Hi peeps,

Does the below logline to a comedy feature do a job?

"When an intermediary is coerced by power-hungry aliens to negotiate the surrender of planet earth, he has a hard time getting anybody to take him seriously. “

Appreciate any thoughts.

The last bit shows good comic potential, and the title is good, but there just isn't anything even remotely funny about the dry word "intermediary."  It sucks all the air out of your logline.

Replace that with a descriptive word or two.  I mean, what is he?  A shy teenager?  A hapless game show host?  A neurotic plumber?

Use the character to suggest the tone of this comedy -- especially if we'll be spending 90 pages or so with this guy for a feature-length.

Quoted from bert The last bit shows good comic potential, and the title is good, but there just isn't anything even remotely funny about the dry word "intermediary."  It sucks all the air out of your logline. Replace that with a descriptive word or two.  I mean, what is he?  A shy teenager?  A hapless game show host?  A neurotic plumber? Use the character to suggest the tone of this comedy -- especially if we'll be spending 90 pages or so with this guy for a feature-length.

Yep - this

Thanks, Bert - You are bang on right. Mick is quite a specific character and I need to nail that!

Eldave - Thanks for reinforcing.

My pleasure -

Quoted from bert The last bit shows good comic potential, and the title is good, but there just isn't anything even remotely funny about the dry word "intermediary."  It sucks all the air out of your logline. Replace that with a descriptive word or two.  I mean, what is he?  A shy teenager?  A hapless game show host?  A neurotic plumber? Use the character to suggest the tone of this comedy -- especially if we'll be spending 90 pages or so with this guy for a feature-length.

Yes, why is he the worst possible choice for this job? You tell us no one takes him seriously. Include the "why" and you're ready to go. As Bert says... your best place to do that is in a one or two word character description.

(Let us know when you write this script. It'll be a fun read, I'm betting.)

Oh boy, do I have an idea for this!  How about replacing "intermediary" with "a disgraced ex-politician".   That opens all kinds of possibilities and the current news could fill in all the blanks for you - seems there's never a shortage of that lot.  LOL

Thanks, Cardinal for taking a look.

What I didn't mention is that these aliens only approach Mick and do not make themselves known to anybody else hence why nobody takes him seriously and he's a bit of a pickle.

How about --

“When a “fed up of the world” middleman is approached by power-hungry aliens to negotiate the surrender of Planet Earth, he has a hard time getting anybody to believe him. “

Any better?

Hi Kathy - that's a really cool spin on the story. However, I have already written the script and just touching it up for the umpteenth time. I can actually imagine Trump or Boris coming out with something like that lol.

I gonna put it up after the OWC so would of course super-appreciate any reads, Cardinal.

Cheers

Quoted from ColinS Thanks, Cardinal for taking a look. What I didn't mention is that these aliens only approach Mick and do not make themselves known to anybody else hence why nobody takes him seriously and he's a bit of a pickle. How about -- “When a “fed up of the world” middleman is approached by power-hungry aliens to negotiate the surrender of Planet Earth, he has a hard time getting anybody to believe him. “ Any better? Hi Kathy - that's a really cool spin on the story. However, I have already written the script and just touching it up for the umpteenth time. I can actually imagine Trump or Boris coming out with something like that lol. I gonna put it up after the OWC so would of course super-appreciate any reads, Cardinal. Cheers

"fed up of the world" middleman doesn't feel quite right.

"Disgruntled" isn't quite right either. What says "fed up with the world" in one or two words? "Disillusioned" maybe?

Anyway, it's very close. It adds a sense of irony to the logline... like, if he's fed up with the world, maybe he struggles with the thought: "Maybe I should just let the aliens have it."

It's good, because it adds a layer to the story.

(Also, shoot me a message when you post it. I'll be happy to read.)

Oh, and I thought "only make themselves known to Mick" was implied in the original logline.

Thanks Cardinal again - This is really helpful, I quite like Disillusioned. It's short and sweet and sums Mick up.

I'll be sure to ping you a message when the scripts up! Your feedback will be valuable.

P.S - Shutter Island is up on script vs film - Just watching bits of it has enticed to me to watch it again tonight. I forgot how good it was!

Cheers

Quoted from ColinS P.S - Shutter Island is up on script vs film - Just watching bits of it has enticed to me to watch it again tonight. I forgot how good it was! Cheers

Oooh... I'll check that out.

I very much agree with everything said.
But a small thing - and see if others feel that way too but I would change to:

Coerced by power-hungry aliens to negotiate the surrender of planet earth, an intermidiary has a hard time getting anybody to take him seriously.

Agree with bert, and really like the title. That’s a real attention grabber.

Thanks Kham, think you're bang on - Your version of the longline is nice and crisp, I like it. Think I'll go with that - will jus replace the intermediary word.

Thanks Andrew - That's promising to hear - jus hope I've written a script to match it lol