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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  Branded: "The Lone Ranger" - OWC Moderators: DanC
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  Author    Branded: "The Lone Ranger" - OWC  (currently 2161 views)
Don
Posted: June 2nd, 2018, 11:22am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Branded: "The Lone Ranger" by ? - Series, Action - Wrongfully accused of cowardice and drummed out of the Army, he must prove that he is a man. 14 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work


Branded - IMDB, Wiki, Video/Trailer





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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Don  -  June 3rd, 2018, 10:28pm
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CameronD
Posted: June 2nd, 2018, 11:18pm Report to Moderator
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A western. Let's see how we fare.

Logline needs a bit of work off the bat. He must prove he is a man makes little sense. And since pg 1 sets this in modern day I'd say that should be in the logline for sure as well. Was jarring to see we are in Afghanistan all the sudden.

Also, is this script called BRANDED as the title page would imply? Anyways. Whatever.

Cap the medics first time we see them onscreen. Same with the Army Officer in the courtroom. And the MP at Fort Carson.You get the idea.

That all said.

I liked this. Very nice reboot of the Lone Ranger set in modern times. Aside from the capitalization errors of first time characters,  this was an easy read with no errors. That said, not much really happened I admit but that's ok. I can see what kinda show this will be from episode 2? What's episode 1 I wonder? I like how you incorporated the the show's opening as exposition along with the theme song. I actually looked online to see if that theme song was your own, or an actual variation of the Lone Ranger theme. I found some old radio shows titled "Branded a Coward"but no theme song such as yours. Big props for coming up with a song that fits very well if it was all your own doing.

Nit picky here, but I think you can tighten up some homages. Maybe just go for the solid black handkerchief instead of the skull one for a tighter connection to the black mask. Ditch the glock and give this guy a revolver. I liked the silver saddle bags, but maybe have a white gas tank with a silver horse painted on the side for a bigger nod to the old show.

Solid job all around.









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Cameron
Posted: June 3rd, 2018, 7:26am Report to Moderator
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Hahahahahahaha, writer, did you really write a theme song and closing credit track??? That's good work.

So, this is actually pretty good. It's got very little in the way of movements, and actually turns out to be quite comedic, interspersed with tragic dream and violence. On that note, formatting was good but make sure you end the dream sequence correctly.

If it had been expanded a bit it could have been better, but overall pretty bang on. An easy read and a definite reboot.

A quick quible, however. McCord rides a bike, yep? That lab puppy is going to be massive in about 7 months time!! What's he gonna do, get a side cart or a family SUV??? He could be a lone ranger for a reason, everybody hates him for forgetting that puppies aren't just for Christmas...

That aside, as I say I liked it.

Well done,

Cam
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Don
Posted: June 3rd, 2018, 8:34pm Report to Moderator
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Cams,

I love you both, but...


Quoted from CameronD
Very nice reboot of the Lone Ranger set in modern times.


No. It's a very nice reboot of Branded...


Quoted from Cameron
Hahahahahahaha, writer, did you really write a theme song and closing credit track??? That's good work.


No. The theme song and closing credits are from the show Branded.


Point of clarification.  This is a reboot of Branded set in modern times.



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Cameron
Posted: June 3rd, 2018, 8:48pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Don,

Cheers for the clarification, I'll give it another go then tonight based upon the actual tv program...what a Muppet, need to click the links.

I still stand by my initial point over the difficulty of having a full grown black lab on a motorbike, however.

Cam
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CameronD
Posted: June 3rd, 2018, 11:06pm Report to Moderator
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What is this? A show called Branded? And not the Lone Ranger? Then why is the episode called the Lone Ranger? Why is there a Tanto? And a black mask? Why is there an old Lone Ranger episode I found called Branded A Coward?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1DvXHJ_7FM

Madness. This is madness I say.


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Don
Posted: June 3rd, 2018, 11:32pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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All part of a plot to drive you slowly insane...



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Cameron
Posted: June 4th, 2018, 3:25am Report to Moderator
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Right, I've read the wiki and thank's Don, it really does make far more sense now.

It worked for me last time, it still works for me now but with some added recognition of theme and tone. It was a goodie, so well done whoever you are writer.

P.S. Never even heard of the show but my God, I don't swing that way, but Chuck Connors was an absolute dreamboat!! I can see him now, top off, riding a motorbike across the desert, gun in hand...massive black lab on his lap that he can't see past, crashing into a tree because his vision has been impared (I'm not letting it go).

P.P.S. not lowering the tone but I just can't get past the comedy element of that visual, definitely one of my favourites so far, writer
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Gary in Houston
Posted: June 5th, 2018, 3:33pm Report to Moderator
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So I'm torn on this one. I really like the writing overall. The writer has a sharp eye for detail and the dialogue is well done. Very visual writing. Could easily see this as I read through it. Overall a quick and easy read. I liked the reboot taking place in the present as well.

Here's what I didn�t like � it seemed to go several pages after he was court martialed without anything happening. You only used 14 pages and several of them were just some expositional dialogue with the border guards and McCold hanging out in the woods.  I could live with that if you had used all 24 pages, but we need to get this show on the road with 14 at play.

Quick aside: McCord is wounded in battle and everyone else is killed. He's found amongst his men. That doesn't seem to indicate a dereliction of duty sufficient to drum him out of the army. Now maybe if he was found a hundred yards away because he had been drug there by the enemy, then you could make that argument. Just a thought.

When you did get into the action sequences, they were very nicely done. Tight and engaging, so well done there.  Clean up that middle part and I think this is a quality piece.

Best of luck,
Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned


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Gary in Houston  -  June 8th, 2018, 6:05pm
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PrussianMosby
Posted: June 7th, 2018, 4:29pm Report to Moderator
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Hello there,

wow, that's a huge 'step to the future' reboot. I appreciate the rebooted similarity of theme and intro etc. here, just not sure if the audience would connect/remember/associate.

However… good intro, the read is super smooth.

Plot flies by fine – just not sure of what he's actually accused of and vilified for, because this here is not the Wild West anymore where you may be a deserter because of simply surviving when nobody else has ;-) The intro said he was found unconscious on the battlefield… then re: the dream sequence: blood streamed from his face/injured leg – nothing to be vilified for or called a coward imo…

Okay. This was quick and very good.

I would have revealed the actual "goods" or the "men's faces" since I believe General Reed's involvement is enough of a cliffhanger and you should serve a complete episode with an ending that closes a circle of what has happened.

The puppy: great sidekick that of course has no use for him. It brings so much sympathy for the hero and also tons of tension when puppy goes for a walk into enemy territory; brilliant choice of you.

The pup's name Tonto and also the Episode title were confusing: no clue why you've chosen that Lone Ranger aspect and didn't stay only with the original series that you rebooted so qualified; that makes little sense to me.

All in all, great material, delivery, plot, everything. I'd even imagine the original theme would work super moody in contrast to that new picture.
Congrats from my side!



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JEStaats
Posted: June 8th, 2018, 5:59pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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All I remembered about this show was the breaking of the saber and Chuck Connors walking out the fort's gate in the opening scene. Very impressionable scene as a five year old. Let's see where this goes....

Pg. 1 - Very contemporary. Afghan outpost. I see Restropo all over this.

Pg. 2 - Nice bulge. You got a puppy in there or are you glad to see me?

Pg. 5 - Colorado pot growers... have you seen the price of real estate in CO these days? They got to launder somehow, I suppose.

Pg. 6 - Who's Liz? Fiance? Sister?

Pg. 7 - End of dream sequence, I suppose? Let us know!

Pg. 9 - Winning!

Pg. 10 - Beware the grungie-hippy with a gun

Pg 12 - What's in the box!? ~Brad Pitt. A severed head?

Pg. 13 - I want her name. Sorry McCord, I don't think this is going to go better for her than you.

No complaints formatting besides the dream sequence ending. Decent banter and action. Need to explain why the coward label and dereliction of duty, unless it was because they ran out of ammo. Good stuff.
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khamanna
Posted: June 8th, 2018, 11:42pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this as a short or something. I have no idea what the series is going to be about.

The beginning montage tripped me though. Didn't care for it. And please forgive me for saying this - I didn't like the song as I don't think it fits the genre. It sounds comical to me - McCord walks and there's a song that he has to prove himself. But your call.

This also read like something in the past, not the recent series. Maybe due to the song.

My personal pet peeve - a lot of sentences here start with "I".
So, why he's a coward again? I don't think I missed it though, I think it's not there. In my opinion, this should be in the pilot. And a pilot should be much longer and contain much more than this. Even an episode, any episode is more. A sitcom episode, which is 20 pages or so, is more.
Although it's good for what it is, I think.
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Spqr
Posted: June 9th, 2018, 2:13pm Report to Moderator
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This is a good start to the reboot, but I think we need more information on what exactly happened at the outpost in Afghanistan. The theme song makes us believe that Jason left his comrades to die, but if he was the only survivor what made the army think the wounded and unconscious man is guilty of cowardice? Was there a witness, long-range surveillance, or a video on one of the dead soldier's personal phone?
Jason is probably not roaming the USA searching for some fresh air. So he's obviously looking for someone who can clear his name, or he has an idea of who might have set him up to take the fall for the fiasco that led to the massacre in Afghanistan. As well as this script is written, all we have right now is a shootout near the border that isn't even related to Jason's quest.
Why not increase Jason's peril? Perhaps the person responsible for the massacre is powerful and is afraid of Jason uncovering the truth. He's put a bounty on Jason's head, and there's no one Jason can turn to for help because every cop shop in the country has deep ties to the military and no way in hell are they going to help a coward.
Just a thought. Good job.
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Zack
Posted: June 10th, 2018, 2:17am Report to Moderator
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Never even heard of this series. So, you've got fresh eyes here.

Very well written. I was able to visualize this very well. I got a feel for all of the characters.

My only nitpick is the song that bookends this thing. It just didn't work for me. I don't know...

Quick, easy read. I'd read another episode.

I'm actually very curious to see who wrote this one. Just might have to check out some more of your work.

~Zack~

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SAC
Posted: June 10th, 2018, 10:53pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Writer,

I liked this one. Well drawn Characters, tight writing. My only gripe is that you left us hanging and you still had ten pages to play with. Finishing this would have been nice. I was along for the ride. Nice touch with the theme song - it sort of filled in the blanks for people like me who've never seen the show. Good job.

Steve


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