Pages: 1, 2 : All |
Author |
Gourdy (currently 5476 views) |
Don |
Posted: October 6th, 2007, 9:23pm |
|
|
AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16417 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
Gourdy by Ereckson - Short, Comedy - A heartbroken farm girl dukes it out with kinfolk and yokels when she falls head over heels for her Halloween creation. < 12 pages - pdf, format |
| Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
|
|
|
|
|
Blakkwolfe |
Posted: October 7th, 2007, 10:09am |
|
|
Been Around
LocationFlorida, USA Posts706 Posts Per Day 0.12 |
Liked the title on this, the set up was great with Gourdy being a potential love interest...
A good, funny concept that I don't think was fully exploited in the short...
There's a whole lot you could have done with a sexy young country gal and an amorous 802 strapping boy pumpkin...
Didn't quite get the ending with Raymond...I think he's the human representation of Gourdy, but beats me how Gourdy, now an established character, went from bein' a smashed up pumpkin to a human-maybe a curse or something?
I didn't see Mabel as a Dream Theater (prog metal) person. Defineitly a Faith Hill or Carrie Underwood, maybe some Big & Rich if she's feeling saucy...
|
| Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper |
|
|
|
Reply: 1 - 22 |
|
|
Zombie Sean |
Posted: October 7th, 2007, 2:08pm |
|
|
Old Timer
LocationColorado Posts1547 Posts Per Day 0.23 |
This one was kind of hard to imagine how a girl can fall in love with a pumpkin, but it's sort of funny to think about it.
This one I didn't really quite laugh, though, I saw the jokes in it. I can see this as more of a family movie that anyone could enjoy.
Something that bothered me was that you forgot to introduce some people such as some of the townspeople and Gourdy.
Good work.
Sean |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 2 - 22 |
|
|
Shelton |
Posted: October 7th, 2007, 8:17pm |
|
|
Of The Ancients
LocationChicago Posts3292 Posts Per Day 0.49 |
I thought this was a pretty good story and an interesting take on the theme.
I particularly liked the "not that kind of fruit" line, but the best part for me was in the ending. That very last line of dialogue.
I do think that things could have been tightened up just a bit in the last few pages, and the sluglines were a little overdone with the MOMENTS LATER and CONTINUOUS tags, but nothing that should take the reader out of the story.
Nice job.
|
| Shelton's IMDb Profile
"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin |
|
|
|
Reply: 3 - 22 |
|
|
The boy who could fly |
Posted: October 7th, 2007, 8:21pm |
|
|
Old Timer
LocationBritish Columbia, Canada Posts1387 Posts Per Day 0.21 |
this one was pretty cute, filled with rednecks and hicks, my kinda people . It wasn't laugh out loud funny but it had it's own charm. Gourdy kinda reminded me of a talking Wilson . GOURDY Not that kind of fruit HAHA....that line was pretty funny. I was kinda lost at the ending though with Raymond G. Hampshire, I'm not quite sure what you were getting at. All in all this one fit the challenge pretty well so good work. |
| |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 4 - 22 |
|
|
Seth |
Posted: October 7th, 2007, 10:35pm |
|
|
New
LocationTwin Ciites Posts301 Posts Per Day 0.05 |
This is very well written. I like the style. It's understated, sweet -- but lacks humor.
Seth |
| |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 5 - 22 |
|
|
Takeshi |
Posted: October 8th, 2007, 6:13am |
|
|
Guest User
|
I thought a girl would fall in love with a carrot or a zucchini before she'd fall in love with a pumpkin (boom-tish), but love can be a crazy thing. Anyway, there weren't too many laughs to be had here. I'd put this one in the category of fun but not particularly funny in a laugh out loud way, but then again, laugh out loud funny is pretty rare these days. I liked how Gourdy could only function when his flame was lit and the ending (which I totally got) was cool too.
I know the story is only supposed to be twelve pages long, but once the challenge is over I think the story would be better if the build up to Gourdy and Mabel falling in love was lengthened, because I think Mabel fell in love with him a little too quickly, but then again, if I met a giant talking pumpkin I'd probably think they were pretty special too.
Nice work, but with a rewrite or two you could take this to the next level. |
|
Revision History (1 edits) |
Takeshi - October 8th, 2007, 6:35am | | |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 6 - 22 |
|
|
Higgonaitor |
Posted: October 8th, 2007, 11:35am |
|
|
Been Around
Location(40.717261, -73.600087) Posts934 Posts Per Day 0.13 |
Good job.
This was very funny, and really pulled me into it. I was pretty sad when gourdy died at the end, which means you did a good job. Only comment is don't have Mabel admit her love to Harlan in that one scne so near the beginning. Just have her say this is gourdy and have gourdy say "hello there!" and have him faint, and then maybe a breif montage of them falling in love.
much love, tyler |
| |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
|
CindyLKeller |
Posted: October 8th, 2007, 12:45pm |
|
|
Old Timer
Posts1467 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
There's so many cute scripts... This is another one. Poor girl falling for a pumpkin only for him to be killed. Ohhh... I do have a question though... If she loved this pumpkin, how could she stand to be around him when he was a pie and watch other people eat him? Good job though, Cindy |
| Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
|
|
|
|
Reply: 8 - 22 |
|
|
James McClung |
Posted: October 8th, 2007, 1:18pm |
|
|
Of The Ancients
LocationWashington, D.C. Posts3293 Posts Per Day 0.48 |
This was a pretty good read. It's a comedy but in a very laid back kind of way. The story is so well developed for something conceived within a week, you kind of get lost in it and don't really think about the humor. That's a good thing though and you don't lose sight of the humor along the way. The characters were likeable and well developed and the conflict was interesting and, at times, suspenseful. Also, an original take on the genre and theme. Pretty solid script, overall. |
| |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 9 - 22 |
|
|
alffy |
Posted: October 8th, 2007, 3:27pm |
|
|
Old Timer
LocationThe bleak North East, England Posts2187 Posts Per Day 0.33 |
I found this strangely sad and upsetting rather than a comedy. This is not a bad thing though cos i thought this was really well written. I loved the idea of a girl falling for a pumpkin and the end, 'is the guy Gourdy?'. I guess tis was funny but not in an obvious way, more in a ridiculous way. Good stuff. |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 10 - 22 |
|
|
Ian |
Posted: October 8th, 2007, 4:47pm |
|
|
New
LocationWarwick, England Posts121 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
I think the idea of this one is funnier than the actual events that occur, which made for a sweet and amusing story but not many laughs. The only time I laughed out loud was at the 'not that kind of fruit' line, that was priceless, so even though I only laughed once it was a big laugh . Blakkwolfe said the concept could've been exploited more, and I agree. It seemed like there was way more that could've been done, in terms of comedy that is. As a romance it was quite quirky and cute so still a good read even if it wasn't particularly hilarious, and very well written, and like James said the story and characters are surprisingly developed considering the short length and amount of time available for planning. You actually root for this unlikely couple lol. A fun script overall. A bit short on laughs perhaps, but still enjoyable . |
| "Are you saying I'm crazy!?" "Oh no, but I'm certainly thinking it loudly" |
|
|
|
Reply: 11 - 22 |
|
|
Death Monkey |
Posted: October 10th, 2007, 1:37am |
|
|
Been Around Viet-goddamn-nam is what happened to me!
LocationThe All Spin Zone Posts983 Posts Per Day 0.15 |
This is really well written, the author definitely knows what he/she's doing. the humor wasn't for me though. The line most people found funny "not that kinda fruit" didn't work for me at at all. Guess I'm not all that much into gay euphemism humor.
but the story's sweet and there were a few times where I had to chuckle, when I visualized it on screen. The absurdity of the "I love him, Daddy" for instance.
One of the better scripts overall. |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 12 - 22 |
|
|
michel |
Posted: October 11th, 2007, 12:38am |
|
|
Old Timer
LocationFrance Posts1156 Posts Per Day 0.18 |
one of the best scripts I've read in this challenge. It's clever, well-written and the parabol works for me. Though my sense of humor sounds different than the author, I think it was definitely a good job. Michel |
| |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 13 - 22 |
|
|
Sandra Elstree. |
Posted: October 11th, 2007, 1:13am |
|
|
Of The Ancients What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?
LocationBowden, Alberta Posts3664 Posts Per Day 0.60 |
The person who wrote this is an excellent writer.
I'm really impressed by this and will take my cues from them.
No, this isn't really the comedy asked for in this challenge, but it's packed a lot in the 12 pages.
This is definitely a minimalist script--the kind we should all strive for.
Wow, you've got craft and you've got style.
Excellent!
Sandra |
| A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
|
|
|
|
Reply: 14 - 22 |
|
|
tomson |
Posted: October 11th, 2007, 6:06am |
|
|
Guest User
|
I loved the writing here. I want to be able to write like this... I think the writing itself almost trumps the story though. Cute story and an original idea. Maybe a couple of carachters too many for a 12 pager as I had to stop and think a couple of times "who was this guy again?". Comedy wise it was okay. I must have believed in the love story here, because I felt aweful about Gourdy having been turned into a million pies and people were eating them. I almost felt it was cannibalistic. My guess is that Bert wrote this. If you are not Bert, then take that as the highest compliment. |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 15 - 22 |
|
|
Nixon |
Posted: October 13th, 2007, 11:29am |
|
|
Old Timer
LocationWashington Posts1395 Posts Per Day 0.24 |
This was a well-written piece. It just wasn't that funny, well at least not to me. Everyone has a different sense of humor so don't take that last comment as a dig at your work. Like I said this was a well-written short, the descriptions flowed smoothly and the dialogue captured that redneck/ hillbilly vibe. There were some interesting characters here (you actually made me care about what happened to a vegetable, err I mean fruit). So, good job.
|
| Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever. I WAS WRONG. |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 16 - 22 |
|
|
mcornetto |
Posted: October 13th, 2007, 12:25pm |
|
|
Guest User
|
Cute. I liked it. I though you could have pushed the limits a bit farther but it works as it is. It can, of course, be tightened and I found some of the dialogue at the begining to be a bit on the nose. Well done though. Original. |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 17 - 22 |
|
|
EBurke73 |
Posted: October 14th, 2007, 8:00pm |
|
|
New
Posts124 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
A very cute script with a nice idea tackled nicely. Yeah, it wasn't as funny as it could have been, but it was nicely told. The "Edward Scissorhands" made for a nice little parallel.
One thing though, I'm 99.999999% sure Arnette is a woman's name, but Arnette never gets a pronoun and the desciption doesn't make it clear. I have no idea who the person is nor their relationship because a 28-year-old could be sister, mother, cousin...? Maybe I missed it. |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 18 - 22 |
|
|
tomson |
Posted: October 21st, 2007, 3:31pm |
|
|
Guest User
|
Great job you two! I voted this one as #1. There were a lot of good scripts, but this one took the number one spot for me. |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 19 - 22 |
|
|
aurorawriter |
Posted: October 21st, 2007, 9:24pm |
|
|
New Write it!
LocationCA Posts22 Posts Per Day 0.00 |
Thanks so much, Pia! We had a lot of fun writing it.
We're looking forward to reading Private Pleasures -- an enticing title, if ever there was one.
Aimee |
| |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 20 - 22 |
|
|
Hoody |
Posted: October 24th, 2007, 11:10pm |
|
|
New
LocationCanada, eh. Posts90 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
I didn't get a chance to read this until now, so I already knew who wrote it and based on their other works, I knew it was going to be great...and it was.
You managed to put a lot into 12 pages. The writing was solid, I have no complaints about any of the formatting.
It wasn't that funny, but then again, I didn't want it to be. It was a sweet little story that managed to have 1 or 2 lol moments. I think if you risked stretching for laughs, it could ruin the cuteness the story, so it's fine the way it is.
There's not much you should change...Except I think I would make the ending a little more clearer. Like is he supposed to be like a reincarnation of Gourdy or does she just think he might be? Or is he just some random guy who just happens to have a G for a middle initial? It didn't effect the story for me but I'd like to know what he was actually supposed to be.
Great job. I had fun reading it. |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 21 - 22 |
|
|
Tony Gangemi |
Posted: October 25th, 2007, 7:15pm |
|
|
New
LocationCA Posts66 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
Thanks for reading it, Jesse. As for your question, it's really more the prior than the latter. We sort of picture Raymond as the living embodiment of Gourdy. Truth be told, in our quest to avoid being on-the-nose, we tend to overcompensate into subtlety. Thanks again, Tony |
| |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 22 - 22 |
|
Pages: 1, 2 : All |