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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    June 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  Denied - June 2011 OWC
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  Author    Denied - June 2011 OWC  (currently 2836 views)
Eoin
Posted: June 11th, 2011, 8:40pm Report to Moderator
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Not a bad effort but a little disappointing with the two main story plots you took, the story told through the eyes of a child and the muddied twist at the end. The boyhood memory really limited the type of action story you were able to tell. I'd nearly hazard a guess and say this was inspired by personal experience. I think the plot was sorta too cute by half. You need to make the twist at the end very clear, it's our first time reading the story.
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Hugh Hoyland
Posted: June 13th, 2011, 8:25am Report to Moderator
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Ok read this one.

The visuals with the kids shooting things up was easy enough to picture actually. Easy to shoot I would think.

The ending had a twist for sure. A really sharp twist actually! Kinda hard to digest at first but it works out ok with me.

Nice job!


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leitskev
Posted: June 14th, 2011, 1:01pm Report to Moderator
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This story may require further thought and another look in a couple of days. And it's worth that effort, because this has the potential of being a truly original short.

I knew something twisty was coming, but I didn't expect that. In hindsight, there was some foreshadow in the opening line, when you hammered the blue sky and the birds, and even the constant emphasis on the color of the nerf darts. I was wondering why you did that when I read it, and then it made sense with the twist.

I guess the thing to consider most is the effect of going from childhood playful to suddenly dark and tragic. Since it is the shock effect you were looking for, I would say it works, and works well. I think some things need to be tightened, since something like this needs to be flawless, but if you are able to smoothen this out, I think this would actually be my choice for best OWC short, though there's a few I have not read yet.

This reminds of Willy Wonka in reverse. In WW, you have a dark, grimy, bleak world, and then suddenly you enter the chocolate factory, which is color and light and dreams. In this story, we have a blue sky, multicolored nerf bullets, and light hearted mayhem, and then all of a sudden we're thrust into a dark, nightmare world. The protag has the means of retreating to the world of color when he needs to.

I've said in other places that IMO what you want with a short is to leave a powerful impression. An image, a thought, or a feeling. In this case you left a powerful image, one potentially very memorable if done right in film. Another nice aspect to it is the transition with the police car. The audience half expects them to fire with nerf guns. But they don't. Then's when the dream turns to a nightmare, and it's very effective. When this OWC is long gone and forgotten, this will probably be the only story I remember. And that's what a short is supposed to do.

With some fine tuning, this short would be strongly considered for my short H of F, if I still had one. Very nice work, and I admire the boldness.
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