What's the B.C. Scene? I read this a month ago.

Quoted from Felipe What's the B.C. Scene? I read this a month ago.

I'm referring to British Columbia.
Roger's off tracking his lead in that cheap to shoot picaresque area.
It's replete with Deliverance transplants!

Regards,
E.D.

Alrighty then... back to the wilds of British Columbia.
Let's see if those Deliverance types deliver on the stereotype...

P. 61
Meeting the thugs...
Is it just me or is this story "de-foucusing" at times?
Mucho character intros in the second act...
But they're mostly hired hands or cranky bureaucrats.
Typically when the reader spends time with these types...
We learn plot that the protag is not privy to. Where's the plot?
How long has it been since the story pushed forward?
Feels like twenty pages to me, but I could be wrong.

P. 63
The two pages of pure thug exposition didn't go down well.
Especially right after we know the protag has met a key figure.
Methinks I'm getting a tad antsy with this one.

P. 68
Again with two more pages of thug small talk on the jet. Meh.
And that's after the key plot guy told the protag to sleep.
No sleep. Plot now. I'm a desperate protag out for revenge.
Why the delay? These last ten pages have felt very standoffish.

Stopping at page 74 today...

I wasn't impressed with Norman's exposition.
Seems odd to me the way he unravels the plot in a linear manner.
He's not scared, not a hint of paranoia.
This thriller's mid section feels too relaxed for my taste.

But overall the writing is clean and the pages move along.
Tyler can certainly keep the format flow going.

E.D.

Quoted Text This thriller's mid section feels too relaxed for my taste.

Yup. And there's an easy fix, I think. I'll wait til you finish to run it by you.

Well, I better get this one wrapped up...
I'm interested to hear some development suggestions.
Picking up from page 74 this morning...

P. 78
Doesn't make much sense to me the wolfdog would stay quiet.
His master is downstairs with all that ruckus?
That animal would be alert barking like crazy IMEO.

P. 80
The knife fight here feels particularly overwritten.

P. 82
It's borderline laughable Ambrose & Arroyo chat about cash and loose ends...
While the target is getting away! Seriously?

P. 88
Feels off to me Ambrose returned to D.C. so quickly.
He could've commandeered Norman's truck back to Deliveranceville.
And more thug banter at the ball game. Bleh.

P. 91
The old distract the thug with an elevator stunt didn't go over well with me.
Felt very Die Hard-sih for a script that's channeling it's inner Manchruian Candidate.

P. 92
This straightforward office attack feels foolish to me.
Why not follow the guy home and get him where he's vulnerable?

Stopping at 94 today...
Is it just me or does it feel like the script gets more overwritten as it goes along?

I wonder if the logline contest it was sprung from is responsible in a way...
The contest sponsor would work on ten page chunks with the author.
But it seems to me they super polished the first act more than anything else.

To be continued.

E.D.

I didn't take notes when I read it, and that was 2 or 3 months ago. I don't recall if the beginning was more polished, but I think that's the way with most scripts. For one thing, as we all write on word processors, we continuously polish the early parts of a script as we write.

Another issue, one I am struggling with now with a script, is the challenge of tying up loose ends to finish a script. It's a lot easier to create the loose ends than it is to tie them up. I remember thinking he wasn't real sure how to wrap this baby up. The scenes at the end seemed rushed and a little like a 007 spoof.

I don't think the logline contest would have much impact on the writing. I suspect, not know, just suspect, that the sponsor would have little or nothing to say about the writing itself. These guys really focus on story at that level.

A note on the success of this script and what it's meant for the writer: it seems the script one that contest last year, but then didn't go anywhere. It was when he paid Carson for coverage, and Carson fell in love with it, that it took off. So the writer owes Carson big.

But it's worked both ways. The discovery of this script has really changed Carson's life too, so the script must have impressed some important people after Carson brought it to the public's attention.

I'm not sure what overall lesson to take. The script has its imperfections, many of them Brett astutely points out. But then, I've read a lot of optioned scripts this year, and most of them are seriously flawed as well. Maybe if we think about scripts as the first step in the process towards a film, a process that will include many revisions by producers and directors, it helps. Producers are not necessarily looking for something that will be filmed as written, but something that can be turned into something profitable with development.

For example, the famous Assassin/nurse scene here. It's not realistic, even kind of silly. But to the popcorn crowd, it would also be kind of cool. Something they would remember and talk about.

I think he keeps the story basically moving. While it drags a little in the middle, it doesn't die. I think he has a sense of pacing. And he is a new writer, so he probably will improve quite a bit. The whole process of watching the journey of this script and the writer has been interesting.

Quoted from leitskev I don't think the logline contest would have much impact on the writing. I suspect, not know, just suspect, that the sponsor would have little or nothing to say about the writing itself. These guys really focus on story at that level.

Hey Kev,

Yeah, loose ends are slippery buggers...
That's why I put them on index cards and pin them down on cork boards.

http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2012/02/screenplay-review-disciple-program.html

There's a section in the article that details the process...
After getting selected from the logline list, there's a bit of development for the winners.
And that included polishing the script ten pages at a time.

I could be wrong, but that's just how this script feels to me.
Very smooth first third, but the brew's gone bitter for me as it unfolds.

E.D.

Sprinting to the finish today.
It's raining out, so I've got no excuses.
Fill that morning workout with some Manchurian Candidate mayhem instead.
Well, hopefully...

P. 96
Here's what I was afraid of...
Pages of exposition culminating in mindless automatons.
The laziest outcome completely devoid of character conflict.
One of the most compelling aspects of Manchurian for me was the CONFLICT.
The struggle to retain one's identity in the face of subversive adversaries...
Where even your mother will objectify you for her own agenda!
To me, that's what drives Frankenheimer's film so well...
And that film's protag is an INSIDER fighting his way through the condition.
The Disciple Program is all about an OUTSIDER learning a story that killed his wife.
The premise leaves so little room for internal character conflict.

P. 103
This is one of the oddest unfilmables I've ever seen...
And trust that it took longer to describe than it did to transpire.

Take a sledgehammer to that fourth wall why don't you?
It's like Shane Black hijacked the script for two seconds.

P. 107
This all feels too sedate for my tastes.
There's little to no visual punch on the page...
Why aren't we seeing flashes of what Roger did as his life unravels?
The torment, anguish... the suffering. It's all truncated through exposition.

P. 108
I don't buy that Roger walks away without asking the question...
Why does Horace help Roger? But our protag just walks away...
Doesn't even bother asking the question. That rings false to me.

P. 111
Fuch's line here is my favorite in the entire script...
Because if I was a speck on the
horizon and you were standing at
the CIA’s doorstep, they’d shove
you aside to take a shot at me.

Succinct. Uses metaphor. Demonstrates some humor. Nice.

Finished.
There's one thing I haven't touched on so far during this read...
The script's act structure... I never felt the story had a third act.
If the second act was bubble gum...
The author stretched it out over the entire rest of the story.
Never felt higher risks or intensified stakes at all.
Sure, we got some fairly horrifying news, but...
The sense of urgency stayed constant throughout.
Roger didn't have to stretch himself or do anything he hasn't done before.
I never felt the uptick that an impending climax should bring.

That and Edmund was by far the most interesting character.
And he got an unceremonious and vague death just for being cool.
First act smoothness aside, I wouldn't follow these Disciples to a bus stop.

E.D.

Quoted Text Never felt higher risks or intensified stakes at all. Sure, we got some fairly horrifying news, but... The sense of urgency stayed constant throughout.

Yes! And this is where I think he has an easy fix:

Roger(is that the protag's name? I forget) should discover around the midpoint that he has the chip in his head. Yeah, the writer wants that for his big third act twist. But think of what it would do for the stakes and the urgency. In every scene, Roger will be terrified that the killer inside him will be turned on. He has no idea how the signal will arrive. By phone, by radio broadcast, over the TV. Everything is a threat. He has to stop those in control as soon as possible, or God knows what they will make him do.

To me, if he did this with the story, the whole thing is super charged right at the mid point. Right when it needs to be.

He can still have the twist at the end where he finds out he was the one who killed his wife.

I've learned many things from watching this script's rise. But what has impacted me the most and changed the way I look at scripts, and film, is the potential power of the midpoint. We tend to look at the turn into two and into three as the two big hinges on which stories turn. I think this makes us neglect the midpoint, which I think could be more important in many stories.

We all tend to want to put our big memorable twist near the end. Maybe Hitchcock did that to us. And I love those stories too. But that is not the only way to build a railroad.

If you have one big twist, why not consider moving it to the midpoint? There can still be a clear turning point at the end of two. But the thing that kicks us in the ass and brings us back to the edge of our seat...that should come at the midpoint. And if you do that, you can avoid the dreaded black hole at the second half of the second act. This script is a perfect example, I think, of how that could really save a story.

The ending felt rushed and didn't really make much sense. Convenient at times. And yet the script made this guy's career. Why?

Because people make up their minds on a script LONG before the end. So heavy artillery used there are largely wasted. The battle is mostly decided in the first act. For a spec script by an unknown writer to have a chance, the first act has to blow the reader away. If it does, he will read on just to make sure the script doesn't fall apart, as many do. The script will have a lot of credibility going into the second act with the reader, a perfect time for "fun and games", story B, or whatever. But then something BIG has to happen at the midpoint to reinvigorate the read. If it does, the script is sold. The second half doesn't matter.

I've only had 2 people contact me about producing features of mine. And both times, the reader did not read the second half of the script! Granted, these were not big producers or even close to it, but I suspect they still give evidence to how it often works. If the reader is going to be excited about a script, he either is or isn't by the midpoint. If he isn't, the script has no chance. If he is, you've already won, unless something really awful happens to the second half of the script.

That's what I've taken away most from The Disciple, and it doesn't even have the big midpoint, ironically. But it got me thinking.

Finished up on this yesterday and I really enjoyed it on the whole. I found most if not all the characters were well drawn up, memorable and the dialogue throughout was excellent.

There were some brilliant scenes, the opening with Jocelyn and Edmund was great, as well as when Nurse Kathy and the Arsonist met their fate. The metal plate was an inspired move and that whole scene was so tense.

Also enjoyed the drone coming into play in the last scene to kill off the Doc who seemed to getting away but definitely agree with Carson’s review about this coming into play earlier in the script.

Yes I agree about the middle act being a bit slow especially with such a great first act and the “you get some sleep, we’re talk in the morning” part, which was not good and felt out of place but apart from that…I had no problems. One of my favourite scenes was the exchange between Ambrose and Arroyo on the jet, but in truth, I loved all dialogue in this script.

One thing I would say is the exposition was good IMO, every new bit of information given shed more light on the plot and built the story to its conclusion, it never felt like the author threw it in because the story was lacking and needed something. Every plot point came at the right time for me and I have to say that I was surprised by the reveal of Roger being his own wife’s killer.

A very enjoyable script and I can see why this was so well thought of and got picked up.

For anyone who didn't know.  No doubt Scriptshadow played a big role as we all know.  Is anyone thinking about doing the Amateur Friday?

http://www.deadline.com/2012/05/universal-buys-the-disciple-program-as-mark-wahlberg-vehicle/

Ghostie

So Universal won the bidding rights. That's great but...

...Mark Wahlberg to star? Don't know about that.

It was a good script and will be fantastic to see it on the big screen.

The story of this script's sale is awesome on several levels.

1) it was a spec script. Granted, the idea stemmed from a contest where they give you the log, but that actually had nothing to do with it's being discovered. It's still a spec.

2) the writer had no industry connections, and did not live in LA.

3) the writer did not have an agent when the script was discovered. Granted, Carson Reeves ended up kind of like an agent with his blog.

4) it's not a perfect script. It's not bullet proof. But it has enough of what studios are looking for.

This is not an impossible industry. If...if...one can write a script that will make a good movie, the odds are they will find work. EVERYONE thinks they can write a great script, and the reality is it's very, very hard. But if you can in fact write one, the odds are better than you think.

One other thing that should encourage people. I remember reading in the interview with Carson that the writer had sent Carson a script a year before, paid Carson for coverage I think. Carson did not care for the script. We all know script opinions are subjective, but what was clear was that Carson felt the writer had really grown in that year. So the key is to find the time and the energy to keep writing. Hopefully this success story fires everyone up!

Quoted from leitskev The story of this script's sale is awesome on several levels. 1) it was a spec script. Granted, the idea stemmed from a contest where they give you the log, but that actually had nothing to do with it's being discovered. It's still a spec. 2) the writer had no industry connections, and did not live in LA. 3) the writer did not have an agent when the script was discovered. Granted, Carson Reeves ended up kind of like an agent with his blog. 4) it's not a perfect script. It's not bullet proof. But it has enough of what studios are looking for. This is not an impossible industry. If...if...one can write a script that will make a good movie, the odds are they will find work. EVERYONE thinks they can write a great script, and the reality is it's very, very hard. But if you can in fact write one, the odds are better than you think. One other thing that should encourage people. I remember reading in the interview with Carson that the writer had sent Carson a script a year before, paid Carson for coverage I think. Carson did not care for the script. We all know script opinions are subjective, but what was clear was that Carson felt the writer had really grown in that year. So the key is to find the time and the energy to keep writing. Hopefully this success story fires everyone up!

Nice post, Kev

I agree that this should encourage or like you say fire everyone up. This was a spec script from a author with no connections although Carson Reeves did help in it's journey no doubt.

What matters most here is that it shows if you have a good enough story which is sellable then there is always a chance and I like the idea of that.

Good on Tyler Marceca.

Hey.  Would be most greatful if someone could email me a copy of this script.

Thanks.

Yohn.