SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is February 27th, 2020, 9:44pm
Please login or register.
Was PortalRecent PostsHome Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for 2019 - 2020 award consideration
The Beginners Guide to the SimplyScripts Discussion Board (WIP)


Yes, I am running script reviews, again...

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Review My Logline  ›  Who Wants to Be a Princess? - Logline review Moderators: LC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Who Wants to Be a Princess? - Logline review  (currently 586 views)
FrankM
Posted: September 8th, 2019, 10:46pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Between Chair and Keyboard
Posts
1133
Posts Per Day
1.40
Hey everybody,

My first feature-length script has been on SS for a while now, and it's improved considerably from the feedback here... but the logline needs work.

The Who Wants to Be a Princess? script is over here.

My current logline is

Prince Roland cannot bear to marry anyone the king and queen have chosen for him, so he sets out to find a commoner to marry. Princesses are not so easily avoided.

First off, apparently you shouldn't include a fictional character's name in a logline. But even changing it to just "A prince" doesn't help because the prince's hunt for a bride turns out to be the inciting incident... he's not actually the protagonist.


Logged Offline
Private Message
Matthew Taylor
Posted: September 9th, 2019, 2:06am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Shakespeare's county
Posts
1027
Posts Per Day
2.06
Then who is the protag and why can't they be in the log line?

Stakes are important in a log line for hooking interest.
"A Prince wants to find a bride"... Ok, so?
"A Prince has to find a bride before his Vicious father feeds him to the family dragon"... Ok, I'll watch


Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 20
LC
Posted: September 9th, 2019, 6:59am Report to Moderator
Board Moderator


Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
3981
Posts Per Day
0.95
I scanned through your script, Frank.

So, it comes down to Roland making a deal with his parents that he can find a wonderful woman (a commoner, not one of the prissy princesses he's rejected so far) that the people will love and who will in turn be his one true love, correct? The stakes are that if his plan doesn't work his parents (the king and queen) will disown him and he will be forced to abdicate on his 25th birthday. Is that about right? Oh, and Holly is actually a blue blood princess, although she doesn't know it - she has faint memories of her past life, of bandits in pursuit etc., but was adopted after being found washed up on the rocks by Warrick and Treva.

Suggestions:

Wanting to escape an arranged marriage and with his royal title under threat a medieval prince devises a contest to find his one true love.

After rejecting an arranged marriage and with his parents threatening to disown him, a medieval prince looking for love devises a contest to find a commoner worthy of being a princess.

After rejecting a long line of princesses-in-waiting a medieval prince issues a challenge to the king and queen that he be allowed to pick the fairest maiden in the land from a courtyard full of commoners, or he will abdicate.

Or simply:

Wanting to escape an arranged marriage a medieval prince devises a royal contest in order to find his one true love.

You don't need the name Roland in the logline imho.

Maybe a combo of some of that...
Hope this helps at least.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 20
FrankM
Posted: September 9th, 2019, 9:52am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Between Chair and Keyboard
Posts
1133
Posts Per Day
1.40

Quoted from LC
I scanned through your script, Frank.

So, it comes down to Roland making a deal with his parents that he can find a wonderful woman (a commoner, not one of the prissy princesses he's rejected so far) that the people will love and who will in turn be his one true love, correct? The stakes are that if his plan doesn't work his parents (the king and queen) will disown him and he will be forced to abdicate on his 25th birthday. Is that about right? Oh, and Holly is actually a blue blood princess, although she doesn't know it - she has faint memories of her past life, of bandits in pursuit etc., but was adopted after being found washed up on the rocks by Warrick and Treva.

Suggestions:

Wanting to escape an arranged marriage and with his royal title under threat a medieval prince devises a contest to find his one true love.

After rejecting an arranged marriage and with his parents threatening to disown him, a medieval prince looking for love devises a contest to find a commoner worthy of being a princess.

After rejecting a long line of princesses-in-waiting a medieval prince issues a challenge to the king and queen that he be allowed to pick the fairest maiden in the land from a courtyard full of commoners, or he will abdicate.

Or simply:

Wanting to escape an arranged marriage a medieval prince devises a royal contest in order to find his one true love.

You don't need the name Roland in the logline imho.

Maybe a combo of some of that...
Hope this helps at least.


Thanks Libby. It occurred to me that I should have included a quick rundown of the plot in my OP, but you did a good job of that

I like your loglines, and I think it's going to end up being something close to them... just seems odd to me not mentioning at least one of the protagonist (Holly) or antagonist (Amity).

Edit: One other thing, Roland set his sights considerably lower than "true love" with this contest idea... he's ready to settle for "tolerable." At first, he has no idea who would win, it's basically like proposing blind to the top search result in a dating app. He ends up with someone he can love, but that's more luck than design.



Revision History (1 edits)
FrankM  -  September 9th, 2019, 9:58am
Added one more note
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 20
eldave1
Posted: September 9th, 2019, 10:32am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
5398
Posts Per Day
2.65

Quoted from FrankM


Thanks Libby. It occurred to me that I should have included a quick rundown of the plot in my OP, but you did a good job of that

I like your loglines, and I think it's going to end up being something close to them... just seems odd to me not mentioning at least one of the protagonist (Holly) or antagonist (Amity).

Edit: One other thing, Roland set his sights considerably lower than "true love" with this contest idea... he's ready to settle for "tolerable." At first, he has no idea who would win, it's basically like proposing blind to the top search result in a dating app. He ends up with someone he can love, but that's more luck than design.


I liked Libby's suggestions as well.

I would write at least one logline from Holly's POV to see how it flies. Write a long one - e.g., when a four year old princess ....

Also, always helpful with these things for those who want to give advice if you give more background on the story. Just sloppy, quick stuff - e.g.,  4 year old princess (Holly) caravan is attacked by bandits - all are killed except for Holly. She escapes - but is inflicted with amnesia when she falls on a rock. A local peasant family take her in and raise her is her own.

Years later ...

i.e., just kind of the highlights - it will be helpful for you anyway when you're required to write a synopsis


is attacked by bandits she gets amnesia and settles in with


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 20
khamanna
Posted: September 9th, 2019, 1:00pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
3346
Posts Per Day
0.88

Quoted from FrankM
Hey everybody,

My first feature-length script has been on SS for a while now, and it's improved considerably from the feedback here... but the logline needs work.

The Who Wants to Be a Princess? script is over here.

My current logline is

Prince Roland cannot bear to marry anyone the king and queen have chosen for him, so he sets out to find a commoner to marry. Princesses are not so easily avoided.

First off, apparently you shouldn't include a fictional character's name in a logline. But even changing it to just "A prince" doesn't help because the prince's hunt for a bride turns out to be the inciting incident... he's not actually the protagonist.

Could you experiment with one or two log lines featuring Holy as your protagonist? Cos thatís how I remember your script, Holy was your main character not Roland
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 20
Kevin_S
Posted: September 9th, 2019, 1:05pm Report to Moderator
New-ish



Posts
86
Posts Per Day
0.02
Frank,

I read your script and this is what I came up with.

A farm girl doesn't know she's part of a legendary tale in a royal contest designed by the prince to find his new betrothed.

Hope this helps.


Revision History (1 edits)
Kevin_S  -  September 9th, 2019, 1:16pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 20
khamanna
Posted: September 9th, 2019, 1:35pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
3346
Posts Per Day
0.88
Another version with the use of what Kevin wrote - just to spur other ideas:

Lost to her royal parents and raised by farmers, a blood princess plows her way through a contest designed by the prince to find his betrothed all the while fighting (here goes the description of Aimee I guess)

Wordy and much, but maybe you could use a word or two from here.

Other ideas to include - saying "only to find out who the real princess is" at the end; include why she's doing this and say what the findings are. Throw a word or two about finding real love... Maybe.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 20
MarkItZero
Posted: September 9th, 2019, 2:58pm Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator



Posts
782
Posts Per Day
0.56
Agree with everyone on trying it from her POV. I never know how much to give away in terms of the story though because I'm assuming her being royal blood is a significant twist later on.

How about something like...

An intrepid farm girl throws herself into a royal competition to become the disillusioned Prince's new bride, unaware her past holds secrets that could topple a kingdom hanging in the balance.

Or maybe that's too wordy. I never know. I hate loglines!


That rug really tied the room together.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 20
FrankM
Posted: September 9th, 2019, 3:05pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Between Chair and Keyboard
Posts
1133
Posts Per Day
1.40
Thanks for the help. I may be able to come up with something from Holly's POV.


Quoted from MarkItZero
I hate loglines!


Well, it was either write a logline or hit myself repeatedly with a scourge...  


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 20
LC
Posted: September 9th, 2019, 6:54pm Report to Moderator
Board Moderator


Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
3981
Posts Per Day
0.95

Quoted from Frankie Forest
I like your loglines, and I think it's going to end up being something close to them... just seems odd to me not mentioning at least one of the protagonist (Holly) or antagonist (Amity).

Yes, that was remiss of me. This is what happens when you get logline advice from someone not completely versed with the script. And, I clearly don't know enough about Amity. She's Holly's strongest rival? Even so, does she/should she even rate a mention in the log?


Quoted from Frankie Forest
Edit: One other thing, Roland set his sights considerably lower than "true love" with this contest idea... he's ready to settle for "tolerable." At first, he has no idea who would win, it's basically like proposing blind to the top search result in a dating app. He ends up with someone he can love, but that's more luck than design.

Okay, well again I haven't read the entirety but I'd like to think in any Prince/Princess story that love becomes the driving force, if not by mid-way, certainly by the end.

I see you're now deciding on writing the log from his and her POV.

If from his I'd add something like this:

... The only problem is when he takes a shine to a peasant girl he discovers not only is she singularly unimpressed by all things royal but that she also holds a secret that threatens to...

Like you said it's also about teasing with just enough, without writing conclusions or giving away the twist.

Btw Frank, is your co-writer your wife? Just curious.



Revision History (1 edits)
LC  -  September 9th, 2019, 9:18pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 20
Lightfoot
Posted: September 10th, 2019, 12:19pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Location
London, Ontario
Posts
352
Posts Per Day
0.08
My attempt ...

Fed up with arranged marriages set by his parents, a young prince must shake up the Hierarchy to find true love.

Thought this one up soon after ...

She's the daughter of a peasant. He's the son of a king. Can the kingdom survive the fusion of the two classes, can they?
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 20
FrankM
Posted: September 12th, 2019, 8:45am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Between Chair and Keyboard
Posts
1133
Posts Per Day
1.40
Thanks for the input everyone. I'll be banging my head on the desk for a few days and see if a logline dribbles out my ears.


Quoted from LC
Btw Frank, is your co-writer your wife? Just curious.


Yes, she is. And to be clear, nothing about this story is autobiographical. At no point while we were dating did she get kidnapped by a psychopath


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 20
FrankM
Posted: September 18th, 2019, 1:01pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Between Chair and Keyboard
Posts
1133
Posts Per Day
1.40
Wow, loglines are painful. Really appreciate the help on this.

For context, plot points for Acts I and II:

  • Cinnabar's 4-year-old Princess Holly's carriage is attacked by bandits, she escapes but is presumed dead. Conveniently, she has a distinctive birthmark that will come in handy later.
  • She actually made her way to farm in neighboring Glenwood (outside the wide search radius), and has Hollywood Amnesia.
  • Holly grows up a Glenwood farmer. Off-screen, Cinnabar's king imposes a pogrom against the bandit tribes.
  • Glenwood's Prince Roland rejects a procession of princesses and other ladies-in-waiting arranged by his parents.
  • Tradition requires the heir to marry by 25 or abdicate. Roland, at 24, convinces his parents to let him run a contest to find a commoner to marry.
  • What fragments Holly remember don't make her want to be a princess, but she does want to get the prince's ear to change an unfair tax law.
  • Separately, Amity - the younger sister of a princess from Safir whom Roland passed over - thinks it improper for him to marry a commoner, enters the contest herself undercover without her parents' knowledge.
  • Act II starts with Holly and Amity arriving at the contest. Despite the high stakes of this contest, it's a family film so Holly makes some friends among the contestants. Holly and Amity, however, are oil and water.
  • Holly does get Roland's ear about the tax law, setting a G-rated romance arc in motion.
  • Someone recognizes Amity, tells Roland's father. Roland's father rigs the contest in her favor, which Amity finds condescending and stressful.
  • Two bandits who managed to enter the contest convince Holly that she might be a survivor from a Cinnabar raid on a bandit tribe.
  • Holly figures out Amity is "cheating" but doesn't know who's helping her. Holly and friends try not-very-successfully to sabotage Amity.
  • Holly gets more or less what she came for about getting the tax law changed, offers to withdraw from the contest, but Roland doesn't want her to.
  • Amity pieces together that Holly is impersonating the "Princess Holly" from all those cautionary tales she was told as a girl, thinking it's some kind of trick to needle Amity for being a real princess. (No, Holly is needling Amity in a completely different way for being a debutante and a cheater.)
  • A Cinnabar diplomat recognizes Holly's birthmark, halting the contest in its tracks. Amity, who's convinced the birthmark is a tattoo, is apoplectic.
  • Holly gets pissed at Roland because the contest will go on even if Holly returns home (Holly just offered to leave three bullet points ago). Holly asks the diplomat to take her home.
  • Act II ends with Holly's carriage stopped in neutral territory by Safiri troops, almost certainly on Amity's orders.


Here is what I came up with:

A farmer who cannot remember her past want to change the kingdom's future, so she enters the prince's contest to find a bride.

Still needs work, but getting closer I think.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 20
khamanna
Posted: September 18th, 2019, 1:32pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
3346
Posts Per Day
0.88
Coming to think of it - it reads just like Jamesí only I should give it to James, his has better semantics.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 20
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Review My Logline  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006