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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Review My Logline  ›  How much to reveal in a logline Moderators: LC
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James A McCormick
Posted: April 8th, 2021, 10:53am Report to Moderator
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I have a short script (15 pages) in which someone believes there's an alien invasion but 3/4 in we realise they are actually delusional. The question is should I hint at this in the logline? The reason I ask is that I'm worried if I don't, anyone reading the logline will just view the script as a cheesy, one dimensional SF- when in fact it is more about mental health and PTSD.

Any advice would be very much appreciated.

thanks
Jim
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eldave1
Posted: April 8th, 2021, 11:12am Report to Moderator
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Probably would help if you posted the logline. But just spit-balling - seems to be the crux is something like,

When a PROTAGONIST suffering from (WHATEVER THE MENTAL DISORDER IS) sees  (WHATEVER IT IS THAT MAKES HIM THINK THERE IS AN ALIEN INVASION) he must decide if it is real or a figment of his imagination.


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Robert Timsah
Posted: April 8th, 2021, 2:47pm Report to Moderator
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John is crazy, but what if the aliens are real and he's the only one who can see them?

I think it's more interesting if he's crazy but also, correct - there are aliens. LOL

Maybe he meets a girl who's also crazy, and he soon realizes only schizophrenics can see and hear them and try to save humanity. But of course, everyone thinks they're crazy...

Fun premise to work with, but the keyword is fun. Don't go boring and depressing on us. Have fun with it. Even if he has PTSD and mental health issues, he could still be right. You're not crazy if someone really is following you.


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James A McCormick
Posted: April 10th, 2021, 1:17pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks so much for the advice, it helped me think it through.
I am going with "A troubled veteran finds renewed purpose when he's called on to join a resistance against alien invaders"
(I think the "troubled veteran" might be enough of a ever so slight hint without giving too much away)
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: April 10th, 2021, 3:12pm Report to Moderator
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Personally I wouldn't use something as vague as "troubled" (plus it appears it countless loglines)

I'd choose something along the lines of "unhinged" (that's all I got off the top of my head, there's probably better choices)


Feature

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Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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LC
Posted: April 10th, 2021, 6:41pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Matthew Taylor
Personally I wouldn't use something as vague as "troubled" (plus it appears it countless loglines)

I'd choose something along the lines of "unhinged" (that's all I got off the top of my head, there's probably better choices)


I agree with a better selection of adjective absolutely.
It's all about the words you select in your logline to engage a reader.

Mentally unbalanced, mentally unstable, irrational, deranged, loose cannon - depends on the extent of his troubled mind, but -
Renewed purpose - that's fine to include, as long you counter this alleged optimism with another ciffhanger on the end of that to indicate things are not going to go well.

An invaluable resource for all writers:
thesaurus.com

Here's the logline to Jacob's Ladder:

A postal worker is haunted by flashbacks to his earlier marriage, his torturous days of duty during the Vietnam war and his now-dead son.

Haunted, and torturous, do the job perfectly. And we have additionally the 'why'.


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James A McCormick
Posted: April 14th, 2021, 12:41pm Report to Moderator
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thanks- I think I'm going to change it to traumatised
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