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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  The Burial - OWC
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  Author    The Burial - OWC  (currently 496 views)
Don
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 9:42am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Burial by 0 - Short, Action - The burial of a simple farmer is interrupted by a known gang and a mysterious drifter. - fdr format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  August 5th, 2018, 8:27am
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LC
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 9:52am Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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This one is in fdr format.

Final Draft, I assume.
Can the writer convert to PDF and resubmit to Don?


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Don
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 9:59am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Quoted from LC
This one is in fdr format.

Final Draft, I assume.
Can the writer convert to PDF and resubmit to Don?


I've asked the writer to submit in PDF.  Stand by.

- Don


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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stevie
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 9:53pm Report to Moderator
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Lol I picked this to read first as it was at the bottom


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Don
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 8:27am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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This is now in pdf format.

- Don


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 12:54pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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Title page looks terrible and is a very bad start, as it hasn't been filled out.

"medium sized coffin" - Huh?  

1st page is way overwritten and is a real slog to get through.

I'm sorry, but I'm out.  Nothing is going on here.  Too many useless characters intro'd, nothing about heat or cold at all other than a dude sweating.

Sorry, not for me.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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eldave1
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 12:54pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Need a title page.

This is one where the lack of dialogue seems unbelievable given the setting even there are hints at it (e.g., the priest finishes his eulogy).

There are format errors and some odd passages like this one:


Quoted Text
INT. CHURCH ENTRANCE/PEW - EVENING

Raymond catches the eye of Father Elliot.
FATHER ELLIOT
He nods.

INT. CHURCH FRONT ROW - EVENING

Jake catches the nod from Father Elliot.

He Looks back


Maybe accidentally written twice.

Looks like a newer writer here.   Kudos on entering. You did meet the parameters


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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JEStaats
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 1:21pm Report to Moderator
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The lack of a completed title page set the tone of this one. Newer writer with new software?

Way over written. So many characters with names and descriptions that don't add anything to the story. A lot of awkward little actions, faces, and filler that is unnecessary. Grammar, spelling, formatting and punctuation issues too.

Plodded through to the end and just didn't get it.
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CindyLKeller
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 7:22pm Report to Moderator
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It seems to me that this came out of a larger piece.
Maybe if we knew why all of this was happening, it wouldn't feel that way.
There were a lot of characters in this short and I had to read it a few times to figure out who was who, but that could easily be fixed if we knew why this was happening.
Maybe the guy stole from them?
Your writing is very vivid though. It was hot and there was no dialogue, so I guess you met the challenge, but it was confusing.


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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StevenClark
Posted: August 6th, 2018, 10:21pm Report to Moderator
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Last clue... Or is it?

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Writer,

Sorry to say, this was very awkwardly written, so much so that I really had no idea what you intended here. Many problems with placing of commas and the like. A few here and there I will not mention it, but here it all seemed to be off. I'm sure there was a story here that you wanted us to see, but what happens many times with unclear writing is that the story just gets lost, and that's what happened for me. Appreciate the effort, though.

Steve


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Cam Gray
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 4:32pm Report to Moderator
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Definitely a new writer then (hopefully),

Iím not sure what to say here, so Iíll just say what Iíve told others already, study other peopleís work and just learn how to format and screenwrite correctly.

You completely lost me, and the way that it reads at the moment is kinda like when in the Planet of the Apes reboot the monkey starts talking in broken English. This isnít meant to sound too harsh a criticism, just to exemplify where you are right now.

Everyone needs a disasterpiece to show them where they are going wrong, and this one is yours. Take that negative, work hard on your basics and come back with something for the next OWC that will surprise everyone.

Best of luck, and if you need pointed in the direction of some sample work after the challenge, let me know and Iíll be more than happy to help.

Cam


23 Mu Muís in an ice cream van...
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Lightfoot
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 6:23pm Report to Moderator
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Well there seems to be a lot more to this story than you showed. I didn't really see a point to all that went down and by the time the ending came I was left even more confused. Maybe 6 pages is just too short to tell this story completely? I get the jist of it, clearly there is something going on or something that happened to make Jake crash the funeral like he did, but I haven't pick up on anything that can explain why.

You can go through this and trim it up quite a bit too. For an example, the couple that's arguing. This doesn't really add anything to the story apart from being filler. Raymond isn't affected by it nor does it have any effect later on in the story.
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MGray
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 8:36pm Report to Moderator
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It's a tough one to get through, but keep going! A few more drafts and you could have something.
A few suggestions....
Check a format guide for when to capitalize elements.
Watch for hyphens...it should be "medium-sized coffin."
Proofread literally twenty times before submitting. That's what I do, if not more.
Good luck with your writing!
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DaveTroop
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 10:21pm Report to Moderator
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Hey writer,

Your software contains Title Page Publisher.  In this contest, you needed only the script title, a fictitious name, and copyright 2018.

I'm sorry to say I saw nothing even resembling a plot here.  Just an endless parade of mourners entering the church, performing schtick, and then sitting or leaving.

The parameters?  A lot of sweating, people packing heat for no reason, and a eulogy without words.

All writers can learn craft by reading produced screenplays in their chosen genre.  It just so happens you're a the right place.  Download a few.

Thanks for entering.  Good luck.
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Anon
Posted: August 8th, 2018, 1:15pm Report to Moderator
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Haven't got time for a full critique but all I can say is practice makes perfect. You have some imagination - learn more about the craft of writing and story structure.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 9th, 2018, 4:38am Report to Moderator
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Welcome to the school of OWC hard knocks. Can feel a bit rough.

First off, you entered a script.

Second it has acontianed scene- thatreally helps if you want it filmed.

Next wrist conflict - heavies , church, others etc

My tips would be to

Nail Down format

Cleanse any writing of what is not essential , characters and description wise. If you ale away a character, can the story still work etc

Be clear on the story and how people will felt the end

Shorts usually need a twist, finale, best is one thatís not ash to see

Best of luck


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Kyle
Posted: August 10th, 2018, 1:09pm Report to Moderator
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Not entirely sure what went on here and not sure what it had to do with the theme of the challenge.

Almost reads as if it's been plucked out from a larger project with all of the dialogue removed.

I liked the setting and the mysterious nature of it to a point, but not much else I'm afraid.  

Not for me.
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realxwriter
Posted: August 10th, 2018, 3:45pm Report to Moderator
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For the best part of this script, I didn't have any idea where the story was heading. You didn't establish a clear goal from the beginning.  And the last bit was confusing. So if they tranquilized Jake what happened to his armed men? The ending was a bit confusing and I didn't know what to make of it.

Thank you for participating.
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ChrisBodily
Posted: August 10th, 2018, 5:14pm Report to Moderator
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Writer, this was originally submitted in Final Draft format and then resubmitted as PDF. Bad start right there.

I usually wouldn't say this, but you've lost me on the title page. If you can't write a good title page, why should I believe you can write a good script?

This is the worst kind of rookie mistake you can make. I've read several terrible scripts this month, but this takes the cake. And I thought "Quantam (sic) Leap" was the Flub of the Century.

Sorry, I can't bear it.


FADE IN:
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pale yellow
Posted: August 10th, 2018, 9:35pm Report to Moderator
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The title page ....

This reads really heavy...could try trimming it down some. If the descriptions do not do anything to build the world, build the character or move the story forward... they need to be cut out. This will make it read faster/easier.

There are visual gaps throughout the story. Like one second Raymond is in the car... and then the next he's walking thru the church doors.

Seems like this funeral goes on way longer than normal.. and do funerals usually take place at dusk/evening? I cannot remember ever going to one at night.. we have been to showings and funeral homes at night though.

I am not sure what this story is about. Is it about a burial? Or about a shootout in the church. It isn't quite clear who are the main characters.

Good on completing an owc.


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