Other than the Jan -21 Project, I haven't really written anything (features) in several years, but now I'm working on something again. Yay! It's the feature version of a short I wrote several years ago, same title, that filmmakers were actually fighting over. It's a dark thriller. I suck at loglines, so I need a little help.

This is what I have so far, but I worry it sounds comedic instead of dark and suspenseful.

When an up and coming black chef is kidnapped by a thirteen year old inner city poor white girl, he has to fight for his life just to survive the night.

Pia, I loved the Short. As did many people which is why you had so many people fighting over it.  

Just off the bat, the second part of the log is definitely dark and suspenseful.
The first part: up and coming Black chef doesn't really grab me. I kinda think (apart from the Black man/White young Girl angle) does him being a chef have anything to do with anything? Btw, was she this young in the Short version?

Is he just a random target?
From memory the narrative surrounding the Short version related to a dare?

Quoted from LC Pia, I loved the Short. As did many people which is why you had so many people fighting over it.

Yes, unfortunately, only a crappy version was ever made. They filmed it in the UK, made the girl a 30 yo woman...

Quoted from LC Just off the bat, the second part of the log is definitely dark and suspenseful. The first part: up and coming Black chef doesn't really grab me. I kinda think (apart from the Black man/White young Girl angle) does him being a chef have anything to do with anything? Btw, was she this young in the Short version?

Well, he grew up poor with a father who was a hard criminal, but he stayed on the good road and is now getting somewhere. The chef thing was something I chose for the sake of being a little different. His goal is to own his own restaurant and he has just been approved for a business loan, when she comes around and threaten to ruin all that he has worked for.

Quoted from LC Is he just a random target? From memory the narrative surrounding the Short version related to a dare?

Yes. She is a poor inner city girl with horrific home situation. She wants to join this girl gang, like a family. Her Initiation is to complete a set of tasks. Making a black man commit several crimes. And yes, her age is important. That was also the reason why no one made a good film. To hire a good actress to pull this off at that age wasn't cheap, but it's essential to the story.

Thank you for always being so helpful.  

Hi Pia,

I took a shot at your logline...

A Chefpreneur becomes an unwilling pawn to the sinister plots of an inner-city teen trying to join an all-girl street gang.

Good luck with your project!

Quoted from Kevin_L I took a shot at your logline... A Chefpreneur becomes an unwilling pawn to the sinister plots of an inner-city teen trying to join an all-girl street gang. Good luck with your project!

Thanks for chiming in Kevin!

That's pretty good! Although, I think Libby's thought about the chef might not be needed. Btw, I had never seen the Chefpreneur word before and I'm thinking if I stumble on it, maybe others will as well.

Thanks.  

Having just achieved (reached) success in his professional and personal life, an African-American man must fight for his life (finds himself in a fight for survival) when he is abducted by a thirteen-year old white girl with a sinister agenda.

Borrowed Kev's ' sinister' there.

Now that's a bit vague - the agenda bit. I need more info.
Does she put him through a series of tests? I can't remember.

Yours is not bad at all, Pia.

What about this one?

An up-and coming black chef must fight for his life when he realizes the 13 year old poor inner city white girl who's kidnapped him has been tasked with killing him as a gang initiation rite.  

Pia,

Happy to try and help. To try and combine with what you and LC have done so far.  

On the verge of his culinary debut, a black chef must fight for his life when a white thirteen-year-old uses him as a pawn for her induction into a violent all-girl street gang.

Quoted from Grandma Bear What about this one? An up-and coming black chef must fight for his life when he realizes the 13 year old poor inner city white girl who's kidnapped him has been tasked with killing him as a gang initiation rite.

I really like this, Pia! It tells us more of the 'why'.
The only thing I might question is if it's like the Short and there's an 'initiation list' of things she forces him to do first, and he at first doesn't realise his life is at stake, then I'd rearrange the logline to leave the 'fight for his life' bit as a final logline tease. You could argue that's giving away too much. On the other hand his life being at stake could be a big spoiler for the denouement.

I'd write 13 as thirteen-year old.
Do what you think though ultimately.
Overall, I think that one above is pretty darned good.

Kev's is good too.

P.S. I still have a little quibble with the 'chef' thing, unless his tools of the trade are going to play a vital role in the fight back.

Yes, I need to get rid of the chef thing.

An up-and coming black entrepreneur must fight for his life when he realizes the 13 year old poor inner city white girl who's kidnapped him has been tasked with killing him as a gang initiation rite.  

Kind of used Kevin's "chefpreneur" thing.  

And yes, Libby, she has a list of tasks to complete that she gets on her phone from the gang. She doesn't realize until the end that she's supposed to kill him, but at that point they have sort of bonded due to what they have experienced prior.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Yes, I need to get rid of the chef thing. An up-and coming black entrepreneur must fight for his life when he realizes the 13 year old poor inner city white girl who's kidnapped him has been tasked with killing him as a gang initiation rite.   Kind of used Kevin's "chefpreneur" thing.   And yes, Libby, she has a list of tasks to complete that she gets on her phone from the gang. She doesn't realize until the end that she's supposed to kill him, but at that point they have sort of bonded due to what they have experienced prior.

I'll just add one more thing, Pia: I think a big what the... moment and drawcard/hook with your story (and so also your Logline) is that an adult Black man could feasibly be kidnapped by a teenage White Girl. It seems a bit crazy but she manages it.

Imh, you need that aspect in there and imh it becomes a bit diluted with the word 'entrepreneur'
That might just be me, I don't know..

As a side note ever since we wrote the character of Tress in the January Project the description of Black v African-American has got me thinking too. But I may be overthinking things in this PC World.

Along those lines these articles are interesting:

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/06/26/us/black-african-american-style-debate.html

https://freshmenscreenplay.com/the-best-way-to-describe-black-characters-in-a-script/

Btw, what was your original Logline for the Short version?