Not-a-problem by Dan - Short, Comedy - I like your smile. <12 pages - doc, format

Cute concept. I liked the whole idea of a satire on the dangers of plastic surgery addiction. I got a couple of good chuckles toward the end.  The one thing I would do to improve this is to give us some idea of who Jimmy was before the operation.

53    

I thought that this was was pretty funny and the idea was great, it even had a message to it which was nice.  I thought the theme was used in a different way and it worked out quite well, nice to read something different.  This had some good chuckles in it as well, mostly with all the changes Jimmy goes through and what happens to him in the end.  I think you could have ended this when he goes back to the hospital though, to me that would have worked better.  In any case this one succeeded for the challenge so good work.

"Is it the head?"  HAHAHA!

I liked this one.  It was consistently humorous throughout(or at least humorous attempts, you know, cuz this is a COMEDY challenge).

I thought it was real good for a 7 pager.  Good work!

This one was funny, and way out there. Aaaah!

I liked the story, there was plenty of comedy, and you met the challenge about carving a pumpkin. LOL

This is one of my favorites so far.

Cindy

Really nice idea. It isn’t the obvious outcome of merging comedy with pumpkin carving, which is good. I mean it doesn’t even revolve around Halloween like a lot of them will; in fact the only mention of it was the doctor’s line – ‘so, well, happy Halloween!’. That line made me laugh too

You induce a few laughs actually, I loved the scene with the old lady not catching on straight away, that was cute and would play really nicely with long awkward silences between the lines. I also liked it when Bill brushing it off with ‘Hardly notice it’. I like how despite the concept being bizarre and extreme, the comedy is subtle and human, pretty cool. And the message about plastic surgery is good; it’s funny how Jimmy’s attitude towards his appearance doesn’t change even though he has a jack o’ lantern for a head. You’d think he’d just give up but provided there are ways to improve he keeps at it. It reminded me of Claudia Schiffer (I think ) in Futurama, when she’s just a head in a jar but still wants to ‘lose a couple of pounds’ lol.

My only gripe is the ending. I think there was definitely the chance to get in one more joke and carry on the idea that no matter what happens he’s going to strive to look the way other people want him to despite the consequences. Now that he has a balloon for a head, how about an ending like:

Girl: ‘I love a guy with a pierced eyebrow’
Jimmy: ‘No problem’

BANG!

Or something like that lol. Anyway, I liked this. You worked the genre and subject into something whacky and unique with a good number of laughs and a meaningful message. And all in just 7 pages! Good job .

First line – my first giggle
A very funny little story. Quite unusual.
A great little fantasy.
Some parts reminded me of Beetlegeuse with the shrunken head, LMAO.

My OWC Challenge rating of your script “Carving of a Jack O’ Lantern”:  8/10
Comedy Structure: 7/10
My rating of your script overall: 8/10

I really liked this one. Consistently funny and clever.

One thing that bothered me was the "jack-o-(insert)" at the start. Not a big deal, but just got a bit annoying for me.

I could imagine this as an advertisment for something. A guy walking around with a pumpkin head, always trying to look his best.

Good job. 9/10

i loved this idea. Him constantly changing to what others like and changes himself with that coin phrase "not a problem". With evrey page that passed, i wanted to know what was going to happen next and how it was going to end. And the ending didn't dissapoint either. One of the best parts for me, going back to the beginning.

I agree with dslah about seeing this as being an adviertisement for something.

Great job.

Brief reviews here since I'm shooting through these, and just want to let people know that I'm reading.

Good script, I liked the way it flowed and I liked the payoff(s) at the end when his head was pea sized, and you went so far as to give him a high pitched voice, and also with the new head he received.

Nice job.

Another very creative story. My only nit would be the inclusion of camera angles. They're not necessary.

Seth

What an extremly clever idea!

And you pulled it off to.  It was a good choice to make the whole thing a monatge, that ended up working well.

The only other option which mught be funnier is to make it like a soap opera.  Give him a vixen wife who he's never good enough for.  That could be funny.  Or just leave it the way it is, it's pretty darn good now.

This writer seems to be in his/her element here. A great concept and a few genuinely funny lines.

You also manage to include a moral of sorts, but without being too overt about it. I liked that.

Your format is a bit off, but your story is great.

My favorite so far.

Pretty good.

Unique take on the challenge.

It was a short script and I think you could have expanded it some by giving us more about him and his past. How he ended up this way or something. Right now he's just trying to make himself look perfect.. I wanted to know why he feels that way.

I didn't like the nurse's line WTF. Doesn't seem a professional nurse would say at work. Regardless of the situation.

Like someone else said, it would be perfect in the end if some hot girl tells him she loves a pierced eyebrow.

Heeeeey Punk,



You got me on the 3rd line with the nurse's reaction to Jimmy's head. I immediately laughed out loud. That's always a good start.

This was a great one, and how everyone is complimenting him or other people, and he continues to cut away. And for some reason, whenever Jimmy yelled "Yeah!" I would always imagine him saying it in sort of a homosexual voice while jumping in the air, and he freezes in midair. And I kept on saying that line out loud for some reason. I just found it funny.

The ending was great. Haha the whole time I was wondering what his head was going to be next, and then I found out. Haha, it looks like he can't do anymore cutting!

Someone said that they wish they could have known more about Jimmy before he got the pumpkin on his head. I think it's better off not knowing who he is and sort of leaving it a mystery. Like, sort of know how his life is going now than before.

Good work.

Sean

Hey,

I thought this was a good idea that was pretty well executed.

That said, I only found myself smiling here and there, didn't really chuckle. I enjoyed the little moral you put in it, and I thought you handled that really well.

Overall, nice use of the theme, a clever idea, pretty well written, but a lot of the jokes didn't really work for me. Nice effort though.

sheepwalker

This was very good.  The jack o'lantern head is a great idea but I'm feeling a strong serious undercurrent to this piece, the dangers of the media and wanting to look good.
The story was funny though and I really enjoyed this.  this is one of the best I've read so far.

A final note, and I could be wrong, but I have an inkling this is written by an Aussie.  Just one part regarding Lazaredis and I came to this conclusion, could of course be a totally different lazaredis to the Aussie footballer.

A very clever take on the challenge’s rules. I liked it a lot. You kept a big smile on my face from “FADE IN” to the end. Not only the concept is funny, the writing is funny as well (Jack o Jimmy, haha) and it goes well with this story’s tone.

“Theme” is what could be improved in this piece. It’s hard to make a thematic statement in just 12 pages, I know, but some moral undertones are hinted here. Jimmy is overly concerned about his psychical appearance, and that’s the character flaw that leads to its self mutilation.

It seemed to me that Jimmy had an external want (look good) in conflict with an internal need (learn to appreciate himself for what he is). You have all the right elements here to make Jimmy learn a lesson, yet after the story ends it doesn’t seem like he did.

A character arc is hinted here, dig deep into it. Plenty of laughs, but as far as “theme” goes I think you only scratched the surface.

Overall this was a very good script, but I think it has potential to be better.

Very Kafka, waking up with a pumpkin head...Entirely different and unique take on the carving of a pumpkin theme.

Really liked the conversation with the old lady. That was a funny moment!

Makes a statement about how people try to change themselves to better suit others, carryed out in a comical scenario. People are image obsessed, as evident by Britney's latest TV appearance.

Expected that after Jimmy was successful with the ladies that his buddies would have gotten pumpkin heads, too.

Great, funny visuals of Jimmy the Pumpkinhead running around, doing his thing, chasing down the Skater Boy with (assumed) his cell phone camera.

Not sure what to make of the Balloon head ending, other than he's finally happy with who is and doesn't have to change anymore...

I really enjoyed this piece.  It had a nice through line, with Jimmy constantly fixing himself to appeal to others around him, each time answering with the titular statement.  I liked his statement that he removed his brain to make for more improvements.  I thought the nurse's two lines were pretty funny.  Kids, that's how you use profanity.

The only thing I had a problem with was the ending.  I had a pretty good idea what Jimmy was like bforehand, but I was hoping for either some sort of change, or a cemetery shot with a tombstone reading "Here Lies Jimmy.  He Had a Problem."  Though I'll bet a better punchline could be thought of.

Clever idea, Dan. You really incorporated the premise of actually carving a jack-o-lantern well, effectively making the entire movie about it. Shored up, I could see this as a Halloween-time commercial for... something. I liked it a lot.

The Nurse's "We're fucking dead" line seems off to me. It's one of only two F-bombs in the entire script (the second one being entirely forgivable, albeit replaceable) but I can't shake the feeling that there's a much, much funnier line you could insert in it's place. Actually, several.

Mick's "just dance it off" line was likely funnier than intended.

"Geek nosed Jimmy" should likely be "Greek nosed Jimmy" in the Bus scene. If you're going to have a typo though, that's an amusing one to have.

The Chipmunk voice is gold.

Great job.

Good opening scene; sort of a spoof of Twilight Zone.  Nice to see that Jimmy took the surgery from the newbie in stride.

Jack-o'-Jimmy fixing his smile in the men's bathroom was really funny; might have turned the dial up by having someone sidle up next to him in the mirror: "What are you smiling about?" or "Somebody got lucky."

Wasn't sure what you meant with this line:

An ever changing jack-o-Jimmy leaves the cinema with a LOVELY LADY in arm.

I realize that Jimmy is amazingly image-conscious, but you might want to be specific about what is changing.  Also, I would give the denouement a little more consideration.  Why a red balloon?  Why not a watermelon?  Or an exceptionally large pumpkin, with a final remark by the doctor to the nurse: "That'll hold 'im for a while."

IMHO, this one bit of dialogue fairly encapsulated Jimmy and his quest:

JIMMY
(screaming)
NOT-A-PROBLEM!


Nice job!

Tony

This one shows promise.  When I started the read and came across "We're f*** dead!" I thought, oh no, another one of these, but then I saw a story emerge and although I think you could definitely put more craft into it, I still like the way it's constructed.

The absurdness feels metaphoric.  How many people are truly unsatisfied with themselves and given a wonderland such as this, would refashion themselves.  The scenes are outrageous and in a good way.

I like Jimmy's "Not a problem," but I think you should give this a different title.

The end was too abrupt.  Where did the red balloon come from.  Maybe instead of a pumpkin he's a banana head or something like that.

I would suggest that you punch up the dialogue more; it's a bit lackluster in spots.

Nice job.

Sandra  

Overall, I enjoyed the piece and chuckled at Jimmy’s tonsillectomy gone mad.

My only real quibble is with the lack of description.  The scenes are only set with slug lines which is a big no-no.  

This was quite an insightful commentary on the folly of mindlessly following media trends and the belittling effect it has on people who do so.

The formatting needs a little work and there are a few typos, but I'm sure a second draft will sort all that out. It was humours enough and would be even funnier as a film. And you nailed the theme.

Well done.