Let's see how this one turns out.
Is your pseudonym a pun on "Luke Surfboards"?
Jeff's right about one thing, the title page is strangely skewed center-right instead of dead center. Not a good start. If I were a producer and were handed this script, I'd take one look at the title page and be skeptical.
I would exercise caution if you chose to use bold. I wouldn't bold FADE IN:, which should be formatted as if it were a shot, so as not to be mistaken for a slug.
DAWN is acceptable if used sparingly. Normally, you want to stick to DAY and NIGHT.
Quoted Text The dim sunlight |
Be careful here. The challenge is summer heat/winter cold, depending on your side of the Equator. If you fail this part of the challenge, you fail it all.
"Eyewitnesses" to what? You didn't say this was a crime script.
Quoted Text By the next block, a BLONDE in [a] bikini |
Make sure your grammar isn't too far off the mark. You want to make a good (first) impression.
I would have put "She is gone" (or just "She's gone") on its own line, since it implies a different shot.
Make sure you don't get "bated" confused with "baited." Lots of people make that mistake. For the record, you're correct: It is "bated breath."
Quoted Text [As he does so, he develops] a weaker smile and a slower breath. |
Avoid redundant redundancy like the plague.
Is Brant supposed to be a peeping Tom or a creeper? Why is he hiding behind the bushes? What's with the dog figurine?
Quoted Text EXT. COMPANY BUILDING - DAY |
A bit generic. I'd give it a name, even a fake one. Is it a cliché office job? Google? Construction? Telemarketing? Law firm? McDonald's? It's your script; this is your job.
Quoted Text Well-groomed, clean shirt, Brant looks ready to kick ass. |
You just described every job in the world? Is he wearing a plain white T-shirt? Office suit?
Quoted Text Brant follows them with his eyes. |
I sure hope Brant's eyes were in their sockets when he followed the cops. :p I'd instead rewrite this as:
Quoted Text Brant watches them. His eyes follow the cops' tracks. |
Something like that. Avoid confusing or awkward sentences.
Quoted Text still[-]under-construction office. DRILLING, HAMMERING, and SAWING sounds assault his ears. |
Capping implies sound.
Quoted Text A RECEPTIONIST (25), tall and athletic, shows up.
|
Male of female?
Quoted Text B/W CCTV CAMERA P.O.V (M.O.S.) |
This style choice may prove controversial. Some of these scripts have been lambasted for having their characters even so much as open their mouths. Mine is no exception. I approached it as if it were a silent film, and people told me I was cheating. Again, you can't please everybody.
When the P.O.V. ends, please tell us. Usually, you do this with "BACK TO SCENE", but since you decided to cut to a new scene, it might get confusing.
Quoted Text Brant sits alone on a chair, reading something off his phone: |
Now, I would assume this isn't CCTV POV, correct? No way would it pick up that kind of detail, even in HD.
Those job requirements. It seems you're setting up/foreshadowing something.
Quoted Text INT. WAITING ROOM - LATER (STILL)
|
I would just use LATER.
I see the weather has finally come into play.
Quoted Text She checks her drawers |
I hope you mean these drawers, dude!
Quoted Text INT. WAITING ROOM - LATER |
Only use LATER when back-to-back scenes are in the exact same location. And please remember to use the DAY and NIGHT indicators. A reader can be easily confused.
I would have opened page three with an establishing shot of the motel. Just describe the setting. Keep it short and sweet.
Did he steal all that money?
Some people don't mind asides, and some hate them. Exercise caution. In my opinion it works here:
Quoted Text BANG!
Brant’s eyes open. He lifts his head. Was the bang from outside or from a dream? It’s nothing. Back to sleep. |
Weather element? Check.
No dialogue? Check.
Suspense? Check.
Quoted Text INT. MOTEL ROOM - BATHROOM - NIGHT |
For me, this is a bit redundant. I'd change it to MOTEL BATHROOM, or just BATHROOM.
Quoted Text O.S. The motel room door CREAKS open.
|
How can we see this if it's O.S.? A sound effect, yes, but never write a visual element this way.
"promptly holds" what? His phone? The creaky door?
Quoted Text O.S. Dominique OPENS drawers, FLIPS the mattress, PEELS the sheets. |
Again, how do we know this? It's O.S.
Quoted Text Brant’s face contorts. He can’t hold it any longer. He finishes it inside his shorts. Urine runs down his legs. |
WTF? He's right next to the damn toilet!
So... are we still in the dark?
Quoted Text Brant runs fast enough for the Olympic’s gold for hundred meters. |
Do you mean...?
Quoted Text Brant runs fast enough for the Olympics gold for one hundred meters. |
Quoted Text Brant runs fast enough for the Olympics gold for four hundred meters. |
I'm confused. If you must keep the aside, I'd change it to:
Quoted Text Brant runs fast enough for the Olympics. |
We get the message in half the number of words.
Quoted Text Dominique bursts out of the room running for silver. |
Silver? Who does he think he is, The Lone Ranger?
Quoted Text Bangbangbangbang! |
Reads a little silly. I'd write it as:
Quoted Text BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG! |
Quoted Text Gunshots chase after Brant[,] but he is over the fence already. |
Quoted Text Soon enough, the car’s headlights reveal Dominique riding a motorcycle with its lights turned off. |
How does that work, exactly?
Quoted Text The clouds gather. |
What clouds? I'm confused.
Keep in mind, pitch black means you literally can't see a damn thing, unless it's night vision or something (Silence of the Lambs).
Quoted Text ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE SAME HOUSE |
You mean...?
Quoted Text EXT. HOUSE - FRONT - NIGHT |
Quoted Text BACK TO THE BACKYARD
|
If I weren't almost at the end, I'd bail.
Quoted Text The lights turn on and Brant finds himself an invited guest of a pool party of HUGE, TATTOOED MEN and their GIRLS. |
WTF?
Quoted Text They all stare at him in a silent demand for an explanation. |
They're certainly not alone.
Quoted Text A moment... then everyone CHEERS and ROARS in excitement. |
WTF? Total change of pace? Is this a pisser? Nothing makes sense. The only reason I'm continuing is because I'm near the end anyway.
Quoted Text “I know where you live.” |
Make up your mind? Is this a thriller or a stoner party comedy?
Emily again? Who is she and why is she in this script?
Quoted Text INT. EMILY’S BEDROOM - SAME TIME |
Quoted Text He swings at him but Dominique dodges each of his punches like freaking [Muhammad] Ali, then he headbutts him. |
If this isn't a pisser...
Quoted Text Her reaction kills him. |
Literally or figuratively?
*SPOILER*
Quoted Text They are the same cops who arrested Dominique earlier. |
That makes somewhat more sense.
What... the... fuck... did I just read? I know this certainly won't make my shortlist. Thanks for entering, though. Six pages I'll never get back.
P.S. Mark, M.O.S. stands for Mit Out Sound (without sound). It's named in reference to some German director.