently 579 views)
Don
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 9:24am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Shortlisted by Lukeecerf Bord - Short, Action, Thriller - While waiting to be interviewed, a young, struggling father finds something that will turn his life around in ways he didn't expect. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 2:15pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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Title Page not even remotely centered.

The intro here is very strange, to say the least.  We're in some "neighborhood", and you make it clear that it's a nice neighborhood and it's dawn, and of all things, a Blonde in a bikini walks by carrying a surfboard.  WTF?  Is this a pisser?  I mean, I just don't get it...at all.

The use of the CCTV Camera is a total cheat to get around not having dialogue.

Your asides are very annoying.

If the action happens OS, how can anyone know what's going on?  Totally incorrect.

Not sure if this is supposed to be a serious entry or not, as it makes absolutely ZERO sense.  Not for me at all.  Sorry.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Angry Bear
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 6:43pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this one was written well and I enjoyed some of the descriptions.

I also like the story how it went around and came back on itself.

There was definitely suspense here, but the weather didn't really play a big part other than a blonde in a bikini walking by. Well, Brant sweated a few times, but...

I didn't quite get the beginning though with the figurine on the window sill.

All in all a great effort.  

PS: Don't let Jeff bug you.


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Dreamscale
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 7:04pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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Quoted from Angry Bear
PS: Don't let Jeff bug you.




I don't mean to bug anyone!  Sorry...



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Anon
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 7:53pm Report to Moderator
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If Dreamscale is Jeff I've noticed a pattern in his feedback. I've been reading through few of these and every time his feedback strikes me as someone who's been trying a long time and  knows all the 'rules' but has never been able to find a voice. There's frustration behind everything he says. But I might well be proved wrong when I love the script he's written!
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 7:58pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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Quoted from Anon
If Dreamscale is Jeff I've noticed a pattern in his feedback. I've been reading through few of these and every time his feedback strikes me as someone who's been trying a long time and  knows all the 'rules' but has never been able to find a voice. There's frustration behind everything he says. But I might well be proved wrong when I love the script he's written!


Oh boy... here we go again.  

How about reviewing the script you're posting on?


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Anon
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 8:05pm Report to Moderator
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But about this script. I think this one could have been good with dialogue but the story seemed forced without it. The brief made this one tough even though the writing was good, I feel like this was a story for another brief.
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Anon
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 8:11pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale


Oh boy... here we go again.  

How about reviewing the script you're posting on?


Was doing exactly that as you were writing this, my friend. And as I said - I well may be proven wrong. If you're script is awesome. Excited to find out!
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eldave1
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 8:20pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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The story was okay, but:

- The temperature issue seemed forced. It's relatively pleasant outside and his agony is with a non-working AC. But okay...you're closer than many.

- The writing was a bit chaotic/off for me.  Examples:


Quoted Text
BRANT (25), thin and wiry but strong and sharp, hides behind
a tree thatís better groomed than him. He scans the area for
possible eyewitnesses.


thin and wiry, but strong makes sense. Thin and wiry, but strong and sharp does not. i.e., thin doesn't mean non-sharp.

Just say he scans the area - the possible eyewitness is over kill.


Quoted Text
By the next block, a BLONDE in bikini strolls by holding a
surfboard.


I'm lost as to what "by the next block" means.

Should be "a" bikini.


Quoted Text
He darts across the street toward the opposite house.


What is an "opposite house"?

I found a lot of the script like this - I had too dissect too much of the info as I went.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 2:37pm Report to Moderator
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The effects of writing again....

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oh, where did this go

one minute i was thinking who is dominique - hadn't heard that name before, so what kind of script is this...

then there was a great double cross and set up

then a decent twist and a hiring

but lets be honest whilst there was the mention of heat ,did i get a summer feeling, can you get my vote...only joking, who cares

ok, better than i expected at the beginning.

this can be really tightened, focused, but actually made into  something

good potential

fair idea for a week



My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Cam Gray
Posted: August 6th, 2018, 4:33pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Mmmmmm, drugs are bad, mkay? Good, now weíre on top of that, the script.

It was alright actually. The story had suspense, there was some runny, smashy, shooty stuff, I was never bored. However, what the hell did they hire him for? He found some blow and cash, went on the run for a bit and then pissed himself! It was like an odd version of No Country for Old Men.

Really not sure what went on in the end, but I still actually quite liked it.

Cam


23 Mu Muís in an ice cream van...
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 10:27am Report to Moderator
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Quite an inventive story which was quirky but I liked it. Some clumsy writing, I'm not sure if the writer's first language is English as some of it is weird while some is quite inventive and vivid.

I liked the tale, I wasn't quite sure how he got the job as he failed and got caught but I liked how it ended. You managed to fit a lot in 6 pages, suspense, a bit of humour, emotion; the lot!

Yeah the CCTV camera was sneaky but I liked it. The scene heading threw me off though with all the abbreviations, I still don't know what M.O.S means but I got the jist.

A good solid effort, even if the summer and heat is tenuous.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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irish eyes
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 9:26pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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Not a bad story, pretty creative how you basically went in full circle.. basically

The writing was competent although not sure where the heat/cold came into it.

You did well to finish it in 6 pages.  

Good job on entering


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Kyle
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 4:01pm Report to Moderator
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A well-written, interesting story but I'm not sure what it has to do with the theme that was set.

As a stand alone, I think it could work. But it doesn't qualify for the challenge in my eyes. Sorry.
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CindyLKeller
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 8:02pm Report to Moderator
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Lots of action here. Poor guy wanting to get closer to his child.

It does need cleaning up, but so does mine, and a lot of the others. Not so hot, but there was suspense.

As for the story, it was one of my favorites. I really liked the ending. You got me. It's nice to read an ending that was unexpected.

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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