After a horrific bus accident claims the lives of dozens of children, a group of grieving parents band together with a mysterious stranger to confront the sole survivors of the accident, a pair of creepy siblings who escaped without so much as a scratch, and their extremely protective mother. Are the siblings somehow responsible for the accident? Or are these parents so desperate for answers that will condemn an innocent family?

Any advice on how I can tighten this up?

Hey Zack,

“A group of grieving parents band together to solve the mystery behind a horrific bus accident that claimed the lives of their children.”

It’s a work in progress but something to work off. You’re adding too much lol. Leave some for the reader to find out in the script.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Thanks, Gabe. That's  not bad at all!

I think a little combo of the two would work.

After a horrific bus accident, a group of grieving parents band together to determine if two creepy siblings that miraculously survived the crash were responsible for the death of their children.

Quoted from eldave1 I think a little combo of the two would work. After a horrific bus accident, a group of grieving parents band together to determine if two creepy siblings that miraculously survived the crash were responsible for the death of their children.

I really like that one, Dave. Gonna use it. Thanks!

And submitted!

Quoted from Zack I really like that one, Dave. Gonna use it. Thanks! And submitted!

Glad to help