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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  Shortlisted - OWC
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  Author    Shortlisted - OWC  (currently 538 views)
Don
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 9:24am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Shortlisted by Lukeecerf Bord - Short, Action, Thriller - While waiting to be interviewed, a young, struggling father finds something that will turn his life around in ways he didn't expect. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 2:15pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Title Page not even remotely centered.

The intro here is very strange, to say the least.  We're in some "neighborhood", and you make it clear that it's a nice neighborhood and it's dawn, and of all things, a Blonde in a bikini walks by carrying a surfboard.  WTF?  Is this a pisser?  I mean, I just don't get it...at all.

The use of the CCTV Camera is a total cheat to get around not having dialogue.

Your asides are very annoying.

If the action happens OS, how can anyone know what's going on?  Totally incorrect.

Not sure if this is supposed to be a serious entry or not, as it makes absolutely ZERO sense.  Not for me at all.  Sorry.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Angry Bear
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 6:43pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this one was written well and I enjoyed some of the descriptions.

I also like the story how it went around and came back on itself.

There was definitely suspense here, but the weather didn't really play a big part other than a blonde in a bikini walking by. Well, Brant sweated a few times, but...

I didn't quite get the beginning though with the figurine on the window sill.

All in all a great effort.  

PS: Don't let Jeff bug you.


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Dreamscale
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 7:04pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Quoted from Angry Bear
PS: Don't let Jeff bug you.




I don't mean to bug anyone!  Sorry...



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Anon
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 7:53pm Report to Moderator
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If Dreamscale is Jeff I've noticed a pattern in his feedback. I've been reading through few of these and every time his feedback strikes me as someone who's been trying a long time and  knows all the 'rules' but has never been able to find a voice. There's frustration behind everything he says. But I might well be proved wrong when I love the script he's written!
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 7:58pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Quoted from Anon
If Dreamscale is Jeff I've noticed a pattern in his feedback. I've been reading through few of these and every time his feedback strikes me as someone who's been trying a long time and  knows all the 'rules' but has never been able to find a voice. There's frustration behind everything he says. But I might well be proved wrong when I love the script he's written!


Oh boy... here we go again.  

How about reviewing the script you're posting on?


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Anon
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 8:05pm Report to Moderator
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But about this script. I think this one could have been good with dialogue but the story seemed forced without it. The brief made this one tough even though the writing was good, I feel like this was a story for another brief.
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Anon
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Quoted from Dreamscale


Oh boy... here we go again.  

How about reviewing the script you're posting on?


Was doing exactly that as you were writing this, my friend. And as I said - I well may be proven wrong. If you're script is awesome. Excited to find out!
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eldave1
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 8:20pm Report to Moderator
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The story was okay, but:

- The temperature issue seemed forced. It's relatively pleasant outside and his agony is with a non-working AC. But okay...you're closer than many.

- The writing was a bit chaotic/off for me.  Examples:


Quoted Text
BRANT (25), thin and wiry but strong and sharp, hides behind
a tree thatís better groomed than him. He scans the area for
possible eyewitnesses.


thin and wiry, but strong makes sense. Thin and wiry, but strong and sharp does not. i.e., thin doesn't mean non-sharp.

Just say he scans the area - the possible eyewitness is over kill.


Quoted Text
By the next block, a BLONDE in bikini strolls by holding a
surfboard.


I'm lost as to what "by the next block" means.

Should be "a" bikini.


Quoted Text
He darts across the street toward the opposite house.


What is an "opposite house"?

I found a lot of the script like this - I had too dissect too much of the info as I went.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 2:37pm Report to Moderator
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where's my simply scripts thong?

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oh, where did this go

one minute i was thinking who is dominique - hadn't heard that name before, so what kind of script is this...

then there was a great double cross and set up

then a decent twist and a hiring

but lets be honest whilst there was the mention of heat ,did i get a summer feeling, can you get my vote...only joking, who cares

ok, better than i expected at the beginning.

this can be really tightened, focused, but actually made into  something

good potential

fair idea for a week



My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Cam Gray
Posted: August 6th, 2018, 4:33pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Mmmmmm, drugs are bad, mkay? Good, now weíre on top of that, the script.

It was alright actually. The story had suspense, there was some runny, smashy, shooty stuff, I was never bored. However, what the hell did they hire him for? He found some blow and cash, went on the run for a bit and then pissed himself! It was like an odd version of No Country for Old Men.

Really not sure what went on in the end, but I still actually quite liked it.

Cam


23 Mu Muís in an ice cream van...
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 10:27am Report to Moderator
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Quite an inventive story which was quirky but I liked it. Some clumsy writing, I'm not sure if the writer's first language is English as some of it is weird while some is quite inventive and vivid.

I liked the tale, I wasn't quite sure how he got the job as he failed and got caught but I liked how it ended. You managed to fit a lot in 6 pages, suspense, a bit of humour, emotion; the lot!

Yeah the CCTV camera was sneaky but I liked it. The scene heading threw me off though with all the abbreviations, I still don't know what M.O.S means but I got the jist.

A good solid effort, even if the summer and heat is tenuous.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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irish eyes
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 9:26pm Report to Moderator
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Not a bad story, pretty creative how you basically went in full circle.. basically

The writing was competent although not sure where the heat/cold came into it.

You did well to finish it in 6 pages.  

Good job on entering


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Kyle
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 4:01pm Report to Moderator
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A well-written, interesting story but I'm not sure what it has to do with the theme that was set.

As a stand alone, I think it could work. But it doesn't qualify for the challenge in my eyes. Sorry.
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CindyLKeller
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 8:02pm Report to Moderator
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Lots of action here. Poor guy wanting to get closer to his child.

It does need cleaning up, but so does mine, and a lot of the others. Not so hot, but there was suspense.

As for the story, it was one of my favorites. I really liked the ending. You got me. It's nice to read an ending that was unexpected.

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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MGray
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 9:52pm Report to Moderator
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Nice, active writing.
The writing will really help the actors, director understand your vision, but be careful not to go too far beyond what can easily be seen. A couple times you seemed to brush up against being unfilmable.
But the writing kept me moving through the story nicely.
A couple confusing things.,.
1] He seems not to live with Emily, so how does Dominique know where she lives?
2] I can't imagine having someone breaking into my hotel room and stopping for a pee.
Finally, I think for me the heat doesn't play a role. It's just there.
Nice work! Keep going! I'd like to see this a couple drafts later.
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StevenClark
Posted: August 9th, 2018, 10:05pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

I'm not really sure what I just read. Haha. Don't mean to say that, but there were instances--such as Emily and the dog figurine, that left me bewildered. How he found the bag of coke and made a break for it is very good anticipation on his prospective employers end in knowing he would go for it. Only in the movies, I guess. However, I feel you have the genesis for a story here, and a good one. This is one I'd work on further after the challenge. Decent job.


Steve


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ChrisBodily
Posted: August 10th, 2018, 3:00am Report to Moderator
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Let's see how this one turns out.

Is your pseudonym a pun on "Luke Surfboards"?

Jeff's right about one thing, the title page is strangely skewed center-right instead of dead center. Not a good start. If I were a producer and were handed this script, I'd take one look at the title page and be skeptical.

I would exercise caution if you chose to use bold. I wouldn't bold FADE IN:, which should be formatted as if it were a shot, so as not to be mistaken for a slug.

DAWN is acceptable if used sparingly. Normally, you want to stick to DAY and NIGHT.


Quoted Text
The dim sunlight


Be careful here. The challenge is summer heat/winter cold, depending on your side of the Equator. If you fail this part of the challenge, you fail it all.

"Eyewitnesses" to what? You didn't say this was a crime script.


Quoted Text
By the next block, a BLONDE in [a] bikini


Make sure your grammar isn't too far off the mark. You want to make a good (first) impression.

I would have put "She is gone" (or just "She's gone") on its own line, since it implies a different shot.

Make sure you don't get "bated" confused with "baited." Lots of people make that mistake. For the record, you're correct: It is "bated breath."


Quoted Text
[As he does so, he develops] a weaker smile and a slower breath.


Avoid redundant redundancy like the plague.

Is Brant supposed to be a peeping Tom or a creeper? Why is he hiding behind the bushes? What's with the dog figurine?


Quoted Text
EXT. COMPANY BUILDING - DAY


A bit generic. I'd give it a name, even a fake one. Is it a clichť office job? Google? Construction? Telemarketing? Law firm? McDonald's? It's your script; this is your job.


Quoted Text
Well-groomed, clean shirt, Brant looks ready to kick ass.


You just described every job in the world? Is he wearing a plain white T-shirt? Office suit?


Quoted Text
Brant follows them with his eyes.


I sure hope Brant's eyes were in their sockets when he followed the cops. :p I'd instead rewrite this as:


Quoted Text
Brant watches them. His eyes follow the cops' tracks.


Something like that. Avoid confusing or awkward sentences.


Quoted Text
still[-]under-construction office. DRILLING, HAMMERING, and SAWING sounds assault his ears.


Capping implies sound.


Quoted Text
A RECEPTIONIST (25), tall and athletic, shows up.


Male of female?


Quoted Text
B/W CCTV CAMERA P.O.V (M.O.S.)


This style choice may prove controversial. Some of these scripts have been lambasted for having their characters even so much as open their mouths. Mine is no exception. I approached it as if it were a silent film, and people told me I was cheating. Again, you can't please everybody.

When the P.O.V. ends, please tell us. Usually, you do this with "BACK TO SCENE", but since you decided to cut to a new scene, it might get confusing.


Quoted Text
Brant sits alone on a chair, reading something off his phone:


Now, I would assume this isn't CCTV POV, correct? No way would it pick up that kind of detail, even in HD.

Those job requirements. It seems you're setting up/foreshadowing something.


Quoted Text
INT. WAITING ROOM - LATER (STILL)


I would just use LATER.

I see the weather has finally come into play.


Quoted Text
She checks her drawers


I hope you mean these drawers, dude!




Quoted Text
INT. WAITING ROOM - LATER


Only use LATER when back-to-back scenes are in the exact same location. And please remember to use the DAY and NIGHT indicators. A reader can be easily confused.

I would have opened page three with an establishing shot of the motel. Just describe the setting. Keep it short and sweet.

Did he steal all that money?  

Some people don't mind asides, and some hate them. Exercise caution. In my opinion it works here:


Quoted Text
BANG!

Brantís eyes open. He lifts his head. Was the bang from outside or from a dream? Itís nothing. Back to sleep.


Weather element? Check.
No dialogue? Check.
Suspense? Check.


Quoted Text
INT. MOTEL ROOM - BATHROOM - NIGHT


For me, this is a bit redundant. I'd change it to MOTEL BATHROOM, or just BATHROOM.


Quoted Text
O.S. The motel room door CREAKS open.


How can we see this if it's O.S.? A sound effect, yes, but never write a visual element this way.

"promptly holds" what? His phone? The creaky door?


Quoted Text
O.S. Dominique OPENS drawers, FLIPS the mattress, PEELS the sheets.


Again,  how do we know this? It's O.S.


Quoted Text
Brantís face contorts. He canít hold it any longer. He finishes it inside his shorts. Urine runs down his legs.


WTF? He's right next to the damn toilet!

So... are we still in the dark?


Quoted Text
Brant runs fast enough for the Olympicís gold for hundred meters.


Do you mean...?


Quoted Text
Brant runs fast enough for the Olympics gold for one hundred meters.



Quoted Text
Brant runs fast enough for the Olympics gold for four hundred meters.


I'm confused. If you must keep the aside, I'd change it to:


Quoted Text
Brant runs fast enough for the Olympics.


We get the message in half the number of words.


Quoted Text
Dominique bursts out of the room running for silver.


Silver? Who does he think he is, The Lone Ranger?


Quoted Text
Bangbangbangbang!


Reads a little silly. I'd write it as:


Quoted Text
BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG!



Quoted Text
Gunshots chase after Brant[,] but he is over the fence already.



Quoted Text
Soon enough, the carís headlights reveal Dominique riding a motorcycle with its lights turned off.


How does that work, exactly?


Quoted Text
The clouds gather.


What clouds? I'm confused.

Keep in mind, pitch black means you literally can't see a damn thing, unless it's night vision or something (Silence of the Lambs).


Quoted Text
ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE SAME HOUSE


You mean...?


Quoted Text
EXT. HOUSE - FRONT - NIGHT



Quoted Text
BACK TO THE BACKYARD


If I weren't almost at the end, I'd bail.


Quoted Text
The lights turn on and Brant finds himself an invited guest of a pool party of HUGE, TATTOOED MEN and their GIRLS.


WTF?


Quoted Text
They all stare at him in a silent demand for an explanation.


They're certainly not alone.


Quoted Text
A moment... then everyone CHEERS and ROARS in excitement.


WTF? Total change of pace? Is this a pisser? Nothing makes sense. The only reason I'm continuing is because I'm near the end anyway.


Quoted Text
ďI know where you live.Ē


Make up your mind? Is this a thriller or a stoner party comedy?

Emily again? Who is she and why is she in this script?


Quoted Text
INT. EMILYíS BEDROOM - SAME TIME



Quoted Text
He swings at him but Dominique dodges each of his punches like freaking [Muhammad] Ali, then he headbutts him.


If this isn't a pisser...


Quoted Text
Her reaction kills him.


Literally or figuratively?

*SPOILER*


Quoted Text
They are the same cops who arrested Dominique earlier.


That makes somewhat more sense.

What... the... fuck... did I just read? I know this certainly won't make my shortlist. Thanks for entering, though. Six pages I'll never get back.

P.S. Mark, M.O.S. stands for Mit Out Sound (without sound). It's named in reference to some German director.


FADE IN:
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ReneC
Posted: August 11th, 2018, 3:27pm Report to Moderator
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I liked where this was going, but the nonsense piled on too much.

Excellent use of the CCTV and M.O.S. to get past the no dialogue restriction. I liked everything about the initial setup, including finding the "treasure," which was obvious to me as part of the interview process. I was glad to see that, I had reservations about a story about an interview without dialogue.

Where it started to fall apart was in the motel room. Surely Dominique couldn't have expected Brant to be awake, so what was his plan exactly if this is all a test? The "treasure" was on the nightstand, why is Dominique tossing the room looking for it? How badly did Brant have to pee if he'd already started and then couldn't hold the rest?

It seems you tried to make him fit each of the job requirements, but as the employer for whatever shady activity they're into, their plan makes no sense. And if that doesn't make sense, none of it does.

A nice try, it has some potential if you address the second half.


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pale yellow
Posted: August 11th, 2018, 11:20pm Report to Moderator
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I really like your logline.

B/W CCTV CAMERA P.O.V. (M.O.S.)--do not need in spec scripts

Love this job requirement... makes me wonder -- A fast runner. -
Fearless when the situation demands it.

A bit confused... one minute the AC bag has a serpent (a snake?) inside it and the next it has money rolls and cocaine in it? How did that happen?? Is this like a magician's bag or something???

A little confusion along the way.... found myself skimming on this one a bit.

I do like how you came full circle at the end.

Good job.




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_ghostwriters
Posted: August 13th, 2018, 3:26am Report to Moderator
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I have no dog in this fight, doesn't mean I can't place my bets.

On the upside, nowhere in the genre did it say anything about this being a comedy, but I must have been hitting the zany sauce pretty hard,  because I found myself laughing, as I read this...

On the downside, motel 6 says they'll leave the light on for you, but once we arrived..I was completely in the FREAKIN' dark.... I had a hard time following what the heck was going on, so I read it again.  I got it.  Although the ending felt abrupt.

I thought this was a fun read and entertaining.

Ghostie


A-CAROLING FOR CHRISTMAS

GHOSTS OF APPALOOSA

RISE OF THE AMAZONS

THE SLEEPING TIGER

THE TIME GUARDIAN

"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."
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