OK, here it is revised and freshly formatted in Final Draft. Very Short. TIA, John

Baby Soup and The Story Of Davis, Episode #3, The Lean Times
Dramatic Series - The remnants of humanity struggle to survive The Lean Times which follow an apocalyptic Event.

http://dl.dropbox.com/u/104605214/Baby%20Soup%20and%20The%20Story%20Of%20Davis.pdf

At the sage advice of larger voices who are sending me links to PRO-QUALITY spec scripts, I will now retreat to my fortress of solitude to read them when they arrive.

John

Interesting story, although I'm curious now as to what the "event" was.   Got a misplaced "beat" pg. 1, Bob's name mentioned twice, pg. 2, and frankly the title is annoying.  Seems you could come up with something better, but that's just my opinion.  

All in all, a quick and effective read.

Hi XL,

Not to be snarky -- you seem a very nice guy and I realize that you are still finding your way aound -- but it seems everywhere I look I am finding threads about your Baby Soup script.

When I look at the portal (have you tried that button yet, on the upper-right?) I see several.

In the future, please try to keep stuff like this housed on one thread instead of starting a new thread for each update.

The alternative is anarchy.  And nobody wants that.  Except maybe Jeff.  But he doesn't count.

Or better yet, submit your work to Don and get a thread on the main boards where you will get a lot more traffic.

Thanks in advance.  Cheers and welcome to the boards.

Bert, you crack me up.  Of all the peeps who would want anarchy, I am not 1 of them.

I believe that everything should be in its proper place - and sometimes, I feel obligated to put them there!  Ha!  

M.Alexander,

Baby Soup is a single episode which is part of a larger project.

The whole thing is THE LEAN TIMES and this is divided into three parts;  (1) The Event, (2) After The Event  and the conclusion of the series, (3) New Hopes, New Beginnings.

Soup falls in the big fat After The Event section which is a collection of stand alone, yet inter-related stores set in locations around the world....Or so it says right here in my Synopsis.

Sorry about the double posting. I mistakenly first posted Baby Soup in the Getting To Know You section and later in Works In Progress. If you let me go this time, I promise I'll never do it again.

Is there one (proper) special place to post new scripts?

John

PS

Regarding the annoying title, this was given to me by the paranoid delusional homeless man who predicts the Event. He is the one that calls it THE LEAN TIMES. Hey, what do I know? He's the one on a first name basis with God.

You should submit your scripts here:

http://www.simplyscripts.com/submit_your_script_new.html

Only I've noticed that it's closed until the 22nd.  

Michael,

Thank you for the script submittal link.

John

Hello XL.

Part of the problem with your scattershot approach to posting is I have no idea whether I am reading the most current version or not.  I read through whatever is at the top of this thread and will toss out a couple of stray thoughts.

First, you are beating the heck out of "beat", and other parentheticals.  Sparingly, if at all, is the rule for those.  Some people will tell you never.  Anyway, the more you learn, the more you will find conflicting opinions about just about any question you might think to ask.

My take is that nobody likes to be told what to do, and that includes actors.  They will find the right flow for your dialogue themselves.  Often better than you envision it yourself, so stuff your beats away unless there is a darn good reason for one.

Also -- a common rookie error here -- is this passage:

Quoted from excerpt David drags the bodies outside, digs a hole, buries both bodies in the same hole.

So how long does this take?  A half-hour?  More?  You obviously do not mean to show this entire process on film, thus, you need to be cautious of the passage of time in your descriptions.  That is what a montage or series of shots is for, or other, more clever ways to denote the passage of time.

There was really nothing wrong with the script (to me), although once Bob got whacked it held no more surprises.

It would have been nice if the exchange between Davis and Nelda ended in a different way.  The best scripts take situations like this and turn them on their ear -- delivering something totally unexpected.  Give that some thought.

Hope some of these comments help you out.  Nice to see a new guy getting involved.

Thanks Bert,

Your point is well taken I'll try to contain my Baby Soup activities to just one thread. ….Which one do you like?

To beat or not to beat? Reading a thread on this very subject right now. The angry mob is divided.

Montage to end Soup is a very good idea....

1) Davis drags the bodies outside.
2) Davis digs on big hole.
3) Davis unceremoniously kicks their bodies into the hole.
4) Davis tamps dirt covering their bodies.
5) Davis walks away into darkening skies.

As for surprises. Bob was surprised. Poor bastard didn't get no supper.

Any future comments you'd care to make, I'm anxious to hear.  

Baby Soup is just one episode in a much larger and ambitious project divided into three parts. Before killing more pixels and stinking up the place by writing addition episodes, I'd like to get this one done right.

Thanks again for your input.

John

XL,

How the heck are you?  

yeah i know it's part of a bigger piece, so fair enough... but I would prefer to start at the beginning, JMHO.  It would have been nice to see Nelda put up a little fight... atleast.

Good Luck with it,

Ghostie

Ghostwriter,

Being new to screenwriting and not knowing squat about the craft, I started with what I thought would be the easiest and shortest story. I intend to stay with this one short until we have a commercial product. I just hope the darn thing doesn't turn into a feature length film starring Bruce Willis as Davis.

Regarding the beginning, I have a treatment for that, but at present, it is beyond my limited skills.

Nelda doesn't put up a fight because she is resolved to her fate. She isn't proud of what's she's become. And at some level she must realize without sweet Bob, she's very much alone and vulnerable in a dangerous post apocalyptic world. Butchering and cooking are her only skills....Hmmmm. Perhaps I can work that into a pre-splat VO for Nelda?

Heck, I'm already including a montage for Bert and a surprise ending he didn't see coming. A swan song for Nelda would be just a little more water in the soup.

Thanks for the input. We'll give Nelda some V.O. lines so she can have that Come To Jesus Moment (also read, regret her mistakes and flesh eating ways).

John

Ghost, you didn't ask, but there are reasons why Davis is so angry and remorseless....But then, that's another story in THE LEAN TIMES.

Hi John- The story has that end of the world, everyone for themselves feel to it. Interested in reading the other two parts to your story. Best of luck- Dirk

Quoted from DV44 Hi John- The story has that end of the world, everyone for themselves feel to it. Interested in reading the other two parts to your story. Best of luck- Dirk

Log Line - THE LEAN TIMES
The remnants of humanity struggle to survive The Lean Times which follow an apocalyptic Event.

Hi John- Sorry about the review. I missed the logline entirely. My fault.

OK, Here's the Final Draft and completed story....Dark, Quirky and Now More Gritty Than Ever

"Baby Soup And The Story Of Davis," THE LEAN TIMES, Episode #3 (5 pages)
The remnants of humanity struggle to survive The Lean Times which follow an apocalyptic Event.

http://dl.dropbox.com/u/104605214/Baby%20Soup%20and%20The%20Story%20Of%20Davis.pdf

Writing Baby Soup has been a great learning experience for me and I want to express my appreciation for all the help given to me by SS members.

John

Wait! Is that my agent calling?

I seem to be running a split thread. If you let me go this time, I promise to never do it again (If I figure out how I did it this time).

John, this is Jeff, not your agent calling.

I don't want to come off as harsh or mean, but I do want to try and help a brother out.  I know this is your first script, and I know the going can be tough and confusing at first. I like to think of it kind of like a video game, where the going is always tougher until you get the hang of it, then it gets much easier.

OK?  Here goes...

Some will disagree with me, but I always recommend trying to write in actual sentences, as opposed to fragments like you start out with.  If you do want to employ a fragment style, you'll want to write in short, concise, almost choppy lines.  Your opening passage does not contain a verb, so visually, it's nothing more than what I call a shot.

Your 2nd Slug does not need the word "ESTABLISHING" in it - stay away from this kind of thing.  Also, you haven't set your scene at all here, as we have an INT scene with no description of what it looks like, and they've got a fire burning inside, which seems odd to me.  You used 2 lines and 3 sentences to intro 2 characters - you don't need this much space.

The word "fire" is what's called an orphan.  Orphans are single words that spill onto the next line and thus, waste an entire line.  They are usually the result of over writing or just unnecessary words used in the sentence.  Be on the lookout for these redheaded stepchildren and try and do away with them.

"Bob brushes something..." - a wasted line and also "this" should be "his" I assume.

In your 2nd dialogue line, you have the first of 6 wrylies - none of these are necessary and all are frowned on.  The dialogue itself IMO, is not good, as it almost has a silly feel to it, and I don't think silly is what you're after here.

Then we have the first of 7 V.O.'s - what's up with all the internal talking going on?  You really want to stay away from this as much as possible.  It's irritating in a film and really just works as exposition usually.  Your V.O.'s all seem like complete wastes of space here and again, they come off as silly and goofy, IMO.

Your next Slug is incorrect.  No reason to to use "SAME" or "(CONT.)".  Also, it's the exact same place, based on your Slug, when in reality, it's not.  You have to write your Slugs properly, so we know exactly where we are.

Less detailed now - you have lots and lots of unfilmables in here.  Unfilmables are lines that do not translate to film - like "Davis prefers..."  We'd never know what he prefers.  Personally, I prefer and play the Cleveland Black Pearl 56 degree wedge, but it's too short for me to use as a cane.

Your intercut is all wrong here, IMO.  I'm against using intercuts period, but the only way they really are ever going to work is with a phone conversation type scene.  No reason to attempt an intercut here.

The conversation exchange that follows is again downright silly and does not fit this tone you have here.

On Page 4, you have Nelda speaking twice in a row, which is a mistake, as well as Davis doing the same thing a few line later.

OK, enough of that, hopefully it helps a bit.

Story-wise, I don't know why you'd write and post the 3rd part first, as it makes it much harder to follow.  Also, this entire 5 pages plays out like 1,000's of scripts and movies, with really nothing new at all, other than the Cleveland 56 degree wedge.

Finally, your closing line is a real head scratcher.  Why would you write about rolling the credits and include an exact song and even call it "seemingly inappropriate"?  And why is this in the form of a Slug?  No...get rid of it!

Hey, we all start somewhere and as others have told you, you've come to the best place to learn.  My advice is to read scripts here from active members.  Give feedback.  Read other feedback.  See how opinions differ.  Figure out what works for you and what doesn't...and why.  It will all start to make sense and before you know it, instead of this asshole named Jeff calling, your agent will be calling.  

Best of luck, bro.  You're off to a good start.

Quoted Text Of all the peeps who would want anarchy, I am not 1 of them. I believe that everything should be in its proper place - and sometimes, I feel obligated to put them there!  Ha!

Love it! And I'll vouch for it!

Quoted from Dreamscale Bert, you crack me up.  Of all the peeps who would want anarchy, I am not 1 of them. I believe that everything should be in its proper place - and sometimes, I feel obligated to put them there!  Ha!

KING JEFF of DREAMSCALE UNFORGETTABLE FADE I can see you with a crown and scepter!

...or a pitchfork and horns...

OK, revisions have been made; directorial superimposed dropped, main location and time expanded, less wordy and easier to read (I hope).

There is only one DropBox link with one file, so any link shown here, there or anywhere should take you to Baby Soup

http://dl.dropbox.com/u/104605214/Baby%20Soup%20and%20The%20Story%20Of%20Davis.pdf


At the sage advice of a larger voice who, as we squeak, is sending me links to PRO-QUALITY spec scripts. I will now retreat to my fortress of solitude to read them when they arrive.

John