Hey guys. I do a radio show with a mate every Sunday. We focus on music, but I like to put a few bits of comedy in there too.

Every week I write a complaint letter, complaining about something stupid. Last week I wrote a letter to Michael Bay, and read it on air. My co host said he didn't find it funny, and that is maybe because it's not, but hopefully some writers might find it slightly amusing, as I do.

Here is it:

Dear Michael Bay,

My name is Tom, and three months ago I sent you a screenplay I wrote. If you remember correctly it was a pilot for a sitcom titled Girls, Bells and Curls. The story was focussed on a family and their relationships with each other. The main characters were the rebel daughter, the socially inept but hilarious father, and the stereotypical housewife mother. It is side-splittingly funny.

I believe Girls, Bells and Curls is the best thing I have written, and I am complaining to you because you have not made it yet. I know you usually focus on blowing stuff up, for example in your recent success of Transformers, but I thought a sitcom would be a perfect opportunity for you to sit back, and focus on story structure and character development.

Mr Bay, if you do not make my sitcom in the next 2 months, I will be forced to send the screenplay to my second choice, Quentin Tarantino who will undeniably get it produced and Girls, Bells and Curls will become the most successful sitcom of its time.

Mr Bay, you have 2 months. Goodbye.

P.S. Would you be interested in producing a stage play based on the works of Shakespeare? Call me.

Tom Pascal.

Thoughts anyone?

Is your friend not a screenwriter or a filmmaker.  I can understand why he wouldn't find it amusing if he is not part of either of these communities.  Personally, I didn't find it LOL funny but it made me smile.

He isn't a screenwriter or a filmmaker, no. That probably means the general public wouldn't have found it very amusing either.

Glad I made you smile Michael.

It's a bit topical for writers; perhaps if you'd been looking to Mr. Bay to help spice up Girls and Curls by adding multiple explosions for no apparent reason, kitchen appliances that turn into killer robots (again, for no apparent reason) and of course, adding Megan Fox running scantily clad in slow motion. (For obvious reasons...)

Response letter to Tommy Pascal from Michael Bay...

Dear Mr. Pascal:

I was made aware of your little skit by an Australian friend of mine, and wanted to respond to you directly.

First of all, I appreciate any and all exposure I can get, not that I need it, though.  I did not find your skit funny in any way.  If this is the kind of humor you infuse into your scripts, it's no wonder why you are an unproduced little piece of shit.

I have read a number of posts on Simply Scripts, and I do think there is some definte talent there.  Sorry to say, that this does not include you, you little Tasmanian horndog.

My recommendation to you is to continue drinking heavily, and bring back your weekly review of wine in a bag.  Maybe you could even get drunk on your show, to let your 3 or 4 listeners find out how long each bag takes to get one drunk.

I am enclosing 2 tickets to my Transformers movie, so you can get an idea of what real script writing and characterization is all about.

Please never use my name in public again, or I will send a goon squad to literally take your head off.

Yours lovingly,

Michael Bay

Quoted from Dreamscale Response letter to Tommy Pascal from Michael Bay... Dear Mr. Pascal: I was made aware of your little skit by an Australian friend of mine, and wanted to respond to you directly. First of all, I appreciate any and all exposure I can get, not that I need it, though.  I did not find your skit funny in any way.  If this is the kind of humor you infuse into your scripts, it's no wonder why you are an unproduced little piece of shit. I have read a number of posts on Simply Scripts, and I do think there is some definte talent there.  Sorry to say, that this does not incldue you, you little Tasmanian horndog. My recommendation to you is to continue drinking heavily, and bring back your weekly review of wine in a bag.  Maybe you could even get drunk on your show, to let your 3 or 4 listeners find out how long each bag takes to get one drunk. I am enclosing 2 tickets to my Transformers movie, so you can get an idea of what real script writing and characterization is all about. Please never use my name in public again, or I will send a goon squad to literally take your head off. Yours lovingly, Michael Bay

PS- tell your mate Jeff Bush to stop hanging around my garden in a smoking jacket, waving horror scripts in my window. Or at least tell him to start wearing undies; my maid had a heart attack this morning.

Hahaha funny stuff Jeff and Stevie.

Jeff, I would read that letter out on the show as a response from Mr Bay, but I would probably get in trouble again because of the content.

Hello Tommy,

I've made it to Prince George, but I'm back out to the cabin today where there's no sat for internet... still, I wanted to check into Simply and when I read your complaint letter I thought:

That's funny! This is the kind of thing that I think actors love to work with. I know this kind of thing has been done before, but you know what? I think that being saucy enough to write that kind of thing is exactly what some people like and are looking for.

Also, reading it gives me a little more insight into your style and I enjoy that. It just makes you all the more real on the other side of this Sony Vaio.  

Sandra