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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Review My Logline  ›  Break Force! - Logine review request... Moderators: LC
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VicBurns
Posted: December 30th, 2019, 6:27am Report to Moderator
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Break Force!

A group of forty something friends, who used to be in a breadance crew in the eighties bump into their old rivals and enter a contest to settle the old beef once and for all.
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eldave1
Posted: December 30th, 2019, 11:27am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from VicBurns
Break Force!

A group of forty something friends, who used to be in a breadance crew in the eighties bump into their old rivals and enter a contest to settle the old beef once and for all.


You meant break dance - yes?

Promising premise - but need a little bit about the stakes. Winner gets ??


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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LC
Posted: December 30th, 2019, 6:12pm Report to Moderator
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Yep, blonde that I am I looked up breadance, but the clue's in the title too, I suppose.

You need to be careful of typos, they can alter meaning quick as a wink and send people like me scampering to Google. Or worse: You only need look at #susanalbumparty   and a book that was promoted here in Oz under the banner of 'never fails to disappoint' - okay, not strictly typos but marketing fiascos that nobody along the long chain of production picked up on. Imagine the cost of all those published hardback books - into the trash they went.

'settle the old beef'?  I'd leave the vernacular for dialogue and write something like 'settlle old scores'.
That said, what are the stakes? What's at stake if they do or don't win?

The guys in The Full Monty were unemployed steelworkers trying to raise money but it became about a whole lot more than that..

These are not your typical young guys trying to break out of a small town, with big city dreams. The difference here is that your guys are in their forties. Forty-something, btw. That's key to originality, and a great fresh angle! Imho, you need to expand and pique my interest more with that.

FYI:
https://www.indiewire.com/2013/09/the-playlists-15-favorite-movie-dance-offs-93444/


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PKCardinal
Posted: January 5th, 2020, 7:29pm Report to Moderator
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Sounds like a Kevin James vehicle.

I'll agree with others re: stakes.

And add... what's the old beef?

Could be fun!


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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