But everyone already knows that it's my script...

Judy, Judy, Judy!

I'm sorry, but this didn't really work for me.

I'm going to repeat what someone said about my comedy entry in April. "This isn't very cinematic. Mostly just dialogue, reads almost like a radio play". This is a dialogue driven script, but I don't find the dialogue to be that great. Nor did I think it was funny. I found your three main carachters to be very much alike. They way they talk and act.

The story itself wasn't very engaging either.

My suggestion would be that you try to think more visually and then try to describe better for us what we see (without using WE SEE's of course).

I ditto what Higgonaitor said. He's right. Your carachters need better motives and everything should move the story forward. If it doesn't, then it just makes the story drag.

I'm sorry I couldn't be more positive. Don't take it too hard though. You should've seen my first script here. Yikes!!

Heeeeey Punk,

Well, as others have said, and I read your explanation too so don't worry, you didn't really use the theme in this script. Two mentions of the jack-o'-lantern and that's it.

I thought the part where James randomly smashes the glass was pretty funny. Same with the Old Man wearing Eric's nametag. I had to read it over a few times to get it, and you said, "PULL BACK TO REVEAL: The Old Man is wearing a name-tag which says 'Eric' on it!" but I think it'd be funnier if he was just holding it rather than it got stuck on him when he hugged (if that's what happened).

And if they're going to be moving in slow-motion the entire time when they're in the muesum...well, that'd just get annoying, but I assume that that's not happening.

Nice work.

Sean

Not sure I get this.  Think most things have been mentioned, not near Halloween then it's Halloween moments later.  Pumpkins being put in pants, how big are these pants?

But overall I just don't get the story, truth or bear is a funny concept but I think I need a good toke to get any of this lol.

Format wise this aint to bad except for a few camera directions.  The pumpkin carving seemed to be missing though.  Final thoughts arfe that this is just too weird for its own good.

Well, there was a pumpkin...sort of, not carved in any kind of jack 'o lantern style, but incredibly useful for fending off a bear with food allergies chasing you down in the Rock N Roll Hall of fame...

Forgot too many jimmys in your list...What about Buffet?! Eat World? Why did Jerry Sienfeld make the list over James Hedfield??

Looking at it as bizarre creative writing short, it's OK, but as an entry for this specific challenge...not so much.

Everyone knows Jerry Seinfeld is more Rock N' Roll than Metallica...

Also, "not near Halloween then it's Halloween" -- I better clear this up, the joke is that it ISN'T near Halloween, and that Eric is so stupid that even though Oliver already mentioned it not being near Halloween, he still thought it was, just because James was carving a Jack O' Latern.

I'm sorry, but I just didn't get any of it.  How did he come up with this idea of playing "Truth or Bear?"  How is it that a bear would chase him for his life?  Is the bear some kind of metaphor for trouble?

I think the problem is that we're not inside your head.  As writers it's our job to get what we mean across to the reader.  If we don't, we can't blame the reader.  It can be a real challenge because we take things for granted.  It may be obvious to us, but that's as far as it goes.

Sandra

There's not meant to be any real weight to it, it's just meant to be silly jokes.

dslah, you aren't supposed to comment until after the challenge.  Have some consideration for everyone else who has to wait until the names are announced.  You aren't making any friends on the board by behaving badly.

Apologies.

I shall not comment again. I didn't think I was causing any harm...

Fine script but I think you'll get more out of the challenge if you try to stick closely to the theme and genre. It's interesting having to write within set confines.

Quoted from mcornetto dslah, you aren't supposed to comment until after the challenge.  Have some consideration for everyone else who has to wait until the names are announced.  You aren't making any friends on the board by behaving badly.

Quoted from dslah Apologies. I shall not comment again. I didn't think I was causing any harm...

that's what I was trying to tell you before dslah  

Understanding that this was supposed to be nonsensical, I still found it kind of...blah.  I think it has to do with neither Eric nor Oliver having much in the way of motivation.  I think if James really wanted to be on that list of guitar playing Jimmys, he'd have put up a fight about more than playing bridge in the beginning during the truth or dare part.  Also, when coming out of the slo-mo, Eric should just apologize and look embarrassed, telling us it's a joke kinda kills the joke.  But good work on the funny part.  I liked the bear smashing the guitar at the end.