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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Review My Logline  ›  Billy Ocean Radio Moderators: LC
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  Author    Billy Ocean Radio  (currently 365 views)
Robert Timsah
Posted: March 17th, 2022, 3:30pm Report to Moderator
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Does this need to be shorter, or does it work? Not sure but it's a little long.

Billy Ocean Radio (Comedy, Dark Comedy)

Amid nuclear war fears, Nathan and friends try to get to an "end of the world party" where he plans to tell the love of his life how he feels. They encounter one disaster after another, and for some reason Spotify won't play anything but Billy Ocean songs.

https://robert-timsah.com/billy-ocean-radio/


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LC
Posted: March 17th, 2022, 7:13pm Report to Moderator
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Robert, I wouldn't say it's too long but it needs some oomph.

Amid nuclear war fears...
Sounds a bit wishy-washy to my ear. The threat needs to be made real.

Here's the log for -  These Final Hours Good movie btw.
As Earth approaches a cataclysm that will be its end, a self-obsessed man heads for the party-to-end-all-parties, but he ends up saving the life of a little girl who is searching for her father.

Likewise: Seeking a friend for the End of the World is set during the final weeks of Earth, as a killer asteroid rockets toward earth...

Making the threat more real, even if it doesn't end up that way would add to this I think.

Nathan 'and friends'.Centre it on one main character maybe or even if he has friends along for the ride, describe them in a more colourful way - stoner friends?

They encounter one disaster after another, and for some reason Spotify won't play anything but Billy Ocean songs.
I like the premise. It's funny. Perhaps use the phrase: with Billy Ocean songs playing on endless loop.

he plans to tell the love of his life how he feels
Make this more definitive. He's desperate to tell, get to her surely? etc.

Re the disasters along the way, are they hilarious mishaps?

The bones are all here. It just needs ramping up imho.

P.S. I can't help thinking you could do more with the title. I'll ponder that...


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Robert Timsah
Posted: March 18th, 2022, 1:46pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Robert, I wouldn't say it's too long but it needs some oomph.

Amid nuclear war fears...
Sounds a bit wishy-washy to my ear. The threat needs to be made real.

Here's the log for -  These Final Hours Good movie btw.
As Earth approaches a cataclysm that will be its end, a self-obsessed man heads for the party-to-end-all-parties, but he ends up saving the life of a little girl who is searching for her father.

Likewise: Seeking a friend for the End of the World is set during the final weeks of Earth, as a killer asteroid rockets toward earth...

Making the threat more real, even if it doesn't end up that way would add to this I think.

Nathan 'and friends'.Centre it on one main character maybe or even if he has friends along for the ride, describe them in a more colourful way - stoner friends?

They encounter one disaster after another, and for some reason Spotify won't play anything but Billy Ocean songs.
I like the premise. It's funny. Perhaps use the phrase: with Billy Ocean songs playing on endless loop.

he plans to tell the love of his life how he feels
Make this more definitive. He's desperate to tell, get to her surely? etc.

Re the disasters along the way, are they hilarious mishaps?

The bones are all here. It just needs ramping up IMHO.

P.S. I can't help thinking you could do more with the title. I'll ponder that...


Thanks, LC, gave me a lot of food for thought! Here's a new shot. Less specific but I think more true to how the story will play out. It won't just be about Nathan… I think I want several of them to find love right as the clock strikes midnight and the bombs drop - to Billy Ocean songs LOL

With society breaking down, and Spotify only able to play Billy Ocean songs on loop, Nathan and friends must overcome hilarious disaster after another as they race to get to an end of the world party and find love before the doomsday clock strikes midnight.





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eldave1
Posted: March 19th, 2022, 3:59pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Robert:

Not that it matters - but the Spotify thing kind of threw me given all the alternatives (iPods, radio, Pandora, et al) that one can listen to music on - so I had a hard time envisioning how a Spotify malfunction has an impact on anyone.

You have end of the world party - stakes - great
They have to race to get there in time - urgency - great
To tell love of his life how he feels - Goal = great

You got all the elements other than I don't know:

- what the doomsday is (e.g., an asteroid hitting earth, sun exploding, earth core melting - I think that should be added.

- I don't know anything about your protag - is he a drug-addled DJ, a stockbroker, a teenager, a man??

- Why Billy Ocean? If somehow his songs and lyrics play into achieving or thwarting the mission - expand on that. If not, I'm not sure I would include it in the logline.

So, I'll make up some stuff for illustrative purposes -

He's a wannabe rock star
His friend are his bandmates
The disaster is an asteroid

Then - something like:

In a last-chance effort to confess his true love to the girl of his dreams, a wannabe Rock Star and his dysfunctional bandmates must find a way to make it to an end of the world party before a doomsday asteroid strikes Earth.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Robert Timsah
Posted: March 23rd, 2022, 10:34pm Report to Moderator
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With the radio only able to play Billy Ocean songs, Nathan and his misfit friends encounter hilarious disasters on the way to an end of the world party where they each hope to find love before the doomsday clock strikes midnight.


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eldave1
Posted: March 24th, 2022, 8:17pm Report to Moderator
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Better


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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