Monster's Contest by Cindy L. Keller - Short, Comedy - All the monsters want to do on this fine afternoon is have their Halloween Party when they are stopped by a corrupt politician.. <12 pages - pdf, format

Not bad.  I got a couple of chuckles out of some of the jokes.  I think you were kind of going for zany comedy here and I think in order to achieve that you need to ramp up the humour even more, more jokes per page.   I also thought your characters could use some attention as some fell short of feeling complete, perhap you had a tad too many for the page count.

32

It was kinda funny. The characters, especially Frankenstien was good, but not developed much since you had too many. I would have liked to know why they were there in the first place. What they would have won? It would have probably added more to the comedy.  

Gabe

This one had an awesome concept but it was way too silly for me.  The jokes and gags didn't do much for me either.

things I learned from this script:
1.  Monsters live in Michigan
2.  Light makes people scream

The concept was funny though.  I wish I thought of it.

This one kinda reminded me of the movie the monster club, all these different movie creatures in one place.  I think you could have made Frankenstein's monster more the way he is in the films, not being able to talk well and stumbling around, he seemed too intelligent here.  Anyways the theme was used very well and this had some good laughs especially the little red riding song done by the werewolf and the La ku ca ra cha! La ku ca ra cha! bit by Jennifer.  Good work.

Forgot your title page!

U V protected. LMAO. Love that line – and this one “Because their husbands have hallow weenies!

My only gripeS ARE the check bit, didn’t quite appeal to me and there are too many characters for my liking; otherwise quite a good story.

My OWC Challenge rating of your script “Carving of a Jack O’ Lantern”:  7/10
Comedy Structure: 7/10
My rating of your script overall: 7/10

Like the others have said this one was kind of out there...
It might be good for animation though, but I also think it needs more comedy.
Michigan, and Jennifer who really tried to close down the state last week because of the lack of funds... Humm...
I would have also liked to known what the winner would have won.
Good concept though.

Cindy

This is a current event!  Well that went right over my head.

This was, imo, very funny -- course I'm jacked up on Nyquil. Still, it's over-the-top, and appropriately so.

Well done,

Seth

....

....

...I loved it.

I think the reason is that I was a huge FAN  of those scooby doo movies, like "scooby doo an dthe ghoul school" and all that, and this reminded me exactly of one of those.  Absoultely wonderful.  I can see this animated, pcture all the voices.  Just change a joke or two, and more puns, and you've got yourself a winner (in my book at least, i don't know if anyone else ha sthe scooby obsession I have).

-Tyler

Heeeeey Punk,




ZOMBIES. Sorry. I noticed that there weren't any in most of the script. I was thinking: "There are all these Halloween monsters everywhere, but no zombies?" And then they came. Same with the ghosts. There weren't any and they're probably one of the most famous Halloween monsters around.

Anyways, Jennifer Goldencomb. Haha when she started singing the La cu ca racha song, I was like, "WTF?" But then I laughed when the Park Ranger said, "She's speaking in tongues!"

Also, when the Devil threw Jennifer into the pit to Hell, I could imagine Frankenstein staring at where his pumpkin used to be, and a tear slowly falls down his face as he says "My Pumpkin..." all defeated and stuff. Was this intended on being an animated script? I think it'd work better if it is.

Some of the jokes lagged, but this was a cute script. I enjoyed it and, to be honest, it's made me very excited for Halloween.

Sean

I enjoyed the beginning of this script but the ending less so.  

The idea of the Devil, Dracula and so on carving pumpkins was very funny.  For me though the embezzling part could have been better. The characters came across very well and funny, especially the red riding hood bit.

There were some good and funny dialogue but overall I was left a bit disappointed.

I liked the collection of monsters in this, with Frankenstien, Dracula, and the like...

The whole Jennifer Goldencomb part seemed like a joke that I wasn't in on, as I'm barely knowlegable of politics here in Florida, never mind what shenanigans Jen Goldencomb (Granholm) is doing up in Michigan...

I gather that she has a differing opinion on immigration issues then the writer and she chose to strengthen social programs at the expense of supporting public parks. Not really funny, at least not to the uninformed.

I'm glad Frankenstien was happy that he got a new big pumpkin...

I don't remember to read something very childish like this story - Read childish as a type of story that make interest just to a child. The "witch, watch, writs together in lines very near was very funny. The other thing that I've lost was about the Michigan politics joke, I'm sorry. Maybe it was the best part of this hybrid script; half comedy, half terror.

A good try!

This script suffered mostly IMHO from too many carachters in such a short script. We don't really get to know any of them enough to care too much about them.

I liked the idea of monsters having a pumpkin carving contest. That was a good idea.

The Jennifer Goldencomb part can go I think. Just make it about monsters having the carving contest and skip the corrupt politican part altogether.

The writing itself was fine.

Pia

It's odd, a friend of mine had suggested I write a script for this with all of the monsters sitting around carving pumpkins and complaining like old Jewish men about the new style of horror flicks.  Dracula complaining about freaky little girls.  The Mummy whining about shot for shot remakes.  The werewolf moaning about "PG-13 horror."  Frankenstein's monster just says "Freddie Kruger sucks."  Just to give a mindset about what I walked into with this piece.  That was probably better than the piece I handed in.

I liked the idea of using each creature's particular schtick, like the witch's watch, which should shriek twice for two o'clock.  I really like the mummy and the creature from the black lagoon showing up in a convertible.  What a visual that'd be.  I had less of a problem with the multiple characters, since we have a head start as to who most of these characters are.  Except one, which we'll get to later.

At first, the bit with the comb was pretty funny, but it got a little over used.  The problem is that, as I went along, I kind of felt like there was something I was missing.  It's a tough trick to use political satire when it is on a state level, because it loses the audience unless it's done in such a way that the audience doesn't lose out and those who do get it will just get a bonus laugh.  I felt left out and lost.  I didn't get a feel for Goldcomb, but if the script wasn't so beat you about the head Michigan politic-centric, it wouldn't have been an issue.  So says the NYer whose got a senator and former mayor running for the big chair.  

And hey, if this was Michigan, where was Ash?

Quoted from Higgonaitor .... i don't know if anyone else ha sthe scooby obsession I have).

Yeah, all the people who read Stratagem.



Anyway, on to the script.  I had some high hopes for this one based on the logline, but I was left a little unsatisfied.  I was really hoping to see a lot more puns, like Higgonaitor said, and even some more stereotypical stuff for each monster.  There's a few things in there, but it could have been punched up a bit.  I think this would have helped define the characters a little more as well.

I completely missed the real life reference since I haven't had much time to watch the news lately, so I'll give you some bonus points for being topical.

A good effort, but not quite there yet for me.

This one was disappointing. You had a solid beginning with some clever jokes (Dracula and his suntan lotion). You set up an interesting setting and some funny characters that could have generated a great comedy but then everything sort of fell apart when the governor of Michigan showed up. What was her purpose?  

I think that this would have been more enjoyable if I lived in Michigan. I even went to Wikipedia and researched Jennifer Granholm in an attempt to understand the jokes better. People shouldn’t have to work that hard to get jokes and references.

I think the set up was very funny. The dialogue is suitable deadpan as well. They're all taking the contest quite seriously. Lots to be done with the idea but unfortunately limited to 12 pages - and of course one week. Good stuff.

This one is simply marvelous!  I just can't say enough about how much I think this is simply the best I've read so far and one of the best that I will come to read as I work my way through these.

I only have a couple very small details to mention:

>Little Red Riding Hood [makes it to him] clean this up.  Maybe: Little Red Riding Hood arrives in front the werewolf, hands on her hips, she stares him down while the werewolf, confused, then shocked watches her grow...

The use of "make it" again on page five where the creature and the mummy "make it" to the table.  Just say, "arrive."

I really think you've done a good job of incorporating humor into this challenge.  I love your part with the "witch watch."

Gee whiz, what's not to like about this?

Superb!

Sandra

The script was a pleasant enough read.  Familiar characters and a cartoon type of verbal humor.  Even though the target is political corruption the script never makes it to (or seems to aspire to) the level of satire.

I don’t think the reader has to know anything about the state of Michigan to get the joke.  Crazy governor with plans and social programs suffer.  It’s sadly kind of universal and at least in the writer’s world the governor gets some sort of brimstoney comeuppance.

This script was probably the best that I've read from this challenge, though I think your political message ruins it.  

The idea of movie monsters getting together for some Halloween festivities really works.    I would like to see this polished up and without Goldencomb.


Phil

I just want to say thank you to everyone who read this.

The challenge came at a time when a certain person was thinking about shutting down everything that is run by the state, including the parks, so I had to get a dig in.

Cindy

I think this might be my favorite of your scripts, Cindy.  You should right this again and stretch it out.  Make it a kid's movie; I think you have a lot of promise in this.


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe I think this might be my favorite of your scripts, Cindy.  You should right this again and stretch it out.  Make it a kid's movie; I think you have a lot of promise in this. Phil

I'm glad you liked it, Phil.

I've been working on an outline for a new script that I plan to write soon. I don't think anyone has written a horror script in one of those Haunted woods that are open to the public for Halloween...

but yeah, I think I will do a rewrite on this one. It should be fun. I love Halloween, and my grandkids should get a kick out of it if I keep them in mind while writing it.  

Cindy

Don,
Thank you for getting the rewrite up so quick.

After reading this draft, I'm wondering if I should have had the witch hand out sunglasses to everyone there?...

Oh well, it was fun to rewrite.

Cindy,

This was a hoot.  I pretty much enjoyed it all, especially the jokes, i.e. UV.
The Mummy and the Creature pull up in a vette?  Oh yeah, my kind of monsters.
Some thoughts:   Maybe the Devil could have asked who Mary was?  How dare him, right.
Then Mary can rant about being mightier than God.
How about if she pulls up in a gold-plated limo or something.  And the lowly ranger sputtering behind her in his jeep.

I didn't get some of the references, the La Cucaracha bit and the big check.  How about a bunch of checks made out to the Gov, from the Gas Co., the Electric Co., GM, etc.  Payoff money.
And a wad of cash.

I was thinking that after Mary gets lanternized, she could sing her song while the monsters continue to party and carve pumpkins.  Have the winner decided after sundown.  When the park gets dark and spooky.  
Then maybe Mary gets scared, turns on her flashlight and the light projects the Frankenstein Monster's carved jack-o-lantern.  Oh... maybe Frank didn't get around to a real carving.
Maybe Mary tries to carve her way out and it forms a face.
And the winner is ... Frank Einstein for the cleverest entry.
Whatever...Haha.

Anyway, it was all fun.  I had no problem with the number of monsters because they are all familiar.  Kinda hard getting Dracula mixed up with the Creature, etc.  So it worked fine for me.
At first, the political stuff kind of bogged down the story.  On a reread, I thought you handled it pretty good.

* Giving it 4 Claws Up.

Hey Abe,

I'm glad you gave this one a read, and I'm glad you liked it. This rewrite was sitting here for a while without reads, and I was beginning to wonder if I had coodies or something. Glad I don't.

This script was a lot of fun to write.

I like your ideas for the next rewrite... Mary pulling up in a gold-plated limo, the Devil thinking the Governor is a man, money and checks in Mary's purse, and Mary carving her way out of the pumpkin.

I can't wait to get onto the rewrite now.

Thanks again,
Cindy

I just saw that the real Mary Goldencomb may try to shut down the state again if she doesn't get her tax dollars she wants again  

True

I say we beat her with pumpkins.


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe I say we beat her with pumpkins. Phil

or cantalopes.

The rewrite is up if anyone cares to take a look.

Cindy