Tuned this about as far as I can on my own. As per the title. this is for a serial sci fi series (streaming). TIA.

Under the specter of interplanetary war, a wealthy inventor leads a team of top scientists and intrepid adventurers against greedy corporations and corrupt governments to perfect the first faster-than-light drive and take humanity to the safety of the stars.

I'm awful at loglines, so I wish I could be more helpful.

As a general first impression, it feels REALLY wordy. Does every noun need an adjective? Eg - WEALTHY investor, TOP scientists, INTREPID adventurers, GREEDY corporations, CORRUPT governments, etc etc

I think, to start with, you could many or most of those to make this more immediate and readable.

Beyond that - others on the board are better with LLs than I am.

Hmm. How's this...

Under the specter of interplanetary war, a wealthy inventor leads a team of scientists and adventurers against greedy corporations and corrupt governments to perfect the first faster-than-light drive and take humanity to the safety of the stars.

I wouldn't want to lose all of them as I think there is some useful weight to be had.

I'm with Ben.  It's hard to see the wood from the trees here.
Tell me the story simply and then I'll give it a go.

Under the spectre is too vague. Is Earth on the verge of interplanetary war? (That's more specific imho). Against who or what exactly, though?

A wealthy inventor is your hero?
Hmm, what like an Elon Musk type as a protagonist?
Be better just to call him a scientist or Physicist imho.

Faster than light drive?
Are we talking about a faster than the speed of light spacecraft?
Drive sounds too cruisy.

https://physicsworld.com/a/spa.....ht-claims-physicist/


Example: With Earth on the verge of interplanetary war a discredited Physicist invents a warp spacecraft capable of flying faster than the speed of light in a race against time and to save humanity from extinction.

I really don't know who the foe is here though - the government, corporations, an Alien race?

Yes, LC has explained it better than I could.

Again - I'm not good at loglines, but the rule of thumb I use is:

[protagonist] ---> [does a thing/needs to do a thing] ---> because ---> [something that is at stake/a risk] --->[optional: timeframes/"race against the clock" element].

So --

"[A discredited physicist] [invents a warp spacecraft/some sort of technology] in order to [save humanity from extinction] before [some sort of antagonist/villain element]."

Somewhere I picked up the idea that loglines for series can and should, be longer. That a logline for a movie should be around twenty-five words, but a series logline could be forty to fifty. Is that old advice from pre-streaming days or just some nonsense that got stuck in my skull?

What's below is criticism of the criticism above. Partially I'm venting (I really fucking hate dealing with loglines and it makes me angry) and partially I'm aghast at particulars. So if you're delicate, don't read it.

As much as I despise writing loglines, I despise it when people rewrite your story/characters when giving feedback. Where did "discredited physicist" come from?

Also, while I can't be sure that a sci fi fan would end up being the target audience, if you've got a problem with the word "drive", all you're telling me is that you're not familiar with sci fi. I'm not trying to be a dick, but you've never heard "warp drive" (Star Trek) or "hyper drive" (Star Wars)? What's next, we can't use the word "zombie" in a horror logline?

Dude, you asked for help. You can replace the particulars of the adjectives with whatever you want. The structure is the assistance.

I've never heard of a word limit on loglines for any format, but generally when someone says "it's too wordy", thy mean that it's complicated and doesn't make enough sense. They don't mean that it literally has too many words.

Yes, and I thank you for the help. I understand that it's too complicated and I am having a proper tantrum in my head about that and only spouting about 1% onto the internet. Sorry if I hadn't made that clear. Once I nail this, I am going to have a real rant and shout and probably scare the neighbors.

I have butchered the pig:

An independent inventor develops the first faster-than-light drive to take humanity to the stars, usurping a solar system of greedy corporations and vengeful governments.

Quoted from Hallucigenia Somewhere I picked up the idea that loglines for series can and should, be longer. That a logline for a movie should be around twenty-five words, but a series logline could be forty to fifty. Is that old advice from pre-streaming days or just some nonsense that got stuck in my skull? What's below is criticism of the criticism above. Partially I'm venting (I really fucking hate dealing with loglines and it makes me angry) and partially I'm aghast at particulars. So if you're delicate, don't read it. As much as I despise writing loglines, I despise it when people rewrite your story/characters when giving feedback. Where did "discredited physicist" come from? Also, while I can't be sure that a sci fi fan would end up being the target audience, if you've got a problem with the word "drive", all you're telling me is that you're not familiar with sci fi. I'm not trying to be a dick, but you've never heard "warp drive" (Star Trek) or "hyper drive" (Star Wars)? What's next, we can't use the word "zombie" in a horror logline?

Exactly the wrong approach to responding to feedback.

Ben was merely offering a suggested structure for the logline - not replacing characters.

LC was merely pointing out that drive was a squishy term  - IMO - she was correct. I would have gone with TRANSPORT.

Your response to their suggestions is amateurish. You did not pay them for their time and efforts. They provided feedback out of the kindness of their heart.  Use what you agree with and thank them for their efforts.

Moving on:

For TV series there are two broad types of loglines. One focuses on your characters living/surviving in the state that they are in and the other deals with the journey your characters are going to take.

A good example of the former is CHEERS:

The regulars of the Boston bar "Cheers" share their experiences and lives with each other while drinking or working at the bar where everybody knows your name.

A good example of the latter is BREAKING BAD

A chemistry teacher diagnosed with terminal lung cancer teams up with his former student to cook and sell crystal meth in order to provide for his family, his wife, disabled son, and newborn.

Yours sounds like the latter (I'm guessing because, unlike you, I don't know the story.  But if so, that should be the emphasis. e.g.,

In order to save humanity from the ravages of a looming interplanetary war, a (DESCRIBE YOUR CHARACTER) must battle (DESCRIBE YOUR OBSTACLES) to create a (DESCRIBE YOUR GOAL).

And when you're done - trim it down to be as brief as possible.

One way you do that is not to waste your adjectives. Example: WEALTHY INVENTOR - wealthy doesn't tell us anything about your character - he could be anyone from and Elon Musk type to Warren Buffet to Thomas Edison. You are only using wealthy to show us he has the means to do the job - we can kind of already get that from the fact that he is building a faster-than-light speed transport. A RENEGADE INVESTOR or ECCENTRIC INVESTOR - gives us more insight into the lead character than does wealth. Small stuff like that makes a difference.

Your updated logline is way better - more streamlined, less wordy - I'd just find a way to collapse the government and corporation distinctions into something more succinct. Just my two c.

Done. I also altered the focus to go from specific (first episode) to general (the ongoing conflict/situation of the series).

To save a doomed colony ship, an independent inventor develops the first faster-than-light starship, destabilizing a politically tense solar system with the threat of war.

I feel like they're getting worse the more you tweak them.

You start with...

Quoted from Hallucigenia Under the specter of interplanetary war, a wealthy inventor leads a team of top scientists and intrepid adventurers against greedy corporations and corrupt governments to perfect the first faster-than-light drive and take humanity to the safety of the stars.

... which talks of war, inventors, a team of scientists and adventurers, greedy corporations, corrupt governments, faster than light travel, and the universe.

All cool stuff.

But then you end up with...

Quoted Text To save a doomed colony ship, an independent inventor develops the first faster-than-light starship, destabilizing a politically tense solar system with the threat of war.

... which is now just a colony ship, no crack team of characters, and something about destabilizing a solar system with just the threat of war?

Granted I don't know the finer details of your story and where it will go in the future, but this sounds boring.

The first one had more promise.

This is the show I'd watch:

On the brink of interplanetary war, an inventor races against time with his rag tag team of scientists and adventurers to build the first faster-than-light ship and escape to the edge of the galaxy with it before the greedy corporations and corrupt governments get their hands on it first.

Something like that.
There's urgency, a team of misfits, a goal, a protagonist.

I see different episodes where they build the ship, pit the corporation against the government, space battle scenes, heists to get materials for the ship, crosses, double crosses, triple crosses...

It's still not perfect, but you see where I'm going with this.

-Jordan

Edit:
The word "drive" made me think of a hard drive or a thumb drive initially. My first thought wasn't of an engine, and you don't want people working to understand your logline.
Use simple words that you understand without much thought.
Even the word "perfect" is a bad choice because you use it as pərˈfekt and not pərfikt. Avoid homographs.

Quoted from Nomad You start with... ... which talks of war, inventors, a team of scientists and adventurers, greedy corporations, corrupt governments, faster than light travel, and the universe. All cool stuff.

Exactly. It was written to press that button that makes rats give up everything else in their life in order to get another hit.

BUT, feedback suggested that it was incorrect. Incorrect for something that technically does not have any rules. The over-aching impression I have is that writing loglines is more religion than anything else.

You need to see the main conflict of the story.

Quoted from Ani You need to see the main conflict of the story.

Yes. It's in there. Rather, it was. The protagonists will be going up against a parade of greedy corporations and corrupt governments over the course of the series, all looking to control the FTL tech.