Ed Wood's ghost may just have taken over the bodies of writer/directors Jaime Bradshaw and Alexander Doulerain. I kid not...this truly falls into that oh so rare What the Fuck category.
Where to begin? Oh fuck it...
Last year, I saw a trailer for this and I thought it looked pretty cool. I never heard of it or saw it again and didn't even remember the name, until I was browsing the new DVD releases on Netflix. I immediately saw the 1 star rating, but that never stops me.
Oh My God!!! Simply unreal. The complete and utter ineptitude on display is just shocking. This is a true train wreck in every way imaginable. You really have to see it to believe it, much like Wood's classic, "Plan 9 From Outer Space".
The film takes place mostly in Russia. Our main Protag is a Russkie, named Misha, played by Ed Stoppard, who does an absolutely horrible job here...embarrassing, actually. His girlfriend is Abby, played by a surprisingly chesty LeeLee Sobieski. Good old Jeffrey Tambor embarrasses himself as Abby's father, as well as Misha's boss. Finally, we have Max Von Sydow as (and I kid you not) "the Marketing Guru" (but I could have sworn I read somewhere that his actual character name was "World Marketing Guru").
To try and lay out the "plot" and/or story is a very difficult undertaking. This thing is all over the place and silly and goofy as imaginable. But let me say a few things just to wet your whistle...
The film is randomly narrated by a constellation of stars that looks like an animated cow. You read that correctly. It's done in a female voice that sounds like it's speaking to a group of children. When it speaks, the aspect ratio of the picture drops from full screen to a small square for some unknown reason. This narration takes place because...well...hmmm...I'm not sure. Actually, I have no idea in the world why, but without it, the scenes that it accompanies would be literally impossible to have the slightest clue what is supposed to be going on and or why.
Some highlights -
The movie spans at least 6 years by its own account (and probably more like 10, if you consider reality for a brief moment) yet not a single character shows any signs of aging.
The World Marketing Guru lives in a mansion on a Caribbean island, yet every scene here is laugh out loud obvious that the "scenery" is simply a green screen. Actually, every scene here feels like it's literally from a different movie completely and is just ludicrous.
At one point, the cow constellation fires a lightning bolt down to Earth and incinerates the World Marketing Guru, for some unknown reason. Only his goofy robe he wears is left and there's no mention of him again in the flick.
The trailers seem to show a completely different movie then what was finally released and attempt to show scenes and characters that are not at all connected as being in the scene together.
In the 2nd half of the movie, after Misha is told by the constellation that he must perform a sacrifice on a special red cow, he obtains the power to "see" that brands have come alive and are comprised of various "monsters". Some of these monsters resemble giant balloons, while others are pathetic paper mache dragons and other flying blobs.
I'd love to go on an on. I honestly would. But this is truly one of those flicks you have to see for yourself. Well, maybe it's best to be viewed with some others, while consuming copious amounts of alcohol and other party favors.
You will not believe the story here. You will not believe the acting here. You will not believe the FX here.
If Ed Wood were still alive, he would do everything in his power to have a Menage with Bradshaw and Doulerain, while the animated cow constellation watches and narrates from above, throwing out random lightning bolts.
Things don't get much worse, kids. See it to believe it!!!!
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