Baby Soup (revised in Final Draft) :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

John, this is Jeff, not your agent calling.

I don't want to come off as harsh or mean, but I do want to try and help a brother out.  I know this is your first script, and I know the going can be tough and confusing at first. I like to think of it kind of like a video game, where the going is always tougher until you get the hang of it, then it gets much easier.

OK?  Here goes...

Some will disagree with me, but I always recommend trying to write in actual sentences, as opposed to fragments like you start out with.  If you do want to employ a fragment style, you'll want to write in short, concise, almost choppy lines.  Your opening passage does not contain a verb, so visually, it's nothing more than what I call a shot.

Your 2nd Slug does not need the word "ESTABLISHING" in it - stay away from this kind of thing.  Also, you haven't set your scene at all here, as we have an INT scene with no description of what it looks like, and they've got a fire burning inside, which seems odd to me.  You used 2 lines and 3 sentences to intro 2 characters - you don't need this much space.

The word "fire" is what's called an orphan.  Orphans are single words that spill onto the next line and thus, waste an entire line.  They are usually the result of over writing or just unnecessary words used in the sentence.  Be on the lookout for these redheaded stepchildren and try and do away with them.

"Bob brushes something..." - a wasted line and also "this" should be "his" I assume.

In your 2nd dialogue line, you have the first of 6 wrylies - none of these are necessary and all are frowned on.  The dialogue itself IMO, is not good, as it almost has a silly feel to it, and I don't think silly is what you're after here.

Then we have the first of 7 V.O.'s - what's up with all the internal talking going on?  You really want to stay away from this as much as possible.  It's irritating in a film and really just works as exposition usually.  Your V.O.'s all seem like complete wastes of space here and again, they come off as silly and goofy, IMO.

Your next Slug is incorrect.  No reason to to use "SAME" or "(CONT.)".  Also, it's the exact same place, based on your Slug, when in reality, it's not.  You have to write your Slugs properly, so we know exactly where we are.

Less detailed now - you have lots and lots of unfilmables in here.  Unfilmables are lines that do not translate to film - like "Davis prefers..."  We'd never know what he prefers.  Personally, I prefer and play the Cleveland Black Pearl 56 degree wedge, but it's too short for me to use as a cane.

Your intercut is all wrong here, IMO.  I'm against using intercuts period, but the only way they really are ever going to work is with a phone conversation type scene.  No reason to attempt an intercut here.

The conversation exchange that follows is again downright silly and does not fit this tone you have here.

On Page 4, you have Nelda speaking twice in a row, which is a mistake, as well as Davis doing the same thing a few line later.

OK, enough of that, hopefully it helps a bit.

Story-wise, I don't know why you'd write and post the 3rd part first, as it makes it much harder to follow.  Also, this entire 5 pages plays out like 1,000's of scripts and movies, with really nothing new at all, other than the Cleveland 56 degree wedge.

Finally, your closing line is a real head scratcher.  Why would you write about rolling the credits and include an exact song and even call it "seemingly inappropriate"?  And why is this in the form of a Slug?  No...get rid of it!

Hey, we all start somewhere and as others have told you, you've come to the best place to learn.  My advice is to read scripts here from active members.  Give feedback.  Read other feedback.  See how opinions differ.  Figure out what works for you and what doesn't...and why.  It will all start to make sense and before you know it, instead of this asshole named Jeff calling, your agent will be calling.

Best of luck, bro. You're off to a good start.