Her Cheating Husband by Jake Wilder - Short, Action - A well to do family's idyllic existence goes straight to Hell when infidelity rears its ugly head. 12 pages  - pdf, format

I like this script.  The characters are distinct and the story is worth following.  Good ending, I think, good pace throughout.

Good setup with the wife misunderstanding the situation.  Follow through on the idea was a bit pedestrian, though.  Once Marcos arrived at the house, no real surprises or twists at all.  Felt like you ran out of pages at the end there with Freesians arriving.  Strange way to end a script like this.

Not bad.  Not groundbreaking, but this was pretty good if not a little safe.  

Del Mar Racetrack - a San Diegan/Southern Californian...or a great coincidence.

I would have liked to see some twists or some kind of thrilling aspect rather than people are cheating, hitman comes, everyone kicks each other's asses, etc etc.  This seems like the kind of story that would feature some kind of twist.

I did like this though.  Well written, flowed nicely.

Good job.

Greg

I liked this one. Whoever wrote this did a great job for just five days.

The set-up was great. It would have been even better if we learned about the misunderstanding later on though rather than midway through. You should've let us think Sebastian and Piper were actually cheating for a little bit longer.

The ending felt a little abrubt and without proper conclusion.

Other than that, GREAT work!!

HER CHEATING HUSBAND

ACTION:     Yes
BUDGET:     No – cars, mansion, horse track shots

Interesting to see everyone’s creativity at work. A horse named Her Cheating Husband. Odd but no odder than the real names. Generic plot but executed well a little tightening needed. Another twist was needed besides the wife’s misunderstanding. Ending scene was anticlimatic.

Here’s some examples of tightening:

MARCOS
I'll be damned...how apropos

MARCOS
Let's go with $500 to win on the
seven horse, Her Cheating Husband.
I've got a hunch.

She pushes his hand away, stops his advances

Well written and set up, with interesting characters even, but light on the action.

Chandra's a real bitch!

Interesting turn in the middle reveal, as I didn't see that coming (with Chandra being the cheater and Sebastian and Piper actually innocent, at least I'm pretty sure they're innocent, right?).

From there, I expected a bloodbath that wasn't going to go very well for Sebastian and Piper.  Or I thought the son would save the day, also get killed, or maybe Chandra would somehow get killed as well.  Since none of the above actually happened, maybe that's the twist, or anti-twist?

Whatever it was or wasn't, it didn't go the way I assumed it would, so I guess that's a positive.

Pretty good effort, just needs some more action early on, IMO.

Well written, and good stuff!  (That makes three scripts so far that I've seriously enjoyed for this OWC.)  

I especially like that the audience isn't clued into the twist immediately, either, and starts out assuming that Sebastian and Piper are cheating.

Kudos!

This is an extremely well written piece. It has a place for everything and everything in its place.

It will probably prove itself to be one of the best.

Sandra

Quoted from Ryan1   Felt like you ran out of pages at the end there with Freesians arriving.  Strange way to end a script like this.

I thought ending the script this way was perfect with a punch. We're left with

Where's the party? And a splendid entrance by this couple that hasn't got a clue.

A very strong ending.

Sandra

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. I thought ending the script this way was perfect with a punch. We're left with Where's the party? And a splendid entrance by this couple that hasn't got a clue. A very strong ending. Sandra

I'd have to disagree with you on that one, Sandra.  That final image of the clueless couple strolling in gave a comic ending to what was an intense climax.  We go from Chandra saying this:

CHANDRA
Your bitch slut girlfriend has been
fucking him.  They both need to die.
Get away from him.

To these two people we've never met before walking in with an expensive tequila bottle.  It just didn't fit.  To me, that completely ruined the dark, sinister tone this piece had throughout.

I was hooked on this piece, great job and probably my favourite entry.

Didn't like the ending. I think you need a reaction shot from everyone else in the house to make it end like that. Right now it ends odd.

Good job though.

Quoted from Ryan1 I'd have to disagree with you on that one, Sandra.  That final image of the clueless couple strolling in gave a comic ending to what was an intense climax.  We go from Chandra saying this: CHANDRA Your bitch slut girlfriend has been fucking him.  They both need to die. Get away from him. To these two people we've never met before walking in with an expensive tequila bottle.  It just didn't fit.  To me, that completely ruined the dark, sinister tone this piece had throughout.

I think that Ryan, as usual, you've expressed yourself in a very compelling way and yes, the first choice of ending would really "knock" or should I say "pull" (in a sort of undercurrent) the viewer into the point of view of the couple, coming in blind so to speak.

It would be nice to see other people's opinions on this.

While I don't think it would ruin the darkness of the piece, I do agree, it would spin people's heads around. This is one of those choices that is, well, one of those choices.

Sandra

Personally, I did not have a problem with the last line, but I wouldn't really call that "the ending".

It is a bit different in tone, but for me, it actually worked, as I kinda laughed when I read it.  It reminded me that there was a big celebration planned, and brought in a sense of reality, almost...or maybe attention to detail.

I did like this script, but I wish there was more action early on.

Just because i think i know who wrote this, I'm gonna be a Balt and say "Double space your slugs!" I actually am a fan of it.

I felt Seastian's reflection in the mirror was an odd time for him to say "I can't wait to see you my son." - Would have liked to see him reflect on something in Randy's room or a picture of him somewhere.

I thought Milos' ten flying lobsters off the tray was a bit comical for a script, to at least this point, felt very real. Of the three i read, I think this is probably my fave. Nice red herring making us think Randy's girl was Sebastian's hooker.

This is a good story, but needs more pages to be stout. I know the limits of OWC, but I think this one is worth a rewrite after its done. Good entry...

James