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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Discussion of...    Getting to know you, getting to know all about you...  ›  35 Screenplay Finally Filmed. Moderators: Administrator
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  Author    35 Screenplay Finally Filmed.  (currently 5263 views)
Mr. Blonde
Posted: November 1st, 2013, 1:48pm Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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I know many of you guys have had something filmed before (or at least been contacted about it) while there's always that disappointment of someone taking an interest, but it never goes beyond that point for one reason or another. Such was the case that I made a few jokes in my signature of a running count of all the unsuccessful times I'd been contacted without a film being made; 76 to be exact. Today is different.

About a month back, I was contacted by a British university student, Joshua Rayworth, who seemed really upbeat about filming 35 for a contest. Things went very smoothly as he had some suggestions for improving the script while asking me to make a couple of my own. In the film itself, he made some more changes, most of which made the script much better than the one I had originally written.

So, if you're still reading after that diatribe, here it is:



+++++
Don's edit - here is the script - http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1253405457/s-0/



Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  November 2nd, 2013, 9:07pm
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DustinBowcot
Posted: November 1st, 2013, 2:00pm Report to Moderator
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Well done, man. I'm into the seventh draft on one of my shorts and it's so much improved from the original they are now virtually different scripts. Much, much better though. It's great when you meet somebody with an eye for the story and can work together to make something great.

Nice work and good luck at the festivals. You two planning a feature next?
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DustinBowcot
Posted: November 1st, 2013, 2:06pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting. Some good camera work although I think it was a little shaky when following behind him to the stairs.... but only for a second or two, then it switched to another angle. Decent acting and the make-up was excellent.

Were you in it yourself anywhere?
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: November 1st, 2013, 2:08pm Report to Moderator
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Well done Sean,

Seems like a decent production.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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khamanna
Posted: November 1st, 2013, 2:09pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Sean, I really enjoyed it! Very nice little movie, powerful ending.

Good luck to you and your producer with it!
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: November 1st, 2013, 2:30pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DustinBowcot
Nice work and good luck at the festivals. You two planning a feature next?


I'm a big believer that unless the competition is really strong, it'll be up for cinematography and editing, for sure (if those categories are available). But, no feature on the horizon. For now, this seems like a one-time deal. But, I'd absolutely work with him again in the future.


Quoted from DustinBowcot
Interesting. Some good camera work although I think it was a little shaky when following behind him to the stairs.... but only for a second or two, then it switched to another angle. Decent acting and the make-up was excellent.

Were you in it yourself anywhere?


That was one of the things I imagined when writing was the shaky cam, documentary-type feel so I was glad when I saw that he imagined something very similar. The makeup was really good, too, I thought. I never did catch what his budget was, but he had most everything readily available. I wasn't in it, though. I live on the American side of the pond full-time.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Well done Sean,

Seems like a decent production.


Thank you, Bill, but literally all the credit goes to Joshua and his people. He asked me to make a couple changes, but the majority of the ones that improved the story were his. There was one thing I didn't particularly want changed (in the script, it was originally a high school. He changed it to college out of necessity), but all the rest were made for the better.


Quoted from khamanna
Hey, Sean, I really enjoyed it! Very nice little movie, powerful ending.

Good luck to you and your producer with it!


Thank you, Khamanna. I really enjoyed it, too. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for them. In terms of screenwriting, there wasn't a lot on display, but they put their all into it, so I'm pulling for them.


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KevinLenihan
Posted: November 1st, 2013, 2:31pm Report to Moderator
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Watched it all the way to the end. Nice work.
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alffy
Posted: November 1st, 2013, 2:50pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats, mate.  Turned out really good, Sean.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Grandma Bear
Posted: November 1st, 2013, 4:16pm Report to Moderator
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Congratulations Sean!!! And not a single word spoken either! All told with pictures. You should be very proud!  

PS. What did I tell you in that email!  


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Ledbetter
Posted: November 1st, 2013, 4:20pm Report to Moderator
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Fantastic job Sean!!!!

You should be very proud brother.

Shawn.....><
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NickSedario
Posted: November 1st, 2013, 5:45pm Report to Moderator
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While watching this I couldn't help but wonder how he killed 34 people with a six shooter.   I guess he had to reload a few times.

Other than that I wanna say good job, but public shooting sprees are such a sensitive subject & hot topic these days I'm wondering what kind of a message you're sending out.

As a writer have you thought about that?    What exactly is the message here?

I'm just curious, not judging.   I'm also guilty of senseless violence.
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Toby_E
Posted: November 1st, 2013, 5:59pm Report to Moderator
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Sean,

Firstly, congrats on getting something filmed And for it to feature no dialogue, but there still be a story? Great work on your behalf! As it has been mentioned, I thought that the production value (particularly the make up, which was brilliant) was really solid.

For the most part, I thought it was reasonably well directed as well.

The only part which I thought could have been shot better was the part where the protag comes across the dead guy on the floor, with the picture of the two. This was meant to be a really emotive part of the story, but the shot was framed so that we couldn't see the protag's face, when we really needed a close up to see how hurt he actually was about accidentally killing his brother. Because without that close up, I was actually left a little confused until I read your script and saw what was actually going on.

But a minor gripe.

Overall, solid stuff.

And those boots the protag was wearing were a monstrosity


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: November 1st, 2013, 6:31pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from KevinLenihan
Watched it all the way to the end. Nice work.


I had no part in the actual filming, but I'm sure Joshua would appreciate hearing that. But, thank you, Kevin.


Quoted from alffy
Congrats, mate.  Turned out really good, Sean.


Thank you, Alffy. I agree completely.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
Congratulations Sean!!! And not a single word spoken either! All told with pictures. You should be very proud!  

PS. What did I tell you in that email!  


Thank you, Pia. How ironic that my first script was dialogue-less and each one that followed became more and more talky? Yeah, you told me... =)


Quoted from Ledbetter
Fantastic job Sean!!!!

You should be very proud brother.

Shawn.....><


Thank you, Shawn. I am very happy, for multiple reasons. It's awesome to actually see it on film, but it also helps me visualize where I need to improve in my writing.


Quoted from NickSedario
While watching this I couldn't help but wonder how he killed 34 people with a six shooter.   I guess he had to reload a few times.

Other than that I wanna say good job, but public shooting sprees are such a sensitive subject & hot topic these days I'm wondering what kind of a message you're sending out.

As a writer have you thought about that?    What exactly is the message here?

I'm just curious, not judging.   I'm also guilty of senseless violence.


Yeah, that was a bit of a mishap. In the script, it wasn't a revolver, it was a semi-auto pistol (I had backstory written that he also came with a full-auto assault rifle and a pump action shotgun. If I had to guess (because this was filmed in Britain), Joshua may not have had a wide variety of gun props, and took what he could get.

Actually, I first wrote this in 2009 (my first ever short) as a result of feelings I had about the Virginia Tech Shooting. The only theme I had in mind when I wrote this (and yes, I thought about that, but not for very long) was what I heard on a TV broadcast after VT when a broadcaster said that the massacre could have only been done by a person with no conscience. I took offense to that, because no matter how horrible what he did was, every person had a conscience at one point. In the story, David accidentally killed his brother as the last victim of his shooting spree. He had no remorse for what he did to anyone else, but by killing his brother by accident, he decided he couldn't live with himself and decided he wanted to die. But, thank you for checking it out. I hoped you "enjoyed" it.


Quoted from Toby_E
Firstly, congrats on getting something filmed And for it to feature no dialogue, but there still be a story? Great work on your behalf! As it has been mentioned, I thought that the production value (particularly the make up, which was brilliant) was really solid.

For the most part, I thought it was reasonably well directed as well.

The only part which I thought could have been shot better was the part where the protag comes across the dead guy on the floor, with the picture of the two. This was meant to be a really emotive part of the story, but the shot was framed so that we couldn't see the protag's face, when we really needed a close up to see how hurt he actually was about accidentally killing his brother. Because without that close up, I was actually left a little confused until I read your script and saw what was actually going on.

And those boots the protag was wearing were a monstrosity


Thank you, Toby. Definitely. I was surprised myself when I first saw it. I thought for sure that there was no way he was going to be able to make a convincing school shooting scene, but I'll be damned if he didn't.

I would agree with that, that the shot could have been framed better. I almost think he was trying to keep it a bit more ambiguous as a result of the final shot (which wasn't in my original script, but I'm glad he added it). It's kind of a 50-50 where I don't think it could have gotten both effects that it needed simultaneously.

Yes, they were a monstrosity, but that's the cost of doing business, I suppose. =)


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LC
Posted: November 1st, 2013, 6:48pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats Sean.

Finally you got one filmed - you must be thrilled!

A nice pro feel to this and the SFX (bullet wounds in particular) look great.

Libby


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Forgive
Posted: November 1st, 2013, 7:31pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Sean - I took a look at this. It's quite a decent piece of work & the directors obviously working within his limits (which are quite healthy if you have lots of film-school mates).

Make-up was spot on - impressed by that, like people have said. Wasn't too sure what happened lighting-wise, but as ever, Yanks appear to do that so much better that Brits.

Two things for me: I didn't get the significance of the clock? It's in the script as well as the film. On it being his brother - I really missed that - I kinda figured there was a bit of a gay relationship going on there, until I saw your post that it was the guy's brother. Sorry.

Good on for getting something up there though; this is nicely filmed. congrats.
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: November 1st, 2013, 8:16pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats Sean!

As others have mentioned, I too thought the makeup looked great. I didn't really see any story or get any sense of the protagonist's motives, but from a purely visual perspective, I thought it looked good and progressed well.

Good job and I'm glad you got something produced.


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Guest
Posted: November 1st, 2013, 9:36pm Report to Moderator
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This is cool.  I have never had anything of mine filmed, so I can only imagine...

I'll give this a watch when I get the time.  
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Pale Yellow
Posted: November 2nd, 2013, 7:19am Report to Moderator
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SEAN......wow I love it. Love the ending. I wasn't sure why the guy did what he did but the end was enough for me....good twist. I think they did a great job with it. Some of the background music at the beginning wasn't what I'd have chosen, but man I'd be proud of this. Awesome! Thanks for sharing!

You rock man!
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razi
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Sean congrats on the script being made ... The movie could have been visually better ... But i think ur story was good... Although i had that gut feeling that he himself will be the 35th corpse...


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GlynnTurner
Posted: November 2nd, 2013, 1:36pm Report to Moderator
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Nice work Sean.  Very nice work.  I've written and directed 5 shorts and I thought this one was excellent.  

How did the director find you or did he just find this script here after looking for shorts to do?

Anyway, good job!

Best
Glynn
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: November 2nd, 2013, 5:56pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Finally you got one filmed - you must be thrilled!

A nice pro feel to this and the SFX (bullet wounds in particular) look great.


Thank you, Libby. I really am and thought the visuals were pretty damn good, too.


Quoted from Forgive
Make-up was spot on - impressed by that, like people have said. Wasn't too sure what happened lighting-wise, but as ever, Yanks appear to do that so much better that Brits.

Two things for me: I didn't get the significance of the clock? It's in the script as well as the film. On it being his brother - I really missed that - I kinda figured there was a bit of a gay relationship going on there, until I saw your post that it was the guy's brother. Sorry.

Good on for getting something up there though; this is nicely filmed. congrats.


I agree in part about the lighting. I think there can always be more (the Robert Richardson School of Over-Exposed Lighting), but in the case of this, less may be more. Hard to say.

Ah, the script issues. When I wrote it, I did a lot more backstory than actual story. In the case of the clock, David had been in contact with the police (the shooting had taken place several hours earlier) and volunteered to surrender himself at 2PM. As for their relationship, you could look at it either way. It was another thing that was more detailed in the backstory.

Thank you very much, Simon.


Quoted from Breanne Mattson
As others have mentioned, I too thought the makeup looked great. I didn't really see any story or get any sense of the protagonist's motives, but from a purely visual perspective, I thought it looked good and progressed well.

Good job and I'm glad you got something produced.


The script was designed to not hint at a motive (they're highly overrated), but I thought it moved at a good clip, too, considering how slow the actual script is.

Thank you, Breanne. =)


Quoted from Guest
This is cool.  I have never had anything of mine filmed, so I can only imagine...


It's an interesting feeling to really see how someone can interpret something in a different way than you can. It happens in books all the time, but the visual manifestation of it is very different. I can hope that you see a script of yours filmed one day, too. Hopefully you won't be waiting for 4 1/2 years. =)


Quoted from Pale Yellow
SEAN......wow I love it. Love the ending. I wasn't sure why the guy did what he did but the end was enough for me....good twist. I think they did a great job with it. Some of the background music at the beginning wasn't what I'd have chosen, but man I'd be proud of this. Awesome! Thanks for sharing!


I think the ending was my favorite part (figures that it was the only moment that wasn't in the script), too. Joshua had me listen to a really good instrumental song but it belonged to an indie musician, so a different song was composed. It was still good, but if I had the option, I'd have taken the first song. Oh, I'm extremely happy about it. Thank you, Dena.


Quoted from razi
Sean congrats on the script being made ... The movie could have been visually better ... But i think ur story was good... Although i had that gut feeling that he himself will be the 35th corpse...


Thank you, Razi. In what ways do you think it could have improved? I know of a couple myself, but it's more nitpick things. I'm glad you liked the script, even if the ending was too predictable.


Quoted from GlynnTurner
Nice work Sean.  Very nice work.  I've written and directed 5 shorts and I thought this one was excellent.  

How did the director find you or did he just find this script here after looking for shorts to do?


Thank you, Glynn, but I wasn't a part of the actual production (filming, set design, etc). The director asked my opinion on a lot of things, but it was all him and his crew. You know how difficult it is to make a short that's of a good quality, then. I've never had the pleasure and I don't believe I'd really be good at it anyway. I'm sure he'd be happy to hear that, though.

Pretty much the latter, I think. If I had to guess, he searched through unproduced shorts and found it quickly because the scripts are sorted alphabetically (the same reason why I think I've been contacted about 12 Seconds so many times. They're both right at the top).


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CoopBazinga
Posted: November 3rd, 2013, 3:22am Report to Moderator
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Congrats Sean,

Really liked it, but didn’t understand the connection between the victim and the shooter – he puts the photo in his hand so there has to be meaning, right?

I did like the music – in a non-dialogue piece, it’s important, and I really liked what they did with it.

A powerful short nonetheless – congrats again, man.
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razi
Posted: November 3rd, 2013, 8:23am Report to Moderator
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My comment about visuals had nothing to do with your writing ... It was about the way it was made ...


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CrusaderVoice
Posted: November 4th, 2013, 11:33pm Report to Moderator
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This was impressive looking. The lead looked like he hadn't slept in about a week - which added to his creepy, detached look he had.

As the lack of a "reason" for the actions by the main character... We've all asked that when one of these happens and too many times there's not a real answer or no reason at all (just Google Brenda Ann Spencer's name).

I thought it was effective and even profound without the whole story.
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: March 17th, 2014, 9:22am Report to Moderator
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Well, the director has sent me an E-mail that he'd like me to share with you guys, so here goes. He uploaded the script to a short film competition. From the looks of it, it's not a competition that's being judged so much as it's one that's a popularity contest. As a result, to win, it needs votes. So, he asked me to ask you guys if any of you would be willing to vote for it. You have to sign up on the site, but there's several ways (I signed up with E-mail myself) so whatever's easiest for you. This is where you go to sign up:

Clowdy

So, once you sign up, you have to follow six people or projects before it'll let you move on (it took me about five minutes to figure that out). Then, from there, you can vote here:

Leaderboard

If you want to pick "35", feel free, but you don't have to feel obligated. I'm doing this because he asked me to. Anyway, once you click on the little down arrow next to the script, it'll say "Vote". Then, it takes you to the script page. Once you're there, there's a little Heart and a little square thing with two arrows. If you click each of those, it'll give the script 6 points towards votes, which seems to be how the voting is done. Anyway, this isn't something that has to be done today (or used ever again, really, unless you're a filmmaker in England, which is who it's meant for) because there's about a month and a half before voting closes.

But, if you do this, he would appreciate it a lot. If you don't, at least you took the time to read this, so thank you either way.

(I'm also going to be posting this on Facebook, so don't be surprised if you see the exact same message twice.)


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