Elm Street: Pilot by That’s So Craven - Series, Horror - A student journalist works to uncover horrifying secrets in the not-so-sleepy town of Springwood. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Freddy's Nightmares (Nightmare on Elm Street: The Series) - IMDB, Wiki, Video/Trailer

Code KRUEGER Dig up the past.

Oh, no, not again! That's exactly how I felt when number 3 came out. The rest after that could only emit a groan. This is a franchise that has been milked to death. Just reading that 'dig up the past' line is enough for me to bail on this one.

I thought the first screech was a car, by the way.

The gate slowly screeches open.

is better than

The gate slowly swings open... SCREEEECH.

Wasn't he in Saved by the Bell?

Not one for me, but that is entirely on me and, likely, my age. I found that from 3 onwards this franchise turned into a comedy. There's no coming back from that.

I started to have my doubts when this opened on an EXT. of ELM STREET when it should be EXT. SPRINGWOOD - ELM STREET - NIGHT but that's just me in early nitpick, late camera angles are shuffled in, and that's a bigger nitpick...

Rod Lane , eh?  Yes, he died in the first film, didn't he?? I wouldn't care since you are "rebooting" in a sense, but up pops "Nancy's house". Well, who's Nancy Thompson? Yeah, I know. You know. But unless you re intro that character in some fashion, if this IS a reboot I would not have the faintest idea who that is. It is a character from another continuity.


p4-6 I'm not feeling the classroom scene. Much Ado about nothing, and unrealistic on all points.The Black student says "Blacks fail IQ tests" and the teacher says"...your people". Uh-huh.  iiko, a conservative (?) and who loves the US of A, comes off like an airhead. "No one wants to hear about chicks" What? "Burger Queer" What?  I'm surprised none of the students want to cover school related stories, like, oh most high schools?

Not much of adds up to anything. Feels like filler.

It does seem strange that if a new generation (not counting the awful remake a few years back) who wanted to look into Springwood history regarding Freddy   that "last victim" seems a bit odd, since over the course over a franchise, Freddy has killed dozens of people on and off screen.  The idea that "nobody fears Freddy" was a bullet point in "Freddy vs Jason" as well.

As you might have already suspected, that even though I'm a horror fan and love slasher pucs (they don't make 'em like they used to!) that this piece wasn't quite for me.

This one was hit or miss for me. I liked it more than I disliked it, I suppose.

Some awkwardly written action lines here and there, but for the most part this was a quick and easy read.

You never properly introduced Freddy.

You're characters where pretty well written for the most part. I got a feel for each of them, especially Ann and Rod. The ending for this worked very well for me. Shame I won't get to see what happens next.

My big complaint with this is a personal one. I'm a HUGE Elm Street fan. IMO social politics do not belong in an Elm Street story. Again, just me.

Good effort.

~Zack~

One of my fav's. Let's see what you do with it...

A couple pages in and you write well. Good dialog and banter, so far....

Nine pages in and there's no doubt you are a talented writer. Damn good stuff here...

Done. Holy crap. Now THAT"S a reboot. No complaints from me. This is gold.

Ha ha! I just read the other reviews and feel like I missed something but, you know what? I stand by my review. Maybe because I quit after the second Elm St. movie. Never wasted my time on the others. Good work, writer.

Hi,

Notes as I read.

Quoted Text SCREEEECH!

I've never been a fan of these comic book sound effects in a script.

Use an em dash (--) for broken action or dialogue, not a comma.

Nice snappy dialogue in the first few pages.

Quoted Text We’ll know the rest in a moment.

I don’t like this line at all, it serves no purpose. Yes we will know them in a moment, when you introduce them.

The dialogue on pages 4 and 5 is a bit much.

Quoted Text CHARLES Christ. You’re just so fucking "woke" aren’t you?

Made me laugh.

Very well done with Ann, you had me.

Quoted Text ANN (just air) Rod!

I have no idea what "just air" means if she says the word "Rod".

I didn’t fully understand the last scene unfortunately.

As a whole it's well written, and a pretty enjoyable story. I read the Wiki and I'm not sure how it classifies as a reboot exactly. Good effort regardless.

I've never watched this series, but understand what it was about, and because each episode had new characters, it's a good choice here, as it's easier to write than something with characters we all know.

I'm already on page 8 and chose not to write anything down, which is a very good sign.  There were a couple little things I didn't like and also thought the back and forth in class went on too long, but the writing is good and I'm going to stick around for the whole thing.

Well, I do have to bring up a nitpick I have and it's the asides you're frequently using.  They just don't add anything and IMO, they actually detract.

I'm on Page 15 and I'm now worried as there are only a few pages to go and there's just not enough here...and/or what is here is thin on what should be here, if that makes any sense to you.  The scene in the school was 3 whole pages and I started skimming while reading it.  Too much of that, not enough of what matters here.  We'll see how it wraps up...

Well, funny, cuz as soon as I started reading again, all Hell broke loose and we got some nice action.  Very good job on a nicely concealed surprise (which I won't spoil here), but you got me for sure.  Pretty good finale, but as far as I know, this is not the way the series worked at all, and unless I'm totally incorrect, you're just setting this up for 1 long continued show that has just now begun, as opposed to individual 30 minute (or 1 hour) episodes.

I don't understand the ending and am curious to what it's supposed to mean.

Bottom line here is that this is short for a pilot.  It's short, although also containing what I think is definitely filler that goes nowhere, and many characters who were in a  single scene.  You really need to flesh this out to a full 24 pages, and get to some interesting, important stuff much earlier on.

It's a good effort, though, IMO.  It's pretty well written, and pretty well conceived (assuming you actually have ideas of what's to follow.

Another reboot of a TV series I'm barely familiar with based on a beloved horror movie franchise I'm quite familiar with. Let's dig in, shall we?

Titles are usually ALL CAPS. Nice pseudonym pun.

Bold is usually forbidden. As for bold slugs, some people like 'em, some don't.

Quoted Text "ELM ST" reads the rusted green[-]and[-]white road sign.

Most road signs are green-and-white anyway.

Funny, ANN MATHER (not MATHERS) is on the Board of Directors for MGM and Netflix. See where I'm going with this?

Quoted Text SCREEEECH!

I don't think you'll be able to get Dustin Diamond. He's probably too busy doing Celebrity Survivor with Bobcat Goldthwait, Carrot Top, Hal Sparks, Weird Al and Meat Loaf.

"distinctive black fedora." Here we go!

Quoted Text The gate slowly swings open... SCREEEECH.

When I wake up in the morning
And the clock is out of order
I don't think I'll ever make it on time

Referring to Freddy Krueger by his last name? Okay.

Quoted Text Krueger, still shrouded in darkness, now stands on the branch of a gnarled oak tree. His razor-clawed hand comes up, pointing a single blade at... A gravestone two rows up and one column to the left. Freddy Krueger’s green and red sweater is draped over it.

I still think you should put FREDDY KRUEGER in ALL CAPS.

Heather? Nice callback to Heather Langenkamp. Only four? Damn.

THAT Rod Lane? Interesting.

I like the chemistry/banter between Ann and Rod.

Quoted Text ANN I’m walking.

I'm walking. Yes, indeed.

Quoted Text ROD You’re gonna be late.

Judging by a cinematic precedent, I have a feeling Rod's gonna be "late."

Quoted Text MR[.] PEDERSON (3 young face, the kind of teacher that girls crush on, stands facing the chalk board.

I love that introduction.

"Writ" is a bit of an archaic term. Nowadays, in the age when people don't speak Latin anymore , he say "written."

11 lines of dialogue? Normally, this is too much, except in special cases like here.

When you say "physically unimpressive," you do mean like Tyler Perry or Steve Urkel?

Quoted Text MALCOLM What if the truth is bad?

Throw a childish temper tantrum on Twitter and call it fake news.

KIKO's a Trumpanzee. Unless she's talking about Faux News. But her appearance seems to give it away.

Quoted Text Unproven collusion. Clinton lost cause of Comey. Or was it the Russians?

Unproven?!! Shut up, bitch! There have been at least 23 indictments so far. How's that fake-news witch-hunt Nothing Burger™ working out for ya?

Quoted Text Fox News is a hundred times worse.

Amen, brother! (And I'm not even religious! )

Quoted Text ENOUGH!

I've been saying ever since I found out the idiot won.

Ha Ha! Burger Person! Nice jab at our overly-PC culture.

I hope that Kiko bitch uses condoms.

Top of page 7. I'm gonna call it a night and resume in the afternoon. It's been a fun ride.


Wow. Big update on the new Halloween reboot. Anyway, in the words of Marc Summers, let's get sloppy!

The last thing I wanna see in a slasher movie is a cell phone! Ugh. LOL.

Charles Gray, the English politician (1696-1782)? LOL.

"The grounds keeper." Oh. And "groundskeeper" is one word.

Ann Gardner. Any relation to Heather?

Quoted Text She doesn’t live here anymore.

I bet her name's Alice.

New Line executive after the 2010 reboot:

Quoted Text Find a new story. There’s gotta be something more important in this world to write about than Fred Krueger.

Damn, Face Off is coming on. Supposedly the final season. See you in an hour or so.

Let's get back to it.

A "wife beater" is a white tank top.

I would put FIGURE in ALL CAPS.

Quoted Text BOO, motherfucker!

Reminds me of when Busta Rhymes told Michael Myers, "Trick or treat, motherfucker!" *shudders*

"Wet teens licking." WTF?

Rod damn well should be scared of Freddy, if cinematic history is any indicator.

Quoted Text Rod gets up and walks to the fridge where he proceeds to grab a beer.

Grab one for Lynda, too. Whoops, wrong slasher movie.

Quoted Text How is it that I never heard of it?

Beats me. He killed you 34 years ago. But I guess that was a long time ago.

Quoted Text EXT. ELM STREET - NIGHT Ann, in her white silk nightgown, walks Elm Street again, not sure where she’s going.

Redundant. Might want to reword this.

Quoted Text 1428 Elm Street. Nancy Thompson’s old house.

Here we go.

Quoted Text Any red[-]letter headlines yet?

Quoted Text You[']r[e] my subconscious. I own you.

Quoted Text Oh, I’ve seen it. I’m jealous. Who needs a psychopath with claws when you already kill each other by the dozens every day?

Freddy Krueger is woke, which is pretty ironic for a dream killer.

Quoted Text Unless you believe I could kill after death. Tell me, Ann. Do you believe that?

Well, considering there's nine films of you doing so, I'd say there's little doubt.

I would CAP any MYSTERIOUS/SHADOW FIGURES, just to be safe.

"Bullshit." Goodbye, network TV. Hellooooo, cable.

Quoted Text To be feared[,] he has to be known again.

"Cover up" can also be one word or hyphenated. "Cover up" means to hide your nudity, or to "cover up, or you're gonna catch a cold."

Quoted Text Christ. You’re just so fucking "woke" aren’t you?

Is this intentional irony?

"real live" = "real life"

Quoted Text Fear creeps into Ann’s eyes. This guy is crazy or worse.

Reminds me of a former friend of the family who once told me these right-wing conspiracy theories about Hillary, Obama, and the Democrats. She was clearly batshit crazy.

Quoted Text If you don’t leave[,] I’ll be forced to call the co-

Also, use an emdash (—) or two hyphens (--) instead of a single, endash hyphen (-) when interrupting dialogue.

Quoted Text He pulls so hard her feet leave the ground. Her slippers fly away as she kicks her legs.

Reminds me of Nurse Jill's death in Halloween II.



See, I told you Rod was gonna be "late."

*SPOILERS*

"blood[-]soaked"

Quoted Text He lunges forward and furiously wipes at the message.

Obstruction of justice. Luckily, Mueller's on the case.

What do you mean by "(just air)"?

Quoted Text A Bird’s Eye View of the town. Silent. Peaceful.

Like Hitchcock? Nice. Although camera directions are normally forbidden.

Loved it! I could definitely see this being filmed for the big or small screen. I would definitely pick this up as a series or the next movie.

Nice job overall, you pulled me right in and kept me interested.
The characters are very well drawn and everything and the story makes sense, it's eerie enough, has a nice shock value.
You included some tosses and turns with Charles being a possible Fred's accomplice.

But is he? You didn't finish the pilot, didn't explain anything. Who Ann will fight in the end. How she makes sense of it? Does she run? Does she understand anything about Freddie?

My other grudge is - how her major and her political interests factor in the whole story. You gave us interesting characters to work with. I think it would greatly benefit from having extra story added to this.
Overall nice job, like I said. But still I want more.

Hey writer,

Here comes another slashy, slashy one, not my cup of tea but I gave it a damn good shot.

Major positive, I dig your style writing wise, was pretty easy on both the eye and my old noggin. Formatting wise, however, if you need to utilise dream sequences then make sure you execute them properly. I suppose the counter argument to this is that you don't want to reveal that it's a dream to the reader, but I doesn't matter, you gotta format them correctly and indicate that we're in one.

The whole structuring of it was a bit ropey, and for certain I'd take a massive Freddy sized claw to that classroom scene, went on for waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too long. Also, you introduced multiple characters that didn't actually add anything, they just appeared for a scene or so and took up space on the page.

It was alright, didn't really work for myself if I'm to be honest but a good effort none the less.

Cam

Writer,

I'm an 80's guy and I have yet to see an Elm Street movie. So, coming in with no expectations I thought this was pretty good. The writing was clear and concise, and the story was promising. I definitely wanted to know what becomes of Ann. So glad she's not dead. So yeah, this is at the top of the list for me. So far. Good work.

Steve

Format wise, this was by far the best effort.  I actually toyed with the idea of doing a SPRINGWOOD series but I quickly lost interest.  I think just about everyone has had enough of Freddy after nine movies.  But I enjoyed your action and descriptions.  

Never have seen an Elm Street movie or the tv show, but I do know who Freddy is, so let's see how this goes:

The story starts off well enough, we're in a cemetery, Freddy's back.  Writing is solid so far.

So it's a dream to start? Okay.  I can deal with that.

Boy, this Rod guy is a loser. Pretty sure this guy is a goner by the end of the script.

What is this detour in the school?  This is going on too long.  Get me out of this class!  You really could have dealt with the idea you were trying to push in just a quick meeting with the teacher, rather than browbeating us with the  back and forth between the students.

This guy in the cemetery is a real downer.  I'm guessing he's somehow going to be involved in this before it is all said and done.

Rod got a job. Hooray!  Ann seems very excited that he's a burger flipper.

Well, not only did Ann get it, but Rod gets it as well.  And by Charles?  Is Charles inhabited by Freddy?  Is he dreaming this all?  What is happening here?

Well, didn't quite understand the context of the ending, but I would say that it's a very well-written piece.  If you could ditch that part in the classroom and make the ending a little clearer about the relationship between Charles and Freddy (if any), for dense people like me.  I may be beyond hope, though.

Very good effort here.

Best of luck,
Gary

I liked the story and the writing. Comparing Freddy Kruger to Putin is great!

Hey writer,

not familiar with the series. I just remember having watched some of the movies, which I found, especially the later sequels, forgettable. So, positively thought, there's a lot room for improvement, let's see…

p1 not bad, a bit overwritten though

the classroom scene could be a bit more precise in its expression. The characterization could work more economical with fewer political topics but clearer opinions of the characters, which tell us everything we need to know with fewer words and perhaps some more wit. The direction is good though.

The long scene between Rod and Ann worked fine as a final introduction, now things need to get rolling.

P12 it seems she really doesn't fear Freddy, that makes it look too much like a mystery, discovery storyline

P15 dialogue at the very top is fine, modern in an interestingly odd way

It's very positive that the most important part, the ending, delivers fine. There you really create some consistent momentum on a top level. That describes best where things lack so far. Everything before felt a bit too "on the surface", not explored enough yet. The potential is already there and it just needs imo more tightening and precision. But this is critique on a high level. As a first draft this works fine as it is, absolutely understandable performance. I hope you get the intensity of the last part into every scene of whatever kind (even the characterization parts, regarding their respective needs to define clearer and FASTER). And let her fear him sooner, at least a little, a little more reaction to this walking in a nightmare while investigating.

So all in all serve some more depth, otherwise, the framework is pretty solid. Good job.