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Haha, good title. This was written fairly well, although you had some typos and missing puncuation. I'm just gonna go ahead and award you the F-Bomb prize for this owc.
Seems like you forgot to include a word here after "tried". Meditation, maybe?
JACK Have you tried, I hear it works miracles, I haven’t tried it myself, not really a zen kinda guy.
The story itself was pretty generic. Tough guy getting revenge on mobster for death of brother. Was hoping for a twist at the end there, like maybe Henry was alive after all and was in on it with Martin.
Not too bad for a shoot em up. Other possible tag lines for the ending:
"I'll get good money for this on the chinese black market." "Kill my brother? C'mon, man, have a heart." "Hey, I see some hardening of the arteries here. You should work out more."
Just a few. I have more. Good job on crankin' this out for the owc.
Adding fuck to every piece of dialogue gets old after the first dialogue. If someone is running through a crowd he’s going to keep his words short, chopped not complete F enhanced sentences.
The first scene did not need to be told out of sequence. Not all scripts have to start with a running man.
The motivation in this one is good: Jack’s brother is killed but no time is spent on it.
The clichés were rampant in this one: GOONS, a torturer who is killed by the prisoner, the prisoner kills everyone and a grisly heartless payback for Martin.
Thank you of sharing your vision of low budget action.
Hello, Danny. I've just read your script and here are my thoughts.
I could easily see an expanded version of this sequence as part of a full-length screenplay but, on its own, I'm afraid I didn't find the story as compelling as it could have been. The basic premise is sound but there was little done to make me feel sympathetic for Jack or want to see him get his revenge.
I personally felt the excessive foul language detracted from the dialogue and lessened my enjoyment. I've found swearing works best when used sparingly to emphasize specific dialogue. The obscenities were so abundant, I felt less like the characters were tough as nails and more like they didn't have anything witty or interesting to say.
I'll also have to echo grademan's post and say the opening scene is unnecessary. In fact, I think starting with Ringo punching Jack would better kick off the story.
I hope this response helps, Danny, and good luck with your script.
Entertainingly written, though it didn't bring anything new to the table that we haven't seen before...except the ending. I did like that ending because it was so ridiculous.
Characters were pretty routine. Would have liked more development with that.
Pretty good low budget action and the raw vulgarity I think upped the tension of the situation.
I've seen this one before, but I did like it. Just would have liked it more if it went a little deeper.
What's going on here? The first two scripts I open for this OWC and I need to hit close in under a few short seconds?
EXT. CITY STREET - DAY
JACK, late twenties, runs frantically down a city street. His face is bruised, his white T-Shirt and blue jeans are splattered with blood. He has a revolver in his hands.
He pushes pedestrians out of his way.
JACK Fucking move!
An elderly lady falls to the the concrete sidewalk, her face hits the concrete sidewalk, false teeth fall out of the old bats mouth.
JACK Get the fuck outta my way.
*First off, lose "runs frantically down".
What really bothered me is the writer's desire to write
"old bats mouth"
It shows a lack of respect from the writer. It's not coming from a character, but is the black stuff in the action. I don't get that kind of thing. If said elderly lady is first portrayed as an unlikable character, then it's fair to write "old bat", I think, but here it doesn't jive for me.
Lots of swearing in this one, which felt excessive.
I would give names to GOON #1 & GOON #2. They have way too much dialogue to go nameless. If this were a comedy, I'd let it slide, but your story is pretty serious here.
The story has been told before numerous times, this one brought nothing new to the table, despite being a fast and easy read.
Best part was the abrupt ending.
Feels like it could be turned into a feature. I would suggest the writer pursue that.
Looks like some words got lost in an edit; page 3, probably should be "have you tried Zen" or "have you tried meditation", maybe, and on page 9 Jack looks across something that is unnamed. Also, on page 3, I think the line should be "what the fuck did he take", if I correctly recall the dialect.
This script starts with violence and manages to maintain the momentum throughout, except, I think for the description of the woman that falls and has her teeth knocked out; having her described as an old bat transfers some of the manic anger away from Jack, and that was a bit of a distraction.
Jack is a memorable character, that's no small achievement.
As mentioned earlier, it's a huge red flag when you can't write an 8 word logline, without so many mistakes. You're missing apostrophes and periods here and it reads horrendously. If this was on a movie poster on separate lines, fine, but it's not...it's the first thing we see before we even open your script and you need to care enough to fix mistakes before posting.
You don't want to repeat your Slug in your opening sentence...it's a waste.
Wow, your opening doesn't read well at all. "old bats"? First of all missing an apostrophe (like your logline), but more importantly, it sends a message of what the writer is like. Why would you choose to describe an innocent "elderly lady" that's just been knocked over, and had her face smash against the concrete sidewalk, as an "old bat"? I'm seriously considering stopping the read right here, based on that alone. I'm literally shocked and appalled.
The dialogue is atrocious, and missing so much punctuation. Sounds like a 14 year old kid is writing this based on watching some R rated movies when his parents are in bed asleep. Totally unbelievable.
Again, the dialogue is so completely juvenile, it's shocking. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy swearing. I enjoy swearing in scripts and in movies, but like everything, there's a line that makes it over the top ridiculous, and you've already managed to cross it by Page 3.
Oh boy, now we've got the goons as well.
I'm sorry, but this reads like a pisser, actually. The fight scene is comical. This line made me laugh,
"Martin picks up Jack by his hair, then punches his nose." - I'm sorry, but c'mon now..."punches his nose"? Damn, that's funny...sorry...
This doesn't work at all, sorry to say. I guess the effort is there, but it literally seems like you watched a few cheesy movies, and glued together a few scenes from them, wrote dialogue with every other word being "fuck" or the like, and thought you had an action script.
Well, I guess you do have an action script...it's just not a good action script. You need to understand/learn that when you go over the edge with something (violence, swearing, sex, whatever), the effect isn't what you intend...it's the opposite, as it comes off like a joke or parody.
Page 1: Hahaha. Very distinct voice, this writer has.
Page 3: I was just thinkin'...you know what would be a neat "twist" in one of these types of stories? If instead of calling it "merchandise" or "shit" or whatever, we just knew exactly what it was off the top.
Page 4: Little nitpick here because this happens in movies so often. He pulls this clever move on Ringo...why didn't he do that much, much earlier? Like, when he was first tied up? Just need to mention something that distracts Ringo for a moment, I think.
Page 5: And why's it always a British guy? Hahah. The Goon shtick is good. Funny.
Thoughts:
I mentioned the good logline. Accurate, too.
Not much to say with this one. It is what it is. I'm glad that it's a flat-out, real action script. Less of those than I was expecting. It's also nice and low budget and not serious. I would have pushed the comedy further, personally. Added some flair here and there. I'm not sure what.
Good job though, fit the challenge the best of the ones I've read so far, I think.
Thanks for the fun read and congrats on writing for the OWC!
#9 Heartless - Jacks bad, Jacks mad, Jacks out for blood. 9 pages.
Format: Perfect - Good - Close Enough Notes: Pg 1 are there other pedestrians in the street? There's really no benefit to this asynchronous beginning. Pg 2, you're using Off Screen (O.S.) for Voice Over (V.O.). Pg 4 love that magic bolt up! Pg 6, WTF Martin drop his gun for? I hate that sh!t! Pg 7 Jack's an idiot. Pg 8 preposterous chest stab - and - sawing with glass shard - bare handed. OMFG! Action:H3ll, Yeah! - Pretty Good - Eventually - Needs More Breakdown: Pages 1 through 8.5 rock em' sock em' action. Nice!
Budget Considerations: Locations - City street, warehouse, mansion w/ gate exterior & interior, Props - Fake blood, S&W 686 revolver, dentures, bindings, chair, false tooth, cigarette + lighter, keypad gate entry, Martin's pistol, Remington 870 MCS shotguns x2, candy glass table top x3, heart Costumes - T-shirt & blue jeans, guard uniform, goon outfits x 2 Vehicles - Car, Actors - Jack, Extras for street, Elderly lady, Ringo, Martin, Henry, Man at Car, Guard, Goon 1 + 2, SFX - Greenscreen gut impale with chair legs, guard's face shot, shot through glass, goon 1 head shot + spatter effect, goon 2 throat shot effect, rip heart out of chest practical and greenscreen combo. Other - Make up artist for bruised face, stunt crash pads for falls and fighting, probably should have a fight stunt coordinator,
Budget Guesstimate: Probably $2k to $8k, and above. Doable on an indie budget w/ non-SAG, especially one that likes to build practical effects for gory stuff. The only other thing that would start cranking up the expenses would be above the line expenses. What I like: Unnecessary hammer cocking always turns me on. Martin Butterfingers stands only yards/meters away while Jack, the pro-muscle, has got the bead on him - but still he finds it necessary to cock the hammer. You know, just in case Jack can't hold his shot steady at that range. What I'd change: I dunno. There's a pretty consistent preposterous, cartoon action going on here. Honestly - (seriously!) - pretty much leave it alone. Really. Nah, I'd have Jack running down the sidewalk instead of down the street. There. Fixed it all, right as rain. How I envision this looking: Like an up and coming Steven Seagal or Chuck Norris wannabe production. Sylvester Stallone, even. It certainly ain't no Tony Scott kinda film. Maybe one of these R directors would wanna take a crack at a feature like this: What I'd like to know from the writer: What films inspired this piece?
I actually thought there would be more scripts that went very over the top, like this, with the "action" genre. This almost feels like an SNL-type parody with the use of so many cliches. I had a hard time taking anything in this serious. The younger brother sounded like he was 9 years old, I was shocked to find out he was ten years older than that.
The sawing out the heart with a shard of glass was memorable though.
Decent pacing kept me reading the worn out premise. Despite a smorgasbord of grammar snafus, I still got through the pages.
You have a distinct voice on the page, kudos there. It didn't resonate with me, but I'm sure it will work for some folks. Your action description sounded like one of your characters wrote it. It was a bit confusing at times, but I stuck with it.
It was definitely on like Donkey Kong. Not exactly small budget, but no helicopters either. Not a bad effort, despite the aforementioned errors.
Thanks for playing, OWCs don't work without effort like yours!
Regards, E.D.
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
MARTIN (O.S) We have your little brother Jack, and I will put a bullet in his fucking head if you don�t fucking tell me where my fucking shit is right fucking now!
JACK You fucking c**ksucker, I�ll rip your fucking heart out if you lay one fucking finger on him. This is between you and me!
Okay. Do me a huge favor, and read those two bits of dialog to yourself the way you want them to sound...with the right cadence and without hesitation. No goof ups or snickers. If you stumble, you have used one too many f-bombs. You might as well have written this :
A proper copper coffee pot.
Point is that you think you're using it for shock value, but what you wind up doing is taking an actor and making them speak the equal to a tounge twister. One or two bits of profanity is one thing. Having 3-4 F bombs combined with c-suckers is, pardon the evil pun, a mouthful to say. Also keep in mind these two things: it isn't the fact that some people may or may not be offended by the profanity, although that could be the case. It is the fact that it can get tiring to read and/or hear if that's the extent of every character's limited vocabulary. The effect is you can't tell who's talking anymore. Adding Thug #1 and #2 and it becomes that more generic. (Also, during some action, Thug #2 reads "thug #2")
Second, while a short script might not be on the ame plane as a feature, you have to consider marketing the script as well.
I, too, had a slight problem with the old bat on page one. It's actually a description that isn't needed. For (dark comedy) effect, all you need is the false teeth falling out. It's cheap as chicken nuggets, but that's all you need.
Some nice action though. I would cut the last line though. You describe it in action; the character doesn't need to be OTN with it.
A few mistakes here and there - first page, the revolver would surely be in just one hand, not two if he's running? Old bat - writer is English or from down under I'm guessing, but then cell phone is used which is curious or maybe deliberate? Lots of bad language, which is okay but just a little over the top.
By page 2 the dialouge is too on the nose and pure exposition. 'Have you tried . . .' has he tired what? Impaling a guy with a chair? Is it made from oversized knitting needles? Then it smashes apart? What kind of chairs do you sit on?
The dialouge between the man getting car jacked doesn't serve any purpose. Either cut it or use it as a play on Jacks name in the exchange, 'Hi Jack'.
The word large is redundant before mansion, as a manison by definition is large. same with gate. The exchange between the Goons doesn't advance the story, it's just padding. Things have been elevated to cartoon status now. Martin and Jacks exchange before Jack pulls the trigger? Not buying it.
Stabbing a guy in the chest with a shard of glass then sawing it open? The skin on his hands must be like leather and how does go through the chest cavity with a piece of sharp glass?
This was a stab an action script with a piece of glass that had too many flaws in logic to work for me.
I kept waiting for something funny to happen. I thought it was going to be a toungue-in-cheek story the way that the descriptions read and from the outrageous dialogue. But nothing funny ever came, so I guess I was supposed to take this one seriously. Oops.
The action's there. The story's not. I just didn't like any of the characters. I know that characters don't have to be liked, but in this instance, there just wasn't anything for me to care about what was going on. Probably because I was waiting for that laugh to come. That funny twist that would make up for the cardboard characters and more-than-raunchy dialogue.
writing: some problems, but seemed due to being rushed at a few points. At times the dialogue flowed very nicely, seemed very natural. At other times it really stuck out as something people would not say. Overall, my impression is the writer can be effective with dialogue, and the problems here were caused by time limitation. I think the word Zen was missing from one line, and we had to fill in the blank. Not even sure if I filled it correctly.
action: IMO that's probably a strong point for the writer, possibly something he enjoys too.
story: as with most of these OWC action based shorts, this was a problem. I believe in a short you want to leave the audience with one powerful impression An emotion, an image, a thought. There's nothing in this story that the audience will remember it by. The protag, Jack, is not someone we sympathize with. He remorselessly runs over old ladies, steals from his employers, is disloyal to those that hired him, and lies about it. He loves his little brother, great.
There was no twist here. No character arc. No unique, lasting image. And since we don't care about the characters, no emotion. You don't need all of these things, but you need at least one of them.
But, I do think the writer shows plenty of game. The problems I mentioned above seemed to be a common issue with this action based OWC. And action movies are certainly the most marketable, so a lot to be optimistic about here.
Thanks everyone for the read an comments. I got this done in about thirty minutes on the Due date, looking back there are many changes i would make, some have been pointed out, except for the "old bat's" line I would never change that!
I wish I had some time to go over it before, but I never did, seems to happen with me with the owc, i don't get an idea till the day it's due, oh well.
So it's been a while since I checked out an OWC, but I thought I'd give this one a read because, well, it's just so darn short.
Basically, I liked it. It's just simple goofy, bloody fun. Nothing more, nothing less. I don't think I can add anything that hasn't been said by other reviews, so I'll just say that it gave me a few minutes of entertainment. And that's basically what a script like this is for, so that's a win in my book.
Well done, Jordan!
I can't live the buttoned-down life like you. I want it all. The dizzying highs, the terrifying lows, the creamy middles. Sure, I may offend some of the blue bloods with my cocky stride and musky odors. Oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called "city fathers," who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards and talk about what's to be done with this Homer Simpson?
I think everyone should know what to expect when the elderly woman is violently shoved onto the sidewalk, breaking her false teeth. Anyone else either has unrealistic expectations or needs to change their perspective.
This was a fun read. It reminded me of Troma in the sense that everyone in this world is just a massive dick. The number of expletives inserted into the dialogue forfeits realism completely but there was something methodical about it and in the end, it enhanced the "massive dick-ness" of the whole thing.
Overall, the excessive violence and vulgarity made me laugh (in a good way) and the ending was all too appropriate, taking a menacing figure of speech and making it literal. It's ghastly, hilarious and just flat out ridiculous all at the same time - executed with a shard of glass that most certainly would've broken midway, no less.
Too vulgar, mean-spirited and excessive to be taken seriously but certainly entertaining.
Looking back now after a couple of weeks I think I should have made it more hard core, i think if i made it nastier it would be more clear on what i wanted to do, but i didn't quite get there, but i think the main tone got across.
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Author
Heartless - June 2011 OWC
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I would never change that!
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