It's odd, a friend of mine had suggested I write a script for this with all of the monsters sitting around carving pumpkins and complaining like old Jewish men about the new style of horror flicks.  Dracula complaining about freaky little girls.  The Mummy whining about shot for shot remakes.  The werewolf moaning about "PG-13 horror."  Frankenstein's monster just says "Freddie Kruger sucks."  Just to give a mindset about what I walked into with this piece.  That was probably better than the piece I handed in.

I liked the idea of using each creature's particular schtick, like the witch's watch, which should shriek twice for two o'clock.  I really like the mummy and the creature from the black lagoon showing up in a convertible.  What a visual that'd be.  I had less of a problem with the multiple characters, since we have a head start as to who most of these characters are.  Except one, which we'll get to later.

At first, the bit with the comb was pretty funny, but it got a little over used.  The problem is that, as I went along, I kind of felt like there was something I was missing.  It's a tough trick to use political satire when it is on a state level, because it loses the audience unless it's done in such a way that the audience doesn't lose out and those who do get it will just get a bonus laugh.  I felt left out and lost.  I didn't get a feel for Goldcomb, but if the script wasn't so beat you about the head Michigan politic-centric, it wouldn't have been an issue.  So says the NYer whose got a senator and former mayor running for the big chair.  

And hey, if this was Michigan, where was Ash?

Quoted from Higgonaitor .... i don't know if anyone else ha sthe scooby obsession I have).

Yeah, all the people who read Stratagem.



Anyway, on to the script.  I had some high hopes for this one based on the logline, but I was left a little unsatisfied.  I was really hoping to see a lot more puns, like Higgonaitor said, and even some more stereotypical stuff for each monster.  There's a few things in there, but it could have been punched up a bit.  I think this would have helped define the characters a little more as well.

I completely missed the real life reference since I haven't had much time to watch the news lately, so I'll give you some bonus points for being topical.

A good effort, but not quite there yet for me.

This one was disappointing. You had a solid beginning with some clever jokes (Dracula and his suntan lotion). You set up an interesting setting and some funny characters that could have generated a great comedy but then everything sort of fell apart when the governor of Michigan showed up. What was her purpose?  

I think that this would have been more enjoyable if I lived in Michigan. I even went to Wikipedia and researched Jennifer Granholm in an attempt to understand the jokes better. People shouldn’t have to work that hard to get jokes and references.

I think the set up was very funny. The dialogue is suitable deadpan as well. They're all taking the contest quite seriously. Lots to be done with the idea but unfortunately limited to 12 pages - and of course one week. Good stuff.

This one is simply marvelous!  I just can't say enough about how much I think this is simply the best I've read so far and one of the best that I will come to read as I work my way through these.

I only have a couple very small details to mention:

>Little Red Riding Hood [makes it to him] clean this up.  Maybe: Little Red Riding Hood arrives in front the werewolf, hands on her hips, she stares him down while the werewolf, confused, then shocked watches her grow...

The use of "make it" again on page five where the creature and the mummy "make it" to the table.  Just say, "arrive."

I really think you've done a good job of incorporating humor into this challenge.  I love your part with the "witch watch."

Gee whiz, what's not to like about this?

Superb!

Sandra

The script was a pleasant enough read.  Familiar characters and a cartoon type of verbal humor.  Even though the target is political corruption the script never makes it to (or seems to aspire to) the level of satire.

I don’t think the reader has to know anything about the state of Michigan to get the joke.  Crazy governor with plans and social programs suffer.  It’s sadly kind of universal and at least in the writer’s world the governor gets some sort of brimstoney comeuppance.

This script was probably the best that I've read from this challenge, though I think your political message ruins it.  

The idea of movie monsters getting together for some Halloween festivities really works.    I would like to see this polished up and without Goldencomb.


Phil

I just want to say thank you to everyone who read this.

The challenge came at a time when a certain person was thinking about shutting down everything that is run by the state, including the parks, so I had to get a dig in.

Cindy

I think this might be my favorite of your scripts, Cindy.  You should right this again and stretch it out.  Make it a kid's movie; I think you have a lot of promise in this.


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe I think this might be my favorite of your scripts, Cindy.  You should right this again and stretch it out.  Make it a kid's movie; I think you have a lot of promise in this. Phil

I'm glad you liked it, Phil.

I've been working on an outline for a new script that I plan to write soon. I don't think anyone has written a horror script in one of those Haunted woods that are open to the public for Halloween...

but yeah, I think I will do a rewrite on this one. It should be fun. I love Halloween, and my grandkids should get a kick out of it if I keep them in mind while writing it.  

Cindy

Don,
Thank you for getting the rewrite up so quick.

After reading this draft, I'm wondering if I should have had the witch hand out sunglasses to everyone there?...

Oh well, it was fun to rewrite.

Cindy,

This was a hoot.  I pretty much enjoyed it all, especially the jokes, i.e. UV.
The Mummy and the Creature pull up in a vette?  Oh yeah, my kind of monsters.
Some thoughts:   Maybe the Devil could have asked who Mary was?  How dare him, right.
Then Mary can rant about being mightier than God.
How about if she pulls up in a gold-plated limo or something.  And the lowly ranger sputtering behind her in his jeep.

I didn't get some of the references, the La Cucaracha bit and the big check.  How about a bunch of checks made out to the Gov, from the Gas Co., the Electric Co., GM, etc.  Payoff money.
And a wad of cash.

I was thinking that after Mary gets lanternized, she could sing her song while the monsters continue to party and carve pumpkins.  Have the winner decided after sundown.  When the park gets dark and spooky.  
Then maybe Mary gets scared, turns on her flashlight and the light projects the Frankenstein Monster's carved jack-o-lantern.  Oh... maybe Frank didn't get around to a real carving.
Maybe Mary tries to carve her way out and it forms a face.
And the winner is ... Frank Einstein for the cleverest entry.
Whatever...Haha.

Anyway, it was all fun.  I had no problem with the number of monsters because they are all familiar.  Kinda hard getting Dracula mixed up with the Creature, etc.  So it worked fine for me.
At first, the political stuff kind of bogged down the story.  On a reread, I thought you handled it pretty good.

* Giving it 4 Claws Up.

Hey Abe,

I'm glad you gave this one a read, and I'm glad you liked it. This rewrite was sitting here for a while without reads, and I was beginning to wonder if I had coodies or something. Glad I don't.

This script was a lot of fun to write.

I like your ideas for the next rewrite... Mary pulling up in a gold-plated limo, the Devil thinking the Governor is a man, money and checks in Mary's purse, and Mary carving her way out of the pumpkin.

I can't wait to get onto the rewrite now.

Thanks again,
Cindy

I just saw that the real Mary Goldencomb may try to shut down the state again if she doesn't get her tax dollars she wants again  

True

I say we beat her with pumpkins.


Phil