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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    June 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  Quarter - June 2011 OWC
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  Author    Quarter - June 2011 OWC  (currently 2889 views)
Don
Posted: June 3rd, 2011, 11:41pm Report to Moderator
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Quarter by Cordell Walker - Short, Action - A new game's just a quarter at the arcade, but hot-shot vet cop John Segale's here for a real-life princess. 9 pages - pdf, format


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grademan
Posted: June 4th, 2011, 9:47am Report to Moderator
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Cordell Walker (action star Chuck Norris)

QUARTER

Action:  High
Budget:  Not low

Now this is what I’m talking about! Action for no reason. Action as a backdrop for deep discussions. Action to top more action.

Only, one thing. The cost to this would not be low budget.

Way to work in the Donkey Kong game.

Gary

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Dreamscale
Posted: June 4th, 2011, 10:27am Report to Moderator
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I actually read this last night, but decided not to post, in fear of saying something I shouldn't, or in a way I shouldn't.  I slept on it, read it again this morning...and I feel the same way I did last night, so here goes...

I personally don't like anything about this.  I don't like the writing.  I don't see any story.  And, really, the whole thing comes off as irritating, actually.  Maybe it's just me, I don't know.

The writer knows what's he's doing, or at least, thinks he does.  That's apparent.

The whole thing, including the way it's written, just comes off as so cheesy, it's hard to even take seriously.  It's almost like a pisser in alot of ways...a slap in the face of good action writing and action films.

I don't want to to be harsh with these OWC scripts, cause I know how difficult it can be to come up with a decent idea and write it well in a week's time.  But again, I think the problems on display here are all due to the writer trying to be too cool and trying to write in a too cool, hip way.

There are just so many examples of mistakes that don't have to be made if the writer would just write, and not try to take everything so far overboard.

On Page 1, although it's "DAY", John's face is "bathed" in read and blue flashing police lights somehow, as he apparently just stands there in a corny "shot".  Why would this be taking place during the day, anyway?  The effect you're after here would require a night scene.

Then, at the bottom of the page, although we've moved into an INT scene, John and the policeman "stride" up to the entrance (obviously not inside like the Slug says), and then, John locks the policeman out (from inside), yet the policeman pounds on the door (from the outside).  Doesn't make any sense as written.

Then we get the classic "Henchman", retarded, over the top action sequences, some written in detail, others completely glossed over with "fighting styles" used.  Complete cheese, and we're not talking about Jarlsberg here...more like Kraft Cheese Whiz.

The writer tried to be cool with his transitions also, and for me, they didn't work at all, and read awkwardly.  The transitions themselves are written like Mini Slugs, but then, full Slugs are used continually.

Examples of "begins to", "has removed", "is staring", lots of orphans, comical, over the top dialogue that says nothing, and finally, and ending that's just about as ambiguous as you can get, rendering the complete story, useless for me.

So, with all this harshness out of my system now, I will say the writer can write.  That's for sure.  IMO, the writer should try and just write a simple and solid story and not worry about being fancy and over the top.  Action's great, but there needs to be a reason for it...a setup, and then a resolution.

This did not work for me at all.  Hopefully, I've made myself clear on what the reasons are.  Sorry for the harshness of this feedback.  
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abelorfao
Posted: June 4th, 2011, 12:56pm Report to Moderator
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Hello, Cordell. I've just read your script and here are my thoughts.

Well, it looks like you took the "on like Donkey Kong" suggestion literally. I have to admit, the last thing I was expecting was a classic arcade game re-imagined as an over-the-top 80s-style action film.

The first five pages or so were a gleefully fun read, but the shift in tone at the end from over-the-top silliness to a more serious tone lessened my enjoyment and left a slightly sour taste in my mouth. I think I know what you were trying to say but, as written, the conclusion comes across as esoteric and unsatisfying.

You neglected to add a title page to the script. According to the sluglines, the story takes place during the day but the scenes are written in a manner to suggest they were meant to take place at night. There were some instances where the sluglines and action prose could have made things clearer, such as the scene mentioned in the previous post where John and the officer approach the arcade. Here are the other things I noticed as I read the story.

Page 1: The phrase "six shooter" should be "six-shooter."

Page 2: The phrase "Half-way there" should be "Halfway there." The phrase "quarter sized circle" should be "quarter-sized circle." The phrase "absent-mindedly" should be "absentmindedly."

Page 5: The line "Well well" should be "Well, well."

Page 6: The line "John you've got to go" should be "John, you've got to go." The line "shush babe" should be "Shush, babe."

I hope this response helps, and good luck with your writing.
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Ryan1
Posted: June 4th, 2011, 3:38pm Report to Moderator
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The literal Donkey Kong script.  I knew it was coming.  

This script didn't do much for me, for a few reasons.  First, the fairly clever, fun set-up you had was followed by a by-the-numbers action feel, complete with typical tough guy action lines.  Those lines kind of ruined the flow of the story for me.

I didn't really understand the relationship between Pauline and John, so I wasn't really rooting for anyone in the story.  BTW, you should have worked "Mario" into John's name somehow.  And Pauline Kael...the old film critic?  How'd she get here?

Didn't get the ending.  She just murdered a cop and now she's walking away in front of the news cameras?  Even "out there" scripts like this have to keep a toe hold in reality, IMO.

So, good concept, not so good execution.
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c m hall
Posted: June 4th, 2011, 3:42pm Report to Moderator
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I like the punch to the henchman that leaves the quarter mark, that's awfully clever and artfully delivered.  Cleverness seems to be what you were going after in this script and you've achieved that.  It wears thin, but it's clever.
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greg
Posted: June 4th, 2011, 3:53pm Report to Moderator
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I read this last night but was too tired to comment.  I gave it another look-through just now and my thoughts are pretty much the same; a lot of action but not a lot of substance.  I honestly didn't get the relationship between John/Pauline/Damien.  I got that at first we think John is the hero but in actuality he's the bad guy...but it still wasn't clear enough to me what was going on and why.  

Fighting with nameless henchmen is also something I've never been a big fan of.  Remember in Austin Powers 3 when Nigel has an exchange with a henchman;

"Do you know who I am?  Have you got any idea how many anonymous henchmen I've killed over the years?  I mean, look at you.  You don't even have a name tag.  You've got no chance.  Why don't you just fall down? Go on son."  

I think in a short, every character needs to count.  

A lot of really descriptive action too.  Maybe not so much detail could be beneficial.  

So...this one didn't really do much for me, sorry to say.  But nice job finishing in a week.

Greg


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The boy who could fly
Posted: June 4th, 2011, 9:15pm Report to Moderator
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Not bad and fit the challenge well, some of the dialog was a bit cheesy, but that doesn't really bother me with action scripts, and I liked that there was a fair amount of action in the script. got a little bit confusing at the end. still good work on finishing a OWC and keeping it within the criteria.


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TheUsualSuspect
Posted: June 4th, 2011, 11:56pm Report to Moderator
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One word comes to my mind when I read this. Ambitious.

The problem is that it was too ambitious for me. Low budget was key and this feels like a high budget action flick.

It was clever and the use of the live action Donkey Kong was something I expected someone to write about. You delivered there.

I loved some of the corny one liners, which feel plucked out of an 80's action film. "Tails. You Lose".

Other than that, the script felt like more style over substance.

Congrats on finishing.


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rc1107
Posted: June 5th, 2011, 11:37pm Report to Moderator
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I actually did kind of like this one, although, my likeness for it did taper off around page 5 or 6.

I thought it was clever going the literal DK route, but got kind of confused at the end between John's and Damien's dialogue.  Their characters just got intertwined in my head for some reason.

It had a lot of action in it, and I liked that aspect of it (for an action script).  Otherwise, I'm not an action man in the slightest.  But I do get interested every now and then.

Budgetwise, I wouldn't call it low-budget, but I don't think it's exactly unmanagable, either, if you have somebody experienced with charges on the set, and maybe a few make-up effects with all the wounds.

I don't think this was a bad attempt at the challenge at all, though.  Definately my favorite out of the 2 that I've read so far.  :-)

- Mark


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Heretic
Posted: June 6th, 2011, 11:32pm Report to Moderator
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I read this one earlier as well but didn't really know what to make of it.

Thoughts:

A quote from The Bard comes to mind:

"Why, i' faith, methinks she's too low for a high praise, too brown for a fair praise and too little for a great praise..."

There seem to be a lot of things in this script, all of them moving in different directions.  There's definitely action -- and Donkey Kong action, at that! -- but the script seems to be written as though the main emphasis isn't on the action but everything else.  Only thing is...what is everything else?  Is it anything?  I'm not sure.

Thanks for the fun read and congrats on writing for the OWC!
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RayW
Posted: June 7th, 2011, 5:01pm Report to Moderator
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#3 Quarter -
A new game's just a quarter at the arcade, but hot-shot vet cop John Segale's here for a real-life princess. 9 pages.


Format: Perfect - Pretty Good -  Close Enough
Action:  H3ll, Yeah! - Pretty Good - Eventually - Needs More
Breakdown: One page of set up before action begins! Sweet! Page 2 through 7 is rock em' sock em' shoot em' up. Close with another page of blabbin'.

Budget Considerations:
Locations - City street, arcade interior, (vintage) straight-shot stair well,  upper floor room, spacious attic
Props - Cigarette, reporter microphone w/ faux boadcaster box thingie on it, large caliber revolver (.357 Colt Python?) , police belt w/ gear, dust, henchman's pistol, Damian's pistol, office chair, bindings and gag, oak barrel, ladder, peculiar looking grenade, desk (ugh! getting that up in the attic will be a b!tch!)
Costumes - Police uniform, John's jacket,
Actors - John, Reporter, Police Officer, Henchman, Damien, Pauline
SFX - Bad Boyz street sign, faux broadcaster logo and reporter's name overlay, wirework for flying henchman and leaping over barrel (likely some greenscreen involved at this point), slo-mo quarter effect superimposed over background, quarter imprint effect, fake blood, 2x barrel explosion effect, fires on legs, barrel throwing effects, seriously burned leg, slo-mo on grenade (more greenscreen!), special grenade explosion & metal rods (flechettes?), metal rod in foot/boot effect, chest shot effect, cheek shot effect, shot in ceiling, news camera view, flashing lights
Other - body pads for fight stunt sequences.

What I like: This was a pleasantly weird little story.
What I'd change: Not much. Since there's already a kinda cartoony feel to it maybe goose the characters up in melodrama.
How I envision this looking: Like a Nicolas Cage movie - Kinda goofy, but well executed.
Budget Guesstimate: Maybe $5k. Toughest part would be for an indie filmmaker in Anytown USA/UK/Aus to find an arcade with all of those classic arcade games. The rest could be guerrilla filmed with non-SAG and Adobe After Effected.
What I'd like to know from the writer: Why didn't you continue the short with Damian & Pauline being forced into the next game challenge level before FADE OUT?



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Electric Dreamer
Posted: June 8th, 2011, 11:10am Report to Moderator
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Cordell,

I give you style points for the quarter punch tattoo on the henchman.
It made me chuckle aloud. Kudos.
I'm a sucker for arcade consoles, but the fun backdrop is the only real highlight here.
Lots of worn out action tropes that would even make "The Last Action Hero" blush.
And what was the deal with putting the famed NY Times film critic in here?

I couldn't grasp why John and Damien were such big adversaries.
The relationship triangle was pretty incoherent.
The barrel Donkey Kong motif was pretty good, but blew the OWC budget constraint.

You definitely know how to put together a formatted script page.
I hope your next effort has a stronger narrative.

Thanks for playing, OWCs don't work without efforts like yours!

Regards,
E.D.


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Eoin
Posted: June 11th, 2011, 12:02pm Report to Moderator
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This one was interesting, a few mistakes here and there which  were easily forgivable. The story was strange, but in a good way, I liked the video game theme, I do think it needs a stronger ending for a knockout finish. Good job.
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reuel51
Posted: June 12th, 2011, 5:03pm Report to Moderator
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A fairly straightforward, classic (and expensive) action piece. The dialog seemed to indicate a lot more backstory, but you never gave it to us. So ultimately I'm taking away from this that it was action for action sake.

I feel weird saying this, but I kind of tuned-out during the stair scene. I thought the barrel exploded, so I was distracted by thinking how they continue to fight. Anyway, the quarter and punch was the highlight of this... too bad it came so soon. I don't get the ending. The reporter nonchalantly states that they were rooting for the wrong person the whole time? WTF?

Decent attempt.


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