SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is September 20th, 2021, 7:51am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
The 'something' is the September One Week Challange

scripts due to SimplyScripts.com/OWC


The January Project!
If you want access to the January Project, click here

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Review My Logline  ›  Dollars of the Damned logline Moderators: LC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Dollars of the Damned logline  (currently 123 views)
Outside
Posted: August 27th, 2021, 10:37pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
19
Posts Per Day
0.51
Logline: in 1936 Texas,  a stubborn tomboyish reporter pursues a hitman for the reward money to save her family's newspaper becomes trapped with him in an old mansion of eldritch horrors.


I think this kind of works...but I know it could be stronger.

Revision History (1 edits)
Outside  -  August 28th, 2021, 1:57am
Logged Offline
Private Message
LC
Posted: August 29th, 2021, 4:29am Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
6065
Posts Per Day
1.28
In 1936 Texas, a stubborn tomboyish reporter pursues a hitman for the reward money to save her family's newspaper becomes trapped with him in an old mansion of eldritch horrors.

John, reading that out loud you need a transition between newspaper & becomes trapped.
Even if just a 'but'.

I noticed your comment on another thread noting that you're partial to two adjectives describing your protagonist. I'm not convinced you need both stubborn and tomboyish, but that may be personal preference.
I'm not convinced you need the locale and era either, but I suppose it adds tone.

Suggestion to play around with:

In a desperate bid to save the family newspaper business, a plucky cub reporter pursues a wanted hitman for the reward money, but then finds herself trapped with him in a Gothic mansion, and facing unspeakable horrors.

'eldritch' seems particularly Lovecraftian - I admit to not knowing what it meant.
Eldritch is an English word used to describe something otherworldly, weird, ghostly, or uncanny. In contemporary culture, the term is closely associated with the Lovecraftian horror. Wiki

With that in mind maybe mention the inspiration e.g., in the Lovecraft tradition -  otherwise for those not in the know a more relatable word might do the trick better?

Jmho.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 6
Outside
Posted: August 29th, 2021, 4:41am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
19
Posts Per Day
0.51
Lol, Dang it, yer gonna make me sleep on this one. I was contemplating what you brought up about the 2 adjectives and wondering if tomboyish was needed, much less if Texas was needed either earlier today.

But I went with it just because the combination of the year, setting, and the tomboyish nature of the protagonist should naturally clash with each other...well, provided you have some understanding about the post Victorian 1930s....Or the post Victorian 1930s Texas. Might just be my writers ego looking to deep into things.

Yeah, Eldritch is one of Lovecraft's many made up words. It's quite distinct if you're familiar with his works but if you aren't it doesn't mean anything...I suppose I could swap that for 'Cosmic  horrors", which is a little more known in pop culture.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 6
LC
Posted: August 29th, 2021, 4:56am Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
6065
Posts Per Day
1.28
Hmm, the only problem (if you can call it that) with 'cosmic horror', is will it impact on an audience straight away as terrifying/horrififying - if that's what you're going for. For Lovecraft fans, for sure, which is why I suggested something in the vein of: in the tradition of Lovecraft, or for fans of Lovecraftian horror.

Supernatural/preternatural horrors, maybe?

I'll leave it with you.
And, some Lovecraft fans might also chime in.





Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 6
eldave1
Posted: August 29th, 2021, 11:45am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6909
Posts Per Day
2.65
I can't improve on Libby's - I think it nails it


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 6
Outside
Posted: September 2nd, 2021, 9:27pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
19
Posts Per Day
0.51
Well, let everything settle. Still playing with words and trying to clear this up a little more, Here's some alternatives.

To save her family paper, a plucky reporter pursues a wanted hitman for the reward, but traps them both in a mansion when she accidentally unleashes otherworldly horrors.

A plucky reporter pursues a wanted hitman for the reward but accidentally traps them both in a mansion when she unleashes otherworldly horrors.

Revision History (1 edits)
Outside  -  September 3rd, 2021, 3:35pm
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 6
Outside
Posted: September 8th, 2021, 11:35pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
19
Posts Per Day
0.51
I think this one might be a winner...not sure yet. Everything still kind of feels connected now at least O.o;

In 1936, a stubborn reporter pursues a mobster for the reward to save her family newspaper. Everything goes wrong when the cult he works for unleashes otherworldly horrors that trap them in a mansion.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 6
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Review My Logline  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006