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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Review My Logline  ›  Review my logline (Working Title = Haven) Moderators: LC
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James A McCormick
Posted: February 28th, 2025, 1:46pm Report to Moderator
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I have written a low budget horror, cast = 3/ locations, a single house (3 interiors) and one exterior (forest)

The logline I have is:
An ageing city-couple seeking a fresh start in the country realize their young landlord hides a terrifying secret—trapped, isolated, they must outwit him or become the latest victims of his twisted sense of family.

And feedback would be appreciated

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James A McCormick  -  March 4th, 2025, 6:52pm
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PKCardinal
Posted: February 28th, 2025, 1:57pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, James. Looks like a good start.

What's the terrifying secret?


PaulKWrites.com

Ashes - Semi-contained psychological horror thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: February 28th, 2025, 6:34pm Report to Moderator
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Ahoy James.

Um, sounds like a high stakes thriller.

PK's right - it's a good strong start. Methinks minor tweak to enhance clarity.

Hm, "An ageing city couple" could be more specific. Perhaps a retired couple or a weary city couple...

Consider an alternate: "Unknowingly" rent...

"Twisted sense of family" is intriguing, but methinks something more visceral could add impact. -A


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khamanna
Posted: February 28th, 2025, 7:12pm Report to Moderator
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I agree - good idea and all is there.
Tweaked a bit:

An aging city couple eager for a fresh start in the countryside soon discovers their charming young landlord harbors a chilling secret. Cut off from the outside world, they must outsmart hi or become the newest additions to his deranged idea of family.
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PKCardinal
Posted: February 28th, 2025, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, I just think if you give us a few of the details...there might be something in there worth adding. (As much as we writers hate it...there are no "secrets" in a logline.)

So, between "secret" and "twisted sense of family" more specificity would probably help. But, we'll see, once you check back in.


PaulKWrites.com

Ashes - Semi-contained psychological horror thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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James A McCormick
Posted: March 2nd, 2025, 2:36pm Report to Moderator
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Really, really appreciate the feedback above - thank you for taking the time to help me out.

The terrifying secret is the landlord (20), someone brutalized and traumatized in his youth/ someone who killed his own parents and then led a tortured life under a cult until her burnt them all alive (I know, a lot of backstory) is looking for parent surrogates and has killed previous tenants when they haven't measured up to his perfect, puritanical ideals.

Regarding couple, they're middle aged so perhaps "ageing" might be a bit too strong- the idea is to contrast this with the nemesis character's youth.

I like "cut off from the outside world" thank you.

I'll also take out secret and see if I can rework it.

Thanks again everyone


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James A McCormick  -  March 3rd, 2025, 4:15am
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PKCardinal
Posted: March 3rd, 2025, 4:58pm Report to Moderator
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I'm just trying to see if there's a nugget of info related to his past that would make the logline more powerful.

So...he wants the perfect parents...kills the imperfect...that's interesting. Maybe explore how to work that in.

Does the couple have any backstory related to children...as in did they have any? Did they want a child and couldn't conceive? Is the landlord in any way a surrogate for what's missing in their lives? (Doesn't have to be...again, I'm just looking for possibilities...a sense of irony, which is always good for loglines.)


PaulKWrites.com

Ashes - Semi-contained psychological horror thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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LC
Posted: March 3rd, 2025, 5:58pm Report to Moderator
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James, we need to add a working title in the Review my Logline help. Let me know and I'll edit it so it can be found easily in the future, or you can do it yourself.


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James A McCormick
Posted: March 4th, 2025, 6:53pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for letting me know- I have now updated it with the title.
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James A McCormick
Posted: March 4th, 2025, 7:06pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Paul,
the couple are childless because they never had time with their careers. They do feel the lack of not having children and the female protagonist has a maternal feeling for the landlord character at first until she realises he is unhinged.  When the couple mention adoption and then take in a stray dog their landlord doesn't take it well (to say the least0 the dog ends up in bits in the washing machine)
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