Quoted from abelorfao Page 5: If you are referring to a specific weapon, the phrase "45 automatic" should be ".45 ACP" or ".45 Auto."

I decided to respond to yours first, because of this reason. While I think lack of hypen-age is in the eye of the beholder, and I will get to other issues in a moment, but I had to single out this comment.

With all due respect, you are flat out wrong.
In essence, you are telling me to abbreviate. I'm sorry abe, abbreviating/ shorthand goes against writing guidelines. Shorthand and abbriviations in all and any forms is my number one pet peeve when I read; I'm sure as fire not going to practice what I preach.

It is the only comment of the bunch that I had any real disagreement with.
More to follow

Quoted from grademan No One Lives Forever Action: Yes Budget: No I saw this as a back story for Tommy Lee Jones’ character in US Marshalls. Very good. The bandaged hand was nicely handled as a key to the story. The “three men to keep him down” was also clever. The questioning of the Marshall’s ability to handle the prisoner was overdone. I don’t think this qualifies as low budget, mainly the airport shootouts. Thunderstorm should be hail storm. Also when answering a question, don’t say yes or no. Let the answer do the work. ANGUS No, I lost. Should be: ANGUS I lost.

I understand what you're saying, And it is better never to answer with yes or no. But that's what I heard the character say, so he said no.

The budget is the real kicker here. If I really had to I would probably get rid of the security guard even though I wanted a minute so folks can catch a breath and have a better transition between action scenes. To me, we have these other "high budget issues" that may not be that high on a second or third glance: :

- a small town airport, mostly used for cargo/transport

- a jet* that doesn't really move (it could simply be a set, nothing more with only the front of a real but decommisioned plane in place -*and it IS my fault on that, I should have said "jet" not "plane" to be more clear)

- a small plane in a hangar that does not have to fly, and the engine shot from a forced perspective and/or sound effect up a little.

That said, I could very well be all wrong unless I got real lucky and folks filmed it somewhere in Romania...

Thanks for your comments

Quoted from Dreamscale I'll give this one credit for trying to write a complete script with a story and characters with character, even.  That's as far as I can go through with the compliments, sorry to say.

Thanks anyway.

Quoted from Dreamscale Slugs are literally terrible and in many cases incorrect.  Some don't make any sense.  Some have action taking place in them that is impossible. Some are missing times.  .

Missing times. Ah yes. Since most of times are understood to be moments later or a minute or two at best, I didn't feel it was always needed. Not sure what you mean about action taking place in the slugs though, Jeff. You kind of lost me there. If you mean action in that location, I'm going for over the top 80s style type of B film action with a 'heightened' reality if you will. The kind of flicks where in a car chase, if the good guy's ride hits a tree he gets up with a scratch, and if the bad guy hits a speed bump his car automatically explodes.

Okay, I didn't go THAT far, but you get where I'm going with...this...eh? You don't?  
Oh well.

Quoted from Dreamscale Lots of attempted direction in the writing, which, again, makes it tough to understand exactly what's supposed to be going on, cause alot of the "attempts" failed and turned out more confusing than anything else.

I didn't call out any camera direction. Maybe a point could be made with the sniper's scope but that's about it. Could be something I missed, but not in this matter.

Quoted from Dreamscale So, Argus is in his 300's and Ryan is in his 200's?  Hmmm...I know...a typo, no big deal, but funny...but you do need to look at how you wrote the ages, as there seems to be something wrong here.  There's an umelot or whatever over the "0" in many of the ages.

This is where you (and others) got me.
Since you also mentioned the story, I'll explain what may have happened here, and yes, it was my foul up and I should have spotted it.

No One Lives Forever started out not as a OWC for me, but part of a treatment/outline to a script which I never got around to writing. In that treatment I had names and ages, but when I cut & pasted into a new fdr file and pdf'd it the translation. The translation added a 0 in those ages. It also took out some of the ' here and there.

Quoted from Dreamscale I like that you kept this bandaged hand thing going throughout, but the payout was weak and not well done...almost anti-climatic.  Good idea though for sure.

I agree. You'll get no argument here. I actually wanted it to be a mystery of sorts in the OWC and simply a decoy, so Manes underestimates Argus. But I was also relying on my backstory in my outline, where the two had some history and Manes simply forgot about him, thinking the "guy he shot" in Baton Rogue was dead. Something like that.

Quoted from Dreamscale Finally, you did have a complete story here and I really appreciate that.  The execution isn't there, but the effort surely is, so good job on that.

Wasn't easy. There was a lot more in my outline and I had to write it leaving out some characters, events and...yes, I changed a lot of stuff for the OWC, but it gave me an excuse to write some of it and test it out.

More to follow.

Quoted from Ryan1 This one had some decent action at least.  But, I just didn't find the story all that compelling and there were too many gaps in logic.  No way would a Marshal allow a dangerous fugitive to sit in the passenger seat next to him.  Also, all those shots being fired at the plane...a plane is pretty much a rolling gas can, I don't think shooting at it is a good for either side in this story. Still, at least you kept the action moving pretty much throughout the script, so there is that.

First things first, Ryan. What gave me away?
(You were the first to guess my script right)

Again, this is a bit of heightened reality, where most action have gaps in logic in order for storytelling or thrill ride sake. That said,  "No way would a US Marshal allow a dangerous fugitive to sit next to him" - great point! My original intent was that it was simply to make Manes think him incompetent or to under-estimate him AND there was a bit of history between the two that Manes forgot about- Argus simply wanted to humiliate and rough Manes up a little bit. That said, you're still right. Most of the conversation could have taken place with Manes in the back.

Quoted Text "The rear left tire rolls over a dead woman's wrist."  Okay - what'd I miss?  Random dead woman in the field?...

One of the agents, lost in the choas.
Hocus-pocus....

Darren, even though I get zero feedback and help our of you, for some odd reason, I’ll respond to your replies, in hopes of helping you with your writing.

Your response about my initial post that your Slugs were a mess and incorrect in many places, shows that you’re not quite getting it.  Here’s what you said…

“Missing times. Ah yes. Since most of times are understood to be moments later or a minute or two at best, I didn't feel it was always needed.   Not sure what you mean about action taking place in the slugs though, Jeff. You kind of lost me there. If you mean action in that location, I'm going for over the top 80s style type of B film action with a 'heightened' reality if you will. The kind of flicks where in a car chase, if the good guy's ride hits a tree he gets up with a scratch, and if the bad guy hits a speed bump his car automatically explodes.”

So, let’s address both issues, first the “missing times” in your Slugs.  The vast majority of your Slugs use “DAY” as your time, which is fine, although it really doesn’t give us much help in terms of actual passing time, but that’s a personal choice.  You use “MOMETS LATER” 1 time, and then every other Slug has no time element.  You can’t tell me this was intentional, and if it is, I’m at a loss.  Adding a time element does not take up any additional space or lines.  It is required in a full Slug.  It adds to the read, as it gives important information.  No reason in the world to skip it sometimes, but not others.

The 2nd part of your response does not deal with the issues I’m talking about, so I’ll try again, in greater detail.

For instance, your opening Slug on Page 1, which runs to Page 2 has issues with it because it contains action taking place outside of where the Slug says we are…in other words, you’re missing Slugs.  It says we’re in a Hallway, but once we leave that Hallway, you need to change the Slug, and you didn’t.  Ryan is not seated in the Hallway with a personal fan and a mound of paperwork…he’s in his office cubicle, I’d imagine, right?

Your next Slug is a Mini, but it shouldn’t be, as time has passed since the last shot/scene.   When you start a new scene (a non continuous scene), you can’t just assume that we know who’s in this scene.  You have Keller speaking before we even know he’s there.

On Page 5, you have the old dreaded “I/E. WHITE VAN – DAY”, but that’s not accurate.  Every line except for the last is inside the van.  Once Cruger gets out of the van, you need a new Slug, and because he immediately sprints to a patch of tall grass, EXT. WHITE VAN doesn’t work anyway.  It’s lazy and non descriptive and hurts the visual here very much.  PK, Page 6 is where things really fall apart Slug-wise, and why it’s impossible to keep up with what’s going on and where…check this out…

We go to the GRASS PATCH, but then we immediately go into a Sniper’s Scope POV, that’s not even labeled as a POV.  Then, for some crazy reason, we’ve got a “CUT TO:” but no Slug of a van speeding up and busting through some gate, somewhere, but remember, we’re still at the grass patch, and we’ve never even seen this van moving yet.

Then, another “CUT TO” (which actually should be a “BACK TO SCENE”) without a Slug, and Kruger’s taking shots…and killing some pilot, but you know what?  You never even established that Kruger’s the one in the grass patch, because instead, you got tricky and directed exact shots of only the scope going on.  And in the prior scene, you were lazy and used INT/EXT VAN, instead of GRASS PATCH.

Next we go to an odd Slug, “GARLAND COUNTY AIRPORT.” – With a period in it, no breakdown where in the airport, and no time element again.  This new scene is not set up at all, so we have no clue who’s in it, and/or what’s going on.  Where does Argus step out of?  What’s going on here?

The next Slug is OK, although missing a time.  Then, we go to another problem Slug, “EXT PLANE”.  Does the action you’re describing sound like it’s taking place in “EXT PLANE”?  It sure doesn’t to me.

Then you’ve got what look like 2 Mini Slugs that aren’t correct…no INT/EXT, no time element.

OK, you still with me?   Next, we go to an “EXT. RENTAL CAR”, with no time element again.  And read the action lines here and tell me if this all takes place outside this rental car.  At the bottom of the page, he gets inside the car, meaning, you need a new Slug here, “INT. RENTAL CAR – CONTINUUOS”.  The lines “Manes, .45 in hand.  Devlin and Ellis next to him.” Make about zero sense.  Neither is a sentence.  Neither tells us where they are.  Neither works in the slightest.  Are they inside the car or outside?

After Manes speaks, the lines that follow go back and forth from INT to EXT shots, but we’re still supposedly in an EXT. RENTAL CAR scene.

On Page 9, the Slug reads “AIRPORT”, which is different than “GARLAND COUNTY AIRPORT”, and gives us zero visual of where in/on the airport we are.

Then on Page 10, you’ve “INT. AIRPORT – HANGAR”, where as before it was simply “HANGAR”.  You see what I’m saying?  If a Slug reads differently, an astute reader has to think it’s a new location.  This is just such lazy writing.

Now we’re back to simply “HANGAR” again, a few passages later.  Back and forth…back and forth…

And this entire scene is just impossible to visualize because it’s set up so poorly.  You never give relative location to everyone.  One second they’re shooting at each other, the n ext, they’re in hand to hand combat.

Then, we’ve got Ellis inside a sea plane!  Somehow we and Argus can see what he’s doing inside the plane, even though we’re all still in an EXT scene, and then, Argus can even speak to him, even though he’s outside and Ellis is inside.  Manes shows up out of nowhere and they wrestle.  Then, back inside the plane, although we’re still in our Ext scene in the hangar.  Lots of goofy MMA stuff going on, including the rarely seen “Aikedo” elbow throw.

So then, still in this same EXT scene, we get Ellis, who I thought was in the sea plane and actually taking off, suddenly starts “randomly” firing from “two hand guns”, and from there, I don’t know what happens to Ellis or the plane he’s flying, as “puts him in a backward orbit” doesn’t give me much of a visual.

OK, hopefully, that explains in better detail what I was referring to with your use of Slugs.

In terms of your directing, I’m referring to the opening with the very specific coffee shots, the bandaged hand, the intro of Manes is all heavily directed, the sniper scope stuff, “the rear left wheel rolls over a dead women’s wrist”. That’s all a form of camera manipulation and/or direction, and IMO, doesn’t belong in a spec script, and especially not the way it’s been done here.

So, Darren, the fact that you didn’t even conceive and write this for the OWC is another matter in itself.  This has happened in the past and it’s always frowned upon.  The rules are quite clear, you get a theme, genre, topic, and you have 1 week to come up with an idea and write. You clearly did not adhere to this very simple logic, and it really sucks to hear it.

Hopefully this answers your questions, makes sense and doesn’t come across as too harsh.

Quoted from Dreamscale Then, we’ve got Ellis inside a sea plane!  Somehow we and Argus can see what he’s doing inside the plane, even though we’re all still in an EXT scene,

The door to the plane is open, just like the earlier scene where Argus is inside of a car during the shootout, but the door is open. This way a dressing of the interior of the sea plane may not be required

Quoted from Dreamscale Darren, even though I get zero feedback and help our of you, for some odd reason

It's been a hectic week for me. I haven't been able to review everyone's. But I actually thought I reviewed yours---until the names were revealed the other day. What are the odds that I read everyone else and skip yours? That is amazing---of all the folks here, you are the one...

Anyway, in OWC's we all make some error here and there for most everything is in rough or first draft form. I didn't want to sound too defensive, because I should take a little heat for things that I should have seen.

It's all cool, man.  No problem with getting defensive, as long as you're defending something you believe in or believe to be right.

You're under no obligation to read anything of mine, but as I've said to you numerous times, it is odd that I've read and provided rather extensive feedback on at least 5 if not more of your scripts, and you've never read or provided anythign on anything I've written and posted.  I read your giant bat monster script twice and provided lots of notes each time.

I believe in the old Quid Pro Quo karma, but I know it doesn't always come back.

Sorry to be harsh and/or picky.  All meant to help.