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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  Miami Vice: A New Darkness - OWC Moderators: DanC
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  Author    Miami Vice: A New Darkness - OWC  (currently 2550 views)
Don
Posted: June 2nd, 2018, 11:17am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Miami Vice: A New Darkness by Eric Dixon (Jack) writing as Eric Dixon - Series, Action - Vice detective JJ Baumbach forms a temporary partnership with flashy, silk suit wearing federal agent Lionel Hayes as the two infiltrate the dark underbelly of organized crime in Miami.   24 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Miami Vice - IMDB, Wiki, Video/Trailer



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  July 3rd, 2018, 2:54pm
revised draft
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Cameron
Posted: June 3rd, 2018, 1:47am Report to Moderator
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Hey writer, Eric...is that your real name?? If so I'm guessing you're a newbie, but the challenge is supposed to be anonymous, so next time round avoid that!

The script then...look, you've clearly put a hell of a lot into it so I'll be as kind as I can. There's reams of text here and unfortunately you've really piled it into the page count with a max 24. I have been picked up on it a few times but less really is more, in the descriptions especially. Don't describe every last detail, it'll read like prose and it's basically over egging the piece. There's massive speels of dialogue too, just reign it in.

Some of the formatting is off, but hang around these parts on the forums and you'll sort that out. It's somewhere in between a short script and a shooting script, in my opinion, but if you take an axe to it and cut it down you could have something here.

It wasn't for me but you've got a talent for visualisation, and whilst it may sound like reductive advice, just learn to reign it in and describe in a few words what's going on.

All the best,

Cam
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CameronD
Posted: June 3rd, 2018, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
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Pretty detailed action descriptions. But as it's written well I can live with it. Working overtime to make everything cool.

Chango is a bit too heavy on exposition for me.

What's the point of the egg deal? I'm lost. Is JJ undercover? Should I just be patient? Also, late in, early out.

Oh, you cut right to him arrested. Ok, nice. But still, the gator egg scene could be cut down.

Problem. Illegal gator poaching by itself isn't strong enough to set big enough stakes. I'm reading this and am starting not to care. You haven't developed JJ or Aldrich any. Your logline says they are investigating crime in Miami but it sounds like we're spending the whole show in the everglades. Can you tighten this up? And quick?

Oh damn! 12 pages and we're just now rolling credits? Way way way too long.

What's with all these new cops in the mall? You also spend 4 minutes of screen time simply having them track a suspect. You gotta be tighter. The over writing is hurting your script.

Skimming now just to see if Hayes even shows up. Hooray! He does! But not until pg 21!

You started out semi strong but got way too lost in your own writing after that first scene. I skimmed at the end but do the gators ever come back and mean anything? Why spend half your script on them if they don't then as it looks like you spend time at a mall and then the police dept afterwards.

You can write. But this story is all over the place. I'm not sure if you even know what your story is. Great effort. But needs a much better foundation.


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ericdickson
Posted: June 3rd, 2018, 8:08pm Report to Moderator
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I've been binge watching Vice for weeks now and tried to follow what I observed to be a repeat pattern.  There is always a long pre-title sequence involving the officers in some sort of undercover sting that somehow goes awry.  Typically 5 minutes.  Mine was a bit longer given this is meant to be a 2 hour pilot.  (I should've mentioned that).  Hence the gator poacher Cuban in The Everglades.  

In most Vice episodes, the pre title operations are inconsequential to the actual goings on in the episode.  It is meant to lead the characters into what will become the real story.  

The El Chango character and the other poachers were a simple way to open the series and show an atypical "undercover operation" these guys may find themselves in.  I tried to do something that was unique and not simply a retread of the original show.  Drugs, guns, etc.  

It was also a way to show how the character of JJ has been sent into hiding on a deep cover assignment (on loan to the Feds) following his shooting of a prominent Jamaican gangsters brother.  This all comes out in dialogue by page 3.  

We also learn that after the redneck poacher is busted in an undercover sting, the Feds have zero interest in El Chango which irritates JJ.  They are simply interested in busting a ring of dirty cops taking money from the poachers.  And JJ then expresses his intense boredom with hiding out in The Glades and busting poachers.  

By the next scene, The Jamaicans have somehow discovered his whereabouts.  I'm setting up a premise that someone on the inside, i.e. The Feds, has led The Jamaicans to his secret undercover whereabouts.  

And what's up with the other cops at The Mall?  I'm introducing the rest of the cast.  They are the supporting players and am using a long action sequence to introduce their playful interaction.  By the scene's end, Charlie is killed by The Jamaicans in what appears to be a pre planned set up.  


As JJ returns to Vice Squad, he blames himself for Charlie's death at the hands of the Jamaicans and vows to make the purse snatcher talk.  He is then introduced to what will become his new partner, federal agent Lionel Hayes.  Hayes explains how someone in the FBI is leaking the identities of undercover officers in the field and having cops killed.  End of page 24.

As in the original pilot, Crockett and Tubbs jump through a lot of hoops and plot points before they actually meet face to face.  If I remember correctly, they don't begin working together for at least 25 minutes into the pilot episode.   Their investigations somehow cross paths, forcing them to form an unlikely bond.

There needs to be a slow build up to their first meet up as to build excitement and suspense.   At least this is what I tried to do.  

I cranked this whole thing out in two one hour sittings and it's def a bit on the verbose side but I do stand behind how I've structured the story and introduced the characters.    


  



      
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Cameron
Posted: June 3rd, 2018, 8:32pm Report to Moderator
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Hey writer, it's an anonymous challenge so save a copy of what you've just written there and post it when they do the reveal in a week or so!!

Cam
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Talldave
Posted: June 5th, 2018, 5:22pm Report to Moderator
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It was good, but it felt a bit played out. Hard to explain, but it was very middle of the road work all around. I’m actually at a loss for words here, because I feel like there wasn’t really a lot wrong, but I wish you took more chances to pump up the script.

It’s a challenge, challenge yourself to do some ridiculous new thing, because people are going to criticize your work no matter what. Might as well use it to learn something new about yourself as a writer.
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EWall433
Posted: June 6th, 2018, 1:57am Report to Moderator
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Um, I'm gonna pretend the writer didn't just out themselves and post my notes as is  

The dialogue is good, but there’s too much of it. The scenes run longer than they need to and it could all benefit from some tightening

Okay, so we’re Rolling Credits 12 minutes into the show, and I’m assuming you can see the problem with that. Teasers usually take only a few minutes at most. I know it’s labeled ACT ONE, but still, credits don’t happen at the end of Act One.

I like the set-up of the whole team potentially being hunted. Seems like a strong story line that could carry a season of the show. Structure-wise, my mind’s wondering if Glasco’s death wouldn’t serve as a better teaser up front, possibly leading to the attempt on JJ acting as a cliffhanger at the end.

The spirit of Miami Vice certainly seemed to be there and it was appropriately updated. There were a lot of characters rushed through, though. To be expected I suppose, considering the constraints, but it does make it harder to get a feel for the whole team. Besides JJ, it’s hard to keep track of who is important or meaningful. And even with JJ, I wanted to know a little more than just ‘determined cop’.
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khamanna
Posted: June 6th, 2018, 8:38am Report to Moderator
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I liked the writing here. The descriptions are pretty impressive, especially the description of the characters.

Then they started talking, and while they are pretty colorful and well drawn they sound the same to me.
Also, they all seem to be doing the same thing - trying to convince the other party is wrong and persuade someone to do something.
4 first scenes are about two people talking - the people are different for the most part. All of them have some agenda - which is a good thing. However, their talk sounds a bit of repetitive. And you do not provide us with much action (apart from place and character's description) which is unfortunate.

I do think you should restructure this, let us get into the story faster. I can't make any concrete suggestions though, sorry.
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Spqr
Posted: June 6th, 2018, 2:15pm Report to Moderator
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The original Miami Vice was a hit because it was glitzy, featured stylishly dressed unconventional cops, and had the ugliest boss cop ever. It was these surface qualities that contributed to the show's success, because there was nothing special about the stories.
A New Darkness is well written, but since it wasn't complete, there's no way to tell if it's special enough to launch a reboot.
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ericdickson
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I appreciate everyone's time and thoughtful notes.  This 24 pages was really thrown together with a few beers and about a day's work.  I know it's super dialogue heavy but what I was aiming for was the first 24 minutes (Act I) of a 2 hour pilot episode, as was the original Vice.  

Of course, no one but me knew that and by first glance, 24 pages is a long way to go before introducing JJ's future partner and the series co-star (Hayes).  This is about how long it took Crockett to meet Tubbs in the very first episode.  

I sort of strayed from the rules and basic concept of telling an entire story within the framework of 5 to 24 pages.  In that respect, and within the construct of this contest, this is a failure.  I totally get it

So...

I'm thinking of changing the title and doing a feature length original work based on the concept of my first act.  I do recognize I completely ripped off Swytek, Zito, Gina and Trudy.   But I can always go back and re work the characters.    
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ericdickson
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Quoted from Spqr
The original Miami Vice was a hit because it was glitzy, featured stylishly dressed unconventional cops, and had the ugliest boss cop ever. It was these surface qualities that contributed to the show's success, because there was nothing special about the stories.
A New Darkness is well written, but since it wasn't complete, there's no way to tell if it's special enough to launch a reboot.


I agree with you to an extent.  I believe the attraction of the show was the cars, girls, clothes and music.  After going back and re-watching this series from beginning to end, I do appreciate the writing for the most part.  At nine and ten years old, I never cared about such things and just liked the cars and girls.  But there was some snappy writing in a lot of the episodes.  The Prodigal Son, Out Where The Buses Don't Run, Freefall, Shadow in the Dark, When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.  All of the Calderon story lines with John Leguizamo.  This was all great stuff!  
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JEStaats
Posted: June 8th, 2018, 5:33pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Yeah, so...I didn't mind this so much. It really came across as a grittier, more contemporary, Miami Vice. There was a lot of dialog and banter and I seem to remember that in the original. And the detail, wow, the casting agent's got their work cut out for them to find a pock-marked, lazy-eyed actor.

All in all, I liked it. If you hadn't outed yourself to let us know that it would run as a two-hour pilot, I wouldn't have thought that much about it. Good luck with it and post the rest when its done.
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ericdickson
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Appreciate it.  I'm letting it simmer for now, probably go back to it in a couple weeks.
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SAC
Posted: June 9th, 2018, 11:52pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

I really wanted to like this, but I bailed on page 13. I just didn't connect with the story. By page 13 if I can't figure what's happening yet, then I don't suspect things will get much clearer. This is way dialogue heavy, and sometimes that's a good thing, but what I was reading it seems a lot of it didn't pertain to the story, but gave us an overly long background. I kept wondering when this story was gonna get going, and it just felt like it never would. I think you made a very big mistake by not including the names Crockett and Tubbs. It seems you have all new characters, and I just wasn't feeling it.

Steve


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Gary in Houston
Posted: June 11th, 2018, 11:00am Report to Moderator
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Some quality writing on display here, just too much of it in my opinion.  Very descriptive and the action blocks go on for a bit. Be a little more lean and mean in your descriptions. Can you say in 30 words  what you just said in 60?

That said, I didn’t really feel anything for the characters other than JJ, and even then he was a bit one-note for me. The story didn’t really get interesting to me until Glasco was doing his thing, and then unfortunately he’s gone before we know it.  It sounds like you have other ideas for this from the comments so the only suggestion I can really give you is to really tighten it up and skim off the excess descriptions.

Also, just an aside from me:  Brooding, sullen, angry, dark cops seem to be all the rage on tv these days, but it’s getting to be overkill from my point of view.  You want to stand out, then you need to find a different perspective, a different hook for your characters.  Just my opinion.

Still, good work here.

Best of luck,
Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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ReneC
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I like this a lot. The set up is great, though I wondered if Navaro was going to be one of the mains. Turns out he is, just not on the good side, which works fine by me.

The writing is strong, great visuals and flavour. I like Chango's dialogue, even with all the exposition I found it enjoyable. Good job there. You use Akeem for dialogue but the character is called Navaro everywhere. Be consistent with names.

I missed that a random Jamaican tried to blow up JJ in his home. You already described Navaro as Jamaican, I thought it was him again, and that guy got killed but they still want him? Easy to avoid that kind of confusion by making sure that when you introduce characters it's clear who they are and differentiate them from other characters better.

I liked everything in the mall, it's a great way to introduce the rest of the team. I didn't see Glasco's death coming, nice job with that and a great way to force JJ's return to VICE.

It starts to go off the rails a bit once Hayes is introduced. It's unclear who he is, the way he calls JJ "cop" (frequently, cut that down) suggests he isn't one but then you basically say he is by how the others are impressed with his policework. And he's just Mr. Exposition, not a great introduction to his character, other than heavily pointing out that he doesn't think much of JJ and his crew. At pages 20-24 this should be action time in an hour-long episode, not having a pages long conversation. But I get that the limitations of the challenge might have worked against you here, and I do like that Hayes comes up with the idea to get the purse-snatcher to talk. He finally contributes and shows he has value, which is needed. Too bad it comes after him sitting and judging from a chair.

You didn't even attempt to make this complete for the challenge. Fair enough, you called it a sample and I'll buy that. I'd read more, it's a show I would watch, it's a faithful reboot...good job all around, even with its shortcomings.


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ericdickson
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Thanks, Rene.  Yeah I sort of binge wrote this in a few hours with the idea being it would be the Act 1 of a two hour pilot.  I tried to follow the formula set by the first episode Brother's Keeper where Crocket and Tubbs are introduced 25 minutes in as their investigations cross paths.

Only problem is, I don't have a beginning, middle and end as this is only the first Act of the pilot.  This has been the script's downfall.  That, and the fact that I'm disqualified for putting my  name on the title page like a dummy

I'll be posting some actual reviews in the next couple of days.  It's been a long long week and haven't had time to read these scripts to completion.  

Eric
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ChrisBodily
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I see Baumbach and Hayes have replaced Crockett and Tubbs.

Jack, I'm gonna spare you from you-know-what. It seems you've learned your lesson. Next time, try to come up with a pseudonym (e.g. George P. Fakename or whatever you can think of) or just leave it blank.

You're a tad over the page limit. Let's see how this goes.

Bald cypress is a tree of some sort. And egret is a bird. I had to google both of these.


Quoted Text
A tiny egret prances along the skim in pursuit of a fish but just loses it.


Loses what? The fish? His temper? His mind/marbles?


Quoted Text
Some more birds are perched in the branches overhead and all is peaceful in the world.


How do we know this? Are you going to give us an epis montage of every oart of the world being peaceful? If not, it's unfilmable.

Be careful of prose-y overwriting.


Quoted Text
Suddenly, the BUMP of CUBAN RAP MUSIC sends the birds in the trees flapping away.


Gee, Toto...



I have a feeling we're not in Kansas Africa the 80s anymore.

"tank[-]topped"

Why didn't you CAP the Latino driver?

What kind of rap music are you thinking of? Run-DMC? DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince (Will Smith)? The Fat Boys? Or more like Tupac or Biggie? Or Kendrick Lamar or Kanye?

The "shirtless bruisers" should be CAPPED.

Bling??? It's definitely not the 80s anymore. Who's President in your script? Is Reagan alive? Does Phil Collins have hair?


Quoted Text
Welcome to the jungle


Wait, is it the 80s or not?

You need to CAP these characters. Not looking good right now.

CONT'D is almost never necessary.


Quoted Text
As you can see, [I]t's work hard, play hard around here.  The word is out.  Everybody know, with me... the clock never stops and my doors are always open.  As you can see [W]ith that much business, the competition can get pretty stiff.


Too long! Trim it a bit.


Quoted Text
It's real simple.  With me, you get the protection other poachers don't get.  I'm talking legal protection.  These local cops are a joke.  To them, we're just thinning the herd. As long as they get a piece of the action, everyone's happy.  The Feds?  Now that's another story altogether.


Ditto.


Quoted Text
Home is where you make it.  Yeah, I could be back in the clubs, sitting in a chair with a bulls eye on my chest.  Running numbers and waiting for The Feds to come and get me.  But there's no future in flashy crime anymore, Mi Amigo.  That shit went out of style a long time ago.  Today, gangsters wear Brooks Brothers and sit in front of microphones.  [y]ou don't need no gun to steal.  Just the right connections.


Holy dialogue, Batman! Shorten it.


Quoted Text
Last month, I get approached by an agent with the Wildlife Commission.  Tells me for the right price, I can keep the right people off my back.  Game farm applications.  Limited entry permits.  Hunting and fishing licenses.  Anything I wanted.  We're talking unlimited access.  Anyone that wants to do business with me gets [A]utomatic federal protection.


I think I just saved you one or two pages just by trimming dialogue. Make sure your characters are more than just talking heads floating in space. Have him take a drink or smoke a cigar or something.


Quoted Text
Akeem isn't impressed and shoots Chango a stern look.


So far, I'm not impressed, either. One thing that made Miami Vice, Miami Vice was the 80s MTV aesthetic. Currently, I don't even get a current music video aesthetic, much less a vintage one. A contemporary soundtrack isn't enough.

The show was edited like 80s music videos and featured bright, 80s colors. Reboot or not, I'm getting none of this from your script.

Your dialogue is way too wordy. Even Tarantino is more succinct. Even Shakespeare. Unless your character's name is Quint, I'd say four or five lines is pushing it. Listen to how people talk in real life; we don't speak in 16-page speeches every time we open our mouths.


Quoted Text
I know, I know.  What does any of this have to do with me[?]  I get it.



Quoted Text
Turns out[,] it was all too good to be true.  My guy on the inside says some puto gator farmer's been doing some sniffing around.  Asking a lot of questions about me.


That's what I'm talking about.


Quoted Text
Chango picks up a manila file from off a wooden bench and hands it to Akeem[,] who opens and takes a look.


Had to google "dress blue" and it appears to be a Marine's uniform. Correct? If so, that's hardly the white leisure suit Don Johnson made famous.



Quoted Text
Dude's a cop.  OCD Task Force out of vice.  But you already know that.


Then why are you telling him?


Quoted Text
And when the cops come looking at me for it[,] you're in the free and clear.



Quoted Text
Like I said, Mi Amigo.  That's just not my game anymore.
(beat)
Of course, I can't make you do anything you don't want.  Tell you what.  You keep that.  Think it over.


"jacked[-]up [pickup]"

"Ballcap" is one word.

"loaded[-]down bed[,] which"

I don't know about a redneck calling someone "brother," unless it's their actual brother. Just like I couldn't imagine a white senior citizen (seriously) rapping or dressing as such.

Wait... is he a black redneck? Does such a thing even exist? Then again, redneck rappers exist.



Dino eggs? What is this, Jurassic Park/World? This is stretching suspension of disbelief to paper-thin levels. Nothing about this reboot reads Miami Vice. None of it. I'm out on page 6. Sorry, Jack.


FADE IN:
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FrankM
Posted: June 19th, 2018, 3:57pm Report to Moderator
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Well, now I know that dino eggs is slang for crocodile eggs. And knowing is half the battle.

Some of the character descriptions feel way too specific, as if you have pre-decided the casting. Forget finding a man with a lazy eye, what about a 400-pound Hispanic man, or a light-skinned African-American woman with green eyes? Some actors wear color-contacts for one reason or another, but there's usually a story-driven reason (for example the series Humans, and even that might be done with VFX). Your descriptions sound like they're coming from a book rather than a spec script. Those incredibly detailed descriptions you see in award-winning scripts are almost certainly revised after casting to match who actually landed the role.

Minor point, not sure if you picked up on anyone else mentioning it, but opening credits on PAGE TWELVE? I'm kidding, I remember Battlestar Galactica episodes routinely running 8 or 9 minutes before the credits, and this opening will probably be in that ballpark once edited.

There is no indication in the script that this is Act I of a two-hour pilot. There is a hint in that we never see Act II or later, but to me it's more likely that an OWC script would accidentally omit act breaks than simply cut off at the end of Act I. This problem is really specific to this OWC, but I would have put something like "Act I of two-hour pilot episode" on the title page. Remember that a two-hour pilot needs to break cleanly into a two-parter for reruns, including a cliffhanger leading up to the midpoint.

I otherwise had no problems with the writing, allowing for its early-draft state and that it's going to get trimmed down.

Nice detail with the gator-skin boots. Wonder if that was intentional to bother JJ. Maybe it's just me, but I didn't pick up on whatever the amazing policework was. If the characters need to describe something explicitly, it's usually because the actor couldn't pull of what was written. They'll only say on-screen that someone is beautiful, or charismatic, or brilliant, etc. if it doesn't really come across that way on-screen otherwise. There are exceptions to this, especially if a character is discussed before appearing, but that's the general rule I've noticed.

This is the start of a good reboot.


Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
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Zack
Posted: June 20th, 2018, 1:54pm Report to Moderator
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Pretty good writing here, although the action descriptions are a bit overwritten. Put some white on these pages! Lol

Never seen the original show, but I did watch the Michael Mann movie and remember liking it alright.

This wasn't bad by any means, I was able to visualize it for the most part.

Unfortunately I wasn't able to get a good feel for any of the characters. The dialog was decent, but no one really stood out to me.

Cop dramas just aren't my thing, sorry to say. Would love to see what you'd do with a horror flick.

Really good effort though.

~Zack~
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ericdickson
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Okay, so I'm thinking about completing a 95 page pilot episode and reworking Act 1.  First episode will focus on how the typically low brow vice squad receives federal funding to become the O.C.B. (Organized Crime Bureau) following the attempt on JJ's life.  


I'll try to get a first draft up before end of July.  


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ReneC
Posted: June 21st, 2018, 10:18am Report to Moderator
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A pilot only needs to be around 60 pages. 95 is a feature film.


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ericdickson
Posted: June 21st, 2018, 5:46pm Report to Moderator
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A two hour pilot with commercials is around 95 to 100 minutes.  I don't know.  I just enjoy the idea of seeing if I could pull off at least one season of full episodes.  It would be lots of fun and great practice as far as developing multiple characters.  


I'll finish the pilot movie and see if it gets a following or not.  Then I'll attempt a second episode.  
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: June 22nd, 2018, 4:56pm Report to Moderator
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The writer is talented and took some nice risks IMO that paid off visually, although it’s somewhat overwritten in places. Most unfilmables were appropriate, others like location descriptions were too much like the mall/fire code bit.

I enjoyed the first sequence, and the writer displayed some good showmanship by pacing the dialogue correctly with what was visually happening in the story. The dialogue was seamless and came across authentic. The story itself felt average, but nevertheless engaging. I thought the sequence with JJ leaping from the house was great, original and detailed.

Considering the caliber of writing here, the characters’ description and how amazing they look stands out in a dull way.

The impact of the mall scene was saved by the death of Glasco. It was unexpected and, again, the photo being dropped on his chest was a nice touch. I’d suggest not cutting straight to the team, bummed out and Glasco’s death revealed to JJ. I’d think it’d be way more tense if Livia, Munz, and Cappeli would do a light interrogation on JJ before they reveal to him where it was found.

Towards the end, I thought the cop talk began to show too thick when the pace would be better suited for getting to know the characters better. I guess that seems nitpicky, but the only character beat I got from vice was bourbon chicken. The opening sequence was handled much better.

End of sample. Okay. I respect the writing and this script could easily wear a new outfit other than Miami Vice. Good luck!
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ericdickson
Posted: June 26th, 2018, 11:51am Report to Moderator
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I really took these notes to heart and decided to finish the proposed pilot episode.  It rings in at a lengthy 103 pages but, with commercials, this isn't too far off the mark for a two hour series premiere.  

I've just uploaded and should be available under the ACTION category in a few days.  Each following episode will be posted under SERIES.  

Hope you guys like it.  

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