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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    June 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  Broken Teeth - June 2011 OWC
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  Author    Broken Teeth - June 2011 OWC  (currently 3436 views)
dkfrizzell
Posted: June 7th, 2011, 4:24pm Report to Moderator
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Solid and very well written.  However, I really didn't like any of the characters.. or the story for that matter. To me it felt like a really good writer tried to spice up a really bland story.  Needs more garlic.

Although, a world with two less dentists in it is OK by me :-ž


"You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know... morons." - Blazing Saddles - Jim AKA The Waco Kid


1 completed, 2 more under construction:
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B.C.
Posted: June 7th, 2011, 4:39pm Report to Moderator
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I really enjoyed this one. The first conversation between the duelling dentists does go on for too long. However, the comic timing of the action sequence was very well done. I laughed out loud, and thats rare. So thanks.

The fact that they are actually having an affair works, and for me, would have been the appropriate ending.

Yes, the wife turning up with a gun is a bit too conveniant.

However, the writing is pretty flawless, even more impressive considering the one week timeframe. Good work.
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RayW
Posted: June 7th, 2011, 5:52pm Report to Moderator
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#10 Broken Teeth -
An argument between two dentists escalates beyond control. 11 pages.


Format: Perfect - Good -  Close Enough
Notes: Pg 1 Dentists usually don't have nurses, they have hygienists. Pg8 reveal - VERY FUNNY! Pg 10 Double twist! Very nicely done! Just after quitting time and it's night already. Must be winter.
Action: H3ll, Yeah! - Pretty Good - Eventually - Needs More
Breakdown: Decent enough fist fighting action, like James Bond goes domestic, or something. It's somewhere between goofy and less than epic. How's that?

Budget Considerations:
Locations -
Medical office building exterior + interior,
Props -  Wooden sign w/ posts, patient file, pen, desktop 5x7 photo of Arnold + Louise + frame, kid's ceramic thing, large framed faux diploma, light box, fake blood, broken teeth, metal tray, small surgical tools kit, syringe w/ needle, Walther PPK 380
Costumes - Lab coat x2, hygenist scrubs + name tags
Vehicles - None
Actors - Arnold, Grant, Sabrina, Louise
SFX - Rolling laser smash into mouth (greenscreen), stab to Grant's head, syringe stab to neck
Other - body pads for stunt fighting, drywall damage/repair, wirework for kick, either make up teeth missing or paint out in post

Budget Guesstimate:  Maybe $1k? It's mostly above the line expenses here that'll cost you. That and getting permission to tear up a dentist's office. Ha! Otherwise, definitely indie + non-SAG territory.
What I like: It's kinda silly. It just kinda escalates from silly to gruesome.  Nice, simple use of only four cast members and a single setting.
What I'd change: I dunno. I'm having a hard time reconciling the Nickelodeon kid sit-com aspects with the HBO Sopranos aspects
How I envision this looking: Tony Soprano plays dentist? I dunno. Sorry. The piece is nice, I just don't know what to do with it.
What I'd like to know from the writer: Think James Gandolfini would make a nice Arnold?  LOL!



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Hugh Hoyland
Posted: June 8th, 2011, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
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Ok got this one down.

No spelling or grammer mistakes that I noticed.

Story was solid. Straight to the point and the action has a good pace as well.

Nice ending.

Overall a pretty darn good short!


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Electric Dreamer
Posted: June 10th, 2011, 9:56am Report to Moderator
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Max,

This one fulfills the OWC theme the best overall so far.
It's rivals for sure and a fairly low budget affair. Kudos.

Grant's wild logic gaps are covered up by some fairly slick pages.
It's a nice twist that Grant guessed right, which explains Arnold's quick temper.
Going from room to room got a little stale, but still solid execution with the fight.

I didn't care about the characters, it was your execution that kept me reading.
And the wife with a bullet trifecta ending sabotaged your effort.
It was one twist too many for me.
One of the most solid efforts so far.

Thanks for playing, OWCs only work with effort like yours.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

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Eoin
Posted: June 11th, 2011, 6:04pm Report to Moderator
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This was one of my favourites so far, story was great, nice game of bluff, everything finished up nicely in the world you created. The action was also very gritty, especially for dentists! There was alot of research done on this or written by someone who either knows or works in this area. Nicely written and out together. Big Thumbs up.
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rc1107
Posted: June 11th, 2011, 11:06pm Report to Moderator
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This one was good, but a few lapses in logic stopped this one from being great, like Grant killing Arnold and thinking everything was going to go his way afterwards, then Arnold going apeshit simply because his frame got broken.

I was actually rooting for Arnold in the beginning, because I thought he was a pretty innocent guy and was trying to let down a horrible worker gently.  I didn't think he was an asshole at all at the beginning, and I think that's what made the twist so good is that we finally see he is a jerk.  I think him being an asshole was unexpected up til that point.

Don't exactly know how cheap of a budget it would be, because it seems some equipment and plaster walls would get destroyed, but maybe...

The action was fighting action, and that's low budget in itself, and still put something exciting to see on the screen.

So, this was good, but some things get in the way of it being great.

- Mark


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Ryan1
Posted: June 14th, 2011, 6:43pm Report to Moderator
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Well, thank you all for reading, reviewing and voting.  

Jeff, you hit the nail on the head when you said this was written Friday night in a rush.  Precisely correct.  All week, I had nothing for this owc.  Nada.  Then with two hours left before the deadline, I just thought "what would be one of the most unlikely places to stage a knockdown, dragout slobberknocker?"  Dentist's office, naturally.

In the first version, both guys were nebbishy Woody Allen types.  Problem is, the story came off as pure camp, and when I looked back at Don's original post, he said that was off limits.  So I went back, changed one of the dentists to a younger, more physically capable dude.  The twist at the end with Louise the wife was an absolute last minute decision.  I already had Sabrina the nurse give Grant the shot of Demerol after revealing she was having the affair with Arnold.  It just felt like a loose ending without any real kick in the guts.  So I added Louise.  I just thought...Louise suspected them of an affair all this time and happened to show up at the right time.  But I didn't have any time to go back and write in any foreshadowing, so that ending does sorta come outta left field.  

I wish I wrote this out on Thursday and could have had time to go back on Friday and iron out the dialogue and various lapses in logic that people have pointed out.  Anyway, I did have fun writing out that fight scene.
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