Hey,

I thought this was a good idea that was pretty well executed.

That said, I only found myself smiling here and there, didn't really chuckle. I enjoyed the little moral you put in it, and I thought you handled that really well.

Overall, nice use of the theme, a clever idea, pretty well written, but a lot of the jokes didn't really work for me. Nice effort though.

sheepwalker

This was very good.  The jack o'lantern head is a great idea but I'm feeling a strong serious undercurrent to this piece, the dangers of the media and wanting to look good.
The story was funny though and I really enjoyed this.  this is one of the best I've read so far.

A final note, and I could be wrong, but I have an inkling this is written by an Aussie.  Just one part regarding Lazaredis and I came to this conclusion, could of course be a totally different lazaredis to the Aussie footballer.

A very clever take on the challenge’s rules. I liked it a lot. You kept a big smile on my face from “FADE IN” to the end. Not only the concept is funny, the writing is funny as well (Jack o Jimmy, haha) and it goes well with this story’s tone.

“Theme” is what could be improved in this piece. It’s hard to make a thematic statement in just 12 pages, I know, but some moral undertones are hinted here. Jimmy is overly concerned about his psychical appearance, and that’s the character flaw that leads to its self mutilation.

It seemed to me that Jimmy had an external want (look good) in conflict with an internal need (learn to appreciate himself for what he is). You have all the right elements here to make Jimmy learn a lesson, yet after the story ends it doesn’t seem like he did.

A character arc is hinted here, dig deep into it. Plenty of laughs, but as far as “theme” goes I think you only scratched the surface.

Overall this was a very good script, but I think it has potential to be better.

Very Kafka, waking up with a pumpkin head...Entirely different and unique take on the carving of a pumpkin theme.

Really liked the conversation with the old lady. That was a funny moment!

Makes a statement about how people try to change themselves to better suit others, carryed out in a comical scenario. People are image obsessed, as evident by Britney's latest TV appearance.

Expected that after Jimmy was successful with the ladies that his buddies would have gotten pumpkin heads, too.

Great, funny visuals of Jimmy the Pumpkinhead running around, doing his thing, chasing down the Skater Boy with (assumed) his cell phone camera.

Not sure what to make of the Balloon head ending, other than he's finally happy with who is and doesn't have to change anymore...

I really enjoyed this piece.  It had a nice through line, with Jimmy constantly fixing himself to appeal to others around him, each time answering with the titular statement.  I liked his statement that he removed his brain to make for more improvements.  I thought the nurse's two lines were pretty funny.  Kids, that's how you use profanity.

The only thing I had a problem with was the ending.  I had a pretty good idea what Jimmy was like bforehand, but I was hoping for either some sort of change, or a cemetery shot with a tombstone reading "Here Lies Jimmy.  He Had a Problem."  Though I'll bet a better punchline could be thought of.

Clever idea, Dan. You really incorporated the premise of actually carving a jack-o-lantern well, effectively making the entire movie about it. Shored up, I could see this as a Halloween-time commercial for... something. I liked it a lot.

The Nurse's "We're fucking dead" line seems off to me. It's one of only two F-bombs in the entire script (the second one being entirely forgivable, albeit replaceable) but I can't shake the feeling that there's a much, much funnier line you could insert in it's place. Actually, several.

Mick's "just dance it off" line was likely funnier than intended.

"Geek nosed Jimmy" should likely be "Greek nosed Jimmy" in the Bus scene. If you're going to have a typo though, that's an amusing one to have.

The Chipmunk voice is gold.

Great job.

Good opening scene; sort of a spoof of Twilight Zone.  Nice to see that Jimmy took the surgery from the newbie in stride.

Jack-o'-Jimmy fixing his smile in the men's bathroom was really funny; might have turned the dial up by having someone sidle up next to him in the mirror: "What are you smiling about?" or "Somebody got lucky."

Wasn't sure what you meant with this line:

An ever changing jack-o-Jimmy leaves the cinema with a LOVELY LADY in arm.

I realize that Jimmy is amazingly image-conscious, but you might want to be specific about what is changing.  Also, I would give the denouement a little more consideration.  Why a red balloon?  Why not a watermelon?  Or an exceptionally large pumpkin, with a final remark by the doctor to the nurse: "That'll hold 'im for a while."

IMHO, this one bit of dialogue fairly encapsulated Jimmy and his quest:

JIMMY
(screaming)
NOT-A-PROBLEM!


Nice job!

Tony

This one shows promise.  When I started the read and came across "We're f*** dead!" I thought, oh no, another one of these, but then I saw a story emerge and although I think you could definitely put more craft into it, I still like the way it's constructed.

The absurdness feels metaphoric.  How many people are truly unsatisfied with themselves and given a wonderland such as this, would refashion themselves.  The scenes are outrageous and in a good way.

I like Jimmy's "Not a problem," but I think you should give this a different title.

The end was too abrupt.  Where did the red balloon come from.  Maybe instead of a pumpkin he's a banana head or something like that.

I would suggest that you punch up the dialogue more; it's a bit lackluster in spots.

Nice job.

Sandra  

Overall, I enjoyed the piece and chuckled at Jimmy’s tonsillectomy gone mad.

My only real quibble is with the lack of description.  The scenes are only set with slug lines which is a big no-no.  

This was quite an insightful commentary on the folly of mindlessly following media trends and the belittling effect it has on people who do so.

The formatting needs a little work and there are a few typos, but I'm sure a second draft will sort all that out. It was humours enough and would be even funnier as a film. And you nailed the theme.

Well done.