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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  Monsters - OWC Moderators: DanC
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  Author    Monsters - OWC  (currently 1268 views)
Don
Posted: June 2nd, 2018, 11:24am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Monsters by Gustav Kottmann - Series, Crime, Thriller - A 30 years old experiment that once took place in East Germany to create perfect soldiers through psychological reprogramming finds a new host on the U.S. soil. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work


Monster - IMDB, Wiki, Video/Trailer



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Cameron
Posted: June 3rd, 2018, 2:35am Report to Moderator
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Hey writer,

Firstly, sorry for this, it's 25 pages so it's over the limit and not for consideration.

Now the story. This one is either going to disgust people, or pique their interest. I'm somewhere in the middle. It's nasty, really, really nasty in parts, but is true to the massacre element invloved from which the reboot draws.

I suspect you ran out of time. The writing is clearly structured and formatted correctly, but it's littered with typos and that page over, so that's my hunch.

It's interesting enough, but it jumps a lot between a hell of a lot of characters at pace, and maybe is best suited to a 50 page episode format.

I was quite sickened by parts of it, but it doesn't detract from the writing, so if you were within the page count it'd be a hard one to figure out how to vote, but you're not so it won't count.

Best

Cam
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JEStaats
Posted: June 3rd, 2018, 1:51pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Page 2 - I'm lost. Are these parents picking up kids from school? What's with the dildo from a glove box on a motorcycle?

Page 3 - Two cops outside a fashion store. One grabs a pastry box from the dashboard to make a puppet. Damn, I'm lost again.

Page 5 - Writer, I can tell that you're talented and that this is not your first time, for sure. I'm just having a really hard time making sense with this. That's the odd thing is that you write well enough, I'm just lost.

Okay, starting to get into this....

Page 9 - You're formatting is a little jacked. There is a character/dialog page break issue.

16 - She caught a lucky break x2. Old ammo?

18 - Leo agrees: When is this going to make sense.

Made it to the end. That was rough. I really wanted to like this but the short scenes without context baffled me. In the end, I think I do like this but it needs work. Formatting issues throughout too. I'd like to see where you would take this.

Oh yeah, 25 pages. I think you could've cut out enough to meet the criteria for the challenge.
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DanC
Posted: June 4th, 2018, 1:02am Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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My second read.  I was completely lost.  I have no clue what the series is about or who is what.  

As with the other read (Thundarr), I think you put too much in and got lost in the shuffle.  

Simplify the story.  

SPOILERS  The note at the end made no sense to me.  I must have missed too much.  You had A LOT of characters in a short screenplay.  I was lost in parts.  

I have no idea why it's monsters.  If I recall, it was adapted from an anime, right?  

Again, I'd simplify the story.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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DanC
Posted: June 4th, 2018, 1:24am Report to Moderator
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I just read the Wikia and I'm right.  If you simplify this, you'd have a great idea for the reboot.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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CameronD
Posted: June 4th, 2018, 12:45pm Report to Moderator
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An anime I'm unfamiliar with which isn't hard. I skimmed through the Youtube link provided and it seems it's just all in a hospital. Looked boring. IMDB says this is a show that ended just 8 years ago so fairly recent. May be hard to reboot it because of that. We'll see.

Super confused. We have a video game dark web purchase, a Gamestop scene, dildo in the glove box of a motorcycle (which bikes don't have. Saddle bag maybe?) and 8 characters all by pg 2. Very jumpy. I hope this all ties together.

Pg 4 and it's not coming together. Instead we have even more characters. There is no direction. No conflict. I have no idea who the main is either. Don't care for anybody since I've only seen a few seconds of each. Reading just to see where this goes.

Pg.7 and we have by my count 15 different characters (not counting the pastry box) for an average of about two new characters each page. That's a lot, and it's not a deal breaker if you can juggle that many skillfully. But as I've mentioned this seems like 3 or 4 different stories all going on at once. There is no cohesiveness, it's not building to anything. It's really messy, and getting close to pg 10, if I still have zero idea where we are going something has gone wrong. This isn't how you reboot anything. I'll give you three more pages to get it straight.

Ok, made it to pg 10. We have a school shooting it seems interrupted by shots of a pastry shop and Ale taking out a metallic tampon? Or is it a vibe? So strange.

Have no idea what's going on. You have writing chops, but no story to tell. The OWC is limiting because your page count is extremely limited to tell a complete story in. The goal is not to write act 1 of a multi part epic because that is not what the challenge is about. A lot of writers have a hard time coming to grips with that restriction but it's a must for this contest.

Good luck and keep writing.


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Dreamscale
Posted: June 4th, 2018, 1:48pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not remotely familiar with this show, but a quick wiki search gave me a a Japanese show called "Monster" - is this the same show and why is it now plural?

Anyways, let's see what we have here...

So, your opening is problematic, as you don't have a Slug for your first 4 passages and there's really no reason to start with "OVER OPENING CREDITS".  This is obviously showing a computer screen, but you need to show/tell us that.  You say "A mouse hovers...", but that's not really accurate, as it's a "pointer".

First 2 pages are impossible to understand with all these various characters with odd names and hard to visualize settings (Slugs) making an appearance, but not really doing anything so that we get to know them.

IMO, no reason to ever use a semicolon in a script.

No idea what FEDEX Track is supposed to be, nor what is happening in this scene.  What is that 1 passage supposed to show us?  What is the hand stacking?  You don't tell us, so we are clueless. Not showing any characters makes this completely impossible to tell what's going on, especially since you have 2 characters speaking.

When we get to Teras Elementary School, I see writing issues you should be aware of.  The 2nd passage has many issues - 1st sentence isn't a sentence at all, and is tough to visualize.  2nd sentence should be added to the 1st one, as this is actually the 1st visual we'll see.  The 3rd sentence should be a new passage, as it's a new "shot".  It's actually going to be 2 shots, the way you have it written, as Ale is first looking at her watch, then looking at 2 peeps chatting, and to show that, you're basically suggesting a POV shot, so we can see who/what she's looking at.  Many ways to get this all across much more smoothly.

Next passage has serious issues.  It's 4 different shots before we get to the part where  Cameron "rides behind her", but I'm not clear what that even means.  Does she jump on the back of Ale's bike?  If so, you need to say that.  There's no "riding" going on at this point, as the bike is stationary.

So, then, Ale grabs a big vibrator out of "the gloves compartment"?  WTF?  First of all, I think you're referring to a "glove compartment", but as far as I know, those only exist in cars/trucks, not motorcycles.  And the dialogue that follows suggests that she either just used the dong or is about to, which again, makes little to no sense to me in this setting and situation.

Then we go to Matthew's bedroom.  The writing here is again problematic for me, overly detailed, yet odd, as you're saying that Matthew is "sculptured"?  Or, are you trying to intro Matthew here as being 9 years old?  But you didn't ever really intro him at all.  "books collection" - Huh?  Book collection, maybe?  But are comics really books?  I thought they were magazines?

I'm clueless and don't like the writing here, so I'm out on page 3, sorry to say.

Looking ahead, I see you missed the 24 page limit by less than 1/2 a page, which is a big problem, since you had so many pages to work with and edit this down, which would have been very simple.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
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I don't think you need to tell me how to pronounce Yacine. Yeah, I seen him  
(sorry, couldn't resist)
ALEJANDRA just call her Ale on intro. And why does Cameron call her Harry? Harry Pptter references. I get it---but that's not the point. Point is, you made up these elaborate names, and few characters call them by those names. (Edit: is Ale covered head to toe, neck included? If she can cover up her tatt on her neck with her leather, why can't she cover it at work?)
Ale pulls out a vibrator in a school yard. While driving a motorcycle, weaving in and around a crowd of kids.
There are some motorcycles with small glove boxes in he front. Are they big enough for a sex toy? Maybe. The real question is why such a person would have one in there to begin with.
I mean, I don't know, but I'll take a wild guess and say they can't really put it to use while the bike is in motion.
But what do I know? Everyone's looking for kicks I 'spose.


Quoted Text
Yacine puts two and two together.


I'm not crazy over this line. Maybe because it shows me nothing. Doesn't tell me anything either. It's just...there.


Quoted Text
EXT. ST. VINCENT HOSPITAL - DAY
An impressive building. A bird's dropping falls on Ale's
parked motorcycle.


Then the building isn't that impressive. It's an uneeeded establishing shot turned into a punchline. (side note: Ale is an employee at the hospital; her bike would be parked not in front of the hospital, but the employee parking area)

Denton's questioning Ale of her tat is odd.
Ale lecturing Denton on language in his office is even more odd. (note: see p10)
"and a thug like you"
Really?
This conversation is pointless and goes nowhere as it is.


Quoted Text
Danger might be lurking behind any stand -- under any . table

Might be?


Quoted Text
WAYNE
(bitterly)
A gunkid.


Since you took the odd scene to establish Ale is a nurse who is a bit rough and made a mistake that landed her under scrutiny (right or wrong) why wasn't it milked a little? But when I read that line of dialog from Wayne (there's a LOT of characters to keep track of anyway) I...might get vack to this later. Right now, I'm gone.

And what a way to start a reboot show! School shootings!

Not familiar with the series. But as of now, it doesn't matter.
Sorry. This isn't for me.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
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ChrisBodily
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I thought I read this one already? Here goes.

Gustav Kottmann was "a German beet sugar chemist employed by the Colonial Sugar Refining Company in 1883." And apparently, he has something to do with this anime.

Text on screen is usually handled like so:

SUPER: It is a period of civil war. Rebel forces blah blah blah…

"Sig Sauer P210" apparently refers to a target pistol of some sort.


Quoted Text
0,32 BitCoin.


Are you sure it's a comma and not a decimal? And it's "bitcoin."


Quoted Text
CLICK. Confirm order. CLICK. Link to decoy merchandise. RIGHT CLICK. Open new tab. Search: Black Nintendo N64.


Boy, do I remember N64.

You changed Tenma from a Keanu Reeves expy into an older gentleman. You turned Neo into Paleo.


Quoted Text
grey[,] well-fitted overcoat



Also, "grey" indicates the predominantly-UK spelling. Here in the States, we spell it "gray."

A traditional cab or a Lyft/Uber type thing? You haven't indicated a time period.


Quoted Text
I'm sorry. I got here[,] then I had to go back to grab my phone from the coffee shop. I'm sorry.



Quoted Text
Tenma eyes him; suspicious.


A comma would also have been acceptable.

"One more" what "before closing" what?

Ha ha! Gamer nerd banter. It could be an Atari or a Genesis, for all we know! Or even a Philips CD-I.

Teras is an actual Elementary School in the Philippines.

So far, Tenma is the only established character.

Harry Potter pickup lines? No Potter spoilers, please. I'm still on the second book.

It's actually abbreviated ICU.


Quoted Text
He draws a comic book which sticks like a sore thumb out of [feels out of place in] his serious book s collection.




Quoted Text
It's Detective Comics #27.


This one?




Quoted Text
His eyes well up[,] despite


So far, everybody is a brand new character, except for Tenma.

Right now, each scene reads like a non-sequitur. Just random scenes.

Why didn't you introduce Matthew's mom as Andrea to begin with?


Quoted Text
What's got you transfixed, sage Matthew?


Who the hell talks like this?

Andrea sure talks weird, even by anime standards.


Quoted Text
There might be (a) crazy sniper(s) out there.


Pick one.


Quoted Text
Small space[,] but


You need to work on your commas.


Quoted Text
basically The Rock's bigger brother


Literally or figuratively? Or both? "Bigger" as in stronger/more muscular, or as in older?


Quoted Text
as if it may fly.


Huh?


Quoted Text
BING BING  ( 78 ), the shop owner, a small Chinese woman


Is this a jab at Trump?


Quoted Text
Tell me the size of your pants.


Why can't she just say...


Quoted Text
What size pants do you wear?


It's one fewer word. It's also two fewer letters.


Quoted Text
Why, Bing Bing[,] my love?


Too melodramatic.

"Why?" - "Why, Bing Bing?" - or "Why, my love?" Pick one.


Quoted Text
So I can keep a spare for you for the day you come here to pawn your pants.


Even dubbed anime isn't this bad.

Try any of these variations:


Quoted Text
So that whenever you pawn them, we'll have a spare.



Quoted Text
So we have a spare.



Quoted Text
Just in case you ever pawn them.



Quoted Text
One can never have too many pants.


LEO

Quoted Text
That day will never come.


Too bland and generic. Spice it up a bit.


Quoted Text
Like that'll ever happen!



Quoted Text
That'll be the day!



Quoted Text
When pigs fly.



Quoted Text
On that day, I'll be the King/Queen of England!



Quoted Text
I'll be [The King/Queen of England/The Pope/dead/fill in the blank] before that ever happens.



Quoted Text
The watch day came. Pants day can't be that far.


I forgot you were rolling credits. That's usually not the writer's job anyway.


Quoted Text
INT. THE CAB - DAY


This should be at the top of the next page. Never put the beginning of a scene on the last line of a page. Ditto character tags, parentheticals, minislugs, and shot tags.


Quoted Text
Tenma rides in the back with Yacine.


If Yacine is in the back, who's driving?

Nina is our second character from the original series.

Is this animated? A mini-flinch would be too subtle to draw.

Is Tenma on the phone? I'm confused.

Okay, you tell us he hangs up. But you never told us he was on the phone.

Why is "Radio" capitalized?

Wait. How can we see them if they're on the radio? Or are they outside in front of the cab?


Quoted Text
MATTHEW
(removes the sheet)


This is what I was talking about above. This should be at the top of the next page instead of the bottom of this one.


Quoted Text
The level of detail s here is impressive.



Quoted Text
Do you [W]ant me to confiscate this thing it, Matt?



Quoted Text
No, please. Not a real gun [It's not real], I swear.


Be economical in your dialogue. Listen to how people talk in real life.


Quoted Text
Alright. Keep on pushing[,] then.


Dr. Denton appears to be yet another character original to this script.

"drums" is a verb, right?


Quoted Text
How many times did I [fucking] tell you not to take fucking risks with my patients??


I think it reads better than Denton repeating himself.

A female is a "blonde."

The Consititution should be capitalized, if you're referring to the "gold old US of A." Proper nouns/names should always be capitalized.


Quoted Text
a [the] life of a child.



Quoted Text
People who refuse to bury their weapon(s)


I've never heard of the word "mountebank." I doubt a 9-year-old girl has, either.


Quoted Text
The mountebanks(,) who take cover behind the (S)econd (A)mendment have never knew (known) the pain and the terror of a student taking cover behind his teacher(,) who was meant to educate(,) not to be a barricade.



Quoted Text
Some people start to clap along[,] but not for long.


"Applause" is an uncountable noun, and therefore, you can treat it as singular.


Quoted Text
He texts contact "Mom": "I'm walking back home. I'll be late."



Quoted Text
abstract-art-shit


Wayne's one of the cops, right?

"Lord" is usually capitalized, even if it's not specifically referencing Jesus.

"Considering" what?


Quoted Text
Sir! -- Fuck.


Goodbye, network TV.

"fresh[-]baked"


Quoted Text
INT. TERAS ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - CORRIDOR - DAY

Ale and Cameron walk the abandoned corridors hallway.


Never repeat yourself.


Quoted Text
It's closed. No sign of anyone being inside. [Empty.]



Quoted Text
the door['s] glass window.


Easier to understand.

"CONTINIOUS" should be "CONTINUOUS." Even so, "CONTINUOUS" is almost never necessary.


Quoted Text
table[']s barricade


Lie = willingly lie down
Lay = made/forced to lay down

Learn the difference.

Even as an expression, Jesus Christ is a proper name and must be capitalized.

How do you knock with your badge?


Quoted Text
INT. SCIENCE FAIR GALLERY - DAY


Keep your slugs consistent. If your slug is INT. BOB SMITH'S HOUSE - DAY, don't change it to INT. BOB'S HOUSE - DAY. A slug should be exactly the same in each and every instance.


Quoted Text
Tenma treads carefully.





Quoted Text
Danger might be lurking behind any stand -- under any table.


Remember, ONLY write what we can see and hear.

"old, wooden TV set." CRT? Standard definition?

"School clinic." I'd change it to "school nurse."


Quoted Text
Someone just show me the way.


Oh, won't you... show me the way
I want you... to show me the way
I want you... day after day, yeah




Quoted Text
I['ll] must come with you. You wouldn't know what the things I need they even look like.



Quoted Text
I can't risk [it.] having anyone outside with a gunman on the loose.



Quoted Text
She's bleeding to death! We need to move now.


Don't tell us she's bleeding to death, show us.


Quoted Text
Jason, sweating like a son of [a] bitch, rubs his forehead.



Quoted Text
Why the [hell/fuck] is [nobody] here yet?



Quoted Text
Can anyone come with us to show us the way to the clinic[,] please?



Quoted Text
A 9 YEARS  OLD 9-year-old, ROY, steps forward. Tears run down his cheek.


"Marine" is a proper noun and must be capitalized.


Quoted Text
Can we pick up the pace a little? She's only got six pints of blood. And someone just put a hole in her.


Show it.


Quoted Text
I know. I know. But what's the point if we take this long? To save her, [W]e gotta take some fucking risks.


"Jason's iris"? Why can't you just say "Jason's eye"?


Quoted Text
I want you close behind[,] like [to be] my shadow.



Quoted Text
INT. THE GYM - DAY


The word "the" is almost never necessary in a slug. Think of news headlines.


Quoted Text
Help is on [the] way, people.



Quoted Text
She is [N]ot good.


I didn't get that cut? What does it have to do with this scene? Seems like a random non-sequitur.


Quoted Text
Those didn't sound like the first ones. The cop fired those shots.



Quoted Text
ALE (O.S.)
Open up!

JASON (O.S.) Open the door.


Pick one.


Quoted Text
-- DETECTIVE LEO


I would remove the dashes.

"Still" meaning motionless, or "still" meaning nevertheless?

Also, there's an extra space separating Albert and Leo's dialogue.


Quoted Text
No cab, and no cab driver yet.


Redundant.


Quoted Text
Where[']s your watch?


Don't these guys ever use contractions? Not everybody speaks like an English teacher.

*SPOILERS*


Quoted Text
So a [9-year-old] -- [a straight-A student] with a perfect record [--] hid a gun in plain sight[?] Fooled an [ex-Marine?] Committed an assassination and evaporated into thin air, while an armed Japanese guy, with no [I.D.], was roaming the school and the cab he took that morning [disappeared without a trace?]



Quoted Text
What a day. What a beautiful day.


It's a beautiful day
Sky falls, you feel like
It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away



Why don't you describe the object? That's your job.

I had a feeling it was a stink bomb. Oh, boy, do I remember those.

It's "9-year-old," not "9 years old." The former is the person; the latter is the age.

Isn't Elon Musk the SpaceX guy?


Quoted Text
Up some nosy asshole's asshole.


I love this line. This would never be on network TV, but damn, I love this line.

It's "lost in thought," not "thoughts."


Quoted Text
You don't remember if he pointed [it] at you or not?



Quoted Text
Jason shoots him in the chest once. Twice.


Three times a lady!




Quoted Text
BACK TO THE INTERROGATION ROOM:


Should be "BACK TO SCENE" and on the left.


Quoted Text
I don't think he did. He was as startled as much I was. He [spun] toward me and I just pulled the trigger.



Quoted Text
[Spun] toward you how?



Quoted Text
Maybe he was [just there] to help?


Sounds more natural.

"Two surgery residents"? You mean patients?


Quoted Text
And I knew the day [would] come when someone will pay the price for your stunts.


I think it would be more dramatic if she just mouthed the words. Literally no sound. She can't bring herself to say it. Remember in School of Rock, Miss Lemons couldn't bring herself to say that "all this pressure" has turned her into a "bitch."


Quoted Text
MEDIA HYENAS


Huh? You mean the press? Media? Paparazzi? Not literal hyenas?

"I know my son. I know my Matthew."

Pick one. I like "Matthew" better.

"(Muted scene)" should be "(MOS)".

"mom" should be capitalized in this context.


Quoted Text
Whatever you do, please don't stop loving me. I need your love and prayer now more than [ever]. And if the day comes where you think you just saw me and think you lost your mind, you didn't lose it. I will be watching over you. Because whenever I lose my strength, only seeing you smile can give it back to me. I love you, [Mom]. You are the best thing that ever happened to me.


*SPOILER*


Quoted Text
It's not the same Yacine we saw driving Tenma.


WTF?  


Quoted Text
Mom, I'm home. [Why aren't you] on the porch waiting for me[?] I really needed that.



Quoted Text
(Harry Styles - Sign Of The Times)


Oh, hell no! PLEASE, for the love of God, pick a better song by a better artist. How about "The Times They Are A-Chaingin'" by Bob Dylan?


Quoted Text
INT. SOME APARTMENT - NIGHT



Quoted Text
a countdown at his last seconds


His? Who's?


Quoted Text
Then all automatic fire extinguisher(s) go off. It rains inside.



Quoted Text
Colored strings [connect]



Quoted Text
Pictures of Teras Elementary School [tie] to two photos


Still, what does this even mean?

To be continued...


FADE IN:

Revision History (1 edits)
ChrisBodily  -  June 7th, 2018, 4:41am
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ChrisBodily
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Part 2 of 2. (when your script has so many issues that it takes two posts to point them out, you know it has problems)


Quoted Text
This is not water. Gasoline?


On second thought, how about Halsey's "Gasoline" instead of the great Bob Dylan? Probably an easier song to get, anyway?


Quoted Text
He just gapes for a very long [beat].


"the nameless monster has" or "the nameless monsters have." Pick one.

"THE END" should be (somewhat) centered.

The story is pretty good, your English was rough, and your taste in music is atrocious ().


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Gary in Houston
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I'm not a fan of anime, so I've never seen this.  I looked at the clip and not sure what it was about although it's set in a hospital.  Shouldn't matter - the story should stand on its own here.

I'm five pages in and I fell like I've been introduced to at 15 or 16 different characters.  WAY too many characters for me to keep track with in that short a time span.  I'm not connecting with anyone.

Your action blocks are fine.  The dialogue really needs some work.  Not coming off as natural to me.  

The story is going all over the place by page 10. Very confusing to the reader.  Needs much fewer characters and more structure.

Not sure exactly what I just read and whether it's a true reboot.  Story was too long. You could probably cut this by five pages, easily, by eliminating several characters and focusing on just 4-6 of them.  Your writing isn't bad -- at least the action blocks are not -- it just needs tightening up and some discipline.  Also note that humor is very difficult to balance in a dramatic story like this.  For me, all the humor falls flat when set against the nature of the story.  I'd remove a lot of those jokes and focus more on making us care about the characters.

Best of luck,
Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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SAC
Posted: June 10th, 2018, 10:06pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

Yes, this is over the limit. I'm normally a stickler for that, but not today for some reason. Anyway. I thought this was written extremely well. The action was written perfectly - not giving us too much, but just enough. It all flowed pretty well, too. So good job there. Thing is, I have no idea exactly what was going on. There were so many characters, and I couldn't latch on to jut one - the protagonist. Scenes everywhere, so many people and places. It all left me very confused. Again, I liked what I read, but I couldn't grasp the story here. Overall, it did not work for me though I wish it had.

Steve


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Spqr
Posted: June 12th, 2018, 2:58pm Report to Moderator
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On page 6: I don't think even a replica of a gun is going to get past security, even one that is green. Mathew says the message of the gun in the heart is that "Only love can control it." Maybe Wayne could answer back that the gun should be inside a brain because that's where the insanity to use a gun is located.

On page 8: Dominica is obviously super smart, so why would she use a spelling bee word like
"mountebanks"? I've never heard anyone use it in real life, and I don't think I've ever seen used in the countless books I've read.

On pages 17-18: Cops don't know what the "object" is, only that it was interfering with their radios. Then it turns out that object was an old TV. It's hard to mistake a TV for anything else, and if it's causing interference -- and it's obviously not connected to a power source -- then this is going to immediately raise all sorts of red flags. Then when they open it, it explodes into a cloud of smoke and stink. Supposedly to throw K9s off the track in case they start chasing Mathew?

On pages 22-23: Mathew's note is too long and doesn't lend any clarity to what he was thinking.

This is a decent first-draft, but there are too many characters and too many complications.

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khamanna
Posted: June 16th, 2018, 1:01pm Report to Moderator
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Hi,

I'm interested to see where it's going. You kept up my attention, and I was invested.
You gave very little on the monsters though. What are they, what's the experiment is about, why Matthew is in. You could clue us in a little.

Too many characters. Do we really need to see Jason's partner? Or Ale's partner, Cameron? I think you could easily get rid of those two.

You got me thinking that Matthew is not a monster, that something bad happened to him. And I actually think that Dominque is not a good one. I'm curious to see what's behind it. I think you could provide something in the short form at the end. Like "Dominique does this, Mathew that..." Something more. Otherwise, there are no clues to the puzzle at all.
Although I am interested to see how it ends.

I'd actually watch this series with great pleasure. But please think of deleting a number of characters and have some sort of flow - especially at the beginning.
Better connect the scenes - these people see each other at school. Have them see each other in the morning or something. Otherwise, it was a task to get through the first several scenes.
Very good job I say.
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