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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  Quantam Leap - OWC Moderators: DanC
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  Author    Quantam Leap - OWC  (currently 1563 views)
Don
Posted: June 2nd, 2018, 11:23am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Quantam Leap by Ziggy - Series, Adventure - In search of her father, lost in the time stream, an adventurous scientist travels back to the LA Riots of 1992 to save an angry youth from a needless death. 20 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work


Quantum Leap - IMDB, Wiki, Video/Trailer



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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: June 3rd, 2018, 1:23am Report to Moderator
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I don’t know how I feel about this because it's a really good concept/idea for an episode, Sam a fish-out-of-water in the hood, but I guess I couldn’t get into it.

I thought it could be a nice touch to maybe get a hint of mythology in there regarding her father’s whereabouts. Since we only know this from the narrator.

Staying true to the original opening sequence felt outdated. In fact, most of the tone felt too familiar to the original series. While I liked how Sam played along, the characters and dialogue didn’t feel authentic, but that’s just my take. I believe Raider could help move things along, too many beats establishing his tough guy persona.

The Weinstein bit in the end threw me off too, not because I’m shocked or humored, but it kinda felt too comical, like it let the air out of everything I already read.

It reads well, smooth passages. My take was that I thought the story was too confined to the original series structure.
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Cameron
Posted: June 3rd, 2018, 6:57am Report to Moderator
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Writer...this is why I love this OWC shizzle.

Loved it, absolutely loved it. It had charm, a genuine story at its heart and it felt just like a complete work. It was brilliant in my opinion.

You could have fallen into a few traps. The race thing is a biggie, and an alarm went off as soon as I realized what was going on, but it was well executed and it felt correct to the event. You could have gone off on a different feel altogether to the original Quantam Leap, and installed some real edge to it, but then it wouldn't be the reason we all loved the original. It read well and everything about it just worked for me.

Couldn't see any typos, formatting was on the money. The only potential weak thing I could see is that the only rebooted element is a change of sex, but again I think to drift far from the original would have been a disaster in this instance, and I'd class it as a reboot. The pace really moved in the correct areas too, expertly done.

I'd say it's by far the best I've read as of now, it felt complete and that's something considering the challenge.

Really well done,

Cam

Sorry a quick post script...only thing that let me down was the Harvey bit at the end. You had enough comedy in the overall piece to avoid that one!!
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LC
Posted: June 3rd, 2018, 7:37am Report to Moderator
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It's Quantum, folks. Surely...

Not Quantam.

Unless it's some reboot pun, and if so I don't get it.
Let's not repeat the error over and over in critique.
Sorry, I'm a pedant.


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Cameron
Posted: June 3rd, 2018, 8:05am Report to Moderator
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Damn your right, LC...maybe points off??? Actually I'll stick but it is odd
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khamanna
Posted: June 3rd, 2018, 11:59am Report to Moderator
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Ok, great job here.

I suggest you give her some other reason to look for her father - like he needs to do some fixing with something.
I also say you get rid of that Narrator to relay the info to us. Maybe she can talk with Lewis and we'll learn what she needs to do through their convo.

My last grump is they talk too much, and a lot of their talk is a mere repetition of what's been already said. They repeat themselves.
Rader has a boy? sorry must have missed something.
I didn't understand the last scene.

overall, it's sometging I'd gladly watch.
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JEStaats
Posted: June 3rd, 2018, 3:33pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Ouch! Quantum spelled wrong! Odd, once you got into the story you spelled it correct.

Nice touch with the rehash of the opening theme with the daughter. It's been forever since I watched the original but was Lewis the same name for the hologram? Or is this an upgrade?

LA riots. Yay. Can't we all just get along? Some good writing and dialog. Sam is as clumsy as her dad. Good touch.


Good work here, a full episode with closure and the beginings of the next. I'd love to see what happens with Wienstien.

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LC
Posted: June 3rd, 2018, 8:05pm Report to Moderator
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There are typos galore, from Quantam to Becket/Beckett's surname to multiple you're/your errors,/ gangster's paridise etc.. Just saying... Last minute inspiration?

'What are we?' On page 4. Instead of 'where'? Unless you forgot the ellipses.

You are guilty also of the crime of overuse of the exclamation point.

Okay, so you'll clean all that up.

It's a good idea. I love Lewis. Adding the extra tech angle ramps it up.

I loved the Golden Gate opening.

You wrote the action sequences well with the riots (nice selection for a time jump) l and Lewis forecasting the state of likelihood of death and the switches back and forth to different characters and who's in line to cop it next, (the percentages) played out well. It seemed vaguely familiar that device (can't pinpoint where exactly I've seen it before) but effective nonetheless.

And then it's as if you didn't know where to step off to next.

The Harvey thing? Noooo. Complete fizzle. Defeats all your good work prior.

The rest of it? Great stuff. A production company should use your idea. It's solid.

One thing missing though, as Kham said: Dad.

Dad should be metaphorically (and literally) dangled at the climax of each episode. Cause that is Sam's goal. Keep her eye on her main motivation. That was your through-line that you dropped from your opening. Bookend your Narrator - start and finish with it and link it with a glimpse of her seeing or getting close to Dad. And her just missing him, him being elusive.

You could develop this idea and pitch it. Cause it is a good template for a reboot.

Very enjoyable.


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FrankM
Posted: June 4th, 2018, 1:35pm Report to Moderator
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This reboot doesn't stray far from the original, which is good because I liked it just the way it was

The dialogue is a bit OTN, but that's something that gets cleaned up alongside typos.

I liked Lewis in general, but think he was too harsh on the beeper and PopTarts. Also, if you're keeping the same technobabble explanation of time travel, Samantha can only travel within her own lifetime. Unfortunately that limits the opportunities for her to look upon her surroundings as paleolithic artifacts.

Maybe it's just me, but I don't like Samantha as the new Leaper's name. References to "Sam" will get confusing when discussing her father. I also agree that finding him should have higher stakes than simply reuniting a family. In the original series, Ziggy's predictions went haywire when more than one Leaper was in the same neighborhood... maybe the Bad Thing That Must Be Fixed deals with keeping a safe distance between Leapers.

This establishes why she can't simply Leap to where her Dad was known to be, and makes it really really hard to enlist his aid in getting the Bad Thing fixed. Also allows for cameo appearances by the original Sam Beckett and Brother Cavil -- I mean Al.

Good concept and executed well.

Spoiler:
They couldn't run out the back of the store? Or at least Raider sneak out letting the others take the fall for him?

Spoiler-ish:
The final episode of the original series states flatly that Dr. Beckett never returned home.


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Gary in Houston
Posted: June 4th, 2018, 4:51pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, first, it’s spelled “homie”, not “hommie”. I think you even misspellled it as “commie” at one point.

So when Sam is talking to Lewis, no one can hear him, but can others hear Sam talking to Lewis?  Seems like that would make for some confusing, or at least humorous, scenes.

I think the writing here is good, albeit with quite a few typos — may not have had time for a proofread — but the story is solid and is faithful to the original. You also made it your own in this reboot. The ending scene was pretty funny as well.

Good action blocks, dialogue is pretty heavy, so in a rewrite you might consider cutting back on some of the repetitive info. So if Lewis explains something to Sam try having her not repeat the message but spin it into something new and unique.

Overall, great effort here. Good writing on display.

Best of luck,
Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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ReneC
Posted: June 4th, 2018, 8:03pm Report to Moderator
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Slow start, especially with so much time spent with Lewis explaining mundane things. You can get away with one or two, there’s no story there.

The L.A. riots is an interesting setting, good choice. I like Raider as the antagonist. Junior was a non-entity for much of it, he only shines in the climax.

The climax is really good. Nice twists and turns, great payoff with the chess references. That made it all worthwhile.

It is very similar to the original, which I am also okay with it. Less of Lewis’s unnecessary exposition, more about Sam. You should have chosen an opening that would let us get to know her as a character instead of just fact-finding since this is supposed to be our introduction to the series, even if it is clearly not a pilot episode. I still have very little idea who she is because she spends so much of the episode pretending to be someone else.

Tons of typos, but nothing that makes this unreadable. I enjoyed it in the end, good job.


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HyperMatt
Posted: June 5th, 2018, 3:36am Report to Moderator
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Read up to page 3, enjoying it so far. Thought that was a great teaser, I like the idea of it being a direct continuation on the old series. I think a lot of people thought the climax to the old series was unsatisfying. The idea of the Al being replaced by 'A.I'. I wished you would have used a different updated catchphrase to 'Oh boy'. Hopefully the rest of the script is as good.


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: June 8th, 2018, 2:23pm Report to Moderator
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Right off the cuff, Quantum is misspelled on the title page.
I didn't mind the opening, Callback to the original series is nice. However, searching for "her father who invented time travel" is bit of a stretch, but I'll roll with it. (one would think her father might be easy to find if he left clues from the past, after all). Also "Hoever long it takes" is an interesting concept when it comes to time travelling to the past. What exactly does that mean, know what I mean? And I'm okay with the gender swap, it's the common occurrence it seems in most Movie to TV and/or old show reboots. Sometimes it works, other times, it's a gimmick. (like the upcoming Magnum PI, where Higgins is now a HOT former British agent which suggests that the character will bring about some angle of sexual tension) Side Note: in the series, Sam had a leap which resulted in the birth of his daughter, Samantha Fuller who would grow up to work on Project Quantum Leap.

Anyway...

Quoted Text
Fuck the police

Okay, okay. I'm guilty of it too, taking this OWC of old TV shows and tossing in some R rated stuff, and I've read comments on other scripts other than my own which mention, inwhole or in part, this writer's desire to make the once clean cut and thought provoking explorations of the human condition...and go for streaming like Netflix or cable like Starz or Showtime.


Quoted Text
What are pop tarts?

One of the things the original series did was set up a set of rules for the sci-fi elements of the show. Pop Tarts are still around (and with more awful flavors like "Orange Crush" and "Something something wild chocolate latte rasberry with lime something something". Unfrosted cherry is still the best)y. So how far in the future did Sam arrive from?
Sam, before knowing it is 1992, speaks in the cliched (and unconvincing) "urban" talk. (Oddly, NOT ONE character mentions the bad verdict which sparked the riots---just an observation. Instead the teens get drunk, and not even on 8 Ball malt, but maybe that was already snatched up...)

And it just so happens, the black youths who are in the riots of 1992...are Crips. This better get somewhere, and get somewhere fast. Spelling errors aren't helping.


Quoted Text
SAM
A gangsta's paradise.
LEWIS
Excuse me, Sam?
SAM
It's a classic. Never mind.


No, no. no. Gin and Juice is the classic, with my mind on my money and money on my mind  

It's bad enough that the dialog with Raider (because he wears "Raiders" team jacket/hat?) is OTN, but the mere fact that he's a crip complaining about police corruption is hypercritical. Like I said, nobody brings up the real reason behind the rioting. (and if Sam can't remember pop tarts, how does she know about the riots, other than a mention from Lewis?)



Quoted Text
Son, trust me

Samantha breaks character with this line. She is in her mid 30s. Not a dude in his 50s giving out fatherly advice. Right?

p14 Finally, a character mentions the event that sparked the rioting. Do I think the owner would shoot to kill? He shouldn't act threatening, he should act scared. Scared that he might have to shoot someone to protect his store.


Quoted Text
See, pigs
are coming and I don't plan on
going back to the hole.

It's right that Sam challenges him on this logic. If he commits murder, the police will find him and send him to prison (if they don't kill him). But lo and behold...


Quoted Text
I promised him!


So...why continue being a Crip? Why go along with rioting? Why show off a gun? "I'm not going back" assuming his past arrests (again, one cannot blame the 'pigs' when you yourself break laws which indirectly add to the problem of police aggression towards inner city youth) were more than just a stay in a JDC. Right? In short, he broke that promise already.



Quoted Text
SAM
(to Lewis)
Gangsta's paridise? (sic)
LEWIS
I looked it up. Catchy chorus.


See? "Gin and Juice" is better; Ganster's Paradise as a classic is already forgotten!  


Quoted Text
Mr. Weinstein will see you now

Come on. Really?

I'm surprised I read this all the way through. I guess you had me curious. Aside from some spelling errors, oddities in character  and everything else I mentioned, the script is...well, it IS weak. Sam essentially is a...and I really, really 100% hate to say this, but....she is a White Savior cliche. There. I said it.

Sure, it original show, the protag switched bodies with those of other ethic and racial backgrounds, but in those episodes, it was designed to address issues as seen through the eyes of the person Sam was leaping into. In essence, while sticking to the rules set up by the show, the protagonist not only has to help others, but will sometimes directly feel some (if not the majority) of the problems that face the guest characters.  In this reboot, that does not happen to Sam (atha). She is only an observer and quasi- therapist, who diarms the wrong man.

I'm very spilt on this. It's one of the better OWC entries, but that's not saying much at this point.



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DarrenJamesSeeley  -  June 8th, 2018, 2:34pm
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Spqr
Posted: June 9th, 2018, 1:43pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this a lot but here's few things:
on page 8: Lewis states that a beeper doesn't actually facilitate communication in any way. Actually a beeper delivered a phone number that was to be called back immediately, much to the chagrin of millions of employees worldwide who now couldn't escape the tentacles of their bosses while out on the road making calls to clients, making deliveries, or just goofing off.
on page 10: what happened to Junior's father? All we know is that he ran away, but since he went to the trouble of teaching his sons chess, it sounds like he might have been a decent guy.
on page 15: does Sam really expect a couple of kids from the ghetto to know what "zero sum game" means? (I bet most adults don't know what it means.) It's quirky that she thinks everyone is as educated as she is, but here is where the other boys call out Snitch for talking weird.
It's nice that Sam turns around two lives, but what happened to Snitch, whose body Sam temporarily inhabited?
So, nothing major. Good job.
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SAC
Posted: June 10th, 2018, 10:33pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Writer,

I really don't know what to say here. I thought this was pretty well written, but the story could have been better. Just seemed like it went on and on, basically a scene that was drawn out for effect. Basically, I just kinda lost interest with this one, but I've a feeling it was true to the show in some of the snappy dialogue. Again, a show that I've never seen. That said, nothing here really grabbed me. I wasn't flipping pages to see what happens next because I wasn't invested in these characters. Decent job, though.

Steve


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